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Well, I got an appointment with my GP's mental health nurse, and not to sound negative, but it was a complete waste of time.  Just saying things like "You've got to focus", that's the damned point, I CAN'T 'just focus', I'm having major sleep problems and life just feels hopeless.  She says "you can change that", well gee, why didn't I think of that, I guess its just that damned easy.

Hopeless, hopeless, hopeless.

If you are able to Jade any Interest/hobby that you take up can let you escape those dark thoughts. Don't think the first thing you try is the "one" you may have to try a few things.
I hope you can find something and stay positive.

That's the thing, I've tried the models, watching DVD's, reading.  I had hoped that I could go back to the bookshop but the manager has been a total pain yet any time I am in there I can see stuff that is being done wrong.  To elaborate she is manager of a standard shop and a separate bookshop.  I suspect there's some sort of personal malicious reason, but proving it...

At the moment I'm reading Raymond E Feists and Janny Wurts Daughter of the Empire, the first of the 'Empire' trilogy that was a spin off from the Riftwar trilogy by Feist.

I've read it before, quite a few times but it's something I like to reread every so often.

I say, the ideal would be if you spend all your life without medication. No drug influx in your body that seduce your mind. The tough ofcourse is when you are hooked on them, and it's not easy to bring yourself on the cold turkey level. I dunno, change something in your life that at least would take your mind off your problems for a considerable time being. Maybe a new hobby or something. Not necessarily traveling. Though in my experience traveling alleviates my issues a bit.

The trouble is that the meds I'm on, most of them are not optional.  I'm on anti-convulsants (Epilim), I'm on blood thinners, Metaformin for diabetes, blood pressure pills and beta blockers to name a few.  I'm also on painkillers for migraines though the strength of those has been lessened as I've been on them for a long time, but a good chunk of them is not really an option.  I've refused anti depressants before as they don't really solve the problem and don't want more pills.

The worst thing about this is when you loose interest in all things you loved and let the apathy swallows you whole. At the top of that are sleeping problems. I figured that perhaps the only way to fix that is to drop all your medics, and change your life severely. Maybe traveling around the globe.

I guess you mean drop the meds?

Sure, and I might end up dead because of it because I'm on so much, though the way I'm feeling that might not be such a bad thing.

As to travel, I'm unemployed, even with the lump sum pip gave me health insurance is prohibitive, and I have to tell the DWP if I'm leaving the country for any length of time and not to mention Cocos restrictions.

Sorry if that comes off as a bit sarcastic but it is what it is, and really, traveling on my own holds no appeal.

I've got an appointment with the mental health practitioner at my GP on Monday but I'm really not expecting anything beyond the usual happy pills suggestion.

Gag, of all the Dreddworld stuff we get more Devlin Waugh, I wasn't a fan of the first lot at all. I'd rather we get Black Atlantic than that tosh.

I really feel guilty about the way I'm feeling, I mean I've solved my financial issues, but the fact is that I still feel that life isn't worth a damn.  It's nice to be able to go to the supermarket and not have to worry about my shopping, not that I go over the top anyway.

No, the fact is that I've reached 50 years old and life just doesn't seem worth a damn.  I've no significant other, practically no family and every day feels the same as the next, even before Covid happened and turned that up to max.

I tried to get back to Oxfam for a few hours a week and the manager said that I wasn't basically respectful or trustworthy.  I really felt like venting on her, for one thing there was a time she had hauled me into the office accusing me of being rude to a post office staff member and that they had had a complaint, turned out it wasn't me but she never bothered getting her facts right.  I wish there was another charity bookshop, but nope.

I still have extreme fatigue and sleep problems.  I didn't get up till 3pm approximately, and was lying semi awake for a while before that, but just felt there was nothing to get up for.  The house is a mess and any time I try to get some tidying up done I get only a little done and just feel beat mentally and physically.

Really, what is the point in it all, life just stinks, and I am increasingly thinking I'd be better of out of it because there's nothing to look forward to.

So what is the extension details?

It's easier to list my stash that I've built up over the years

https://www.scalemates.com/profiles/mate.php?id=49931&p=stash

Well it's been a wee while since I posted here and this seems...... petty, but I'm still feeling bad.  While my immediate financial side is sorted I still feel utterly down and lost. I am suffering from extreme sleep problems, and still extreme loneliness.  There's no way past it, I've got models I could build but can't muster the will or energy to do it, ditto with reading or movies. I've got three issues of the collection still shrink wrapped. It's the old adage of money doesn't solve everything. I mean it's a relief to get groceries without worrying about whether I can afford it or not but that's not everything.

There's no real point in trying to get help from the mental health team.

I haven't read Grey Area or Defoe yet, I've been rereading Raymond E Feist's Magician for another bit of nostalgia.  I see we have Indigo Prime which I was a bit meh about next then Volume 2 of VC's which I have already in paperback but it will be good to get a hardback.

I'm still surprised, angered to a certain extent and baffled as to why we haven't had Pirates of the Black Atlantic.  I mean we had Dredds confrontation with the Sovs during the Luna Marshal times showing the beginning of the seeds in the timeline of the emnity with the Sov-Blok, we really should have Black Atlantic to tie in as well, especially since there was a throwaway line or two in Apocalypse war about it.

I'm pdate, I got my appeal results in and got Pip for the next six or seven years, even better it was backdated to October last year. It's a substantial amount but I'm going to be careful and not go mad.

Without sounding like a moan it's not really helping the loneliness, depression or bad sleep, but it's nice to be able to get shopping without being anxious as to whether I can afford it or worrying whether I have money for the next week

Can I ask anyone's opinions of Jaegir.  The only complaint I have with the book is the one I had with the softcover and that is the fact that since its an ongoing strip according to the afterword, that it seems to be on a form of cliffhanger.  I'm not sure what to think of Jaegirs attitude shift, she wasn't sympathetic to the Southers before but didn't seem to have the fanaticism that was endemic in old Rogue Trooper.

Good to see Kovert again, noticed the increase in rank.  It would have been nice to have a reference somewhere to the War Marshal from Realpolitik somewhere (I can't remember his name).

Well I got my PIP results yesterday, null point as they say in Eurovision.  What makes it even worse is that its full of exaggerations and lies.  Stuff like saying I can plan a journey and use a satnav.  I have an old car, I've never owned a satnav, I've never used one, I've never even borrowed one.  I can plan a basic journey because I'm 50 years old and I've lived in the same area all my life, so I know the area fairly well.

I don't know if anyone here knows Ayrshire in Scotland but it hasn't changed too much in terms of transport layout over the years, not drastically anyway, not like say the centre of Glasgow in the 50s and 60s.

Saying I go to the supermarket and go round quickly is apparently a negative, what I was trying to say was I go in, get exactly what I need and out ASAP, not hang around.  It seems every statement is treated the wrong way.  I was on the phone to the DWP and tried to set them straight but I'll see how that goes.

Also, I tried to go back to the Oxfam book shop, but the manager refused to take me back.  Apparently I'm 'unreliable and untrustworthy' and I disrespected her which is all false.  She says I walked out twice.  Once in one of my particular bad moments I said I wasn't coming back but worked the rest of the day, someone I worked with asked me to come in and help when they were swamped.  In the 4 years I've worked there, I've only been off twice, once for a couple of weeks due to being immobile with a knee problem, once when I was in hospital due to various problems.  I specifically wanted to work there as its a bookshop and I'm not really interested in general charity shop work..ho hum.

Read Jaegir, I had the softcover but it was nice to see the additional stories which got even darker.  Reading Jaegir and some of the later Rogue Trooper that was done after the original, when they tried to make the world grittier, I think it's a shame that the 86ers didn't last longer as I found that to be an enjoyable read.