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Damn, I was looking forward to fiends of the Eastern Front, but I ordered originally from a Smiths in another town and switching branches SHOULD be easy, but NOOOOO, I've got to cancel from the old place and then reorder from the other and hope I don't miss an issue.  Anyway, I was due to go and pick it up today but my car has broken down.

Wasn't there also a Rogue Trooper figure?

I feel that all the therapy won't solve the loneliness problems which were bad enough pre Covid not to mention the financial side. I've also got to be extra careful with medication that I'm on about eight different sorts of medication for other issues that might cause conflicts.

Feeling worse lately with sleeping problems as well and a lack of focus and no enjoyment in anything. It's hard to describe, but it just doesn't feel like a life, not even an existence.

As to the charity shop side, I only volunteered there because it was a bookshop, I've no real interest in a general one as most have only a few books as a sideline

Resilient might be a way of putting it, but I'm increasingly thinking that what is the sense of surviving if life is barely an existence with nothing to look forward to.  I'm now frequently not waking up till the afternoon, my sleep is away to hell.  The flat is an absolute mess and I keep thinking I'll try tidying up but I lack the energy, the will or the motivation to do so.

I had a phone call for a PIP assessment the other day and they didn't even have my information that I had passed on and the useless ATOS individual was very ...arrogant and aggresive saying it wouldn't make a difference, so what did I fill in a 40+ page form for then FFS.  I really think its been decided to fail anyway as ATOS are nothing but a bunch of box tickers.

I've tried phoning Samaritans and Breathing space in the double digit counts and its no use, its just a case of what's the point.  No family, noone close, little money and I am so damned cold.  It's no use going to my doctor because with all the COVID stuff, it's going to be hard enough to get an appointment, and all that will be suggested is pills that don't solve any of the issues.

My situation at the moment is bad, very bad and I feel just getting worse.  I've suffered from ill health starting at the age of 10.  Within a short time I was in a serious car crash and my grandfather died.  After that I was diagnosed with epilepsy which took many years to get under any sort of stable control.

For many years, and indeed to a certain extent still, I have been extremely withdrawn, I found getting a job next to impossible except for a short term call centre position I hated, as it was pressure selling (timeshares), that wasn't what I was told it was going to be, cold calling really can get you down.

Anyway, I've also had health problems with my heart.  Fast forward and five years ago my mother died suddenly and painfully with bowel cancer.  I was on DLA and with the benefit reforms PIP said I had no health problems.  Taking 25-30 pills a day sure doesn't seem like no health problems.  I'm trying to struggle to live on £75 a week and have cut everything to the bone.  Most of the day I don't even have heating on except for hot water.

Depression set in a few years ago and has been steadily getting worse.  I was on Sertraline for a year and felt no positive effects at all.  I feel I have just turned 50 (on January 13th) and I have done nothing with my life, achieved nothing, have nothing worthwhile to live for.  I have had no relationships, no job bar that crappy call centre, I'm living very much hand to mouth and I see no end in sight.  I've already tried suicide twice and find myself contemplating it on a daily basis.  It's silly though, I want to end it, but in a painless way.

I have very little family, a brother I see occasionally, two other brothers I haven't seen in years, one doesn't want to know me for some reason best known to himself, and one was an alcoholic the last time I saw him about six years ago and he only ever appeared when he wanted something.

To try and solve the work issue a few years back I started voluntary work in an Oxfam bookshop as I am an avid reader and have a lot of interest in stuff like graphic novels (obviously), fantasy, sci fi, history both world and local, and various other things.  The management now are to be frank incompetent and keep wanting insane prices.  A prime example was on the Oxfam webshop for instance, one of the phone book editions of Nemesis they wanted £35 for and it had been reduced from over £100, this wasn't a signed edition or anything.  That was from a different shop but is a sign of the sheer greed.  DVD's that used to sell at 4 for £1 they now want £2 each for.  Staff are getting increasingly treated like dirt there, and I feel that our opinions arent even valued.  To be frank its not fun.  Working there was increasing my stress.

Other factors have been lack of proper sleep, or a poor sleep pattern, the sheer cold where I have been wearing four or five layers of clothes and sitting with my duvet in the living room.  I feel I don't have a life and that it barely qualifies as an existence, and its one I want no part of.  I've had people say "Oh its Covid", but I'm saying its not bloody Covid as I was feeling like this before Covid and I admit that's not helping.  I had tried to get help from a counsellor but they were absolutely useless (after six months of waiting) and on the second appointment said "Do you want to continue or give up", encouraging, huh?

I had people say try and join a club, which is difficult at the moment, but even then last year I tried an art club and I couldn't even afford the fee.  Living in such a narrow margin.

This is a bit of an incoherent rant, but I'm just typing it up as I see it.  I just see no reason to go on, nothing to live for and if someone on the street casually says "Things will get better", "Cheer up", or "Buck up", I feel like I will scream.....

Okay, I read Ten Seconders, not quite as good as I had hoped, but solid enough but I got the impression the story seemed a bit to use a technical term 'jumpy abouty'.

I probably will enjoy this again on a reread, I have not been feeling mentally too good for a while and my concentration hasn't been the best.  It took me an age to finish a relatively short Stuart McBride crime book, not because I didn't enjoy it, but I just can't seem to focus.

Red Seas volume 2.  The main story again seemed to jump a bit, I may have been better rereading book 1 to catch up a bit.  I love the two headed dog character (Erebus?).  The spin off stories with Isaac Newton and the Blitz were good.  Professor Toten honestly seemed like something from one of the newer Wolfenstein games (those who've played Old Blood, New Order or New Colossus will know what I mean).

I'm not a big fan of crime fiction, but I feel like I should read Stuart Macbride as an Aberdonian. Is he worth it for someone who doesn't usually read the genre?

BTW, the last crime novel I read was by Ann Cleeves. It was okay, but I found the murderous sprees of Shetland villagers more implausible than the science-fiction that I usually read.

I used to read James Patterson but he's churning them out like a factory, and he has so many co-writers I don't think he does any substantial writing any more.  I've moved onto McBride because of the Scots setting, also Denzil Meyrick with his setting in the Mull of Kintyre.

McBride's books have a black humour, at times very poltically incorrect.  I'd recommend trying the Logan McCrae books, the first is called Cold Granite.  He has another character called Ash Henderson that I've heard isn't as popular.

https://www.goodreads.com/series/55946-logan-mcrae

I don't have either of the Thrud books, the old White Dwarf stuff was funny as well.

Nearly finished Lobster Random, only a short bit to go and I can't say I was thrilled at all by this story, it just didn't get me.  Maybe it's just not my taste.  I prefer stuff like Savage, Rogue Trooper, Dredd/Anderson, Johnny Alpha, Nikolai Dante etc.

Lobster Random was just too strange for me, though the Critchlow art was nice.  I can't see me rereading it, but never say never, maybe my mood just isn't right for it.

I just finished the Stuart McBride's book Now We Are Dead which has DS Roberta Steel as the main POV character rather than Logan MacRae. Set in the Aberdeen area, Steel has been demoted two grades for planting evidence on a suspect who is almost certainly guilty but was just too slippery. She gets warned to stay away from him or else but he is out for revenge and Steel doesn't give up that easily.

I get it with collectibles, I priced up a book that dated from the 18th Century and it sold to someone in Australia, we also had a 1st Edition of Lord of the Rings.  Things like that I can see being valuable.  Hell, I kept a pile of donated Vogue magazines in the shop from the 70's.  Some wanted to throw them out but I said that there were the people interested in nostalgia, fashion and they went for a good price.

Oxfam has never been cheap compared to some of the charity shops where you can pick up things like 3 paperback novels for £1, for one thing the condition of them can vary wildly and Oxfam try to have good condition stuff.

Some graphic novels though, the prices can be silly.  I remember seeing the price that the Savage Taking Liberties and The Guv'nor were going for for a while.  Silly money.

When I worked there we would look online with some stuff, see the lowest and highest price (average) and come to something in between.  Of course you always got some wackos online asking silly money but they would be ignored, as would the dirt cheap ones if the book was listed as in extremely poor condition.  Unfortunately I think Oxfam think they are a full blown collectibles seller rather than a charity shop nowadays.

Definitely not a bargain, and more proof that Oxfam are greedy so and so's.  Look at what they WERE selling it for.  I used to do voluntary work in an oxfam bookshop and some of the directives from management were getting lunatic scale.

https://onlineshop.oxfam.org.uk/shop/books/science-fiction-and-fantasy/the-complete-nemesis-the-warlock-vol-1-books-1-4-hd_101565677?pscid=ps_ggl_shopping&gclid=Cj0KCQiA6Or_BRC_ARIsAPzuer8UAvcPWiKIrvnxFsJ6ZV4i_4nG1vMuS9QQKGcGeW0AZCLllwxOVSkaAuH9EALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds

I've picked up Ten Seconders that I'm eager to read. A good book I can finish in one sitting but I've been having sleep issues due to cold, grief and deep depression. It took me a while to finish one of Stuart McBrides thinner books.

I also don't like to start a new book till I've finished the last and here's the problem, I just can't seem to take to Lobster Random, it seems like trying to read a load of gibberish to be honest. Art is nice enough by Critchlow. That begs a question, is there a collection of Critchlows They'd books?

I'm guessing that's a bad thing?

I've tried reading Lobster Random, maybe its my present mood, maybe not, but despite Critchlow's art I'm finding it a bit of a slog.