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Author Topic: THE VISITOR  (Read 3287 times)

mrstu

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THE VISITOR
« on: 03 January, 2012, 09:32:37 PM »
hello all, below is the script for a two pager i've written. please have a read and let me know what you think. thanks.


THE VISITOR.
PAGE ONE.
THREE PANELS, THE FIRST AND SECOND ARE SMALLER SIZED PANELS WHILST THE THIRD TAKES UP THE BOTTOM HALF OF THE PAGE.
PANEL 1.
PICTURE OF A GIANTS FACE IN CLOSE UP. HIS EYES ARE HALF OPEN, HE’S WAKING UP.
CAPTION- THE GIANT AWOKE FROM HIS SLUMBER SLOWLY.
PANEL 2.
WE ARE INSIDE THE CAVE THAT THE GIANT SLEEPS. HE IS NOW ON HIS FEET AND HIS STRECTHING OUT HIS ARMS WIDE.
CAPTION- HE HADN’T TO FALL ASLEEP, HE JUST WANTED TO TAKE A FEW MOMENTS REST…
PANEL 3.
THE GIANT IS STOOD OUTSIDE OF HIS CAVE AND STANDS PROUDLY WITH HIS HANDS IN HIPS.
CAPTION- …AFTERALL THAT’S WHAT GIANTS DID WHEN THEY WERE FRIGHTENING THE VILLAGERS.
PAGE 2.
THREE PANELS, SET OUT THE SAME AS PAGE 1.
PANEL 1.
CLOSE UP OF THE GIANT’S FACE, HE LOOKS PLEASED AND HAPPY.
CAPTION- FAR IN THE DISTANCE THE GIANT COULD SEE SOMEDAY, THIS PLEASED THE GIANT HAS HE LOVED VISITORS AND HE HADN’T SEEN ANYONE IN DAYS.
PANEL 2.
WE CAN SEE THE GIANT FROM THE BEHIND HIS VISITOR. HE HAS A FRIENDLY SMILE ON HIS FACE.
GIANT: HELLO THERE! I’M GOLIATH, WHO ARE YOU?
PANEL 3.
THE YOUNG HUMAN STANDS PROUDLY WITH A CATAPULT IN HIS HAND.
HUMAN: MY NAME IS DAVID!


mrstu

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Re: THE VISITOR
« Reply #1 on: 03 January, 2012, 09:37:08 PM »
JUST NOTICED A TYPO - SOMEDAY SHOULD READ SOMEBODY

Dandontdare

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Re: THE VISITOR
« Reply #2 on: 03 January, 2012, 10:10:27 PM »
I'd rather hold my comments until that is actually, y'know, turned into a comc. Or a novel. Or a film or play. Or something other than just'an idea'.


Pauul

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Re: THE VISITOR
« Reply #3 on: 05 January, 2012, 12:39:09 AM »
I gotta agree with Dandontdare.

You need to put time into writing a script, because you can bet that an artist is going to need to put a lot more time into actually drawing it.

Writing isn't just about having an idea, it's about writing.

You need to put in detailed descriptions which an artist can then translate into pictures.

So, yeah, why not try rewriting and see what you can put together?

JOE SOAP

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Re: THE VISITOR
« Reply #4 on: 05 January, 2012, 12:49:27 AM »
You need to put in detailed descriptions which an artist can then translate into pictures.


unless you're John Wagner working with Carlos Ezquerra.

locustsofdeath!

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Re: THE VISITOR
« Reply #5 on: 05 January, 2012, 01:53:02 AM »
Couple of things wrong here:

1. You're not telling a story, you're "telling a scene".

2. You're not telling your own story.

There is no beginning, middle and end to your script, so you're telling a scene. We don't know who the giant is, what he's done or what he might do. You've given no real detail as to whether this is a friendly giant or a terrifying giant. There's no sense of time or place; sure, a giant in a cave generally belongs in some sort of fairytale land - but David and Goliath is grounded in a "real" Biblical world.

You're relying too heavily on a reader knowing the story of David and Goliath to fill in all the details surrounding the script's too characters, the world it takes place in and...well, pretty much everything else. If you're assuming that "everyone knows the story" - then what's the point of this script?

The only reason for a reader familiar with a tale to take a look at the umpteenth adaptation of that story is to see or read something new. Put a twist on it, develop new and interesting motivations for David and Goliath - do something or attempt something innovative! Otherwise, again, what is the point?

On the other hand, if the reader has never encountered the story of David and Goliath before...well, how lost would he be when you provide...nothing really. Here's some giant resting in a cave and some little snot-nosed punk shows up out of nowhere to bother it - and then the script ends. And what is the point?

Any story, long or short, script or prose of screenplay, needs a beginning, middle and end or it's just a scene. Sometimes that works, sure, but generally readers want to invest in a full story.

Good luck, mate.

mrstu

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Re: THE VISITOR
« Reply #6 on: 05 January, 2012, 08:52:31 AM »
points taken guys, and i appreciate you taking a few seconds to read it.

i'm going to do abit of work on it, expand sections, maybe give the giant a back story. in a nutshell treat it as a first draft, because on rereading it again a day or two after writing it i can see that theres not a fat lot there. so over the next few days (when real life isnt getting in the way) i'll going to put abit of time into it.

thanks again.

Spaceghost

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Re: THE VISITOR
« Reply #7 on: 05 January, 2012, 12:03:42 PM »
So many spelling errors, grammar errors, non-sensical captions and dialogue.

Back to the drawing board and re-think the whole thing.
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mrstu

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Re: THE VISITOR
« Reply #8 on: 05 January, 2012, 12:58:47 PM »
thats the plan, its onlya first draft really. thanks for reading.

Mardroid

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Re: THE VISITOR
« Reply #9 on: 05 January, 2012, 03:41:20 PM »
You need to put in detailed descriptions which an artist can then translate into pictures.

Not too detailed. When I started writing scripts I wondered at this too, and was actually told by a writer droid  lesser is generally better. Which isn't to say one shouldn't state the specifics of course, (that's important) but the artist should have room to provide their own creative input. I.e. aim for John Wagner's style rather than Alan Moore's (much as I like the latter).

Alski

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Re: THE VISITOR
« Reply #10 on: 05 January, 2012, 05:02:24 PM »
David used a slingshot, not a catapult.
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locustsofdeath!

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Re: THE VISITOR
« Reply #11 on: 05 January, 2012, 05:20:39 PM »
You need to put in detailed descriptions which an artist can then translate into pictures.

but the artist should have room to provide their own creative input.

I am no expert, mind. But I write fairly detailed descriptions - but the details are mainly to influence the strip's atmosphere and also inspire the artist to contribute to that atmosphere. The only time I write is when I have a very strong vision, and - right or wrong - I put that vision down on the paper in whatever detail I feel is needed. If that's a single sentence, that works. But if it's four paragraphs, then I'll go that route too!

Roger Godpleton

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Re: THE VISITOR
« Reply #12 on: 05 January, 2012, 05:35:05 PM »
Are you Mr Stu or Mrs Tu?
He’s only trying to be what following how his dreams make you wanna be, man!

mrstu

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Re: THE VISITOR
« Reply #13 on: 05 January, 2012, 06:12:07 PM »
thanks for everyones advice, oh and its mr stu

Mardroid

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Re: THE VISITOR
« Reply #14 on: 06 January, 2012, 12:54:04 AM »
I am no expert, mind. But I write fairly detailed descriptions - but the details are mainly to influence the strip's atmosphere and also inspire the artist to contribute to that atmosphere. The only time I write is when I have a very strong vision, and - right or wrong - I put that vision down on the paper in whatever detail I feel is needed. If that's a single sentence, that works. But if it's four paragraphs, then I'll go that route too!

Fair enough. Clearly there'd no right or wrong, different writers have their own style, methods, etc. (Alan Moore writes essays for panels for example!) I understand that for Future Shocks (not that the above strip is meant to be one of those) concise strips are more likely to be accepted. That's not to say that the artist shouldn't have all the information they need of course.

I agree that there would be exceptions where one really wants to get a situation across which might hinge on a lot of detail but that shouldn't be the norm. (Okay, I guess I stated the obvious there by using the word 'exceptions'. ;)

Not that I'm a pro either. I often find it difficult to keep my text short and concise (ask krombasher, heh) but that was the advise I was given by someone who has had a lot of his work published.
« Last Edit: 06 January, 2012, 12:55:42 AM by Mardroid »