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Squaxx Telling Jokes

Started by The Legendary Shark, 22 November, 2014, 09:12:18 AM

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The Legendary Shark

I went to court the other day over a parking ticket. (You know me, right?) When it came my turn to take the stand, I filled the court with torrents of eloquent reason, witty logic and antiquated vocabulary, all delivered in Mosesesque tones from the moral high ground.
.
The judge was unimpressed. "Mr Falcon," he said, "you have admitted, several times, to parking in Shitebridge Lane. Why don't you just be quiet and pay up? I mean, didn't you read the sign?"
.
"Of course I did," I blustered, "it said 'fine for parking.'"
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Definitely Not Mister Pops

A wee yank is taking his girlfriend to prom.
"What do you want to do for prom?" Says he.
"Y'all have to wearing a tux!" Says she, "I want tibby picked up in a limo,and yuh hafta bring me flowers!"
She leans in and whispers, "I wanna get drunk too!"
So the guy goes to the tailors. There's a lot of fellas getting suits, so he has no choice but to join the tuxline.
Next he goes to rent a limo. There's a lot of fellas getting limos, so he has no choice but but to join the limoline.
His patience stretched, he goes to get some flowers. Wouldn't ye know it, there's a lotta fellas getting flowers, so he joins the flowerline.
He thinks to himself, 'I've got the suit, the car, and the flowers, now I just need some vodka!'
So he goes to the liquor store. There's a lotta fellas gettin' vodka, so he has no choice but to join the vodkaline.
Eventually, he and his date arrive.
"Y'all look so smart" says she, "dressed in yer tux, bringin' me flowers and makin' sure I arrive in style!"
She's clearly impressed.
"Now take that bottle of vodka a spike the punch" she boldly whispers.
So he goes to spike the punch. There is no punchline.
You may quote me on that.

von Boom

Quote from: Doctor Pops on 10 June, 2015, 12:25:18 AM
A wee yank is taking his girlfriend to prom.
"What do you want to do for prom?" Says he.
"Y'all have to wearing a tux!" Says she, "I want tibby picked up in a limo,and yuh hafta bring me flowers!"
She leans in and whispers, "I wanna get drunk too!"
So the guy goes to the tailors. There's a lot of fellas getting suits, so he has no choice but to join the tuxline.
Next he goes to rent a limo. There's a lot of fellas getting limos, so he has no choice but but to join the limoline.
His patience stretched, he goes to get some flowers. Wouldn't ye know it, there's a lotta fellas getting flowers, so he joins the flowerline.
He thinks to himself, 'I've got the suit, the car, and the flowers, now I just need some vodka!'
So he goes to the liquor store. There's a lotta fellas gettin' vodka, so he has no choice but to join the vodkaline.
Eventually, he and his date arrive.
"Y'all look so smart" says she, "dressed in yer tux, bringin' me flowers and makin' sure I arrive in style!"
She's clearly impressed.
"Now take that bottle of vodka a spike the punch" she boldly whispers.
So he goes to spike the punch. There is no punchline.

Who the f*ck is tibby?

Colin YNWA

Quote from: Doctor Pops on 10 June, 2015, 12:25:18 AM
A wee yank is taking his girlfriend to prom.
"What do you want to do for prom?" Says he.
"Y'all have to wearing a tux!" Says she, "I want tibby picked up in a limo,and yuh hafta bring me flowers!"
She leans in and whispers, "I wanna get drunk too!"
So the guy goes to the tailors. There's a lot of fellas getting suits, so he has no choice but to join the tuxline.
Next he goes to rent a limo. There's a lot of fellas getting limos, so he has no choice but but to join the limoline.
His patience stretched, he goes to get some flowers. Wouldn't ye know it, there's a lotta fellas getting flowers, so he joins the flowerline.
He thinks to himself, 'I've got the suit, the car, and the flowers, now I just need some vodka!'
So he goes to the liquor store. There's a lotta fellas gettin' vodka, so he has no choice but to join the vodkaline.
Eventually, he and his date arrive.
"Y'all look so smart" says she, "dressed in yer tux, bringin' me flowers and makin' sure I arrive in style!"
She's clearly impressed.
"Now take that bottle of vodka a spike the punch" she boldly whispers.
So he goes to spike the punch. There is no punchline.

I'm so glad this thread is back. Though my wife is looking at little concerned about the snorting laughing noise I've just been making. GOLD sir Gold I says.

Andy Lambert

Why does Barbie never get pregnant?

Because Ken always comes in a different box.

Andy Lambert

What's the difference between a penis and a bonus

Your wife will always blow your bonus.

Andy Lambert

A vampire walks into a bar and asks the barman for a cup of hot water.
"Hot water?" the barman says in surprise, "i thought you vamps preferred blood..?"
"We do," says the vampire, producing a used tampon from inside his coat, "I'm having tea..."

McNulty

I believe you may have bypassed your good taste chip...


Dandontdare

he could've taken it to the Antiques Roadshow to find out what period it comes from...

(Sorry, I'm channeling my inner 12 year old!)

Dredd Head

Why do Morris Dancers wear bells?


So they can annoy the blind as well

JamesC

What singer never spills food down his shirt?


Napkin Cole

The Legendary Shark

I was given a toilet brush for Christmas but it's not doing the job for me. Looks like I'm going to have to throw it away and go back to tissue.

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Smith

Thinnest books in the world: Scottish investment guide,Albanian phonebook,Italian heroic stories and Belgian military history.

JamesC

I've got a new dog that can do magic tricks.

It's a labracadabrador.

Tjm86

A Brummy goes to a tailors to get himself a new suit for an interview. 
"What are you after?"  the tailor asks him.
"Well, I need a jacket, trousers, shirt and tie," the Brummy replies.
"Kipper tie?" the tailor asks.
"No thanks, I prefer coffee."