Squaxx Telling Jokes

[Mister Pops]

Will Will Smith smith?

Will Smith will smith.

[The Legendary Shark]

A guy walks into the doctor's surgery with mashed potatoes in his hair, diced carrots in one ear, corned beef in the other year, a Yorkshire pudding up one nostril, half a dozen chips up the other, pieces of sweetcorn under his eyelids and gravy all over his forehead.
.
"Doctor..." the guy begins, but the Doctor holds up his hand for silence.
.
"No need to explain, I know exactly what's wrong with you," the Doctor says. "You're not eating properly."

[shaolin_monkey]

'Doctor, I keep thinking I'm Tom Jones!'

'It's not unusual...'

[Colin YNWA]

Why has Edward Woodward got 4 Ds in his name?

'Cos otherwise he'd be Ewar Woowar

[shaolin_monkey]

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No eyed deer.



What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no eyed deer.



What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no genitals?

Still no fucking eyed deer.

[Dandontdare]

ok, I'll trot out my old favourite again:

Mouse goes into a music shop, hops on the counter and asks for a mouse organ
"That's odd" says the shopkeeper, "I had a mouse in here this morning asking for a mouse organ"
"Oh yes," replies the mouse, "That'd be our Monica"

[Dark Jimbo]

A ship sinks in the Mediterranean, and the only survivors are a man, a dog, and a pig. The unlikely trio wash up on the shore of a small desert island and settle in to their new lives as best they can. As days turn into weeks, the man becomes ever more grateful for the company of the two faithful animals - probably all that has prevented him from going insane. As weeks become months, his attachment takes on unhealthy overtones. Loneliness gnaws away at him constantly, and try as he might to resist, the pig begins to look increasingly attractive to him.

Finally he can resist no longer and tries to get romantic - but the dog immediately gets between them, barking, snapping and growling, and the man's frustration goes on. The pattern is the same for weeks - every time the man tries to get intimate with the pig, the jealous dog puts a stop to it. The man is in a constant bad mood, and life on the island becomes tense.

Then one day they see a ship sink some way out to sea. The man dives into the water, swims out and manages to rescue a young woman. By the time she stands dripping on the beach the man is able to get a proper look at her, and is bowled over by her beauty. Her sodden clothes are little better than rags, and cling to every curve and swell of her gorgeous body. The girl is beside herself with gratitude, and begs him, with shining ruby lips, to tell her if there is anything - anything - she can do for the man who saved her life.

As he looks into her adorable doe-like eyes, blinking at him through long dark lashes, the man thinks for just a minute, and says, 'Well... can you take the dog for a walk?'

[Skullmo]

Why should you not wear Ukrainian made underpants?

Because Chernobyl fallout.

[von Boom]

The owner of a doner kebab shop goes to the doctor.
The doctor asks, 'How do you feel?'
The man replies, 'I falafel.'

[The Legendary Shark]

Back from a long and arduous voyage, the Sailor calls home and a young boy answers the 'phone.
.
"Hello, son," the Sailor says. "Is your Mum in?"
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"She's in bed with Uncle John," the boy says.
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"You what?!"
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"It's true! They always go to bed on a Wednesday afternoon and I have to sit quietly downstairs and watch cartoons."
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The Sailor fumes. All those months on the high seas, braving storms and mountainous waves, risking his life in the cold and the roaring dark to send money home and she's sleeping with my brother? That's just not on!
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"Son," the Sailor says, "go into your mother's bedroom and tell her you've just seen your dad coming down the street with his kit-bag and his harpoon."
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"Okay - hang on a minute!" The boy throws down the 'phone and runs off on his errand. The Sailor waits, and waits, and waits until, finally, the boy picks up the 'phone again, breathless with emotion.
.
"He, he, he, that was funny!" the boy pants. "I did what you said and Uncle John shot out of bed, picked up his clothes and tried to run while he was putting his pants on, tripped over the cat, fell out of the window, landed on the patio on his head and cracked it open so his brain fell out!
.
"Then Mummy screamed and ran down the stairs to the patio but she got tangled up in her own whip and slipped on Uncle John's brain, cracked her head on a gnome and fell into the swimming pool face down and she's not moving and the bubbles have stopped and the water's gone all pink and I don't know what to do..."
.
"Swimming pool?!" the sailor ejaculates. "Swimming pool...? Er, is that Southampton 4131...?"

[Spikes]

The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

[The Legendary Shark]

A ship containing red paint has collided with a ship containing blue paint.
.
Both crews have been marooned.

[TordelBack]

What's brown and sneaks around the house at Christmas?






Mince spies!

[ZenArcade]

It is much less dangerous in Santa's Toy factory this year.

He has introduced new Elf n Safety rules. Z

[NapalmKev]

"My Zombie's got no Nose."

"How does he smell?"

"He doesn't! But somehow his Eyes and Ears still work?!"

Cheers