Help...best man's speech...

[WoD]

Got to do one on Sunday and my speech is getting there, but I need some examples (funny) on different ways people compliment each other;
good cook - good eater
good listener - good talker
great at organisation - great at creating Chaos

Thanks,
WoD.
Real name Mark.

[Al Haroun]

People do tend to compliment Thatcher as being a great Prime Minister... I remember the 80s as being something akin to taking a bath in cold sick.

[WoD]

I'm also after a better finish to;
...I'm sure you'll agree she looks one in a million and he...well...he looks like he was won in a raffle.

Just don't like the 'won in a raffle' part...but brain too tired now.

[longmanshort]

Not helpful to you, but my favourite speech opener:

"All speeches should be like a woman's dress - long enough to cover the subject, but short enough to make it interesting"

[WoD]

I'm using that one already...I refer to it as the 'mini-skirt' rule.

[worldshown]

Don't know if this will help you, but this website has saved my life twice this decade. Once with two day's notice.

Hitched.co.uk has sample speeches for all wedding occasions and parties down to the maid of honour's speech.

Link: http://www.hitched.co.uk/speeches/samples/samplespeechhome.aspx" target="_blank">Speech samples

[WoD]

Funnily enough...been using that as a guide-line.  It is a great (and free) resource.

[Buttonman]

There was a series of these in Mad magazine along the lines of:

THEIR kids run wild YOURS are free spirits
THEY are drunks YOU are life and soul of the party.
YOU are a gourmet THEY are fat pigs.
YOU are a perfectionist THEY are fussy

It went on like that for ages and whether your audience is up for that is anyones guess.

I did my brother's a couple of years ago and it was generally well received but some thought a bit edgy. I'll post up the text later if I can find it but the gasps on the opening will live with me forever.

"It's been a lovely welcome from the Rothesay locals although I'm a bit concerned by the wicker man in the car park"

[WoD]

They're good...I'm having some of that.  Thanks Buttonman.

[Floyd-the-k]

i looked at this and thought you needed help on 'man's best speech'. Then looked again.

[JayzusB.Christ]

I did one for the brother a while ago. 'They say wedding audiences are the most forgiving - and over the next ten minutes i will be testing that theory to the absolute limit.'

 if your speech is good you can exceed expectations, and also get off the hook if it's shit.

[Buttonman]

Here is the bones of my speech carefully culled from the words of Connolly, Simpson and Fawlty amongst others. I found it best to have bullet points of 'funnies' rather than a full script. Also don't forget to read the cards as I did!


Thank you for that great introduction. I must say that of all the introductions I've ever had that is certainly the most recent.

If I could just say a few wordsâ?¦ I'd be a better public speaker.

A lovely welcome from the Rothesay locals although I am a bit worried about the Wicker man in the car park. Seemingly they were going to have a human sacrifice to celebrate he wedding but were unable to find a virgin.

It was nice to have a Celtic wedding although I should point out that the Son of God had a part to play in today's celebrations. It's true, just before the wedding I heard Liz's dad say, "Jesus Christ is she marrying him"!

Given all the hardships the farming community has suffered recently it's of great credit to Dave that he's taking a mad cow off their hands.

Dave and Liz met at Queen Margaret College where he studied for a communications degree. Given that it took him ages to ask for a date he was clearly in need of some communications training. Liz still remembers his first chat up line of 'Haw ginger tap us five quid 'til aw I can scrounge ma folks'.

Dave proposed marriage to Liz in the anchor bar near Barlinnie prison in Riddrie. A horrible oppressive regime from where there is no escape. And the prison is pretty grim too.

It took Dave about ten years to get around to proposing to Liz. If you think that's a long time you want to stand next to him at the bar and wait for him to buy a round. Rumours of Dave being tight are not true although he did once send me a birthday card with the message " I was going to enclose £10 but had already sealed the envelope".

Given the sight of Dave's legs in that kilt you could be for given for thinking it's all one big prank. But the joke is on you guys because April Fools' day was yesterday. I should know it was my 34th birthday, which coincidentally is also the same number of £'s that Dave has put behind the bar, so you better be quick! No in truth it's the generous Mr Watson who is footing the bar bill tonight. I did tell him it would be cheaper hiring the space shuttle as the wedding car as to fund this lots' beer habit but he was able to reassure me. It seems he found a valuable extinct breed of moth in his wallet that has covered the tab.

Dave is a good catch for the lady who likes a hardworking man. He told me earlier he's had 15 jobs and is still looking for the one that fits. Having been a paperboy, waiter, civil servant, short bread salesman, language teacher and 999 operator. He'll be just the man to deliver news about a Chinaman calling the cops in an Indian resturant over some stale shortbread. He tells me he is hardworking but there are just no jobs for a qualified Coronation programme seller.


He is also an accomplished footballer. Sometimes it was 20 or 30 a season. That's injuries you understand not goals. We both played for the BB and Broomhill and scored several goals between us, sometimes for the correct team. Sadly no scouts ever came to take advantage of our talents, and that's a scandal given the we played for a bottom four club in the fourth division of the Strathclyde Civil Service league.

Our first trip away from the folks was the BB camp in Guernsey. Dave chucked his soap away with his washing up water and came to be known as 'Dirty Dave'. Well that's the story his naïve 10-year-old brother believed. In truth the nearby Girl Guide camp may have held more of the answers.

We had a great time on the stag night and there were no mishaps. On an unrelated matter if anyone knows how to undye pubic hair and remove an 'I love Helga' tattoo an anonymous gentleman in the bridal suite would like to hear from you before 10pm tonight.

The stag night was on Rothesay. Instead of a stripper a sheep was thrown on and slowly sheared. To top it off we had a nice Lebanese curry. You know, next day you've got the Shiites!

Liz is very brave to take Dave on as we also discovered that he has a serious medical condition â?? He's allergic to leather. Itâ??s true he told us that any time he wakes up with his shoes on he feels sick and has a terrible headache.

Let's have a big hand for the kitchen staff for finally closing the book on the whereabouts of Shergar.

He is a fine young man who is a credit to his parents. Oh sorry that should have read 'has run out of credit with his parents'.

Dave recently ran 26 miles in Amsterdam. He wasn't running a marathon he was trying to get away from the bordello without paying. He says it took him almost four hours to finish, which will be a blessing to Liz tonight. By that I mean she'll have more time to go shopping - what are you all suggesting?

Dave and Liz plan to go to Japan soon which is rubbing it in a bit as the last thing we sent them were two nuclear bombs. Still I have looked in my crystal ball and found a few useful phrases which you may hear whilst out there

Nikka ka ta midohu
"Aiee the flame haired demon sets too many assignments"

Hu fan kittu si mirtu

"By my ancestors the hairless one drank all my sake"

Na takka si yu patta

"Once these foreign devils have taught us English we shall have them build us a nice bridge"

It is seemingly a magical place though apparently wild bears roam free and you can hear the call of banshees down through the ages. The food is an indigestable half-cooked fish and disputes are settled with Samurai swords at dawn. Oh wait this is a brochure for the Rothesay tourist board.

What a bout that wedding list eh? It was longer than the Rothesay sex offenders' register. I suggested to Dave that I might buy Liz a nice watch. He told me not too bother as there is a clock on the cooker. I asked Liz what she though of bed linen. She said she thought the Americans would catch him soon.

Anyone who knows Dave's taste in music will be happy to learn that he's organised the evening's entertainment. Madonna, ABBA, Robbie Williams and Elton John are amongst the many popular artists that you will not be hearing. If you do hear some screaming, thrashing and feedback don't worry that's just Dave's choice for the first waltz.

Still it's a worrying time. With madmen loose ready to launch devastating chemical and biological attacks. Oh that reminds me the buffet is at 9.30.

How many men does it take to open a beer? None, it should be opened by the time she brings it.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%... Wedding cake.

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery.

[WoD]

cheers mate.

[Mardroid]

I was a best man (I say 'a best man', cos my mate had two, he couldn't decide) at my mate's wedding.

I wondered what to do for my speech, as my mate is a lovely bloke, but he never really got up to any hyjinks or anything. He is kind of square.

Of course I ended up harping on about his 'squareness' in my speech and that actually went down rather well.

One amusing point was when, after talking about how he got a first class degree, I did the whole 'cough a word' gag onto my arm "*Cough*Boffin".

Not that the gag itself was that amusing, just that some people didn't know what I actually said, so it ended up taking a life of it's own. Someone thought I said "Tosser!"  Another "Bullshit!"

Not a big deal, you might think, until you consider that a lot of the guys at that do were born again Christians, and vulgar language is a bit of a no no. (Well ok, some do say the odd word now and again...)

It went down well though. I shouldn't worry about the speech to much. Thing is everyone is all sparking and geared up to enjoy it. Even the lame jokes (and I'm not saying yours will be lame) end up going down a treat.

[Peter Wolf]

Heres some crap jokes:
 
Scientists have found a couple of ways for a woman to stop talking.

 One is eating,

 
 The other ?   ....I cant say.

 
 Whats the best reason to liberate your lovely lady from hours of her time spent in the kitchen ?

 If she cant cook.



 There have been several occasions when i have been out with my wife and she has got lost.

 And each time i think phew at last ! she finds her way home again.


 Has anyone seen my wife ?

 Only i took her out for a  [deleted]


 How many men does it take to open a can of beer ?


 One .If only he could be bothered to lift a finger and do something for once.



 I was at a party and i said to my wife "Would you like a drink ?" she said " yes a gin and tonic would be good " so i said "yes thats fine but try not to drink it all at once as that will have to last you all evening !"


 Has anyone met my mother in law ?


 Not yet


 Well count yourself lucky then !


 I had the UN weapons inspectors round the other day looking for evidence of biological /chemical WMDs in the kitchen .

 The wife was out at the time and firstly i dont know where the kitchen is and secondly there is no evidence as i have eaten it but call back the next day at about 8 pm and you will find all the WMDS you want !.


 How many men do you need to cook and do the washing up ?


 As many as you like as it doesnt make any difference as it still wont get done.