Squaxx Telling Jokes

[ZenArcade]

How do you know who the bride is at a Belfast wedding?

She's the one in the white tracksuit. Z

[Ghost MacRoth]

Why are pirates pirates?

Cause they aaaaaaaaare.

[ZenArcade]

What do you do if you see your girlfriend staggering around the garden?

Reload.

[Ghost MacRoth]

How did they invent copper wire?

Two Scotsmen fighting over a penny.

[ZenArcade]

Three horses were in a bar discussing their last race. One said he was totally knackered half way through and was ready to stop, but he'd felt a sharp sting in his flank and became totally revitalised and won the race by 3 lengths. The other two horses were flabbergasted and didn't know what to make of it all.
At this stage a dog at the other end of the bar butted in and explained that the horse had been darted with a performance enhancing drug and thus won.
The three horses looked at each other askance and one of them proclaimed.
'fucking hell, a talking dog!' Z

[Ghost MacRoth]

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns Christian and Justin, were swimming around in the sea  The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted" and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.  He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.  "Where's Christian?" he asked.  "He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark", came the reply. Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed."

"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again, Christian!"

[ZenArcade]

A pair of shoes land up to the pearly gates and are (as with Shark, Tordel and Jim C) stopped by St Peter.
St Peter  just shakes his head, laughs and dismissively tells the shoes to piss off out of it.
The shoes are somewhat affronted and demand that God be contacted to give the final opinion.
After a bit of a 'discussion ', St Peter picks up the pearly handled phone and rings God.
God says: 'let them on in'. St Peter is incredulous and says 'what....why?'
God says: 'shoes have soles too'. Z

[paddykafka]

Where do Cows like to go on a date?

To the Moooooo-vies !

[DrRocka]

What's funnier than a dead baby?

A dead baby in a clown suit.

[Ghost MacRoth]

Motorway walks into a bar, says ''Gimme a fucking pint with a whiskey chaser, and hurry up''.  Barman reply's, ''Hey, no need to be rude man...''  Motorway cut's him off, saying ''Just gimme the fucking drinks, I'm hard as fuck, don't mess with me!''  ''Okay, okay!'' says the barman, and fixes the drinks.

Dual Carriageway walks in, says ''Hey ugly, gimme a jack and coke, make it a double, quick smart!''  Barman says, ''Hey man, c'mon, manners cost noth...'' Dual Carriageway cuts him off....''Just hurry up asshole, don't piss me off, I'm hard as fuck!!''  The barman, not wanting any trouble, fixes the drinks as asked.

A wee skinny strip of orange tarmac walks into the bar.  Immediately, both the Motorway and Dual Carriageway leap over the bar and hide.  Barman says, ''Hey, what's going on?  I thought you two were hard as fuck, what you hiding for?''

''Hey, we don't wanna mess with him, he's a cycle path!!''

[Grugz]

two gentlemen of the road ,mick and jeff are enjoying a pint in a local country pub when a man staggers in wrestling with a large salmon, he puts it on the bar and the landlord gives him £20 and off he trots. Mick and jeff think nothing of this til they next frequent the pub and the same man comes in with a fish bigger than the one he sold previously the landlord gives him £40 and he goes off with a spring in his step.
  now,mick and jeff aren't the brightest buttons in the box but they recognise the potential for some beer money and ask the landlord what the deal is.

  "well,they are such big fish I can double if not treble me money with all the coach parties coming through here so I'd be mad not  to take them" says the landlord (who we will call colin.

  "so if we were to catch one would ye buy it from us as well?" asks jeff.
  "aye" says colin," I can never have enough ,only poacher john cant get me as many as I'd like"

"hang on" says mick in a fit of enlightenment," we don't have a rod or the cash to buy one"
" not a problem" interjects colin," poacher john uses an old poachers trick ,he just waits on the bridge and when they come along, leans over and hooks them out of the water, smacks them with a stick and done!"

  mick and jeff put their coats on and set off...
  when they find a bridge that looks suitable mick leans over with jeff hanging on to his legs and wait expectantly...

15 minutes in,nothing
30 minutes later ,still nowt
after an hour jeffs arms are getting tired when suddenly mick starts shouting excitedly "JEFF! PULL ME UP!"
"why? have ye got one?" he asks
"NO" replies mick "THERES A FUCKING TRAIN COMING!!!"

[The Legendary Shark]

Julian and Sandy go to the fun fair. Julian wants to go on the rollercoaster but Sandy flatly refuses, saying that it doesn't look safe and he wouldn't go on it for all the mince in 'Frisco. So Julian goes on the rollercoaster on his own.
.
Just as Julian's beginning his fourth circuit, the whole structure collapses in a thunder of chaos. Sandy, beside himself, runs over to his friend who is lying, twisted and bloody, in the mangled wreckage.
.
"Julian!" shouts Sandy, "Oh Julian! Are you hurt?"
.
"Hurt?" Julian asks, "Hurt? Of course I'm bloody hurt! Three damned times I went 'round and you never waved once!"

[The Legendary Shark]

All the superheroes are throwing a birthday party for Superman but the Man of Steel himself is late. Eventually, though, he sweeps in through the window with a cheery grin.
.
"Sorry I'm late, everyone," he said, "I was just off saving the Earth."
.
"I'm sure," growled Batman darkly.
.
"It's true!" Superman said. "Great big asteroid fell out of the Neutral Zone not half an hour ago - I had to smash it up."
.
"And that took you half an hour?" purred Catwoman sceptically.
.
"Well no, not exactly. You see, there were traces of Kryptonite in the asteroid so after I smashed it up I was a bit tired and slipped for a quick forty winks on the moon."
.
"Ha! So you overslept, you primary-coloured goldbricker!" said Nick Fury, who had been invited in error.
.
Superman was indignant at this suggestion. "Certainly not," he said, "I awoke in plenty of time and decided to take the scenic route home through Africa and that's where I saw her."
.
"Saw who?" demanded the Green Lantern, edging away from Superman's yellow S.
.
"Wonder Woman," said Superman dreamily. "In a secluded glade, spread eagled on her back, nothing on except her headband, obviously wrapped up in a steamy daydream. Well, I couldn't resist, could I? Off with the tights and in there, faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than an express..."
.
"Holy inappropriate!" ejaculated Robin excitedly, punching his fist into his palm in a way that was really starting to get on Batman's nerves, "didn't she mind?"
.
"Not a bit of it," the Last Son of Krypton grinned sheepishly, "but the Invisible Man was furious..."

[The Enigmatic Dr X]

We just had carol singers at the door. Brass band, the works. The music was good but the singers awful. They kept dribbling everywhere.

It was the Salivation Army.

[JayzusB.Christ]

What do you call someone holding Noddy?

Noddy Holder.

Sorry, I just made that up