2000 AD Online Forum

With no letters page in any 2000ad prog this year (except prog 2007) and a plea for letters in the Megazine editorial it seems that Tharg's fan mail is at an all time low. Being a sad bastard with nothing better to so on a wet Saturday afternoon I had a look through all of the progs and megs of 2006.

Letters pages appeared in 29 different progs and in 9 of 13 Megazines. An impressive 105 differnt readers had a monment of glory with 83 of them being one offs. Of the 29 letters of the week (*) 21 were from single entry readers - either they decided to retire on top or shot their bolt with their one outing. If you have been published before and want a star letter prize a pseudonym is suggested.

All readers with two or more entries are listed below and although I won I take no pride in the matter. I have yet to meet a woman impressed by this 'achievement'. I was slightly impressed with Tharg's pet Steve Frame with three star letters out of four printed.

STEPHEN WATSON, PAISLEY (1473, 1477, 1479, 1483, 1502, 240, 242, 245, 249, 251)
FLOYD KERMODE, AUSTRALIA (1475, 1483 *, 1507, 1510, 243)
STEVE FRAME, CAITHNESS (1478*, 1490, 1507 *, 1517 *)
MATT WEBSTER, BRADFORD (1475 *, 243, 249)
GERARD SMITH, IRELAND (1479 *, 1486, 247)
IVO BOCHENSKI, SURREY (1486, 1506 * 1517)
MICHAEL CROUCH, NORWICH (1482, 1496, 245)
GRANT GOGGINS, USA (1484, 1502, 1515)
KEITH THORBURN, GLASGOW (1486, 246, 250)
TOM COTTON, TELFORD (1496, 1499, 1507)
ALEX FIRTH, LONDON (1489, 1508, 251)
ALASDAIR STUART, YORK (1479, 1484 *)
JO WALLACE, LAURENCEKIRK (1497, 1502 *)
TONY BARTLETT, DEWSBURY (2006, 1506)
JAMES FEIST, HANTS (2006, 243)
SCOTT FERGUSON, EAST KILBRIDE (1471, 249)
JACK HARVEY, LIVERPOOL (1470, 1476)
ALAN HOLLOWAY, WESTON SUPER MARE (1479, 246)
JOHN LUKE, FRANCE (1473, 250)
DAVID BROOKES, SHEFFIELD (1493, 1502)
PAUL INGRAM, REDDITCH (1475, 1482)
DAVE EVANS (1501, 251)

As for board regulars with no entries - why not?!

Please don't reply with 'self praise is no praise' and smug/sad/pathetic git, I have a wife who takes care of that sort of thing.

2006 was my slowest year. I only sent in a couple, because I ended up regretting having sent most of the letters I got printed, and thought I came across as a bit of a jerk in most of them. Plus the more I post here, the less inclination I feel to send Tharg a message.

I always wondered if Stephen Watson was a boarder. Nice to put an... um, icon, to the name.

I know what you mean Jimbo, for example I don't know who you are. I know Dave Evans is Bolt01 and Floyd Kermode is Scojo but apart from that, the borads' anonynimity is secure.

Floyd Kermode is Scojo...

Heh heh.

Anyways, I'm the only 'James' on the list, my nickname here being Jimbo, and all.

And I think - god knows how I know this, but I think - that the 'Linton Porteous' who always used to write in is our very own Funt Solo (or whatever variation on Funt he currently is).

I shall make an effort in 2007 to write a bit more, if only for the free stuff. :-)

My exhaustive records show that Linton only troubled the printers once in Meg 245.

I'd be interested to see an all time list but be darned if I'm doing it. Linton and Floyd used to be prolific and I remember the duo of Matt and Slaneo who used to be in the Meg every issue, but seem to have disappeared in recent years.

What makes yoy think Floyd is Scojo?

I've written 3 letters to thatg, two of them got letter of the week, the other didn't see print.

I think I'm still owed a gift from one of my letters.

Before a witch burning is arranged I do not think Floyd is Scojo. It was a weak joke based on the fact that his user name is the same as his actual name. Yes,it really was that amusing!

having sent most of the letters I got printed

other people sent some of the letters that you got printed? :P

Arr, Jimbo - that be me.  I went through a phase of prolific letter-writing that saw a few in print (mostly years ago now) - but never anything to contest Floyd 'Scojo' Kermode's output (to input).

Given the cool prizes on offer - it's pretty idiotic of me not to write in anymore.

(My letters were so popular that they even prompted Troutski to offer to come around and smash my windows!)

Has anybody noticed the name Kermode used in the movies section of one of the latest Judge Dredd magazines.

I don't have the issue to hand Thryllseekyr but it probably relates to Mark Kermode, an agressivly opinionated film critic. He's a bit contrary, but his movie webcast is good for a few laughs. You can get it on the BBC website (Five Live) or off iTunes as a podcast.

Link: Death of Narrative Critisim

:: As for board regulars with no entries - why not?!

Luck of the draw, I guessâ??at least in my case. I wrote to "Tharg" a few times last year, but the only thing I can recall that was printed was my small tribute to Tom Frame (which, I have to say, I was very grateful that Matt printed).

The window service is still on offer, Linton, or a pint sometime, since we're in the same neck of the woods.

As for letters - pah! anyone can do that.
Even I had one in a few weeks ago!

- Trout

Interesting (in the loosest possible sense) to note the concentration of multiple letter writers in the Greater Glasgow area...

You're right Cosh, that is almost interesting! Below is a list of all Cal-Hab readers who had a scribble published. There are also 5 who give their address as 'e-mail wherever that is, and one who says he's from Neptune. Presumably he's on the Buckfast and therefore from Lanarkshire.

STEPHEN WATSON, PAISLEY
STEVE FRAME, CAITHNESS
KEITH THORBURN, GLASGOW
JO WALLACE, LAURENCEKIRK
SCOTT FERGUSON, EAST KILBRIDE
JAMES BURNS, WISHAW (1515 *)
BRIAN KRESSLER, PAISLEY  (1490 *)
LAURENCE Oâ??ROURKE, EDINBURGH (2006)
JAMES MACKAY, GLASGOW (1489)
JOHN DOCHERTY, GLASGOW (1492)
RICHARD JAMIESON, MORAY (1496)
JORDAN SMITH, GLASGOW (1507)
LINTON PORTEOUS, DUNDEE (245)

At least one of those has been chucked out of the country, y'know.

- Smelly McFish, Perth

As I had my progs out for 'the big read' I thought I'd have a look at the 'Year One' of letters. There are only a few star letters as the then massive £10 prize usually went to picture senders. Only Vaughn Thomas managed to get two in, although '2000ad reader' got two too he's probably two people.

It would be slightly interesting to know if any published Earthlet is still a regular reader (or boarder!). I also see that Arsenal and Sweden football star FREDERICK LUNDBERG got one in before he changed his nationality and the spelling of his name.

V THOMAS, WOLVERHAMPTON (11*, 43)
2000AD READER, SUTTON/LONDON (10*, 22)
MICHAEL JAMIESON, INVERNESS (12*)
S FOULSER, WESTCLIFFE ON SEA (13*)
STEVEN ABRAHART, NEW MALDEN (16*)
CHRIS CATTO, EDINBURGH (8)
JOHNATHAN TASKER, COTTINGHAM (8)
IAN OLSEN, LIVERPOOL (8)
G & P ASPINALL, PLYMOUTH (8)
MICHAEL SHOVLIN, GLENROTHES (10)
S MCMILLAN, DERBY (10)
MARK BARBER, DARTFORD (11)
JOHN HALL, BELFAST (12)
FRGUS BUCHANAN, GLASGOW (12)
DAVID IZZARD, BUSHEY (12)
BARRY LONG, MANCHESTER (13)
IAN SHAW, MIDDLETON (13)
NIGEL TOMPKINS, RADLETT (14)
PAUL NEWLAND, COLCHESTER (14)
ROBIN RIGGS, LEWES (16)
L SHUELL, PETERBOROUGH (16)
KENNETH GIBSON, HARTLEPOOL (17)
KEVIN CLARKE, BIRMINGHAM (17)
MARK WOODHOUSE, SHEFFIELD (18)
KEITH ARMSRTONG, COLCHESTER (21)
THEODORE (22)
STEVE GOOCH, RUGBY (24)
R TUCKER, LONDON (24)
T CLARKE, GALAXY 3 (25)
STEPHEN BATTERS, HUDDERSFIELD (25)
SIMON PITTS, ESSEX (25)
RUSSELL CHILD, LONDON (26)
ROBERT NICOL, COULSDON (28)
ANDREW PETERS, ST IVES (29)
CASSIN, LIVERPOOL (31)
STEVEN SMITH, SOUTHAMPTON (31)
CHARLES FOTHERINGHAM, FALKIRK (33)
CRAIG HARDIE, HUNTINGDON (34)
CRISPIN JULIAN, SALTERTON (34)
JUDGE SAVILLE (37)
BRIAN RODEN, TELFORD (39)
JL HOWARD, BLACKROD (41)
PETER NORTHOVER, HARROW (41)
JULIAN HOWARTH, CARDIFF (42)
CHRISTOPHER QUINN, MAGHERA (42)
GLEN ALLISON, BELMONT (43)
FREDERICK LUNDBERG, BOURNEMOUTH (43)
ANDREW MEHR, PRESTWICH (44)
ANDREW BURNS, COVENTRY (44)
DARA Oâ??KEARNEY, WEXFORD (44)

And yes, I'm aware that I have too much time on my hands.

(Not very) interesting fact: I once had a letter printed some time back in the 90's, but it was attributed to BrianO, as I used his email address to send it.
Never got my mug either 'cos I forgot to include my address. Bah...

I once sent in a letter that got printed with my mums name for a similar reason.

Have since had other letters published, though when my parents sent my nemesis toy thingy up to my Uni house the post office pinched it, the bastards.

I've written twice over the years, and sent one e-mail via a phone. None of them got in- that green bastard has it in for me, i tell you! Comin' round here, takin'over our comics,living according to his  foreign ways etc - dirty bastard!
It surprised me that there was another person in Moray.

I know heaps of beautiful available women who are impressed by your achievement Buttonman. You'll just have to take my word for it.
  By the way, I have a screenplay for a new Dredd movie not starring Daniel Craig (continued p 94)....

I've sent in two letters and had two printed - one was for a bet, and the other was about Tom Frame.

Never recieved any of these free gifts, or whatever it is that you win, but I'm not really bothered, to be honest.

I was printed once AND I'm from Glasgow. Wheres my effing prize.

Hey Santa Claus you cunt!
Where's me fucking bike?
I've unwrapped all this other junk and there's nothing that I like.
I wrote you a fucking letter and I come to see you twice
Ya worn out geriatric fart, you forgot me fucking bike.
If I wanted a pair of bloody thongs, I'd have bloody asked.
And this cowboy suit and ping pong set you can shove right up your arse!
You've stuffed me bloody order up
It's enough to make you spew
And I'm not the only one who's snakey
Me sisters dirty too!
(female voice)
Hey Santa Claus you cunt!
Where's me fucking pram?
You promised me you'd bring me one, you remember who I am.
'Cause I'm the little girl who you made sit right on your hand
I'll give you fucking ho ho ho
You forgot me fucking pram
(male voice)
Next time I come to see ya, I'm gonna punch you in the guts
And I'll let your fucking reindeer go and kick Rudolf in the nuts!
You just wait 'til next year, when you go to that store
And me and me little sister, come stomping through the door
And we'll say, yeah you wait for it
Hey mums and dads you smell his breath and check his bloodshot eyes
And don't listen to him boys and girls 'cause he tells fucking lies
He's just a piss tank and a pervert, and he's not even very bright
'Cause the old fucking wanker Forgot me fucking bike.
You wait you old cunt, I'm gonna dob you in
Tell me old man on you, he's gonna punch your fucking lights out

I really hope you have some sort of robot/magic computer and you haven't actually read all the progs and compiled a database of letter writers...


..


you have, havent you?

I do have a magic computer, but sadly only one that displays naked ladies not one that reads comics and compiles pointless data bases.

I have done 1-100 and 2006/7 - anyone fancy doing the rest? C'mon...hello?

A feat worthy of...

:)

I suppose I've been very lucky with my submissions to the letters' pages. In my time as a reader, I've had 3 letters published in 2000AD and one in the Meg. All in all, I have sent 3 letters to 2000AD and two to the Meg, all via email. 3 out of four isn't bad I thought.

I think I've sent about half a dozen letters and got... (looks round office and counts 2 hero-clix figures and one mousemat).. three published.

Not as good as my hit rate for METRO was (which is about 12 out of 15) which included a run of a week and a picture of a monkey in a hat (and Kelly Brook).  But a retarded monkey can (and does) get letters in Metro so I've kind of given up on that...

Once lottery funding has been secured and the project is complete all these claims will be carefully checked. Sounds like Tharg the recycler throws very little away!

I was reading some back progs I'd picked up second hand from the dark days of being a non-scrot. There was a slew of letters from Funt, Floyd and whom I now know is buttonman. There was also one from a Mr Dayglo- calling for the heads of several artists to be hand delivered to his house on a platter (although that may be a whopping exaggeration!). I found this shortly after I was hung drawn and quartered here for slagging off the artwork of Rian Hughes and (IIRC) Peter Docherty. Fantastic! Instant moral middle ground- now I can slate anyone I want! Mwahahahahahahahahah!
;D

I like Doherty, does an interesting Dredd.

There was a recent story he did that was pretty damn fine (although admitting that would mean i was wrong, so i won't. Damn I have!). I think I was on about Judgement Day at the time- and it was mainly my attitude to Hughes' stuff that stirred it up... anyway, newbs with an opinion need to be slapped down!

Well, my Big Reread has just now brought me to prog 800, so I'll work on 800-899.  Might take me a few weeks...

Way to get involved Hipster Dad! I use works database and use the fields 'Christian name', 'Surname', 'Town', 'Prog number', 'Star letter' (yes/no), Country' and 'Year'.

And remember it doesn't end with the nerve centre, in the early progs there was the lamentable 'Ro-Jaws & Hammerstein's Laugh In' which contained readers' piss poor jokes. I counted them but drew the line at competition winners and reader profiles.

Now who's up for the easy 1000-1400 block? C'mon this is a historical resource that future generations can access and marvel at.

I really want to criticise the design of your database, but feel that would be too sad for a comics fan site.

If only you'd started this last year, I would have covered the crucial 1300-1450 section for you.

Nothing's too sad for a comics site! What tweaks would you suggest? I'm only up to Prog 150 and would be happy to restart.

If you think I'm a sad bastard (and it wouldn't be unusual, check out this guy from Prog 171 in 1980...



And he went onto make films and stuff!

Are we sure thats 'the' Simon Pegg?  I'd like to think it was, and convinced the wife it was the same, but subsequently I've seen an interview where he claims he was only reading the prog from the 400-500s time (perhaps trying to hide his real age!)  

are you including art as well - maybe you need a "category" field - "art/letter/joke"

I love Thargs soul crushing response to that letter - and only a few seconds to calculate hundreds of pages?  What advanced alien technology!

'Shaun of the Dead' Pegg would have been about 10 when this was out so it's possible, but I doubt likely. His Wikipedia bio says he was born in Gloucester whereas the letter guy is from Mansfield in Notts. He could've moved after being born!

There was also a £3 letter from Harry Harrison in Prog 148 who pointed out the pages of one Stainless Steel Rat episode were in the wrong order. Tharg gave him the prize as no readers had noticed!

As for art I'm afraid as I only write in that's all I've went for. In some early progs there were collages of readers art with dozens of names. I'm mental but not that mental.

Here's another celebrity writer from Prog 207 in 1981...

You may not be able to make out the black on newsprint text but it's none other than Warren Ellis. Yeah not exactly Tom Cruise but I have to work with the material at hand.

or you could also look at Gordon Rennie's Letters To The Green Dude.

Link: Letters To The Green Dude

I had wurdz and pikchurz in the prog a couple of times- back in the days when the Mighty One handed out Galactic Groats as encouragement.

I once factored in the ten quid I was going to get for my latest offering, when counting up how much cash I would have by a certain date.

Imagine my dismay when my pic didn't get published.  Ten quid short!

Good call Logan, ahead of the game as always!

I'd love to see a section on the site where every nerve centre is available a decent scan like the star scans and searchable by names who appeared

I would love to see a page of crap letters that never got printed. I suspect a lot of my deranged scribblings would be on that page.

I would love to see a page of crap letters that never got printed. I suspect a lot of my deranged scribblings would be on that page.

I think you can see the vast majority of posts on this messageboard in that light.

This appeal for letters has already borne fruit as I can confidently predict Monday's prog will have a letters page. (Judge Mortis told me so)

I'm currently reading from 950 on, so I'll join in. Are these being collated by yourself Button?

Bolt-01

The madness...she spreads!

Hipster Dad is slogging at 800+ so 950 on would be great. I'm only doing letters but he's doing pics and titles too. I'm no  great web-fu expert but would be happy to compile them in a works Database. If you want to get involved send me a message and I'll send you the fruits so far. If you then want to create a fully searchable website that's up to you!

Anyone else who wants in let me know and I'll send it to you to. You can just approach me through the message system so no one will know your secret shame!

cheers

Stephen

I sent a letter in once when I was a pre-teen, every newsagent in the area said they hadn't received that weeks copy of the prog and that some short of shipping error had occured and thay wouldn't be getting it ever.....so I wrote to Tharg asking if I could have the missing prog as my prize instead of what was going at the time.......an LRD I think.

Bit naff of me really!

Hey Buttonman,
I think you should work on those Channel 4 programmes The 100 Greatest whatever. Your skills would come in very handy.
Are you an accountant!!!!

I am not an an accountant, although I would like to get into accountancy through graduated steps. I am in point of fact a lion tamer.

I blame the wife. I've been on a booze free diet since january 3rd and as 20 years of funk have cleared nothing has been revealed in their place.

I do like a challenge, albeit a pointless one. I remember the glory days of setting up a database for all the Megs I was missing and the empty void when I got the last one.

The nerve centres, laugh ins and special feature letters are sprinkled throughout the prog so it's a good opportunity to sift through some old friends. Finished up to prog 300 to date and some of the covers in the 150-300 run are amazing and iconic. Look at these babies..

I salute you!

I'm not sure if this website was around since I started collecting. Though I'm not sure there was even a internet back then. But writing a letter to UK never would have occured to me.

This appeal for letters has already borne fruit as I can confidently predict Monday's prog will have a letters page. (Judge Mortis told me so)

Your nemesis - Steve Frame, Caithness, also has a letter printed this week. Not LotW, but he's placed higher than you. Do placings count?

Remind me what categories are going into this table?

Prog, Name, location, prize. Anything else?

Bolt-01

Positioning is important Cosh, with the last letter on the page being the premier location. Remember the funny bit at the end of News at ten? That's the last letter position, the one to give you a warm glow, the one you'll remember. Right who got there this week? Rustle, rustle why it's...!

As Steve (boring as a) Frame (of snooker), I have no worries. He can't hold the course. 2-1 already! Where is Floyd? Paul Hogan, Steve Irwin, Dame Edna, some Sheilas your boys took one hell of a beating!

Ahem.

Anyway the catagories I'm using (and have used for 300 progs and aren't changing now!) are...

Christian Name (no PCness here!) Surname, Town, Prog, Star Letter Y/N, Country (England, Scotland, Ireland (incl North, as in the rugby) Wales, Overseas and Other (for those living on Venus etc.), and Year.

All volunteers welcome - we'd do it in a week if everyone took ten progs each!

You might be able to get a government grant to do that if you asked.

The great quest is partially complete! Well 20% or so anyway. I have completed an exhaustive survey of all letters printed in the megazine, including the 'Inquisition' pages.

The 254 Megazines have had a total of 214 'Dreddlines', a healthy 84.26%. The average Megazine has 4.44 letters, but rising to 5.27 if Dreddlines only issues are counted. A total of 1128 letters were printed.

Top Ten Writers are:

Floyd Kermode :   27
Stephen Watson :  20
El Sloano      :  16
Linton Porteous : 14
Matt Nixon  :      9
James Feist :      6
Scott Thomson :    5
Thomas Hardy :     4
Rufus Dayglo :     4
Gavin Gunn :       4

Gordon Rennie had two entries (V2.42, V2.59) as has Si Spurrier (V3.62, V3.65). Scojo has one (203).

Geographically speaking the national spread is along population grounds although a pretty good showing for Ireland (which includes the North in my count). Overseas has a good showing too althogh about a third of them are Floyd. 'Other' is any without an address including 'anons', funny places such as Saturn and Blobbyland and e-mails which became more prevalent in recent times.






 ENGLAND: 657 ~ 58.24%
 OTHER: 148 ~ 13.12%
 SCOTLAND: 124 ~ 10.99%
 IRELAND: 82 ~ 7.27%
 OVERSEAS: 76 ~ 6.74%
 WALES: 41 ~ 3.63%
 
 Total: 1128

If anyone wants a list of their own appearances PM me or ask here - it must have a purpose! Well done Floyd, but the crown won't be presented until the 1300 remaining Progs are assessed!

Go on, then, yes please.  

James Mackay (many, many home towns)

Whirrrr...computing.........bing!

JAMES   MACKAY   SOMERSET   M253
JAMES   MACKAY   LONDON           M229      
JAMES   MACKAY   LONDON           M225
JAMES   MACKAY   GLASGOW           1489   

Here you go, the Meg listing is complete with 1-300 and 1450 onwards of the progs done.

That will be £25.

Hello?         

10 YEARS WORTH DONE!

Here's an artistic effort from a young proto-droid in 1987...

Cool!  That was always one of my favourite pieces of Reader Art, had no idea it was by Boo.

Actually Buttonman, Ireland looks a bit under represented, or maybe just right, if my sums aren't off - there's about 6 million of us on the island, versus the 60 million on the island of Britain.  So 1/10 of the England-Scotland-Wales total should be spot on.

"The great quest is partially complete! Well 20% or so anyway. I have completed an exhaustive survey of all letters printed in the megazine, including the 'Inquisition' pages."

Hmmm... I approve of this strangely unusual waste of time... well done!

"Hmmm... I approve of this strangely unusual waste of time... well done!"

Thank Christ acceptance at last! I'm actually about half way through with all the Megs put to bed and prog 559 in my hands. 1400+ were closer to hand so where done first. 800 odd to go - doddle.

Prog 559 was coincidentally enough the first prog in which I had a letter - 30/01/1988. I aksed who an background character was in the Dredd and he replied his name was Grobbledonk and he worked in insurance. 7 months later I started working in insurance! Spooky.

As for the Irish I felt they were punching above their weight as they are effectively an overseas country who doubtlessly have to pay more for their progs. Well done Pat n' Mick!

Woohoo - 4th place in the Megazine - cool.  Thanks, buttonman.

---

Grobbledonk - shurley not a relative of Grobbendonk (who, we were informed on his every appearance, spoke Gibberish, a Fringe World dialext) from Nemesis the Warlock?

dialect

*blame the wine*

***Actually Buttonman, Ireland looks a bit under represented, or maybe just right, if my sums aren't off - there's about 6 million of us on the island, versus the 60 million on the island of Britain. So 1/10 of the England-Scotland-Wales total should be spot on.***



6 million is a bit high for the population of Ireland. According to 2006 statistics there's approximately 4.25 million.

I'd say Buttonman's estimate is fairly correct for this isle. At least we beat Wales.

I'm sorry I'm being so slow with this, but I've got 44 of the 800-899 block done, and will try to be finished by the end of February.

No worries Hipster, cheers. I'm in the 600's but being distracted by Zenith and The Final solution.

Here's another droid showing early promise - good job Gregory!

6 million is a bit high for the population of Ireland. According to 2006 statistics there's approximately 4.25 million.

I do apologise, what was I thinking.  Should have checked with the CSO before making wild statements.

RoI 26 Counties 2002:  3,917,203.
NI 6 Counties 2001:  1,685,267.

Total 2001/2002: 5,602,470.

I'd trust the CSO, having done some work with them in the past and found them too boring to be corrupt, but there figures don't yet include the most recent Census.  

The Irish Government (never to be trusted on any point) suggests a probable number of 4,200,000 in the Republic in mid-2006 and to about 1,700,000 in Northern Ireland by the same period.  This gives an estimated figure of 5,960,000.  So you are quite right.  My rash statment that "there's about 6 million of us on the island" is an appalling overestimate.    

***The Irish Government (never to be trusted on any point) suggests a probable number of 4,200,000 in the Republic in mid-2006 and to about 1,700,000 in Northern Ireland by the same period. This gives an estimated figure of 5,960,000. So you are quite right. My rash statment that "there's about 6 million of us on the island" is an appalling overestimate. ***


Not to worry, I forgive you, thousands wouldn't.

Hi, I found my name, Steve Abrahart in this fan site - I did indeed have not one but two reader pics in issue 16 (Octopod Fishing Machine) and I also had a pic of a card model I made of the 'Eagle' Dan Dares shuttle. I am actually selling my 2000AD collection at the moment - I have quite a few left, early issues gone.  Luckily I purchased two copies when i was younger.  I also have a complete collection of Starlord and all free gifts in excellent nick.

I don't read it now, but I am quite a fan of Judge Dredd.  Very interesting site.

Link: abrahart design

Nice to see 'THE PROJECT' is bringing old meat back to the board! I have you down as having the star letter in Prog 16 and you come from New Malden. I only do letters, the paintbox monkeys can do their own!

P.S. Your link didn't work, this one should. Nice piccies!

Link: £3 Winner Makes Good

The man draws a neat hover-bike, that's for sure.  Good stuff, Steve!

I sent a letter for the 30th anniversary prog doubt it will appear though.

Well, the deed is done. All 255 Megs and 1526 Progs have been pored over and the letters details stored for posterity. A big shout out to Hipster Dad (Grant Goggans) for doing the 800-899 run.

The total letter count was 6785 with Floyd of course winning the day with a mighty 76. I've listed the top ten below...

Name   Location (S)    2000ad letters   Meg letters    Star letters    Total
Floyd Kermode    Japan/Australia/e-mail   49   27   6   76
Stephen Watson   Stepps/Glasgow/Paisley   23   21   3   44
Linton Porteous   Dundee/e-mail   11   14   0   25
Grant Goggans   USA/e-mail   18   0   2   18
Richard Kavanagh   Dublin/Co Wicklow   17   0   3   17
Michael Crouch   Norwich/Norfolk   11   3   1   14
James Feist   Hants. /e-mail   7   6   1   13
Dan Pollard   Bolton   6   4   2   10
Simon Spurrier   Crowthorne   8   2   2   10
Scott Ferguson   East Kilbride/Glasgow   5   5   1   10

Well done to a certain Simon Spurrier who got his ten letters in progs between the narrow window of 1999/2000 - if only he stuck at it he could be at Floyd's door by now!

If anyone wants their own listing or some statistical data such as number of letters from Italy (1) or who had two letters in one prog let me know.

Sorry that didn't work. Try this one.

poor linton - no star letters for all that effort

and was there ever any doubt that mr kermode would come out on top?

thinky

Poor Linton (Funt Solo) indeed, although it should be noted that for long periods there were no star letters. But still he must be writing a lot of mince to miss the prize so often!

As for Floyd he must write to Tharg everyday, like a death row inmate writes to his lawyer! If he hadn't walked it he may have got additional points for people writing in complaining about him! Poetry too! A man of letters indeed.

Amazing achievement, BM - now write to Tharg and tell him what you've done, and the circle will be spookily complete.

I'm # 4 !?!  Good grief!

I'd better get a-writin' if I'm to ever catch up with Linton, though.

::"he must be writing a lot of mince to miss the prize so often"

Oi!

hee-hee Funt I knew a Dundee man would react to a suggestion of mince!

So I suppose you don't want the 950-1000 data I've been working on then?

Bolt-01

Cheers Bolt - the urge to finish and clear up the house overtook me! If it's done send it on and i'll check my working!

Thanks for the effort it's all for a pointless cause!.

Can we have a list of people who haven't had a letter in?

Nothing like a nayce mince pay for lunch.

---

So, does your data-monster say what specific issues and megs I got published in?

Hmm, six folks above me...

I'd better get writin' again if I want to make my place a little more secure. I think this time I'll give up 'trying to be funny', though, those letters made me sound like a right idiot. And I miss the free TPBs...

"So, does your data-monster say what specific issues and megs I got published in?"

Pah! The beast knows all! Your star letters are highlighted with a *. Ooops...
M-numbers are Megazines, obviously.


M170/V3.67
M173/V3.70
M194/V4.12
M201
M207
M211
M214
M216
M219
M222
M232
M235
M239
M245

1131
1310
1316
1318
1362
1376
1385
1400
1422
1427
1433

Well done Buttonman, what a truely pointless piece of work, that could qualify for a Megacity hobby ;p

I've only had one letter and one drawing published, but that is a 100% hit rate so I'm happy. The drawing was Middenface McDredd and the letter was about Anderson's hi-heels being regulation J-Dept issue, sad eh? Still I'll written to Thargy about the Knighthood business so fingers crossed

Proudhuff

PS the pie chart was a LOL momment,

Pointless you say? You betcha! No Huff names so you must be travelling under an assumed nose. For some reason I thought you were the Jo Wallace of Laurencekirk of 5 Letters (2*'s) 2004-2006 fame.

Here's a snapshot of what name you should or should not give your offspring if you aspire to them being a letters page god.

That's cheating - you can't combine John-based itterations like that! That's giving the Johnny's of the world an unfair advantage!

No matter how you slice and dice it Byron, 'Byron' or 'Virgo' both fail to trouble the scorers.

Just be grateful I didn't include Stephen/Steven/Steve/Steev/Stephanie/Stefan/Steveo/Stephanovic column which would have won the day with 233.

"No matter how you slice and dice it Byron, 'Byron' or 'Virgo' both fail to trouble the scorers."

You are aware that's not my name, right? And surely anyone luckless enough to be named 'Byron' wouldn't choose to advertise the fact, as proved by your letters survey...

Also, shouldn't you be including Jack, being as it's a shortening/slang for John?

17 Jacks and one Jackie would add to the 'John' roster.

What is your real name Byron?, if it's not a personal question, which it is.

My snitch says you're Ed 'two letters' Berridge.

Eds, Edwards, Edwins, Edmunds, Ednas, Eddies, Edryd and a single Edie amount to a total of 38 letters. Must try harder.

Hi, long time lurker, part time poster.

Can I just say that in all the time I have been browsing this message board for gossip and info on 2000AD that this thread is without doubt the greatest I have read!

Jeff Tiley
(Published in prog 208/1055/Meg V3.1!
Honorary mention in Meg Vol 3.29 when I was told to 'cheer up' by David Bishop after writing in saying the Meg should be cancelled as it was rubbish now it contained so much reprint! 11 years later I'm still hanging in there with it.)

Buttonman I salute you!

Hmmm...I'm all for being buttered up but not at the expense of... the truth!

I have three Tileys from Bristol but one is a David in Prog 275 (1982). Your other two claims are accepted.

No record of you in 208 unless it was a readers' profile which I didn't count (including my own in Prog 1050)! I do have a Nigel Kilminster of Bristol in 208, so unless you wrote in using this name or something funny like 'Mr Blobby' I have to disallow your fanciful claim.

I shall require evidence before the archive is updated unless you are a 'secret shopper' sent out to check the veracity of large data base claims.

Bah, rumbled! You are correct, it was in fact a readers profile in prog 208.

Incidentally, the David Tiley published in prog 275 is my older brother! The A-Z of 2000AD iirc. I was quite aggrieved with him at the time for having a letter published in MY comic!

Yet to be tripped up! Bring 'em on!

By the way dressing up readers' profiles as letters impresses no one. Well me, a bit. But that's it - won't get you into Groucho's you know!

It did impress my teacher at junior school! I took prog 208 into show him and he was moved enough to read my profile out to the whole class.

I didn't think I was too old at the age of 10 to dress up in a Strontium Dog outfit and I still don't today...

ah Buttonman the power you have!

but I won't crack, your not getting the name...must reach boot knife...

Huff

Right, I'm going for this. I meant to a year or so ago, but then couldn't be arsed.

A letter a week, here goes.

One question - what about Dreddlines?

What about Dreddlines? All the Meg letters have been assessed and databased.

What's your handle Dr X? Do you have form?!

I have had two or three printed. I can't remember how many it is over the years, but one in Prog 2006 (about Psi-division) and one in the 36 months before that. I may have written another - I'm not sure.

Prog only

Looking at the "2 or more" list, I see I'm not on it. But I have most definitely had two letters printed. I got a metal badge for one and a Nemises for another. Actually, thinking about it, I think I had two Nemises.

Hey, and I'm a Cal-habber!

I'm getting paranoid now.

The two or more list was only in the 2006 list - name and shame yourself and the database will tell all!

You are Laurence O'Rourke and I claim my 5 creds.

Prog 2006
Prog 1376
Meg  216

No, I'm not you know.

I mis-read the posts. I had no letters in 2006, only Prog 2006 (published in 2005) and a couple in 2000 - 2004.

How queer. The only Jock in prog 2006 was the above named Edinburgher. Did you have your address listed or only an e-mail? 3 Jocks including myself had letters in Prog 2005 - are you Derek Hamill or Richard Jamieson?

It's like a dull version of 20 questions this!

Just wait and see. BM - when the letter flow!

Just wait and see. BM - when the letter flow!

What about me then?

I think I've had three. One about KILLER, one about that Judge Dredd family saga thing where the artist drew Vin Deisel.  And one other (but maybe not).

What's your name and area tiplodocus?  I'll run Mr Babbage on receipt.

That Tipo is another Jock!

Grass-Huff

Name the names - it's like Alcoholics Anonymous 'round here! Right down to the slurring, soiling and name calling.

Bah! Fancy them sabotaging the website just so I couldnâ??t unveil this beauty! Still you canâ??t gag the press! This delayed edition covers 2000ad Prog 1527 and Megazine 256.



Welcome to an exciting new feature, demanded by literally no people at all. Letters Us Entertain You will give you the inside story of serial letter writers, the virgins who have popped their cherry and those who rattle one off when the mood takes them.

This first, and almost certainly last edition, sees a busy 8 letters spread over two comics and a page and three-quarters.

First up is the excellent 2000ad outing which occupies the favoured inside back page. Letter of the week is by Laurence Oâ??Rourke and to be honest itâ??s a bit of a mash note to Tharg. We all buy the comic â??cos we like it but a bit of practical criticism please! Tharg may be being generous as heâ??s welcoming Laurence back into the fold after his two letter were published in 2004. Laurence can also lay claim to having two letters of the week in a row, his last being in Prog  1376.

Long time letters guru Scott Ferguson edged up the leader board with his 11th missive hitting the target this week. His record stretches back to 1992 with a 6 / 5 split in his letters in favour of 2000ad over the Megazine.

Keeping Uncle Sam in the picture is letters database helper Grant Goggans A.K.A. Hipster Dad who penned his 19th letter this prog. Impressively every letter has been in 2000ad - Megazine Tharg must hate you Grant! Grant has done the double after his letter in 1526 and must be hopeful for an unprecedented hat-trick.

Our old friend Dave â??Boltâ?? Evans sneaked in a tiddler taking his total to a respectable 7 - keep that pen twitching Dave, double figures looms!

The only newbie this week is Sean McNally of Ireland who takes the title of â??27th Sean to get a letter inâ??, a competition dating back to Prog  88 in 1978.

Over to the megazine now where three letters jostle for space with a competition. We donâ??t want to get back to the four page, 13 letters Bish-Op days but is a full page too much to ask? No.

Anyway first up is John Doolan who gets his first nod from Tharg. A thoughtful and well argued piece that could do with just a smidgen of humour or controversy. Still, good effort Iâ??m sure we all look back and cringe at our fledgling entries!

Tom Cotton makes his Megazine debut after getting a three bagger in 2K in a short 1496-1507 burst. Good to see you broadening your horizons Tom!

Last for now (Hoo-Ray!) is Mike Morgan who likes a spunk gag when he sees one (not literally Iâ??m sure). Mike is new to the fold and it augers well for the Meg that two out of three correspondents are first timers.

All in all a positive week with nearly two pages of scribbles with a fine balance between old stagers and new blood. Keep up the good work letters sub-editor droid!

Tharg (barely) answered my question in the 30th Anniversary prog...and there was the Good Company picture in prog 847 - but how many other letters have I had?


Nathan Milner AKA Oddboy

 Nathan...it's a good name. Let's see...whirrr...ting!

1276
1309
1371
1506
1526

3 for Nathan and two for 'Oddboy' I will require proof of identity before validating this score. I also have one 'Nathan - e-mail' for Meg M187/V4.5 in 2001 - are you claiming that? Does anyone want to claim it or dispute Nathan getting it?

Remember I don't agree with including drawings. They're rubbish, that's why they stopped printing them.

1276, 1309, 1371, 1506 & 1526 were all mine.

Proof? 1276 was me admitting to liking "Killer". Surely no one else would admit that?

1309 was the subject of a boarders competition to get a letter printed. I won, my prize was a copy of that prog signed by loads of boarders, so ask them!

1371-  can't remember what this one was...

1506 & 1526 I still have in my email sent items box. I could forward them to you if you don't believe me! In fact, 1526 was originally one of my posts on the 2000ADreview site. 1506 was about my comics bookcase collapsing.



In the Meg-  there was a letter in Vol One #16, and I think one about Charley's War in summer 2005 sometime.

V4.5 - I don't know. What was it about?

Your word's good enough for me!

Although not for the commitee, send proof now!

I have a Nathan Miller in Meg 16 but I concede the spelling error may be mine although that's highly unlikely. It does have the writer as living in Winchester which differs from your earlier testimony. The spooks are on their way!

I don't have any Nathans or Odds in 2005. I think you must have dreamt up the Charlie's War letter.

"V4.5 - I don't know. What was it about?"

Quaequam Blag you don't think I copy them all out do you?! Just waiting for the extra memory and industrial scanner!

Harestock, Winchester is where I grew up... in fact, I was there no Saturday having a roast with my parents.

There was deffo a letter sent to Dreddlines re: Charley's War... but I think Alan Barnes just name-checked me among several other letter-writers who wrote on the same subject (being, his choice to continue with CW strip showing London being bombed, the week after the July bombings in 2005.)
I'll have to dig out my megs tonight to flick through em!

How much does it cost to download a copy of this marvellous utility? And does playing around with this on a Monday morning make up for not having this week's Prog?

Freeware to all who demand it. Post your e-mail or PM it to me and it'll be with you in moments. Sadly it doesn't include this weeks prog!

And no using it to bait people or put up loads of pointless posts. People hate that.

"Alan Barnes just name-checked me among several other letter-writers who wrote on the same subject "

That don't count! Only Marcus Nyahoe got a credit for that issue (Meg 236) as he hogged the whole letters page. I'm not being mean by not including you - I too was mentioned, alongside Mark Clapham,Chris Horne,James MacKay and "many others". You'll be wanting a credit for the newsagent writing your name accross the top next!

You were lucky to get your 'Ask Tharg' included as the original text of your letter wasn't used. I felt kind as it was the anniversary prog.

Anyone else want to bring their tawdry claims to the crucible of justice that is The Beast?!

Meg 236 - Totally fair on that point.

V4.5 definitely WASN'T me. I though that Dredd story was rubbish.

You were lucky to get your 'Ask Tharg' included as the original text of your letter wasn't used. I felt kind as it was the anniversary prog.


Yes it was! TMO cut it down slightly - removed "Dear " from the beginning, and "Love & hugs," from the end, and didn't print my address, but otherwise it was directly as emailed to him.

1371- can't remember what this one was...
Just checked, it was a simple praising of stories, esp. CabInc.

oh, alright Buttonman, I'll talk just don't take my board away again, sniff, it's Proudfoot T.

aka proudHuff  

Before I look I can remember one of yours off hand - it was about boots and Tharg asked if it was family interest!

Let's look...

Hi Tom! Prog 309 was your moment in the lime light. I always thought you were a chick but that's down to the icon. For the record I don't have a moustache.

That's the one, but I had a (I use the term very loosely) drawing in as well surely that boosts me up the chart?

as for the chick thing, well if its good enough for Joe Pineapples...  ;p

have you ever taken a car to Marlinspike Hall?

HuffTV

I did used to work in insurance and took a troop of folies to South America but that's it!

Your doodle holds no sway with the letters beast.

I've only got one so theres no point.

>INSERT TESTICLES JOKE HERE<

But I'll write again this year and it'll see print, yes it will damn it!

"1309 was the subject of a boarders competition to get a letter printed. I won, my prize was a copy of that prog signed by loads of boarders, so ask them!"

That was the reason I got my first letter printed too! (After the bloody competition had been won of course, thus rendering it utterly pointless.)

"My snitch says you're Ed 'two letters' Berridge.

Eds, Edwards, Edwins, Edmunds, Ednas, Eddies, Edryd and a single Edie amount to a total of 38 letters. Must try harder."

Ah, but if you take into account that I've only ever written in twice, and had both of them published (and one was the 'Star Letter' or whatever they call it), I've got a 100% run rate going for me, and no wickets conceded!

Now tell me who this whistle-blower of yours is, before I have to call in Inspector Knacker over a breach of the Data Protection Act...

"Now tell me who this whistle-blower of yours is..."

You can put me under lock and bolt and I won't tell you.

As for your fanciful 'two for two claim' I have it on some Mighty authority that you write two letters a day, every day.

I did hear you had the honour of getting a letter from Tharg, but only in the form of a restraining order!

"You can put me under lock and bolt and I won't tell you."

You'll end up in chokey like that Yank journalist who wouldn't reveal her source on the leaked name of the CIA agent, you know. You don't want to end up like Lord Levy, do you...?

Seriously, I want that name!

I got a letter from Tharg just last week, actually.

No investigative journalist you!

Letter from Tharg eh? "I don't want to help you reclaim £23 million from a Nigerian bank account" was it?

No, it was the sort of letter I like - the kind that   offers me money.

Now: name names, you bag-piping bashi-bazouk! What would Jolyon Wagg say? Well, other than yet another interminable annecdote about Uncle Anatole, obviously...

You've had all the clues you're getting - or should need!

As for your engagement from Tharg, take care when clearing those gutters. Seriously though good effort, I'll dine out on our friendship when you are rich(er) and famous(er).

The banter that Virgo and me had before he got that Man Thing one-shot, then the messageboard stopped pinging...

My real name is Tiplodocus but if you search for Paul Glasswell you should find me.

What a top service you offer.

Okay Button, here's a question that should pose no problem for you - in the early 1200s (um.. probably no later than 1220?), I seem to remember either Simon Spurrier or Al Ewing had a star letter that was some sort of poem?

If I'm right (and I could have just imagined this) could you tell me which one?

"I'll dine out on our friendship when you are rich(er) and famous(er)."

Now how am I supposed to pay for a meal when I'm six feet under and pushing up the daisies, let alone eat the blasted muck?!

"You've had all the clues you're getting - or should need!"

Wait - there were *clues*?? Any chance of pointing them out to me?

"The banter that Virgo and me had before he got that Man Thing one-shot"

Ah...salad days indeed...

Busy day at the pictures (Illusionist -good, Outlaw-shit) and home to a full days work!

In order, Mr Virgo the great detective, this is for you...

(http://photobucket.com"%20target="_blank)

Lastly I think it was Si and no doubt he'll be on to Crowthorne about his finest work. I don't have the progs handy but it will be in one of these...

M165/V3.62
M168/V3.65
1156
1168
1174
1180
1189
1192
1196
1205
1213


1205 may not be Si but it was signed Judge-Tutor Spurriuous, so it's more than likely!

>1205 may not be Si but it was signed Judge-Tutor Spurriuous, so it's more than likely

The Random Literary Abuse competition we run, yes it was the Spurrier droid when he wasnt even a binary code in the mighty ones eyes.

Little did we know who M. J. R. Smith was or who he would later become.

Prog 1174




Prog 1205

Link: Random Literary Abuse

Excellent - that's more than I thought.  I wonder where all my HERO-CLIX figures are?

I can confidently predict a letters page in next week's prog. Torquemada told me so.

Welcome to the second (and hopefully last) edition of Letters Us Entertain You the best of the whole rash of letters review columns to plague the site in recent weeks.

This edition concerns prog 1529 which I received today (Monday 19/03/07) so no peeking until you have read your own and mused over the varied letter content.

For the second welcome week running the letters page takes itâ??s place in the inside back cover and itâ??s a full roster of five. Tharg has invested his birthday money in a new layout which showcases the letters in boxes, with his replies below. Itâ??s not the prettiest but for functionality it canâ??t be beaten.

Letter of the week goes to Rob Spalding who celebrates his second appearance in 2000ad following a prog 1482 debut. Itâ??s his first star letter and a reasonable effort it is too dealing with the comicâ??s  'anti-hero' stance. Coincidentally itâ??s entitled â??Holding out for a heroâ?? which is the same title as the song I was listening to on my iPod on the bus today. Spooky!

Our old pal James Mackay secures the second berth and equilibrium with his six letters now spanning the Megazine and 2000ad equally. James still awaits the chance to shed his star letter cherry but two on target in 2007 says it canâ??t be far off.

Serial stats botherer Stephen Watson is up next with a typical puff piece, although I felt the tramp/wedding analogy came off quite well. With no Floyd letter this year this earthlet is romping up the inside a mere 40 odd behind.

The Kaiser Rises next with Jonathan Watkiss of Germany getting his second letter in after an absence dating back to Megazine 210 in 2003. Two in five years shows loyalty to the comics if not the keyboard, although granddadâ??s 41 years may mean he simply forgot to write.

Rounding things off is cherry popper Paul Cable of Windsor who makes his debut this week. Dully enough this is the fifth letter from a Windsor reader ever, with only four earthlets being able to claim this distinction. John Crickett holds the high ground with two but hopefully Paul can ascend to the throne in due course.

All in all a good letters page, with only the lack of controversy or insults denying it â??Greatâ?? status.

You're a lovable freak, buttonman, so you are.

Bless you and your new lease of life. The letters page seems to be why you get up in the morning.

Had you always liked letters stats this much, or was it simply borne of compiling the database?

It's got to have a reason otherwise 'pointless waste of time' type comments will be harder to dismiss!

Just wait until the drawings, computer art and readers' profiles sections go live. Then I'll have no time for pornography at all!

As for reasons why it's a good excuse to dig out the old progs for a good root through. It also flexes my great UCDL muscles, skills that, to my knowledge, only me and The Cosh's Dad posess.

I'd like to stress that I wasn't being sarcastic, I'm genuinely in awe of your achievment, in a geeky sorta way.

If nothing else, it's encouraged me to start writing more letters to Tharg, which I didn't realise I'd missed doing until recently.

"it's encouraged me to start writing more letters to Tharg"

Then my work here is done. (but not over)

I never detected a whiff of sarcasm Jimbo your devotion to the cause has been (and is still being) registered.

It's an inspiration to me too. (The Geek leading the geek?).

I've fired off three letters in the last 10 days, two under my real name and one as The Enigmatic Dr X. The only problem, now, is the renewed competition!

Well, I'm waiting for my gift from the birthday issue.

Then, on current form, it's another twenty five years before I write to Tharg. :-)

Butt' man (snigger)

will the two databases be combined or are to be view separately?

pure self interest here,as this would raise me up a level

BumHuff

There will be one booweemoth size database and readers can draw their own conclusion where the plaudits lie. It should be searchable through prog/meg/special/art/letter/profile etc.

The drawings have been done to prog 450 bringing the total entries up to about 8000. That includes a certain 'Middenface McDredd' that blighted Prog 427!

Can anyone state categaorically if Readers' art ever appeared in the Megazine? I don't thinks so but a confirmation would save me hauling them down again. Cheers

any chance of a weekly bulletin (Letters Us Entertain You) on the letters page, as i can't always be arsed to red it - but the precis is pithy, witty and does the job
hurrah!

Thanks Mum, now back in your box!

I can't condone the not reading of the letters page but will answer your plea for more guff in due course.

The masterplan is coming to fruition!

While I don't have this week's prog yet, the postie has delivered a heroclix*. Now I just need to see the letter!

* Translation: Mrs X called to say "someone has sent you a shitey figure with a plastic cape".

After last weekâ??s deluge of fan mail Letters Us Entertain You returns for one final encounter. The campaign has been long and tiresome but the rewards have been reaped. For an unprecedented third week a full letters page has appeared on the inside back cover, and any who say this column hasnâ??t been the driving force are clearly mental or in receipt of the facts.

Thargâ??s Imput legend was a bit askew asking readers to â??Utter your foul opinionsâ?. If the sugar coated missives that follow fall into this category his love notes must have you reaching for the insulin! In truth it was a good letters page with a few familiar faces offering one or two nuggets of interest.

Letter of the Week went to Stuart Grieves and frankly I grieve for the days when more worthy offerings got the top honours! The usual piffle about returning to the fold and â??thrill buffersâ?? made this reviewer groan a familiar â??I know where this is goingâ?¦â?? from the off and he didnâ??t fail to disappoint. To be fair it is his first published letter and to get top billing is no mean feat. The buttering up was almost bearable until the barf-bag reaching comments about Samantha Slade. Câ??mon thereâ??s grovelling and downright barefaced lying!

On more familiar territory we find old Friend Scott Ferguson of â??Scotlandâ??. This area generalising is somewhat annoying ,Tharg for the many, many compilers of letters databases. Itâ??s a big area you know, and the same crime is repeated later on with a reader coming from the small hamlet of, er, Eire! In cases like this I have to employ my finely honed skills to ensure  this is the same terran who has previously domiciled in Glasgow and East Kilbride. After lengthy trawls through  books on syntax, writing styles etc.  Iâ??ve determined that Scott is celebrating his 12th letter in total and stretching his Prog to Megazine lead to 7 - 5. We last saw Scott a scant 3 progs ago in 1527.

Another Cal-Habber next, as Derek Hamill late of â??Whatâ??s it called?â?? Cumbernauld asks a reasonably interesting question about Dredd World spin offs appearing in the weekly. I didnâ??t agree with his reasoning and he was undone by some patchy research - something Tharg lives to jump on. Derek can be forgiven for being somewhat rusty as he was last seen on Prog 2005. He does have an all-Prog history of five letters dating back to Prog 937 in 1995.

Another old stager finishes things off in the shape of Richard Kavanagh. Who presents his 17th entry this issue. All of Richardâ??s works have been to the weekly and date back to Prog 1212 in 2000. This is his first outing proper in 2007 although he did appear in prog 2007 which has a 2006 cover date. His letter is the longest, but  a bit too long in my view. Itâ??s nice heâ??s â??positively encouragedâ?? by the new ABC Warriors storyline, but God knows why he was compelled to tell us about it in such lengthy detail!

With this effort Richard cements his place in the top 5, two behind Database pal Grant Goggins who is fourth. Richard was previously credited with 17 letters but a successful appeal saw â??Roger Kavanagh -e-mailâ?? struck from his score card.

Once again a good but not great Input page. Some judicious editing could rally the number of publishees from this skinny four, and Iâ??d like to see Tharg offer more in the way of pith and wit rather than the perfunctory remarks offered here.

Mr X is outed as Derek 'Del Boy' Hamill, and I'm sorry I wasn't kinder about your letter!

That's the first time in a long time anyone has evey called me skinny.

I dunno. Patchy research? Flawed reasoning? Sounds about right for my work.

Well, I'm still refusing to put pen to paper until old green bonce sends me my gift for the letter he published in the 30th birthday issue. Bah humbug!

You should write in and complain...

Letter prizes normally appear just before or on the same day as the letter appears thus totally ruining the surprise.I'd send a polite e-mail requesting your Heroclix, which are more of a token gesture than a prize but still most welcome.

As this topic has resurfaced again (and not by me!) I can reveal that the pictures/profiles database is up to 900 and requests for issue numbers can now be accepted, although if you want a scan you can bog off!

I wrote a very polite and mildly jokey complaint. Maybe I should have threatened to send Big Dave round? :-)

Just checked back in Prog 268 - I got a £3 postal order back then! Those were the days!

The drawings have now been fully assessed and they number a mighty 2155 between Progs 8 - 986 and a few Sci-Fi specials.

The first drawing was part of a montage of Readers' alien drawings with the nearest to the wall being 'Orgot' by K. Ruthven of Wallington. The last was a photo of a sculpture of Joe Pineapples in 986 although the last actual drawing was 'Dredd's Worst Dread' by James Barry of Cardiff in 977.

Drawing 1000 was a favourite of mine 'Last of the Summer Judges' by Byron Huxley in Prog 366. Drawing 2000 was 'Death Metal Dredd' by M. Burton of Wales in Prog 825 who strangely also had a drawing of the same name in Prog 819.

Apart from the well documented proto-droids there were few familiar board names, although Michael Crouch of Norwich got two in taking his total publication tally to 16 knocking on the Goggans and Kavanagh doors.

With the task now complete the door is open for any queeries. No, not like that.

The database now numbers 9159 entries and includes Readers' profiles. Only 10 years to letter 10,000!

Wasn't there a reader's painting more recent then that? By Jock's nephew, IIRC.

Or is it disqualified for nepotism?

Lets start the 2155 club.

That's an exclusive club, 2155 and the doors are shut. WE, those of us who had a picture printed, should refuse to talk to lesser morals even if they have been reading since prog 1.

Splitter Huff

I forgot the nephew pic but shall make up a rule to disqualify it. He's staff, that'll do.

I was surprised too when they petered out - over 10 years since drawings were a regular. I always liked 'Tharg Major' or 'Strontium Pogs' - it was a 'what's hot' of the day.

Bring 'em back Tharg!

No letters review this week in protest at the blank prog. Tom 'Dot' Cotton got his fifth, Jonathan 'The Cow' Cowie his second and two newbies.

As for Huff's suggestion, I know Nathan 'Oddboy' also claims the double with  his infamous 'Good Company' - any other pretenders out there?

I will be pissed if my latest attempt at letter writing is not printed. My canon fodder revolution must begin!

This just in - Tharg thinks we stink!

No letters in four weeks, just one shy of the boycott that will inevitably follow! I've got a team of journos twiddling their thumbs here!

No letters in four weeks, just one shy of the boycott that will inevitably follow! I've got a team of journos twiddling their thumbs here!

No letter for you or no letters at all?

And how do you know all-seeing letters guru?

You pedantic cycle fans serve only to muddy the waters, meaning the evil alien gets to hoard his Heroclix!

I am all seeing, and the future is bleak. If this pattern continues for another 45 weeks it'll be a whole year with no letters! Is that what you want? Cos that's what you're gonna get!

No letters in the Prog or Meg again this week. I don't think that's ever happened before. It's not me I'm sorry for, it's all disillusioned kids out there who scraped together a funny one liner or a three para treatse on the ABC's only to be let down again.

If I were paranoid I'd say I was single handedly responsible for the demise of all reader content in both comics. As I'm not I'll just say that alien git's been thumbing his nose at us for too long. Revolution!

Ach, the wiley old alien is obviously saving them up for the soon-to-be-legendary 'Input Only Issue'.

Yes, 20 thrill packed pages of readers letters and Tharg's witty retorts and asides, with no distracting  comic strips in the way.

The cover promises to be Pulitzer winning material.

Having had my letter printed in this week's Prog (1537 - Tom Cotton), I was expecting to receive one of those crappy plastic Heroclix figures...however, dopey ol' Tharg didn't send me one.

Figured I'd moan about it in this thread.

Well, weâ??re back! Having now fully retooled after the enforced six week sabbatical we here at Letters Us Entertain You are raring to go. Thankfully our thinly veiled threats and dog poo through the letter box campaign has borne fruit in the shape of a full five finger latte sized letters page.

How did we cope? Well with our friend Mike Cope of course who seized the letter of the week berth with a saccharine loaded missive that  basically squatted down in front of Tharg and undid his jump suit. Of course Mike was right to air his true feelings, but the good people at Travelodge can let you have a room for £39.99 for that sort of thing. Mikeâ??s gushing is understandable seeing as heâ??s been building up his love fluid since his only previous appearance in prog 1380 in 2004.

Colchesterâ??s letter famine, that stretches back to 1997, was finally ended with Steve Outhwaiteâ??s offering that catapults him into second place in the Colchester all time list with , er, one. Long time leader Dave Leonard with two must be sweating though, as he now has a dozen one timers breathing down his neck and hasnâ??t hit the target himself since 1997.

Top â??O the morning to serial scribe Gerard Smith of Ireland who is celebrating his fifth letter - thatâ??s one for each finger unless you lost one to the peat cutter or were born with extra digits. Gerard has had letters in each of the last three years published with his Prog to Megazine ratio an unbalanced 4:1. His letter is a worthy plea for more tits in the comic, at least that was our reading of the subtext.

Tharg went cotton picking next with our old friend Tom Cotton  notching the sixth mark in his bedpost. This is Tomâ??s first Prog appearance of the year although he has had two in the Megazine. Tomâ??s policy of bigging Tharg up has worked well to date although he may be undone by his public lamenting of the lack of a Heroclix this time around. Itâ??s not all about the prizes Tom, itâ??s also about scoring chicks of the back of your clippings!

Last up is â??El Chivoâ?? who debuts here, under this guise at least. The legions of letters fans know a pseudonym is the fast track to letters obscurity as itâ??s impossible to tally efforts under other names. El Chivo is right to hide though, as his blatant self pimping distorts the sanctity of the page. Nice drawings on his site aside, he draws the yellow card for this tacky behaviour!

He does end the long standing Varsity standoff however, with his Cambridge letter ending the impasse that has existed since 2005 when Oxford last registered in prog 1462.

All in all an enjoyable page, albeit one lacking in any real controversy or even strong opinions. The lack of old stagers is also a downer as weâ??re itching to unleash our fully realised  Readers Art database. A tin of Spam for the first reader to get a letter in whoâ??s previously has art published.*


*Terms and conditions apply, prize may be more notional than actual.

i'm currently looking after me old man  so the time of Spam will come in handy, now of the the missive factory!!

Huffski

"Itâ??s not all about the prizes Tom, itâ??s also about scoring chicks of the back of your clippings!"

I guess a few letters in the Galaxy's Greatest can make up for my small...

Just discovered this thread properly. Genius.

As we know Keef, the line between genius and OCD is a mighty thin one.

I noticed your user name is 'The 2000ad Gay' Tom so if you are that way inclined I'm sure your letters will be even more likely to get you some action. Sadly the action will be found in Forbidden Planet and be wearing a faded Dark Knight t-shirt.

"Sadly the action will be found in Forbidden Planet and be wearing a faded Dark Knight t-shirt."

Now you're talking!

My names a bit of a joke really. When it comes to the specimens found in a comic book store give me an overweight goth 'gurl' to a middle aged, Dark Knight t-shirt wearing man who still lives with his parents, any day of the week.

My names a bit of a joke really. When it comes to the specimens found in a comic book store give me an overweight goth 'gurl' to a middle aged, Dark Knight t-shirt wearing man who still lives with his parents, any day of the week.


I think that image has kind of broadened in later years, I've seen many a "hot babe" in Forbidden Planet.

...may return some day.






Well really, one letters page in the last nine progs? If they can't be bothered why should we? Yeah, light fires and wave bits of paper in the air - it's a revolution!

Anyway three in Meg, two newbies and good old reliable Dave 'Bolt' Evans who hits the big number 8 with a session of fence sitting that'll leave him picking splinters for weeks to come.

Only joshing Dave, good job. You can see we're all a bit jaundiced over here at Letters us entertain you when we turn on a soild top 23 preformer!

We may return but are mulling over a spicy meatball offered by Balamory Magazine. They have letters and drawings and montages, er, collages every week!

Don't go! they're all sooooo bloody childish over there, and all thoose bright colours no place for a man with a hangover.

Cyber Matt save him!! Throw him a frickin bone

Toodlerhuff

With one letters page in 10 (TEN!) issues Tharg clearly think he's in UB40.

I am the one in ten
Even though I don`t exist
Nobody knows me
Even though i`m always there
A statistic, a reminder
Of an alien editor who doesn`t care

I've stopped bothering to write so I'm now part of the problem rather than the solution, but treat your friends like shit and you end up with shitty friends.

Hmmm... I'm tempted to go for four refusals in a row with a 100% failure rate. If my luck holds out, I may be inspired and make double figure knockbacks my target!

I'm still writing- it is the best way of getting the Heroclix, though I bet I'll never get a Judge Death!

Surely the best way to get them is to let your son loose in the trade hall at a comic convention..?

If HE wants them, yes, but I don't get a look in that way.

Bolt-01

You would if you stopped feeding him.

One out of eleven, the letters page has become the goalie!

Still there is glimpse of light on the horizon with a nerve centre plea for more letters. 'What a nerve' Centre would be more appropriate as we understand from our correspondants that the letters have been flooding in - and ignored.

"Be included in the 2000ad experience. become part of the prog itself -  let us exchange brainwaves for the benefit of the universe and beyond" (Unless someone stumps up for a full page ad in which case it's 'delete' for you mugs). Says Tharg (the bracketed bit is editorial comment).

Well I'm prepared to take him at his word and as such three - count 'em - 3 letters have been dispatched already from our office covering all the primary classes (fawning, nitpick and funny (!)). Will they be printed? Will anyones? Are they already in pixels being redistrobuted in the ether? Stay tuned to find out. Unless something better turns up which is admitedly unlikely.

Have you thought about having some sort of board competition that involved writing letters? There'd have to be some sort of specific item/word/response that they'd have to mention in order to qualify - first one in wins. You could even have different awards depending if they get into the prog or Meg, what kind of response they elicit from Tharg, that kind of thing. People always seem more willing to make an effort if there's the carrot of a prize dangling in front of them, and maybe if you get them writing letters, after a while it might just become a natural habbit for them.

It's not a game you know! It's a lifestyle choice!

OK I'll bite. The first boarder to get a letter containing the words combine harvester published on the Input readers' letters page of the the prog or cottage cheese in the Dreddlines section of the Megazine will win their choice of 2000ad merchandise from Amazon.co.uk (I've got credit!) to a maximum value of £15.00 including P&P .

Winning entrants must post their claim on this thread to avoid some vegetarian farmer cleaning up unawares. I of course can win and if I do I get the prize.

No correspondence entered into; void where prohibited by law; cash value 0.0001p; terms and conditions available somewhere. 2 prizes of £15 Amazon credit only - no alternatives offered although we could probably bash something out - how about these slippers I got from Egypt? Didn't fit and are really uncomfortable.Offer expires 31st December 2009 or on buttonman's death. The boarder, not the character, stupid. Nerve centre workers or affiliates (looking at you Logan) may not enter unless it's really well done.Buttonman's (the boarder) decision is final but a good arguement can usually sway him.

Cheeky Betelgeusian bampot!  My son's written him at least five times this year and hasn't had a Heroclix yet.  Heck, I just wrote him last week and asked to have a Nerve Centre again.

I'm shooting for the combine harvester prize as well.  It was a little difficult working that in without sounding completely random.  Fingers crossed.

I don't have a prog or meg to hand - what are the two addresses to email to?

Is it input@2000adonline.com and dreddlines@2000adonline.com?

Or not?

I think those are right - and have sent my combine harvester and cottage cheese attempts away at light speed.  Just so there's less danger of repetition, here's what I wrote in each case:

---

Dear Tharg.  I've got a brand new combine harvester, and it's ten times more exciting than Detonator X so nyah boo sucks to you!

---

Dear Editor.  I'd rather eat cottage cheese (ie lumpy spunk) than plough through anymore substandard Smegazines, so nyah boo sucks to you!

---

Of course, they'll both be printed and I'll win.

Rules of Conduct

14. You may not conduct surveys, contests , pyramid schemes, chain letters, junk email, spamming or any duplicative or unsolicited messages (commercial or otherwise).

Looks like my cash is safe!

19. You may not harvest (in an automated manner or otherwise) or otherwise collect personal information about others, including e-mail addresses, or use such information to send unsolicited emails.

Aren't you using spreadsheet voodoo to discover users real names and roughly where they live?



Ach well you had a good innings.

Three whole letters in the Meg and none in the Prog. That's just one letters page since Prog 1530 in the Prog (1537). Six months in and it's been the most barren year on record - and that's official! Who is to blame? Is it us the letters writing masses or some lazy arse who'd rather run an ad for a grumble mag than let his readers have a tiny say. the answer is some lazy arse

Anyway give them their moment in the limelight it's time for...



First up it's just what the doctor ordered with Ashley Beeching making his (her?) fifth appearance, a run stretching back to 1996 and Prog 1008. This outing tips his letters balance in the Meg's favour 3 to 2. The letter is a bit lopsided with moans about filler and The Simping Detective but is rounded off by calling the Megazine 'essential' - can't have it both ways! His plea for more Bendatti Vendetta will hopefully fall on deaf ears given that it was rubbish, but all in all a passable attempt by an old stager.

Next into battle is Pete Thomson of Hastings who scores only the second letter ever to appear in the Meg from that seaside town. The wonderfully named Steev THULIN-HOPPER will be glad of the company I'm sure. Not much to say about Pete's gushing missive but he seems to be pretty content with his lot in any event.

Last up it's Mike 'The Organ' Morgan from good old US of stateside who hits a big touchdown with his second letter following a Meg debut in 256. His letter confused our staff at first as he's drooling over the long finished Devlin Waugh story. On closer inspection his letter concerns Meg 256! Should've used more than a 25 cent stamp Mike! His weak request that the 'mostly good stuff' be maintained seems mental - make it all good!

The three letters published cover 3 different Megs and for us that loses much of the point - who wants to look out their back issues to see what is being prattled on about? In this age of e-mail there is no excuse for not running letters about the previous issue. Unless of course the excuse is we didn't get any letters, in which case fine, thanks for the explanation.

I love this thread. If I could be bothered, I'd write to Tharg too.

To be fair, Tharg might be in need of the revenue that those jazz mags bring in...

Jazz? hmmmm nice.

Grumblehuff

I stopped buying 2000AD in my teens, when sex and drugs and rock n roll distracted me.  I didn't write in then.  I started collecting again at prog 958, and bought pretty regularly up to about 1150ish - in that time I wrote in a few times and had 2, maybe 3 letters published... anyway, I got an enamel badge, a set of postcards, and I'm STILL OWED A BADGE, THARG YOU GREEN GREENIE!!  I've had a couple of letters printed in the Megazine too, and never got any kind of prize for them.

I started collecting yet again about 4 weeks ago, and I've emailed Tharg every week - fruitlessly of course, 2000AD would rather carry shitty ads for crummy paperback novels than print my half-sycophantic half-scathing missives.  Maybe if I just sent Tharg Valentine's cards he'd print the things.  But no, I slag off the stuff I think is shite, and lo and behold nothing sees the light of day.

But no letters at all are getting printed right now, so maybe it isn't a conspiracy against me.  Then again, maybe he's withholding all letters just to make sure I don't slip in using a pseudonym.

Flamin' Betelgeusians... you just can't trust ETs...

>fruitlessly of course, 2000AD would rather carry shitty ads for crummy paperback novels than print my half-sycophantic half-scathing missives

maybe if you included a rather large cheque with your letter then they wouldnt need to run an advert.

Jings, that new arm's put you in a right old grump, you should ask for Mean Machine's old one instead.

Doc Huff

Ha, ha, ha! Shit (Button) man, you've must have some spare time on your hands!!
Can't believe it was 1996 when my first letter was printed! Christ how time flies-the thought made me quite misty eyed!
On the subject of my letter, when in it did I complain about filler aye? If you mis-quote me again, I'll have to set my lawyers on ya! :)

Oh and it's Mr thankyou, at least since the Op anyway!
Dweezil!!!

"perfectly acceptable filler material"

The word 'filler' has negative conotations and you could therefore be cited as moaning.

I have no time at all on my hands - I piss it all away doing guff like this!

A disgruntled nerve centre droid managed to smuggle out a sketch that shows Tharg's rampant disregard for the letters he receieves. Unfortunately the penciled text couldn't scan so we had to use our skill and judgement to relay what the green git was saying.

Thanks go to the unnamed and Pretty Jaded droid who sadly was eaten due to his brave efforts. We shall overcome!

The Nerve Centre's Letters File

Why have you posted a photo of a letterbox?
And why  hasn't Tharg received any of my mail?

a letterbox, its a big green in outside the nerve centre

Dat vas der joke...

i've wrote letters twice,well three times if you count the one in 1979 that didn't get published,both times won letter of the week and used my real name.got a mouse mat and judge fire heroclix thingy and the second time a red razors book.i still have the mouse mat...

Please confirm your name and town mogzilla in order that your claims may be verified.We get a lot of braggers 'round here and we need to maintain standards.

Bump.

Alert! Letters in prog!!

*Sob* Don't have mine! Any combine harverters sighted? Cos I pished the cash away on TPO.

Your groats are safe, Button. A lovely six letters for you to get your teeth into, one of them, funnily enough (from the board's own Grant Groggans) bemoaning the lack of an input page!

The Holmes to your Moriarty, Steve Frame of Caithness, also makes an appearance...

I'm Holmes! Dull Frame of snooker is Mrs Hudson at best.

Actually I'm Watson, but that would only confuse an already weak analogy. That Mycroft Kermode would doubtlessly get something worked out and printed by his boyfriend Tharg.

Yay!  I've got another Heroclix coming!

Yeah yeah Lestrade Goggins, don't forget that I got blackballed so the likes of you can glory in your Heroclix triumphs!

I'll have to protest the "Lestrade" label.  Surely as the only semi-regular American in the letters page, I could be Jim Rockford or Columbo or Philip Marlowe or somebody from California.

What do you mean you got blackballed, though?

Well if my great letters didn't see print it's the only explanation I can come up with.

Now I feel kind of bad since my incredibly silly "please give us back our Input page, Mr. Tharg" actually made it in...

I've still got my fingers crossed on the combine harvester front for next week's issue though.

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Well weâ??re back, and of that there is no doubt. After a letters shortage of biblical proportions Tharg has listened to the common man and unleashed a sextet of scribbles on a hungry nation. Itâ??s always welcome to have the letters on the inside back page, and the selection is varied catering  for both those with short attention spans and those who like to have the arse bored from under them.

The reason for the letter page return is quickly realised in a sickening opening salvo from letters cherry popper Jules Phillips. Itâ??s not his fault; heâ??s twelve and wants a toy but what rankles is the top spot being awarded for a blatant piece of product placement by Tharg. â??Oh by happy chance they are in the shops tomorrowâ?? - we paraphrase but you get the idea.

Of course cynical readers have long spotted the easy publishing route of looking for something that they know that Tharg is pimping and then ask for it. Whether a 12 year old should be reading a magazine that has the word â??shitâ?? and the acronym â??F.U.C.Kâ?? in it is another matter. Still well done Jules and I will strike down with great vengeance and furious anger any who besmirch your achievement.

Simpson eh? New Man? No. Gary Simpson is a 4 letter veteran, all having appeared in the prog. He first appeared on the radar in prog1416 in 2006 and previously appeared in a star letter outing in prog 1486.

Gary says he loves all things zombie, and so he should - he comes from Newcastle! His letter is a pretty dull rundown of his thoughts on various stories with no real insights offered. His final paragraph starts with â??Ohâ?? which to us says he didnâ??t plan the thing from the off (We suggest Letters2000 package) or he had a brain wave late in the day and couldnâ??t be arsed rewriting his memo. Sloppy stuff and we can only hope that Thargâ??s letter title â??Dead Goodâ?? is used in an ironic sense.

Next up is boy from the bogs Brian McTighe who laments the hijacking of Irish culture from his base in County, er, Cheltenham. We quite like the cut of Brianâ??s jib as he goes the well worn route of feigning outrage before a bit of self deprecation. Thargâ??s answer about the Irish having already been lampooned doesnâ??t make a lick of sense as the correspondent was querying the use of the name, a point that goes sadly unanswered.

Brian is the second of todayâ??s new boys  but he does have a McTighe compadre in the form of Richard who debuted in prog 2000. Richard is the real deal coming from the staunch Irish peat fields of, er, Thornton Heath.

Dull old Steve (watching paint dry on a window) Frame is up next  with a four line funny. Itâ??s OK stuff but heâ??s basically just regurgitating the script from the Dredd heâ??s writing about. That said we always like the word â??keechâ?? (shit) being bandied about, so some points there.

This make Steveâ??s  total an unfeasibly high six, although it does dilute his star letter ratio to 50:50. He has one cohort in Caithness, a D.Reay who also has a 50:50 score having achieved the double in 2004. No one in Caithness has ever had a megazine letter printed - still it is almost three quid!

Largest letter of the week award goes to Chris Askham, and if we had to Askham something itâ??d be along the lines of â??where did you get all this mince?â??. Chris takes us down his own personal memory lane and talks some cobblers about â??thrill power exposureâ??. The big girl admits to weeping over Origins - Câ??mon tearful it wasnâ??t that bad - and likes Bob Byrne. A doting billet doux for Tharg but a sick bag for the rest of us.

Chrisâ?? letter is his second, the first having blighted prog 1483 in 2006. He has yet to shed his star letter cherry, like Linton Porteous.

Last up and rightly so is our very own Hipster Dad, Grant Goggans. Grant recently likened himself to the star of â??The Rockford Filesâ?? - surely Wagon Train would be a more appropriate show for him, as band waggoning is clearly his forte. His grovelling plea for a letters page clearly sprung form a long running campaign being waged on the interweb and if he had any sense of decency a Heroclix would be towards Paisley as we speak.

Actually we bear no grudges, and having burned our bridges we are happy to see some cynical git picking up the baton and running with it - right to the Heroclix bank!

Conrats to Grant for being only the fourth Earthlet ever to chalk up 20 letters in a period spanning 1998-2007. Heâ??s only missed out  on years 2000 and 2001 - serving a deuce for plagiarism Hispser?! His lead over Kavanaugh (17) and Crouch (16) increases by one.

All in all an enjoyable letters page but no inroads made in the quest to see a COMBINE HARVESTER roam all over the Nerve Centre. We have also yet to test the drawings beast as no letter writer of recent times can claim a doodle in the dim and distant past. Must try harder!

See you next week. (Unlikely)

Gary Simpson is also one of the contributors back in the day for Class of '79 and I've got a rather nifty Johnny Alpha on horseback that will appear as soon as appropriate in Dogbreath.

Chris Askham is, of course THE Chris Askham of Solar Wind and FutureQuake fame. He is also going to be in the next Dogbreath with a strip featuring the Strontium bitch herself.

Bolt-01

Stop turning this beautiful thread into a seamy tawdry pimp fest!

Don't tell them someone is slagging off their letters. Well done lads, good work.

Well here we are for the final supper of LETTERSUSENTERTAINYOU. The band has been paid and the soup pissed in, so letâ??s get on with the show. A nice flurry of five on the inside back cover always gives us a glow, although some of the topics covered tell us that once again our own efforts have been criminally overlooked. Well weâ??re not here to be rewarded or even read, so letâ??s see what was worthyâ?¦

Kicking off with the star letter is new writer Ben Coulbrook and weâ??re not going to suggest he put a certain something in Scunthorpe, as he clearly didnâ??t. Ben will no doubt be basking in  the glory of a front page splash of the Evening Herald given that heâ??s the first ever person to get a letter published from that fair town. Indeed only Wayne Britcliffe has passed muster before having had his â??Judge Fordâ?? etching printed in Prog 568 in 1988.

Itâ??s Kellyâ??s eye, number, er, two for Michael Kelly who seems to have fallen out with his boyfriend Tharg! Michael had three letters in prior to this one and they were all letters of the week!. Still heâ??ll be glad to get in with this forgettable effort - enclose more plastic cups next time!

Kavanagh QC is up next and itâ??s clear the â??QCâ?? doesnâ??t stand for â??Quality Controlâ?? if this effort is the standard offered. Richard lives on Bizarro world where Greysuit trumps Defoe and the long trailed Buttonman 4 completely passed him by. Still this old stager with his 18th letter knows itâ??s Heroclix gold to ask Tharg about a soon to be published strip. Richard debuted in Prog 1197 with a star letter outing back in 2000.

Serial stats bother Dave Evans hasnâ??t lost his Edge (see what I did there?) with his 9th letter in 5 years. A fledgling offering in Prog 1316 in 2002 has blossomed into a fully fledged Heroclix whoring session. Dave likes Defoe and PJ and well pretty much everything. Still we wouldnâ??t buy it if it sucked, would we?

Finally we get a troublesome offering from the commonly named Mark Hunter. The letters beast  has â??Mark Huntersâ?? from Durham (2), Oxford, Warrington (2) and e-mail so his score is at least two but maybe as many as six. To be on the safe side his official tally is one. Markâ??s letter is a roller coaster of will he wonâ??t he? With a happy ending. Heâ??s one of Bob Byrneâ??s few pals and the gushing tone left us a bit nauseated. Still that could be down to the soup.

To be honest this page left us a bit flat - every letter is just a summary of the stories and a big thumbs up. No wit or insight just a lot of jumpsuit slapping and toys all round. Still better than the desert days of spring 2007!

Button- I love reading these. PLEASE don't leave it there. I'll try harder to think of someting to wind Tharg up.

Bolt-01 (Dead surprised to see my letter, cause there was no click waiting as well)

Well that was a short break. After bowing out to unprecedented public acclaim (thanks Dave!) the bloody lawyers appeared and it seems that as itâ??s also Megazine week that one further edition is required. Cleary being the professionals that we are the content will be of itâ??s usual high standard, with puns, typos and unsubstantiated gossip all present and correct.

Then we read the page!

In all actuality this is what we are here for: moans, abuse and an editorial broadside against one of our own!

Things kick off in lamentable fashion with a writer having a bit of feedback. Frankly Alec Worley needs to develop a thicker skin if the minor quibbles raised by Manny Lange are enough to get his heckles up! We donâ??t consider that the letters page is the correct forum for such petty nit picking and given that Alec has no history as a readersâ?? letter writer heâ??s got a cheek coming on here once heâ??s joined the staff. He gives his address as the fanciful â??Narniaâ?? presumably to deter his legion of fans from setting up camp in his garden!

There is better stuff next as Keith â??Cliffâ?? Thorburn from sunny Glasgow steps up to the bat for his 7th outing. He has a 4:3 Prog/Meg ratio with two star letters to his credit. Keithâ??s letter starts well with a welcome attack on the Satanus debacle but he quickly retreats to  obsequious fawning with a gushing finale thatâ??s less palatable than a Satanus double feature. Stick to your guns Keith, itâ??s not as if the editor will answer with a load of vitriol. That hardly ever happens.

The â??turd in the water tankâ?? award for rubbish letter of the week goes to former letter writer Richard â??Dickieâ?? Roberts of Wales, England. This letter is hopefully a cynical attempt to gain a graphic novel because if itâ??s from the heart the white van should be sent now. Dickie is a big fan of â??The Dredd Filesâ??, the movie reviews and the small press features - basically if itâ??s universally loathed Dickieâ??s your man. Iâ??m surprised they edited out his request for some Blood of Satanus 3 merchandise!

Still itâ??s opinions that matter and Dickie certainly has a few of those. This could be his debut outing but we do have two previous â??Richard Robertsâ?? form â??e-mailâ?? in M235 and â??Glamorganâ?? in Meg 229. If Richard would like to argue his case the many lettersusentertainyou message boards are always open for business.

A good outing gets stratospheric in the last page when our own Linton Porteous from Beanotown gets it in the neck from editor Matt Smith. Linton has the right idea of moaning from the off and not getting sidetracked into a few empty platitudes. He pays his £2.95 (Unless he steals it or reads it in the shop - in which case Bad Linton!) so he can say what he feels. He does undermine himself by asking a question about the commissioned stuff and then answering it himself, but overall he makes valid points that he tries to justify.

The response, to our mind, from the editor is a bit unprofessional. Rather that address the points made he simply outs Linton as a serial moaner which is fair enough. Linton is however a veteran of 26 letters and youâ??d hope that an active and loyal reader deserves a bit better than the â??ya boo sucksâ?? reply he elicits here.

Iâ??m never going to get a letter printed ever again!

Lintonâ??s letter is his first of 2007 and given that Floyd hasnâ??t troubled the scorers this year, you have to wonder if the old stagers have had their day. Linton famously has never had a star letter in all his outings but he wins ours here, not so much for his musings but for the response they generated. Well done Linton - see you in the pariahsâ?? section!

paul armer,preston.once in the middle of the incubus story and the last time was 2 years ish ago .two words "judge tigger" .i thankyou sir!

this thread is crazy, entertaining but crazy.  Keep it up Buttonman.

CU radbacker

Thank you for your notable quotable Radbacker, CU in the bar!

As for 'Paul Armer' what a great name - sends up matches with 'Farmer' and the wonderfully named 'Simon Harmer' who had a brace in 377(letter) and 613 (Drawing : Judge Smiley)

Anyway, Paul Armer, two showing both from 'Lancs.' which covers Preson so we can accept your testimony. 1334 & 1457 are your numbers and  both Letters of the Week! Sir, colour me impressed!

I agree entirely with your review of my letter, on reading it in print myself I felt I had fallen short of my goal. Sounded like more of a whingefest than intended and the compliments on the art I liked was included mainly to emphasize my dislike of Satanus. However the result was a letter uneven in tone and lacking in all departments. The graphic novel was nice, but pales in comparison to being a part of the latest Letters Us Entertain You installment. My bosom is swollen with pride.

Very gracious of you Keef (Keith I take it?).Hopefully you'll be at the Glasgow Christmas booze fest to fight your corner further. Sadly I don't provide graphic novels, only THE TRUTH!

The truth is worth a dozen graphic novels. Although this graphic novel was Savage, which made my day so is worth about one and a half truths. Booze fest ahoy.

Great name?you are mad sir,it is a name that you have to spell EVERY timeto people and they still get it wrong ,i've been "ahmed" and the best one was on my honeymoon,we were booked in as mr and mrs "amour" they thought we were a posh mr and mrs smith...jarvis ellersley in edinburgh,recommend it.

I'd say it's 'Armer' as in 'Farmer' before they asked.

I'm Stephen and people always say 'is that a PH?' So I say 'It's Stephen - PH as in pretty handsome'. Luckily it's true!

Top, top quality thread.

My only success was the gushing embarrassment in the 2007 prog, star letter.

But I don't care, I got a Judge Fire Heroclix and a Halo Jones graphic novel. Not forgetting the personnaly signed (by the tea lady) letter from Tharg.

This thread has taken the best part of the day to read.

Pure gold.

Thank you from all thread contributers for your kind words.They said that if you scribble it they will come, and they were largely correct, for once!

It's nice that the thread made a Crossman into a happyman!

Get your crayons sharpened, there's Heroclix in tham thar letters.

funnily enough,got "farmer" yesterday.

"I got a Judge Fire Heroclix"

So did I, and then another. And another. And another. And guess what? Yep, another.

Was there a fire sale of these wee things and Tharg's trying to shift them or what?

Ungrateful old curmugeon that I am, I'd have liked something different please.

There, that's my card marked for all time.

Anybody want to give a good home to three Judge Fires, a Torquemada and a Judge Fear?

Since they've been left abandoned down the side of the sofa these poor wee mass murdering law breakers have been in need of some TLC.

Available for the unbeatable price of nothing.  If you want em, post it here, first come first served.  

Fire is definitely the most popular prize and regretably the rubbishest too.

What's your real name Dounreay? People come 'round here all the time claiming 5 plus letters let the verication (and nice introductions!) begin!

::"The first boarder to get a letter containing the words  combine harvester  published on the Input readers' letters page..."

And done.  :)

Bloody hell, no prog and a Dundonian pickpocket! Please upload a scan of the alleged winning entry or alternatively wait for the Paisley Reds to get off their arses and deliver some post!

Please provide your reactions in the meantime to your mauling in the Megazine. No chance of a 'Cottage Cheese' double there methinks!

My cottage cheese was edited out of my Meg letter (and, to be fair, forced into it in the first place).  

I'm not sure that counted as a mauling - a long period of (overall) substandard Meg quality accounts for my consistency of mood.  If one looks back further in time (not that anyone should bother) my letters are more positive (if memory serves).  

He's only a pretend Dundonian. He's not local!

I wrote to Tharg last week for only the second time I can remember. I've not been reading this thread, due to its unbelievable size, and now it seems I've been missing a chance at daft contests.

I think I may write to Tharg and demand an end to the letters page. The built-in irony will cause the letters droid to explode!

- Trout

It's not that big! Scojo's 'Dredd is a social worker' thread is twice the size and only two weeks old. This is 8 months of graduated nonsense.

I'm sure Tharg would enjoy the irony of a letter asking for no more letters.Do it!

Top job Linton :)

I have to say, knowing that I may be subject to Button's merciless reviews has been making me put a lot more thought and effort into the few letters I've drafted since this epic project began, rather than rattling off any old embarassing tosh like I used to do (I was young, and foolish, and desired free stuff).

You're raising the bar for all of us, Buttonman!

I'd prefer 'firm but fair' to merciless but if a climate of fear increases the quality I'm all for it.

Linton will be duly crowned upon recipt of my prog which is presently fueling the braziers of the striking posties of Paisley. I'd buy a copy from the shops but I have to save up for some rashly offered prizes!

Post strikes should be the catalyst that bring about the digital prog, free for subscribers to download and 50p for the rabble.

I don't need a rashly offered prize - the (self-proclaimed) prestige is enough.

"I don't need a rashly offered prize "

If we needed confirmation that you are not a native Dundonian there it is!

Sadly the prize must be awarded to preserve the integrity of the contest. If you PM me your e-mail I'll arrange an Amazon voucher once the claim is verified! You will then have to agree to various promotions and press conferences as not stated in the original T&C.

"What's your real name Dounreay?"

After all the...err...interesting things you said about me in your (it has to be grudgingly admitted) excellent letters review column, now you want names and verification!

Ach, you're a hard man to please.    

He has one cohort in Caithness, a D.Reay who also has a 50:50 score

Hmmm Dounreay-D.Reay are you Steve 'He's in the' Frame of Caithness fame? Are you also D.Reay?

You need to be a Rebus/Taggart/Morse hybrid in the letters game and that just covers the drinking.

Curse you Buttonman!

My homespun country bumpkin deceptions are no match for your big city wiles and icy forensic mind.

Having just spent the last two hours up to my elbows in keech clearing a blocked drain and getting eaten by midges, I come in to find I've been collared.

It's a fair cop gov, I am D.Reay but society's to blame.

As for Steve 'Devilishly handsome, charming, witty, debonair, modest, the toast of the dizzying Caithness society scene' Frame, let us just say my graphic novel collection is coming along nicely.

         

Your open confession of pass misdeeds is welcome but alas the Rigellian hotshot is doubtless getting dried off as we speak.

We have no scruples at the letters beast so your score is eight with a decent 4:4 star letter/non star letter ratio.

Your Reay persona has been inactive for sometime but it may be a challenge to get two letters in one prog, one under an assumed nose.

Yes, false names that'll get me back on track...

A challenge indeed but you'd have about as much chance as a tissue paper dog chasing an asbestos cat through Hell, given the scandalous lack of letters pages this past few months.

I wonder how much Tharg charges for advertising space? It would be neat if we all chipped in and bought a page worths and printed our own bloody letters page.

I'm willing to supply the Heroclix as prizes!

It would be neat if we all chipped in and bought a page

...and put a monkey in a hat on it!

How much would it be? Somebody call them for the rates!

- Trout

What a funkadelic idea.

We pay for a page that we make look just like an old-time letter page and put some of the art comp entries on it too.

Then we can sit back while the real letter writers jump up and down about the rampant nostalgia going on and how we need to move with the times.

I wonder how much it 'would' cost though...

Bolt-01

Or one of those letters which appear in the broadsheets occasionally signed by the great and the good(that's all of us this time)calling on thargy to end the letters page! or go back to B&W printing on toilet paper or somesuch hockem

AddledHuff (1 letter 1 drawing) Rtd.

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Next up is Alex Frith who has slipped in under the radar somewhat chalking up his 11th letter this prog. We blame his name which we seem compelled to write â??Firthâ??. An exhaustive search of the database found several mislabelled entries but, rest assured Alex, all has been fixed with the letter input minion being soundly thrashed. Alexâ??s letter is a â??funny four linerâ?? which offers mild amusement and a stinging rebuke from Tharg. Although not immediately apparent he clearly calls you a â??whannkâ?? in his reply. Outrageous!

Alexâ??s letter have appeared regularly since his first in Prog 1283 in 2002 with 2005 being his only blank year - too busy whannking to get one in then? We think not. Alex has one star letter to his name which is one more than Linton Porteous.

If you were to come up with a character for a new Sir Walter Scott book you could do worse than Richard Jamieson from Morayshire. â??Richard Jamieson poured himself a healthy measure of â??The Lairdâ??s Varnish Removerâ?? and sat down at his typewriterâ?¦â?

Richardâ??s letter highlights a gaping error in Cal-Hab continuity and one that Tharg fails to explain. Well done Richard - it needed saying and at least you didnâ??t end with a  justification and valediction to let Tharg off the hook. Oh wait you did.
Richard has a total of five entries on the letters beast. Well probably - Richard Jamiesons have hailed from Moray, e-mail, Scotland and Morayshire (2). Given the consistent approach of nit- pick fawn, fawn, nit-pick we are happy to credit him with all five.

Failing to avoid his mauling by declaring â??Diplomeetic imoonityâ?? we welcome the only overseas guest to our party, John Downie of South Africa . This is Johnâ??s first offering and frankly it shows. It follows the basic parameters of the standard lost then found dilemma, with a happy outcome. He does try to show how the maturing comic has caused him to regress to a kid like state but frankly, Joss Acklandâ??s accent was more believable.

Johnâ??s letter does continue  a tradition of South African letters with a total of 26 and one drawing having appeared. With no sanctions in play by Tharg the blind eye turner, letters have appeared since Prog 102 in 1979. Only one Boer has had two, that being the famed N.Lapidaries who chalked up his double in quick time between Progs 857-894.


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Linton â??Travel Tavernâ?? Porteous narrows his Meg to prog ratio to 15 to 12 and has the glory of appearing in both publications at the same time.

We were impressed with this letters page and despite a couple of clinkers there was enough to keep us happy. The ratio of new to old writers makes us wonder if Tharg has his own bootleg version of the beast? Who cares, good stuff keep it coming. Please.

You're a LUNATIC.

Fun stuff! I can't believe I neglected this thread!

Thanks for several 'tea on keyboard' moments there. :-)

APPLAUSE.

This thread is wonderful.

Bolt-01

Fucking Ace.

Getting a letter published and my name on this thread has now overtaken my all-time dream*




*to have a threesome in space with Cindy Crawford and Naomi Campbell.

Thank you gents, much appreciated. Good therapy if nothing else!

And Satanist in the unlikely event that you get offered your 3 way space orgy, please, please take it. As if you need telling!

I have a sick confession to make.  I've never written to Tharg (that I can remember), but this thread has inspired me to do so - not for the potential honour of appearing the the Galaxy's Greatest, but for a chance at the glory of being reviewed here!  I'm going to study buttonman's teachings and pitch for a dead cert.  

Well done, buttonman, your insanity is a beacon in the darkness.

I can confirm that 'Moray' and 'Morayshire' are the same place. We dropped the 'shire' bit years ago- a blatant continuity error on Richard's part. Looks like he's hijacked my share of Moravian letters too!

Well done and Kudos to Linton (AKA Funt Solo) who chose to donate his £15 prize to Cancer Research UK.



This sort of worthy behaviour is a stranger 'round this thread and can't be tolerated. The cottage cheese winner will take their prize or I'll send them a copy of David Dickinson's book instead!

This is a top thread.

Letter writing is a risky business. Not only is there the gut-churning tension of not knowing if it will be published, but then there is the exam-result fear as you look on this thread for a review.

Buttonman, I salute you!

Satanist, sometime soon...

Ahoy-hoy Gentlemen, itâ??s refreshing to return to your exalted company. As you are aware we have been unable to publish for several weeks as the dreadful LETTERSUSENTERTAINYOU had usurped us from our rightful position as the third best Readersâ?? letters review column.  Fortunately one of our regular subscribers, Rupert Murdoch, managed to buy out their publishing house, Fandan Press, by cleverly paying $5 billion for their parent, The Wall Street Journal. Thank you for that Rupert, you may be new money but one day we may let you in at the country club (no weekends).

So no longer will you have to endure smutty innuendoes based on readersâ?? names or domiciles, nor shall any references be made to the comedian Alexander Sayle. Our regular readers will testify that we print only factual and statistical data pertaining to the construct and content of the missive and the grammar and eloquence of the writer. We may make reference to their education, class, family ties and ethnicity, but only when it pertains to the case in point. Unless theyâ??re Welsh. They can fuck right off.

Well, let us commence. Sadly this entry is somewhat delayed due the scabrous postmenâ??s strike. These radical nut jobs delayed my Horse and Hound by three days! Their â??Christmas boxâ?? will be an Asperyâ??s thimble carrier this year!

First to the crease in the â??Letter of the Weekâ?? berth is a veritable begging letter from seven time scribe Iain Purdie. Iain waxes on about the poor disadvantaged youth of Vietnam not once considering the fact that  they totally arsed up the stitching on my new riding boots. His claim of â??reading 2000ad for longer than I can rememberâ? is shorn up by his first letter which appeared in 1995. This letter is his first since Prog 1433 in 2005 so it looks like he only writes when he wants something. Still it sounds a worthy cause so Iâ??ll allow myself to feel a touch guilty when I ignore his plea. Haw haw haw!

The next rubber is courtesy of Derek Hamill of (ugh!) Glasgow. Derek  hides behind the moniker of â??The Enigmatic Doctor Xâ?? and frankly having met him I must divulge that heâ??s as enigmatic as a puddle of sick. Iâ??m not even convinced that heâ??s a fully qualified G.P. I do recall that Derek likes his pizzas with extra chillies - well itâ??s sad to see that none of that spiciness has transferred to his insipid entry!

Derek has a claim to six letters  dating from 1995 some of which are recorded as being from â??Cumbernauldâ??. Iâ??m sure that must have been a typing error, surly Tharg was never  that desperate! Derekâ??s letter reeks of class, with references to â??crevicesâ?? and â??fartsâ?? liberally sprinkled around. His plea for Dredd to be dumbed down to a level of a Glasgow Poly student is brutally discarded by a clearly hacked off Tharg. Good man!

This is more like it! The eloquently named Piran Lynn-Smith adds a bit of much needed class to proceedings with a marvellously obsequious letter that stops just short of orgasm. Piran has managed to take the exact path that allows all the nit pickers and fact checkers to be ignored to proclaim that â??Originsâ?? was in fact great and Dredd has had his social worker credentials from the start. You just have to examine and make up the evidence, and there you are.

Piran is a man of few letters with this being his second after a star letter debut in Prog 1427 in 2005. Wiltshire has a long tradition of publication with Dave (David surely) Spedding first taking the honours in 1978 with his famous â??UK1 Space Stationâ?? which now hangs in the Tate modern.

Last  and indeed least is Kelvin Green of Brighton, where we once went in our vintage car. Did you know that if Hitler had successfully invaded Britain, that the Brighton Pavilion was to be his base? Our kind of town. Kelvin may be this editionâ??s only new blood but maybe not. â??Kelvin Greensâ?? have appeared on three other occasions and all from different towns namely Norwich (Prog 1313 in 2002), Swansea (Prog 1341 in 2003), E-Mail (Prog 1493 in 2006 and this one.  Given itâ??s a frightfully common name it could be four people or it may be that Kelvin is  a gipsy! Well I suppose they did do a decent job tar-mac-ing the servantsâ?? driveway.

Kelvinâ??s letter is a poorly constructed ramble that Tharg has clearly printed in order to promote the next issueâ??s offerings. Starting sentences with â??Butâ?? and referring to content as â??stuffâ?? the man clearly learned his craft at one of the lesser Oxbridge collages. Or the Brighton  College of Technology.

We enjoyed this weeks letters page with itâ??s emphasis more focused on the opinions and debate side of things rather than the perfunctory like it / hate it bores. The longer letters meant that only four appeared but if that the price of better content weâ??re all for it. The page was somewhat buried in the middle of the magazine but we understand this was to hinder the many people who read the letters in the train station shop and then wander off.

Toodle-Pip!

Good to see you picked up on Dr X and his false  social climbing. Unless hes moved.erm.

TTFN

Just seen this.  Congrats, Linton!!

Yeah yeah, well done  Linton. Here is my, sadly unpublished, entry and yes it would have qualified for the prize!

Hi Tharg,

You've been kind to us in recent months, unleashing a whole raft of new characters and stories and it set me wondering - who all exist in the same universe?

Unlike your American counterparts your characters have always existed in isolation, with only occasional crossovers permitted. We know that Dredd and Alpha have the same time stream if not the same time zone and Rogue only appeared in Mega City due to some handy dimension warping.

The 'Millsverse' that includes the ABC Warriors and Bill Savage hasn't been overly exploited but what about the contemporary strips that presently entertain us? There are suggestions that 'Red Seas' and 'Stickleback' share the same world but are there any other strips that you plan to combine?

Crossovers should never be the norm but the occasional meeting can be fun - how about Lobster Random having a go with Detonator X? Or Greysuit taking on the Buttonman. You have a veritable Harvester menu of delights to choose from and I for one would like to see some team-up action in the near future.

Bah, buttonman!  Not only do you attempt to finagle your own prize by splitting up the words "combine" and "harvester", but you also claim the Rogue crossover was dimension warping, when the story explicitly states that the Southers used a time device.

I almost feel moved to write a letter of complaint to Letters Us Entertain You, the Letters Review Column.  I feel sure I would win the Star Letter award.

Time, according to Einstein, is the fourth dimension.I'll go with him, thanks very much!

As for readers' letters within a letters review column, don't you think people have suffered enough?

Was thinking about writer profiles though...

Well weâ??re back. Through default maybe, but if every other letter review page gets invited to Thargâ??s wedding and we donâ??t, weâ??re hardly likely to miss an opportunity. So the tossers at READLETTERDAZE can enjoy their Crème de Plastic Cup Frappes, weâ??ll get on with the real work.

Not much to say really, with a barren Prog and a skinny three in the Megazine, still there are some real gems there, so letâ??s focus on the quality not the quantity.

Uncle Samâ??s man Mike â??The Organâ?? Morgan steps up to the plate and hits a quick foul ball into the bleachers. Mike has three strikes to his name, all in the Megazine and appearing in short order - Megs 256,260 and 262.

We started off a bit ambivalent to Mikeâ??s letter as he finds the small press â??a delightâ?? - week old Birdâ??s Angel delight maybe. He quickly redeems himself however with a blushing tribute to the good old letters page. Good man Mike consider yourself â??A man of letters (pages)â??. Mike follows up his unstructured ramble with a funny analysis of all things Mean Machine and the heaps unlikely praise on the Horror Comics feature. To our mind the only Virgo worth a look is the John variety doing his snooker impressions.

Next up is the real â??Prime Beefâ??. Letters droidâ??s words not mine. Serial scribe Stephen Watson of Paisley notches up his 48th appearance and his fourth of 2007. His Prog/Meg  differential is reinstated to two with this offering giving the Prog a lessened 25/23 advantage.

The letter itself is somewhat disappointing with the first half structured solely, it would appear, to include the words â??Cottage Cheeseâ??. This weasely attempt, although successful , (game over, read the rules!) to finagle the prize is all well and good but it does leave this reader feeling somewhat used and dirty. The moving buildings sequence brought a slight grim but the finale is plain, good old fashioned, suck up.

Last up is the most foreign sounding man in Christendom, Pierre Caspersz. Pierre is making his debut this week and I hope no one takes advantage and steals his bike covered with onions. He is the first ever â??Pierreâ?? to appear as a first name but of course we all remember Dorian Pierre of London from Prog 212 in 1981. We have also had Andrew St Pierre who produced the elegant â??The Gladen Handâ?? in Prog 199.

Pierreâ??s letter is a well meaning tribute to Massimo Bellardinelli, but is seems somewhat out of place here. Massimoâ??s only credit in the Megazine is his obituary and clearly this is a letter that should have appeared where most of his work did in 2000ad. Of course the letter is a response to the Obituary, which itself should have been in the weekly, but we feel Massimoâ??s House of Tharg home is 2000ad and it is there that this letter belongs.

That said the letter is heart felt and well intentioned and not moaning about much , which makes a change.

A good outing for â??the friend of the letter writersâ?? Megazine who rarely misses the chance to immortalise its loyal readers or fill a page - you choose.

You mad fool! I can't wait for them to take off your tagging anklette, end your curfew and lift your ASBO so you can get out more and annoy 'the Buddies' and not the board ;p

PC Ploddhuff

Et tu Proudfoot? Alas the message behind the winking emoticon is all too clear!

Not to worry, I appreciate the joke (if there ever was one!) is wearing a bit thin and this tenth episode seems a fitting place to finish. Just enough for a TPB, you see?

The letters beast will be maintained and I'll keep you appraised of any interesting curios it throws up. The ten thousand'th readers' input item is a scant five years away as is Funt Solo's first letter of the week.

Please don't see this as a bid for reassurance, we've had some fun, well possibly, and I need to spend some more time with the ailing Blackie-the-Cat.

Maybe a monthly digest, and that's yer lot. With weekly updates naturally. Hello?...

No! NO! Twas jest, you can't cruelly kick away this fine support for those boarders who enjoy the finer things in life, you've brought the letters page back single handed, old Green pus should give you a Krill Tro Thargo or at least a selection of his finest plastic cups!

Huffy

Don't stop the madness here!  I love this thread more than chocolate.

I agree with those two idiots!
You're harsh but fair reviews of the letters page is a highlight of my otherwise empty shell of a 'life'!

are a highlight, obviously...

Dear Letters Us Entertain You,

I've heard a startling rumour that Letters Us Entertain You (The Letters Review Column) is going to close down operations - with little or no warning!  I haven't spent my hard earned cash paying  a ten-year subscription to your free online service only to...uhm...well, I just haven't.  At all.

I look forward to hearing that this news was nothing but Internet gossip and that you'll be running another hilarious silly phrase publication competition soon.  (That's "hilarious" as in, I laughed at the amount of your money you had to spend on the endeavour.)

I would also like to see far more statistics on your column.  Yes, that's right - statistics - etched into your column for all to see!  Tharg doesn't utilise statistics to promote his mighty organ, so clearly there's a huge gap to be filled - and I think you're the one to fill Tharg's gap.

Kind regards,

Hilary Flotsam

It's like when Striker folded all over again.

Don't stop! Never has one man done so much for so few.

Besides, given the frequency of the Input page you're setting yourself up for a monthly gig anyway

We'll have to bombard you with e-mails asking you to reconsider, I'm waiting to see if I've been spurned by greenbonce once again-and if he hasn't added to my tally of ignored letters, then I at least have to get the satisfaction of being ridiculed here. This is one of the threads I continually monitor for new posts.

Say it's not so!

Getting a mention in the letters review column is the only interesting thing I have to tell people about myself!  

Say it's not so!

Getting a mention in the letters review column is the only interesting thing I have to tell people about myself!  

Get out more Dounreay!

Thanks for the feedback - I know it's not to everyones taste, and indeed if someone else was shoe-horning a niche column into the board I'd be wary. But until the banner reads 'tiresome' or 'outstayed its welcome' your weekly dose of rambling is assured. Tharg permitting of course.

DOn't be so bloomin' stupid. It's one thread and it's self contained. If anyone doesn't like it then they don't have to look. It's a hell of a lot more relevant (though not nearly as easy on the eye) as the "underware" thread, for example and I, for one, have no objection to that!

Seriously, a thread about letters in 2000ad on the official site? Where's the problem?

Striker's folded!!? should I write to tharg?

Am I am the first to have letters in consecutive Inputs? (this week and two weeks ago, with no letters in the intervening prog)

Well weâ??re back and this time itâ??s with a mandate from the masses. Yes, after a carefully calculated â??we quitâ?? comment, the troops rallied and a colossal seven votes of confidence were lodged. To put that fantastic amount into perspective that equates to almost 5% of the board regulars. If thatâ??s not a  majority, we donâ??t know what is. Still that could be down to the cat puking over the dictionary.

If itâ??s portents of wonder you seek, then look no further than the cracking full back page of letters that Tharg has brought back from his honeymoon. His nad sack may be empty but his zest for letters is clearly overflowing. A quick scan reveals that four of the writers are regular boarders. We are not ones to easily claim credit, but itâ??s pretty apparent that this column is wholly responsible for Thargâ??s entire inbox. That other bloke was probably made up or something.

Manoeuvring into the Letter of the Week berth is old friend James MacKay of Cyprus, who celebrates his seventh letter with his first top billing. Seven may be generous as a â??James Mackayâ?? of Somerset claimed the honours in Megazine 253. Did James have a stopover in Cider Town before heading to Fig Tree Bay? Perhaps he will stop by to plead his case.

The letter itself is a bit self congratulatory for our tastes. It screams â??look where I went my holidays, losersâ??, and feebly tries to justify the bragging with the tired old â??spreading thrill powerâ?? gubbins. Now weâ??ve watched nearly all of Ray Mearsâ?? output and  there was hardly a moment devoted to the Mongolian Nomadsâ?? critical lack of comics. Seemingly they are more concerned with food, shelter and shit. Which they use on their crops.

Our all seeing eye caught the exchangeâ?¦

Mac-Attack : Whoo far out, look at my comic peasants!
Noble Tribes People : (From the Mongolian) For fucks sake, humour these twats so theyâ??ll buy our raffia work and piss off.
Mac-Attack : Whoo, they love the comic and want to keep it!
Noble Tribes People  : Kaatan, use this to wipe up the yak shit.

Next to the party is Grant Goggans whoâ??s 21 today. No, not 21 stone (although he is from America) itâ??s his 21st letter, all of which have appeared in the Prog. Grantâ??s stats have been done to death so letâ??s just say he started out in 1998 in Prog 1114 and has a total of two star letter to his name.

The headline given of â??Make Room, Make Roomâ?? made me Soylent green in the face, as to marry great sci-fi writing with this bobbins is a travesty too far. Sounding like Bill & Ted, Grant goes onto full on â??Awesomeâ?? mode loving everything like itâ??s free ecstasy day at Glastonbury. He says he likes â??Grey Suitâ?? - we had more fun looking at the suits in Burtonâ??s window! The letter ping-pongs about like a thought in George W.â??s head and frankly we fail to see the point of it all. Still Grant did help out on the 1.0 version of the letters beast so weâ??re inclined to go easy on him.

But we wonâ??t, that was crap.

The only new blood on the page come from Tris Fitzgerald. Iâ??m pretty sure â??Trisâ?? has shortened his name so we donâ??t all assume heâ??s that kid with the big spex off â??George and Mildredâ??. Anyway Tristrum has a pal and his pal is called Pat. He doesnâ??t like people who slag Pat off on internet forums, which says to us that heâ??s a sneaky lurker who runs to Tharg to tell tales. His great argument that Pat hasnâ??t lost it, really holds water as he cites Ro-Busters and DeFoe - stories a mere 30 odd years apart!

He says that to criticise Pat is â??churlishâ?? yet only one line before accepts that Pat has fired the odd â??damp squibâ??. Hypocrite or mental incapable of creating a cogent argument? All we can say that criticism of Tristram Formyle can in no way be seen as churlish. â??Correct and appropriateâ?? will suffice.
This is the fifth letter from a Fitzgerald none of whom have repeated the feat. King of the Tristrams is of course Tristram Louth who sits on a mighty ten, having last been seen in prog 1398 in 2004. He would have written more but Mr Roper stole his pen to do a bookies line.

Hells Bells, itâ??s Pete Wells. Pete finally gets his third letter published with this being his prog debut. He had two in Megazines 37 and 103 in 1992/95. We are not clear what has brought  Pete back to the fold but we are happy to consider parole, itâ??s a different bloke and â??Cuddent fink of anyfing to rightâ?? as answers.

The letter is, sadly, not worth the wait. Pete engaged on a flight of fancy that involves Nerve Centre larceny which frankly would have been better received at Beano Towers. His gushing â??canâ??t wait til Christmasâ?? sounds like a five year old craving a robo-sapien, and we donâ??t doubt that all seasoned letters readers shifted uneasily in their chairs as the whimsy petered out. He wisely mentions the â??now available in the shopsâ?? Thrill-Power Overload which is of course the reason the letter saw light in the first place. Good to see you back Pete, but next time try and shovel in some â??thrill buffersâ?? and â??Zragian newsagentsâ?? to complete the torture set.

Last up and rightly so is Derek Hamill, late of Cumbernauld and presently residing in the destroyed Glasgow of Cabs Inc fame. We fucking hate readersâ?? poetry, with itâ??s weak rhymes and pathetic structure. We also hate the way editors try to outdo the reader by printing their own poem. At least Tharg sidestepped this banana skin, choosing instead to say â??Progâ?? rhymes with â??logâ??. Shite. Comes from â??programmeâ?? , ya green git. Anywayâ?¦

If there is one thing I hate more that the trials of Peter Doherty
It the inclusion in the Prog of shite readersâ?? poetry,
It has nothing to say, and barely rhymes
I wipe my arse on it most of the time,
So to  the talentless hack from Cumbernauld,
A pile of pish is what itâ??s so rightly called

So well done Derek with this your seventh letter. Having squeezed out single entries in 1995, 1997, 2000 and 2004 this is now your third in 2007. Lots of regulars and now a big spurt - you can get a cream for that you know.

All in all a great outing for the now semi-regular letters page. It is slightly worrying that most of the letters are coming from a small pool of â??talentâ?? but hopefully that will expand once this column is syndicated.

F'kin hell, butt-man - you didn't even print my letter!

With all this talk about sh*t, wipes and general grumpyness, looks like the Butt-man's old Duke of Argylls are playing up

Prep-H uff

I'm interested - in all the decades of fan-generated thrill power you've examined, what's the best letter you've read?

And as to my Somerset identity, I'd point you to your own research further up this thread.

Ah yes Dudley I see you lay claim to the Somerset letter. For some reason I always think of you as 'The Mr Mr MacKay'. Good man for not moaning about, or even deigning to acknowledge your tongue in cheek teasing!

Dr X - get a hold of yourself, your feat is oft replicated or even bettered. Our own Grant Goggans did the actual consecutive prog letters double as recently as recently as 1526/1527. Modesty prevents me from even mentioning my mighty TEN in a row - Megs 226-235.

Professional integrity prevents me from mentioning a favourite letter - suffice it to say I alsways enjoy those that make Tharg admit an error and any in the 'wish I'd thought of that' category.

Funt our letters screening process is most strict and sadly you didn't cut the mustard. Keep trying though - heroclix now exclusivly on offer!

As for the Bill Giles' - oh me clagnuts - I'm off.

Feedback from the decidedly good sport Pete Wells. Pete had a problem posting here as I do too sometimes. I get the thumbs down guy who may simply be a decent critic.

I think it's to do with too many replies to one message on the thread. I've found that if I hit 'reply' to an earlier message it tends to work. Anyway on with the fan mail, er feedback:

Pete Wells writes...

What a wonderful load of of cobblers this thread is, well done BM! Fortunately, I actually am like a five year old excited for Christmas, your astutenessness does you a service, sir!   In true directors cut, DVD-style geekery, here is my cringeworthy letter in full with the bits Thargy cruelly/sensitively edited out put back in, in fancy itallics. I wondered if my Bish/Mills jibe would get in...   Congratulations on a triumphant return to form with prog 1550! All three strips were absolutely bursting with thrill power and, like the wonderful Star Scans of yesteryear, the â??Great moments in Thrill Powerâ?? pin ups were very, very much appreciated. More please!       Itâ??s your reply to Earthlet Piran Lynn-Smithâ??s letter thatâ??s got me writing though. In it, you state that we should wait until the Christmas prog to see further far-reaching consequences of Dreddâ??s recent brilliantly scripted shift in mutant rights. Christmas!?! Aaagh, I canâ??t wait that long, Iâ??ll simply burst!       I do, however, have a cunning plan! Bish-Opâ??s fascinating Thrill Power Overload book shows us that all of your time is taken up squabbling with censorship droids, chasing art droids and massaging the ego of writer droids, all on top of putting together the galaxyâ??s greatest. Also Bish-Opâ??s very good friend, the Mills Droid, has let it slip that Mek-Quake is safely secured in Broadband Asylum on Mars. I think now is the opportune time for me to break into the Nerve Centre, Indiana Jones stylee, where I shall be able to plunder the vaults to find out whatâ??s in store for the Justice Dept. Iâ??m sorry Tharg, but I simply canâ??t wait till Christmas to find out!

...Now we've seen the full text deduct a further 10% of any credit given!

Mine had an extra verse, so in the DVD director's cut style here (and cos Buttonman liked the other verses) here it is:-

Last are the â??Southersâ? of Nu-Earth fame,
But no one knows how to say their name,
Please tell us what is the correct inflection -
â??Sutherâ? (like â??sufferâ?) or the compass direction?

Dear Letters Us Entertain You

I enjoyed your response to my letter - after all, it's always better to have a critic than a fan!  Unless you're in hot climes, of course.  Like the time I was in Northern China near the Gobi and it was so hot that even the locals were complaining...

Anyway, I just wanted to write in to request that you stop adding the extraneous capital "K" to the middle of my name.  We're Lowlander Mackays, and never adopted the tricksy Highland way of spelling things.

Thanks
The "Mr Mr" Mackay

Well blow us weâ??re back again. Can you believe that this is the sixth letters page in a scant nine weeks? For all you thickos out there thatâ??s two weeks out of each three. Marvellous, but not quite wonderful. Firstly it means our glass is empty a third of the time and this weekâ??s contains a paltry three. Still, we promise to be good, donâ??t take our letters away!

Nice to have the letters retained on the inside back page but  itâ??s a shame that theyâ??ve been squeezed in around an unfeasibly large reservation coupon. I know Tharg has to flog his wares but has anyone ever, like in the history of the universe, actually filled one of these in and clipped it out and presented it to a newsagent?  â??Noâ?? is the answer you are grasping for and we donâ??t think itâ??s worth a third of the page. We do however like the three handled laser scissors though.

Anyway enough with the moans letâ??s get with the gravy. First up is James Stewart-Evans who give Tharg  his double barrels. Sadly though itâ??s barrels of man fat and itâ??s more â??Rear Entranceâ?? than Rear Windowâ??. James enthuses big style about Dredd and the ABCâ??s but saves his savage wit for Stone Island which he can â??take or leaveâ?. He then goes on to cut through the hype and  confusion to declare â??Originsâ?? to be â??a complete history of Dreddâ??s worldâ?. Thank Christ you came James I thought it was about the history of the tumble dryer!

James could be making his debut here or laying claim to the longest absence for some time - a â??Jim Stewart-Evansâ?? from Harlow appeared in 1993 in Prog 848. Given the same name (albeit Jim/James) and same area (Harlow is in Essex) we are inclined to think they are one and the same. Why not check in and put us out of our misery Jim/James?

Jay Niland enjoys his third outing this Prog having previously entertained us in Progs 2003, 1401 and 1553. He has no Letters of the Week laurels but claims a reasonable letters footprint of five years. He is Torquayâ??s most famous resident (after Basil Fawlty) commanding a huge 50% of all letters from the town. Indeed his letter in Prog 2003 ended the catastrophic drought of letters that went back almost 20 years to Prog 276  in 1982.

His letter is a pretty good two hander opening with a well observed but poorly executed comment on Thargâ??s changing look . The point was made over an endless paragraph when a pithy one liner would have sufficed. He carries on with a standard â??love it / hate itâ?? analysis of the Prog which is OK but hardly Earth shattering.

Last up itâ??s old friend Steve â??Fancy aâ?? Frame of snooker A.K.A. D. Reay A.K.A Mr Misrepresentation. As regular readers will attest Steve was outed by his very column as D. Reay who, using this false appellation conned Tharg into printing extra letters when the clear â??one a month for himâ?? policy was active. Of course we only care about the letters but he is clearly a man of questionable morals, who should be returning all falsely won graphic novels to Tharg, via ourselves.

We digress. Steve Frame can now count a decent seven letters with 4 in 2006 and three in 2007 thus far. If you add in D. Reayâ??s dubious duo heâ??s knocking on the door of the big one-oh. Out of the nine a respectable four were letters of the week. This one wasnâ??t though, and rightly so.

Steveâ??s gushing praise caused a near gushing of something else - vomit! â??Every letter of â??Originsâ?? should be hewn on a granite boulder and piled into a mighty ziggurat of thrillsâ??? What a lot of pish! He then inexplicably cracks one off over â??DeFoeâ?? and â??Grey Suitâ?? which have been lukewarm at best. This buttering up of â??two old mastersâ? would have had more dignity if actual butter and a reference copy of â??Last Tango in Parisâ?? were used.

All in all a decent outing for the letters page but with too much praise for some strips that have widely been held to be mediocre at best. I donâ??t know if Tharg is only printing the praise or whether the readership see sucking up as a sure fire way to collar the goodies. As we all know a good slagging is far more fun that all the sucking up Caithness can manage!

EXTRA!!

In view of the shortened length of this weekâ??s letters page and in keeping with our â??never short-change the readerâ?? policy we felt it time for another competition. As you know the last contests were won in double quick time and clearly far too easy. This time in keeping with the classy nature of the column the quest will be EUPHAMISMS FOR GOING TO THE TOILET. Yes the first writer to get a bodily function relating to the lavatory will win an increased prize of £20 in Amazon credit. Previously posted terms and conditions apply.

For example a winning offering may describe how you enjoyed your prog â??after dropping the kids off at the poolâ?? or your Prog related excitement may have cause you to â??drop a brown troutâ?? at an angling contest. Local terms may be used but a consensus may be sought from board regulars to decide if a term is suitable for award. The term used must be humorous and not simply â??I like to read my Prog when going to the toiletâ??. It should also be clear that the message is hidden and not commented on by  Tharg.

All entrants should make their claims on this thread, making clear the toilet reference claimed. Editorial decision is final, but if you get in â??turtleâ??s headâ?? itâ??s game over!

I tried to get some head cheese into the prog via e-mailing the letters page- but I think old greenbonce must be familiar with such terran afflictions, as it hasn't been printed (yet). Along with another letter I sent that takes my tally to 5 rejections in a row. This takes me 2 steps closer to my goal of double figures with a 0% hit rate.

And it's looking like I got one punted for the Meg too. My cottage cheese effort was too little too late! However, I may be up for dropping a jobby in  dialhead's in-tray...

Keep up the good work Buttman! Carry on the rest of you,

Toodlepip

Col Huff Rtd

I've yet to read this weeks prog- but paradoxically, I always read the letters review column even if I haven't managed to open the envelope the comic's in.

"... all the sucking up Caithness can manage"

Sucking up ? Hell boy, that was just light flattery. You'll know when I start sucking up as Tharg's head will implode due to the vacuum.

Anyway, I got the word "keech" printed a couple of letters ago. Unless he got one of his Jock-bots on the case, Tharg probably has no idea what this means, much less how it is pronounced.

I'll have that twenty quid, ta very much!    

Haud on just a wee minute there, Dounreay, ya chancer.  Ho!  Referee!  Ye cannae back date your claim, and even if you could, keech is a synonym for shite, not a euphemism.

Now, if you'd suggested that Tharg release the chocolate hostages, drop the kids off at the pool, lay down some spicy brown, pinch a loaf, take a leak, squirt the dirt, let one rip, bake a brownie, drop a bomb, cut the cheese, step on a duck or syphon the python, you might have a case.

Well adjudicated Funt, although ye can haud on wi the big words.

To clarify (although the rules were abundantly clear!) it's the doing we are interested in not the product. For example 'Samantha Slade is shite' is no good (although correct) whereas 'the unexpected pleasure of DeFoe was like the Browns making it to the super bowl' would take the (arse) gravy.

Well hello there, itâ??s good to be back. After a one week lay off we return with a welcome double header, with full letters pages in both titles. There is a slight concern that two full pages equates to only seven letters, but that what happens when you let people prattle on a lot of pish about â??thrill-sucker cascadesâ?? and the like. Still thereâ??s a lot to plough through, so letâ??s cut the preamble and get to the gold.

First up the Prog, and in premier position is John Bateson. We were trying to come up with something about â??masterbatesonâ?? but canâ??t quite get it to gel. Anyway John scores his first credit here with a slightly touching yet unmistakably ghoulish  tribute to his dead Nan. If she were Indian we could say â??Nan deadâ?? for a tasteless laugh but happily she isnâ??t, and weâ??re above that kind of thing anyway.

We were a bit perturbed by Johnâ??s suggestion that he was thinking of giving up the comic but happily things turned out well. John can lay claim to being the first â??Batesonâ?? to get a letter published  and joins 8 other â??Batesâ?? who have had letters in. Master Bater Gary leads the day with three and was last seen in Prog 1327, clutching some tissues.

Jesus Christ, the things we have to do to bring you this column. Yes, it even includes reading Linton Porteousâ?? nightmare mail - twice. Linton managed to sneak his letter out of his padded cell, and their loss is ours too. A rambling nightmare of â??global thrill-tracking satellitesâ?? and  â??Taaarrrg philosophersâ?? left us a shuddering wreck mortified by the embarrassing spectacle. And the length too, weâ??ve not seen this much sucking up since we found those videos in the Janitorâ??s shed.

This effluence notches Linton his 28th straight letter without a letter of the week appearance. He has had 3 in this year and his Prog to Meg ratio is 13:15.

Next up is â??Caithness arseâ?? (nearly rhymes with glass, you see?) Steve Frame who nets a tiddler to achieve his 8th offering and two in consecutive input pages. With his fraudulent â??D. Reayâ?? persona included he can now join the ranks of the double digit letter writers. At the bottom, obviously. Steveâ??s letter is mercifully short but still managed to shoe-horn in an annoying â??yâ??knowâ??. Weâ??ll tell you something we know, this was rubbish, pointless and dull. We know thatâ??s three things, but weâ??re doing a special offer.

Last up is Adrian Bowen and his offering is great, smashing and super. Adrian is an old hand with four entries on the letters beast the last being in Prog 1510 in 2006. He has two star letter credits and seemingly some mental issues. The words â??greatâ?¦comic narrativeâ?? and  â??fun and joyâ?? have no place in the same sentence as â??Robo-Hunterâ??. And he claims to be a teacher! I hope itâ??s in nose picking, otherwise we fear for the younger generations! Still  good job Adrian, always good to end on a funny note!

Moving to the Meg we find far fewer opportunities to make fun of peoplesâ?? names. The letters are also better constructed and thoughtful, and far less exciting!

Things kick off with Tony Colesâ?? first letter. We have no other â??Colesâ?? on the letters beast and the address of â??e-mailâ?? give us no statistical joy. Just as well really as I donâ??t think boo-hoo Tony could handle any criticism. â??I started to cryâ?? he burbles in a pathetic display that would make Tiny Tears wince. He does like Satanus though so clearly graver issues are at hand. Get well soon Tony, maybe Linton and Jim Bowen will share their meds!

David Forbes takes the middle column in a letter we find hard to discredit - it looks like this guy is reading the text articles - weird or what? He does show a good grasp of researching his rant and making the writer look a tit which is an admirable feat. He is possibly a bit too passionate about his torture porn so I wonâ??t attempt to wind him up - heâ??s only take it out on the man chained up in his basement. David may be celebrating his second outing as a David Forbes from Widnes got a letter published in prog 1133 back in 1999. Perhaps he could come on to verify if itâ??s his, once heâ??s got the blood and semen off his PC.

Last up is Alan Holloway who cements the Weston Super Mare double with his Prog pal  Jim Bowen. Alan is a bit of a dark horse having chalked up an impressive 14 appearances since Prog 872. He slipped under the radar somewhat as his last outing before now predated the letters beast in Prog 1479. Itâ??s unclear what lured Alan out (maybe parole from a ladiesâ?? prison?) as his letter is a dull walkthrough of the Megazine with a few bon motes chucked in along the way. He says nothing controversial, or memorable for that matter. Still hopefully now that the ink is flowing better things will follow.

Despite a few well observed critical maulings we enjoyed todayâ??s double feature and look forward to greater things to come.

Tharg even edited out the stupid mistake I made in my letter.  He truly is all-knowing.  Be thankful, butt(on)man that he decided not to print the other twelve pages of my highly amusing missive.

Buttonman used my quote... I can now die happy!

I had never realised before that
LINTON PORTEOUS
is an anagram of
SPOUT ROT ONLINE

I doubt I'll see a better anagram this year.

Charming.

Mind you, in light of this thread, the anagram for STEPHEN WATSON comes close...

NET PEST HAS WON.

Or indeed:

NET HAS OWN PEST

SPOUT ROT ONLINE?

Seemed perfectly nice when I met him face to face though.

SUPS A LAGA WELL.

"Tharg even edited out the stupid mistake I made in my letter"

He once changed my use of "black&white" to "greyscale" thus making me look less ignorant than I am, and showing he really does care about us.

I said "Deadlock" where I meant "Blackblood", owing to my frenzied excitement at having just read such an outstanding prog.  

I forgot to sign my last letter and he still knew who it was from. He's clever so he is.

Do you get to wear a special hat after getting ten printed? If not, why not?

"Welcome to the Caithness Arse (almost rhymes with glass) Factory".

Now there is a sign I'd like to see.

These testimonies suggest that Tharg is giving the letters page his full attention at last and frankly the reason for that is evidently clear.

Yes that's right that ropey DVD mag withdrew their ad and now he has a page to fill.

Alas to qualify for the 10 letter hat you have to have them all in one name. Not a bunch of pseuds that take advantage of a poor bewildered alien. For now you can have a hat, but only one that say 'Beware - Fraudster at work'.

:: "EUPHAMISMS FOR GOING TO THE TOILET"

I'm probably clutching at (brown) straws, but this week's Input contains the following output:

 - "rolling them out"
 - "I was immensely moved"
 - "commit them to paper"

Arrg, letters based debate and I have no Prog. Have begged for a scan on the Prog thread so here's hoping for tonight.

Those cited seem somewhat vague, I think the test should be if I can say to the wife and she at least suspects what I'm getting at is laying a cable then we have a winner.

I mean virtually any statement about deposits, delivery, water based activity, anything with paper, smells, splashes or brown can be held to have a toilet motiff.

Have to go now, have to drop a log off at the undersea paper shop. In Turdsville.

After two weeks of no letters pages and a  postal strike send to thwart us, weâ??re finally back and thank the good Lord we are. What doesnâ??t kill us only makes us stronger and itâ??s good to see our patience is rewarded by a  quarter pound beef burger of letters.

Things kick off with our old friend Michael Crouch of â??A-Haâ?? Norwich. We know the letter says â??Norfolkâ?? but thatâ??s norfolking good for shoe horning in another Partridge reference. Michael Sofa celebrates his 17 published entry here which includes two drawings from the good old days. Michael debuted in Prog 521 with â??Thatch the Warlock and Ronniedonkâ?? and followed that up with â??Dead Thargâ?? in 670. Michael was last seen in Prog 1526 and this star letter is his third. It is also his third appearance in 2007.

His letter is run of the mill stuff and has the annoying droid fixation. He mentions â??Droid Wagnerâ?? and â??Droid Langleyâ?? and then â??Pat Millsâ??. What is Pat not a robot? Some inside info from Michael Futon there! The letter meanders along in a painfully familiar style before ending with â??You keep rolling them out, and Iâ??ll keep buying themâ??. What the Hell is that? Thatâ??s not a familiar saying or phrase. You keep pitchinâ?? and weâ??ll keep hittinâ?? Michael Chaise Lounge.

Jack Wainwright from Essex sounds like a new character on Eastenders, but no he isnâ??t - heâ??s a debut letter writer and a fair to middling one at that. Jack has seen the new â??dead Nanâ?? niche open  up and sticks his shovel full right in the gap. There are times for reminiscing about dead kin folk and thatâ??s at funerals or when pished, not in a hot to trot sci-fi comic letters page. Mike covers the â??stories summaryâ?? angle as well, so heâ??s a true double whammy - of dullness.

Still itâ??s his first outing, unless he can convince the committee that heâ??s the â??Hume Wainwrightâ?? from the 1979 Sci-Fi Special. Five Wainwrights in total have made the grade with Jack being the first since Michael in Prog 1035 in 1997.

Are you being served in the letters department? Well letâ??s ask Mr Lucas if heâ??s free. No heâ??s busy with Mrs Slocumâ??s vagina, so weâ??ll have to settle for Joe Lucas of London who is the second debutee of this page.  Joe witters on about his fantasy letter writing but Grud alone knows why this was the one chosen to step into the light. Joe make threats about having a nuclear bomb but we doubt that he could even manage to pull off â??shite alightâ??.

The last Lucas to grace our hallowed page was â??Jessie James Lucasâ?? of, er, Bournemouth. Bet heâ??s another nuclear bomb wielding crazy guy!

They say â??Donâ??t mess with Texasâ?? but lets have a few digs at Mike â??The Organâ?? Morgan anyway. I know he may come over and attack our office with propane and propane accessories but it could be worse - he might have a nuclear bomb too.

Mike is making his fourth letters page  visit of 2007 and of ever. Only steers and queers come from Texas but  Mike doesnâ??t seem too queer apart from moaning about his â??hum drum lifeâ?? why the Hell move there then?! He alludes to his wife thinking heâ??s insane but Iâ??m sure she doesnâ??t - manic depression isnâ??t seen as insanity any more. He seems to staple on a final Button Man remark and starts the sentence with an â??andâ?? big no-no there from the purists.

Last up in both letter print order and in standard is Chris Evangelou who makes his second ever appearance having first appeared in Prog 1247 in 2001. If this bon mote is the best he could manage with six years of think time we dread to imagine what was rejected. Other than his Greek heritage of course, as â??Chrisâ?? was â??Christosâ?? in his last outing.

Itâ??s nice that Tharg crams in one more letter rather than expand the text at the bottom, but if itâ??s rot like this it serves only to leave a sour taste in the mouth. Weâ??ll be needing extra spicy kebab sauce to get rid of that Christos!

Well a good letters age that takes more reading than all the strips combined. Good extra value for minimal effort for Tharg. Bet itâ??s gone next week!

Just a brief update as yesterdayâ??s episode has already exceeded the government recommend dose for bullshit in a week. Predictably the Prog drew a letters blank this week but Megazine 264 served up four spicy meat balls.

First up is Craig Grannell who notches up double figures with this entry. Craig was last seen in Prog 1499 in 2006. This is his second Megazine appearance after his debut in Meg 220 in 2004.  There is not much to say about his letter except that he hates Satanus - well Dâ??uh! A better heading for this letter than â??Faces of Justiceâ?? would have been â??Faeces of Justiceâ??. No wait a minute thatâ??s shit too.

Manny Lange scores his second hit in the Megazine following his first in Meg 259. He has yet to bother the Prog scorers. Manny is involved in correspondence with movie man Alec Worley and the sound of him backtracking is deafening. Like your countryman says Manny. â??Say what you seeâ?? and stick to it.

Canadia citizen Nick Klie makes his debut here and marks the 10th letter from that country. Aye. No Canuck has ever scored a double and we can only presume that the Mounties carry you off after the first on charges of bringing the nation into disrepute. His letter is a bit of an unfocused ramble but we like the inclusion of the word â??peckerheadâ??.

Last up itâ??s chase me Philip â??Dickâ?? Emery. We were going to say â??Emery boredâ?? as itâ??s nearly a pun but it is also incorrect. Phil come out with all guns blazing citing all from creators to management with charges of nepotism and dereliction of duty over the Satanus debacle. The editorâ??s sarcastic reply only confirms itâ??s a job well done.

Phil who hails from Blackpool gets three plums on the line for this effort, which is his fourth in total. Almost interestingly Philâ??s letter have been scattered across time appearing in Progs  dated 1982 (a 279 debut) 1997, 2004 and this one. The man clearly bides his time and then strikes when the iron is lukewarm.

A good letters page with a fine smattering of abuse and name calling. We like!

You know, I'm tempted to write to Tharg for the first time in years, not to get in the prog, but to be mentioned in this thread.
Because it's beautiful.

"Because it's beautiful."

Dont fall for that old trick Buttonman, satchmo just wants his quote under the header. Heres a better one...

Better than a massive shite after a severe bout  of constipation!




I really should write a letter.

Bah what nonsense, I spoke from the heart! Buttonman feel free to use Satanist's "classic" zinger in the next installment!

Hmm...you say it's beautiful but in fact it is an inefficient monopoly, badly in need of re-structuring to allow it to meet the challenges of the dynamic lettes page market of the present.

Sure, in the early days, it was acceptable to have coloured headers and posts bemoaning the lack of a letters page but these Spanish practices need to end.

A few simple reforms such as an effective numeric ratings system for letters instead of time consuming bile and spleen, out sourcing of reviews and acknowledgment of the brilliance of all letters from north of Inverness are all that is needed to secure the future of this ailing thread.    
 
 

Fook you and that sheep that you're hanging out of!

The only 'Spanish Practice' that goes on around here involves a chorizo and an area of outstanding natural beauty.

If anyone wants to step up to the plate I'd be more than happy to confer the power of the letters beast upon them. Especially as I'm off on holiday for 2 weeks starting Nov 6th.

As we all know letters maketh the comic fan!

A well balanced equation truly is a thing of beauty.

Going on holiday, eh. Them's pretty big shoes to fill. Perhaps an "Apprentice" style reality thread is needed to pick a worthy stand in.

Q; What do you call four sheep tied together in Caithness?

A; A leisure centre.

Well after a one week absence weâ??re back with a power house of five mighty missives appearing in this Prog, 1560. If  this campaign is  ever assessed by historians, and it surely will, there is little doubt that this outing will be seen as a high water mark.

The ball begins itâ??s trundle with Steve Sullivan of the exotic sounding Winchelsea Beach, who gets the Letter of the Week laurels. Undeserved in our book, as it a straight up suck job - which is fine but he has to show off and bring his clearly long suffering wife into the equation. â??My wife agreedâ?¦and that was just the picturesâ? he gushes. It is patently obvious that he held it up and the wife said â??Thatâ??s nice dearâ??. A beautiful domestic scene we agree, but letter of the week? Nah.

This is Steveâ??s second offering, the first having appeared back in Prog 1429 in 2005. We canâ??t be bothered digging it out, but we know two things - it wasnâ??t a star letter and it was better than this one!

After the appetizer comes the main course. The big Kahuna burger, the main event, the dogâ??s testicles. Oh wait itâ??s the Watson one first. We have to declare an interest here - we think this guy is great! Well someone has to.

The letter is headed amusingly â??Button Moanâ?? and weâ??d be happy to spoon with Tharg over his witty title. The letter is a cogent argument about the present Buttonman series and contains at least two kick ass similes. Our wife credited it with â??lacking your usual clichésâ?? - praise from Caesar indeed!

Any letter that provokes a â??Quaequam blagâ?? from Tharg is good in our book and itâ??s obvious that he clearly but covertly agrees with the writerâ??s findings. This is Watsonâ??s 48th appearance consisting of 47 letters and one profile. He was credited with 48 before but  Stephen Walton of Bury is clearly not him. The nifty fifty is still in sight as are the coat tails of the lazy Kermode who hasnâ??t been seen since Prog 1510 in 2006.

Next up is another old face, Linton Porteous of Dundee who will clearly be upset at being tagged â??Mr Logicâ?? in his letter title. Heâ??s a son of DC Thompson and would clearly prefer â??Billy Jizzâ?? as his title. Lintonâ??s letter is a scary insight into his mind and if it werenâ??t all over the place it would seem the result of Rain Man type fixations. People who live on statistics are weirdoes. This is Lintonâ??s 29th letter and he maintains his grasp on the â??Most published without a star letter crownâ??.

He was last seen as recently as Prog 1555 and this marks his 3rd appearance of 2007. He has had 14 Prog letters published to his 15 megazine and, as he likeâ??s pointless stats, we can also advise that heâ??s had more letters in even numbered issues than odd (15/14). Which is strange as he seems decidedly odd!

Vote Saxton? Not on the evidence of this limp letter we wonâ??t! Joseph Saxton offers few insights and some complete clangers, all in an eight line eulogy. The biggest  faux pas is his love of â??corpses being classily killed in Button Manâ?? - how do you kill a corpse? â??Corpses being classily createdâ?? maybe, but for this moribund mail itâ??s the knackerâ??s yard, weâ??re afraid. This is Saxtonâ??s first appearance although his namesake â??DH Saxton of Ilkestonâ?? appeared in Prog 853 in 1993.

Last up, and rightly so itâ??s our old pal Hipster dad, AKA Grant Goggans of US of Stateside. Grant is the hot property of letters page watchers with this his 22nd letter since his debut in Prog 1114 in 1998. At that strike rate heâ??ll be all time leader in about 25 years. All his letters are to the weekly as heâ??s yet to break his Megazine cherry. This is his fifth letter of 2007 which all but guarantees him a top 5 slot in the year end review special.

We think we can see the secret of his success though â??stunnedâ?, â??blown awayâ?,  â??triumphâ?,  â??greatâ?, â??fantasticâ? and â??wonderfulâ?. Can you spot the connection, gentle reader? Yes, Grant is a shameless suck up and one man cover quotes machine. When his collected works are finally bound for the ages they better bundle it with a sick bag as his gushing platitudes leave even our stoic reviewers retching.

All in all a fine letters page with only the mis-awarding of the letter of the week accolade letting the side down.

Er, Funt or Hipster should have got it



TOILET COMPETITION

As you will no doubt remember a hefty £20 prize is on offer for the first letter writer to trick Tharg into inadvertently including a euphemism for going to the lavatory in their letter. No genuine claims have been made as of yet although  Linton Porteousâ?? â??dropped mudâ?? may have some claim. Never heard it called that so thatâ??s out. Steve Sullivan fails in a similar manner with his â??You sure are deliveringâ??. Joseph Saxton does get â??crapâ?? printed but thatâ??s no euphemism, so itâ??s all up for grabs. Any other nominations will be carefully considered and rejected.

Aha - I've not got my prog yet so didn't know my letter was in.  "Dropped mud" was indeed my attempt at the prize - it's a euphemism for doing a plop plop.  I demand a recount etc.

Anyway - if I do win the prize, you know where I want it to go.  Same as last time.

Ahem:

"used to wipe their ass after they dropped mud" (http://www.wackbag.com/archive/index.php/t-27282.html)

And so on.  Just google "dropped mud".  I think it might be a US of Stateside expression.

Hmmm, your evidence is of interest but is in the form of message board posts. I suggest these could have been planted by persons unknown.

I will however put it to the vote in a Day the Law died ball dropping scenario.

The next five boarders to post on this thread have two balls, one white one brown. Three brown balls gets the prize. Funt can't vote.

My Vote :

There was also a film with a farting contest in it- I think it was some Frat-film or something. One of the rules was that you could be disqualified for "drawing mud"- which basically meant shitting yourself mid-chuff. Inevitably, one contestant 'drew mud', accompanied by attendant sound effects.

Sorry I can't be more specific about the film, Funtsolo. Buttonman, I'd say he's 'well in', fair and square... but I'm not the judge!

Link: Draw Mud...

Draw Mud'the threat of an unwanted shit discharge in the pants'

I'm unconvinced on two points :

1) You definition is about the threat of a shit whereas the contest is clearly about the actual act of having the shit.

2) You phrase is 'drew mud' whereas Funt has 'Dropping mud'. As we to accept that any usage of the word 'mud' has the secondry meaning of 'shit' also? If that's the case I've ordered my last portion of Mississipi Mud Pie!

Anyway voting is open and it's all about opinions, so let's have you.

Current Score : Brown - 1  White - 1

Well, it was meant to be a brown ball, and not a red x.  Brown ball!

I hope you're realising that we're defining the board's (Poo) Council of Five, here.  In keeping with the context, that makes me a Senior Fudge.

If I lose, then forever more my trips to drop the children off at the pool will be known as "taking the shuttle to Titan".

Brown - 2 White - 1

Some people are on the pitch...

Ooh 2-2 - get away from the PM's Funt!

Are you colour blind?  X clearly dropped a brown one into the bowl, there!

That's not brown that's a sort of yellow with rusting thing.

I could don my eye patch and do a Judge Griffin impression saying I'm exercising my veto and maybe we should all have a bit more toilet humour in us, but I won't.

It's a fair cop and I did suspect we had a winner when it stood out like a poo in the pan. PM me your e-mail and I'll Paypal the cash or send an Amazon voucher to you.

I know you mentioned the charity donation angle but I feel you should have a personal award for such an worthy endeveaour.

I feel relieved to have wiped away the opposition with a quick dispatch.

Please donate my winnings, like last time.

Feel free to donate them to me. I told Tharg that it was a shame Dom Reardon didn't get a crack at a Cabs cover: after all he's had eighteen months to squeeze one out.

Donation made - good karma for you Funt and shame on you bad Cosh!



Good that something worthwhile can come from something so worthy.

Huzzah!

My star letter non-awarding may (as you keep helpfully pointing out) be something like 0/30, but my Letters Us Entertain You competition wins are 2/2.

And we all know which is more important.

2 from 3 - I managed to finagle the cottage cheese one in spectacular fashion.

How could I forget the cottage cheese - it was cruelly censored from my letter by an edit-happy Tharg.

Before any pedant points it out can I just confirm that I'm aware it was Chief Judge Goodman who condemned Dredd in the ball dropping exercise at the start of the Day the Law Died, but Chief Judge Griffin who used the veto to save him after the Judge Child Quest.

Came to me during my mid-morning shower - how foolish did I feel?!

It's been a while since we've seen any of the Council of Five's balls drop.

Well, weâ??re back after an intensive two week team building cruise around the Med. Well if a buffet queue and a boat load of old duffers is intensive that is. Sadly our Bill Savage t-shirt drew not a glance but at least we won the 14 day team trivia challenge. Tough gig it was too. Well hereâ??s a sample Q & A offered by one of our rivals:

Q: In which film did Arnie utter the line â??Consider this a divorceâ???
A: Robot Cop

That was wrong on so many levels, and we felt it a bit unfair when we got ejected from the lounge for berating the old bag for 20 minutes over  her maniacal wrongness.

The other one that may have highlighted the age bracket of our rivals was:

Q: Which company uses the marketing phrase â??Iâ??m lovinâ?? itâ???
A: Batchelorâ??s Soup

Still a win is a win, and if we donâ??t all die from Turkish mosquito bites or Greek donkey shit infections we are back revitalised and ready for the year  end onslaught. This  will culminate with an letters based extravaganza  and review together with the crowning of the new letters champion. Great prizes have already been secured (Island Cruises t-shirt and book mark) and itâ??s all up for grabs with several contenders vying for the title. Itâ??s almost as exciting as the last half hour of â??Robot Copâ??.

So on with the action and although three mags and two letters pages awaited our return it was with some disappointment we noted that they consisted of only seven letters in total. Thatâ??s a mean of  2.333 per publication which is size zero at best. Bring back the BishOp with his 21 gun salutes to the letter writing art!

First up is Prog  1564 which has a slim three nuggets of excitement and a huge fuck off sized reservation coupon. Surly Tharg knows comic fans donâ??t cut up their mags by now? Maybe he only got three good letters - people have been on holiday you know!

Taking centre stage with the LETTER of the WEEK is old pal James Feist of Hampshire. James sees his 14th offering hit pay dirt here and thatâ??s a good strike rate since his first in Prog 1274 in 2002. This is his second LETTER of the WEEK and his Prog to Meg ratio is stretched to 8:6. He does have bugger all chance of being the coveted â??Lettersmith of 2007â?? as this is his first entry to see light this year.

His letter is a good one although it does tread some familiar ground. His deliberate wrong footing of self finale was seen from Malta but all in all itâ??s decent, workmanlike stuff.

Serial scribbler Richard Kavanagh of Eire is up next and celebrates his 19th listing with this offering. Like his letters cohort Grant Goggans heâ??s never seen print in the Magazine and thatâ??s given a pretty favourable rate for the Euro. Maybe heâ??ll finally catch that Leprechaun and secure a Megazine subscription. There again maybe he has and all his Megazine letters blow big chunks. Maybe heâ??ll add a post and let us know.

Again the letter is OK stuff but we certainly take exception with the epithet â??Babyâ?? being applied to Tharg - show some respect you damned Mick! His run through of the ABCâ??s storyline is most illuminating, but only if you are in the slow reading group at school or on table 6 at Team Trivia

Picking up the rear is Mark Solomon of Australia. Surprisingly this is the first Cobber to show face this year. We were all upset at Steve Irwin dying but youâ??ve got to move on, Mates. Letters God Floyd Kermode has been AWOL for ages and as soon as the budget allows weâ??re setting off on a mission to find him. Mark scores his first six with this entry, his first since Prog 1490 in 2006. He has yet to get on the LETTER of the WEEK podium a distinction he shares with Linton Porteous amongst others.

The judgement of Solomon is â??GREATâ??  and is also wrong. The quickly forgotten â??Grey Suitâ?? is labelled a â??classicâ?? and similar unlikely praise is heaped on  â??Stone (cold) Islandâ??. Still heâ??d probably had a few tinnies when he sent the pigeon.

Moving over to the Megazine (265) we meet up with regular writer James Mackay of sunny Cyprus. James opens some retsina over his 8th letter and significantly his 4th of 2007. He holds a near monopoly on the  Mackay name surrendering only one entry to Andrew who had an alien joke published way back in Prog 49 (1978).

James recently turned some Mongolians on to thrill power and  will probably take care of the Martians next if his Pro-Satanus stance is to be believed. We do like a bit of letters debate in the letters pages but to have three letters all saying the same thing is a fast plane to Dullsville. He goes on to cuddle up to previous scorer Tony Coles over the Anderson misfire and things only become clear in his final sentence. His cup runs over - with gin we think or possibly that ropey Sangria we once had in Fig Tree Bay.

Scott Ferguson shows us his lucky 13 next, well as lucky as anyone can be living in East Kilbride. Scottyâ??s long career stretches back to Prog 794 in 1992 and this is his 3rd entry this year. This letter answers a previous letter that was itself and answer to another. We are as letters mad as it gets and even we find this a bit anal. Come on, think of the new blood who gently reaches for this, their first letters page, only to be scared away for ever more by a lot of chat about some stuff from ages ago.

The only cherry popper this issue is up next and itâ??s Stephen Barfield of Essex - he must be the last one from there. Stephen, who spells his name in the correct form, is also on the Satanus debate bandwagon and frankly this mass-debate is a load of wank. Clever eh? Stephen is the second Barfield to make the grade following from Adrian of Oxford in Prog 699 in 1990.

Last up, and thank God for that as my ravioli is nearly ready , is Laurence Oâ??Rourke form Edinburgh. Laurence scores his 5th hit this month with his year total at a healthy 2. He also beats his last year total of 1. His letter is a good old fashioned moan which is let down by the use of exaggeration - weâ??ve told you two times not to do that! He also talks piffle of stuff being on the internet as if itâ??s news - come on even the Weggies have the net nowadays you know! He would have scored a few more hits if heâ??s accentuated the positive, not spoken the obvious and not used words like â??papâ?? and â??claptrapâ??. Other than that heâ??s on an all time high!

With only three qualifying Progs to go this year (Prog 2008 will have a 2007 cover date) the action is as hot as this rash we brought back from our holidays. Hopefully Tharg will see the year out in style with a 3 from 3 hit ratio - make it so Mighty One!

You know, and I'm being DEADLY SERIOUS here, you could write up an amusing article about the letters (the nutty debates, the nutters, Floyd) in 2000ad and the Megazine and send it in to them.

It would be miles more entertaining than the filler (17 Best Movie Deaths!) we are fed and would also make an amusing footnote to Thrill Power Overload.


I also think Tharg could do a CHOICE CUTS FROM THE MESSAGE BOARD box-out if he's running short of letters.  There's always a couple of laugh out loud comments worth repeating to the larger readership.

Yeh but to some creators our views from the message board dont count.



V

When The Letters Beast was first completed I wrote to Tharg about it, but ironically (or should that be correctly?!) it wasn't printed. I did get one printed asking about Messageboard comments being used as as an addition to letters but it merited a withering response. Something about get writing lazy arses.

A readers' imput feature over the years could be fun, but sadly only to about 6 people.

I do agree about that movie deaths feature - that was read it through the fingers bad. At least two from inside my head and others from Star Wars novels? Pile o' pish.

WOO HOO!

I got me a by-line on the letters review thread!

I'm made up at that.

Suddenly cool blokes want to hang with me and beautiful women want my children.

His letter is a good one although it does tread some familiar ground. His deliberate wrong footing of self finale was seen from Malta but all in all itâ??s decent, workmanlike stuff.

Huzzah! Faint praise in the eyes of some, perhaps, but seeing as I was expecting one of Button's merciless savagings for my modest effort, I'm well chuffed with that.

I've begun avoiding the obvious route of just reviewing the thrills one by one and trying hard to come up with more interesting points to make.
Apoligies for the obvious finale, but a joke always goes down well, I thought, and I was determined to get printed (so that I could finally appear on Letters Entertain You, of course). Letter of the Week was just a bonus.

Off to read my free graphic novel I go!

(http://photobucket.com"%20target="_blank)

Ah there you are. Come on in out of the cold and join this non-denominational year end (sorry Chinese readers!) celebration. The drinks have been poured and the funny ties tied so draw a chair up to the fireside and enjoy a reflective look at the years letters. Although there are no losers in letters land there are of course winners, with the Megazine, 2000ad and Overall champion berths waiting to be filled.

The first journal to finish itâ??s year was the Megazine, so weâ??ll begin there.

We all remember the horrors of 2006 during which only 29 letters were published - in total!. Indeed it was from this tragedy that this campaign was born and weâ??re happy to report that the first green shoots of recovery have been sighted. This yearâ??s total was 37 a mighty  21.8% increase. This is a reason for optimism but donâ??t forget itâ??s only 13 years since we saw 157 letters in 1994 an average of 6.28 per issue. This year 12 out of 14 Megazines had letters pages, giving a letters to Megazine ratio of 2.64 a decent increase on 2006â??s 2.23 which was the all time low. The scabby letters free Megazines where 254 and 258.

Of the 37 letters published 26 were from single scorers with 11 being attributed to multiple entry scribers.

The multi-men are

Mike â??The Organâ?? Morgan - US of Stateside 256, 260, 262
James Mackay - Somerset/Cyprus                  253, 265
Tom â??Dotâ?? Cotton - Telford                            256, 257
Manny Lange - Ireland                                    259, 264
Stephen Watson - Paisley                               253, 262

So well done Mike who wrestles the Megazine crown from the incumbent with a pathetic 3. Last year this crown needed a mighty 5 to be secured and hopefully a return to form from all contenders will be seen next time around.

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2007 LETTERS CHAMPION!

After many hours of computating the final chart has been drafted. With the number of letters down it was inevitable that the Championâ??s crown would be somewhat tarnished, with last yearâ??s winning total of  10 being a thing of a madmanâ??s dreams. Here is the chart that contains every reader who had more than one letter published. Where there is a tie the number of star letters decides it, after that Prog 1526 & 2008 letters are marked down for commonality value and after that reverse alphabetical order is used.



There you have it. Well done to Grant, Mike and Grant again. Hopefully the UK contingent can wrestle the title back from the colonists in 2008. This great campaign has overseen a sharp downturn in the number of letters printed but forget the quantity and feel the quality.  Next year we ask, nay demand:

Two out of three publications to have letters pages
A points system introduced to deter the influx of foreign mail that is watering down our sacred institution.
No less than 5 and no more than 10 letters an issue
Lettersentertainyou to be disbanded as unnecessary (!) within 6 months
I donâ??t know, tits or something.

Happy holidays and Grud bless us each and everyone.

I love this thread. I cannot be the only one who writes not to be in the comic, but to be on this thread

Well, that's a pleasant surprise.  I'm down with a horrible cold today, and this was a nice thing to find.  But I just counted, and the six that got printed came from sixteen letters sent.  And my son, poor guy, sent five letters with no success at all.  So maybe it's possible Tharg's got your points system in place already!

Well ding-a-ding-dong Happy 2008. OK we accept that we are a bit urgent in offering our salutations but sadly our editorial team has to desert these sunny shores to embark on a fact finding jaunt to New York. The main fact we are checking is the one regarding the maximum alcohol capacity of a 36 year old with a fixation on letters and Lulu. We also mean to investigate the American letter writing culture that dominated our fair pages in 2007. Weâ??ve also heard that there is a guy called â??Lettermanâ?? there and trust he will happily engage in hours of 2000ad missive based banter.

After last yearâ??s green shoots of recovery we aim to make 2008 the best letters year on record and to this end we have secured a massive £1000 in sponsorship. Sadly £950 of this has been spunked away on the NYC jaunt but that still leaves a mighty £50 up for grabs. We might even chuck in some fridge magnets too, but only if the hotdog man is giving them away for free.

To prevent a repeat of last yearâ??s shameful ballot stuffing a new points system is being introduced that will reward the real achievements and highlight the hangers on. The points system is as follows

Letter of the Week                                            : 5 Points
Standard Letter                                                 : 3 Points
Drawing/Photo/Computer Art etc.                    : 4 Points
Letter Published as Part of Non-Input Feature : 2 Points
Name Checked                                                  : 1 Point
Ro-Jaws Laugh-In Joke Published                    : 2 Points
Reader Profile Published                                  : 2 Points
Hidden Toilet Reference Published                  : 5 Bonus Points
KTT Awarded                                                   : 6 Bonus Points

Only the highest points won are added  except for bonus points which are granted in addition to the standard award. So if you get Letter of the week and make a toilet reference you get 10 points. If you only get a standard letter you get 3 points so donâ??t go moaning that you should get an extra one for the name check. Toilet references have to be in general usage and not simply vague mentions of brown, mud or Paolo Nutini. Claims should be made on this thread with contentious issues resolved using the three brown ball method as previously employed.

The Prizes are:

Most Points in Megazine   £10
Most Points in 2000ad              Â£10
Most Points Over Both             £20
Best Letter of Year                    Â£10

Multiple prizes can be won and it is possible for one scribbler to take home the whole $103, sorry 50 quid.

â??Letter of the Yearâ?? is in the gift of the Editors, but suggestions would be gratefully received. The winner will be insightful, funny or controversial or preferably all 3. In the event of a tie in any category the most Letters of the Week will determine the winner. If still tied an e-mail game, via this office, of Rock, Paper, Scissors will decide. All decisions are final and non-negotiable. Prizes have to be claimed on this thread as we donâ??t want the wealth going to non-readers - screw them and the horse they rode in on. In the event of Buttonman snuffing it or being incapacitated, or if either or both comics fold then you can all bugger off. Cash value of prizes 0.00001p; not valid where prohibited by law. Itâ??s Chinatown, Jake. Correspondence may be entered into but only if youâ??re a foxy chick.

MEGAZINE  No. 266

Right to the first business of the year which sees the Megazine Dreddlines page kick the year off with a bit of a face lift. Whilst we have moaned in the past of letters being hard to read when printed on a coloured background, this new white page is a bit bland and anonymous. The answer? Put them all in boxes, a bit like the fast facts the Sun puts in itâ??s â??Sun Spotâ?? page fillers. Despite a profusion of questions the management decided only one was worth answering and that was done with a Forrest Gump quote! Stupid is as stupid does indeed!

It seems that our 2007 year review (Page 15 on this thread, well worth a look) was taken to heart by the management, perhaps a bit too close. All the Yankee tea-chuckers have been exiled but so has everyone else apart from the English . 4 from 4 including one from Oxford the home of Dreddlines - câ??mon fellas thereâ??s good old discrimination and out and out xenophobia!

First of the year is Gary â??OJâ?? Simpson who celebrates his 5th offering today. This is his first Megazine outing and he was last seen in the pages of Prog 1545 in 2007.

Gary gives a good heartfelt tribute to the art of John Hicklenton, but his assertion that it should be published as it will be  unpopular seems the wrong side of metal. His conclusion that heâ??ll read anything John draws compounds his mania - you look at drawings, but read stories. Tell your orderly to tighten up the restraints!

Local lad Brian Denninger is up next and we wonder if heâ??s the tea boy in the Dreddlines office. Heâ??s also a fan of  Satanus but goes onto suggest that the generally accepted weak run for the Megazine has been â??truly greatâ??. The only truly great thing in this letter is the scale of sucking up! Brian is a long term reader and this is his second letter published in the Megazine. He was last seen in the dark days on Meg 167 (Vol 3 No 64) so maybe his comments are fair if heâ??s only got that one to compare it with.

Tom Davies makes his debut next and ends the Davies famine that stretches back to James in Prog 1267. It could be worse, the Davis clan havenâ??t been seen since Anthony scored a memorable double in 1993 in Progs 834 and 843. Tom is a small press fan but then goes on to moan about it. He does get some credit for a nice throwing up sequence but overall itâ??s poorly argued and dull stuff. The Megâ??s answer is shockingly dated and plainly a brush off. Quality control? Nah, someone will like it.

We round off with Mark Hunter who is no doubt still giddy after securing 18th spot in the 2007 table of letters with his score of  2. Heâ??s half way there already and is clearly one to watch. His common name is sprinkled across the letters beast so itâ??s hard to know which are his. We grant him all 3 of the â??Warringtonâ?? entries and heâ??ll have to provide evidence if he wants credit for the Durham, Oxford and e-mail ones.

His letter here could have done with some rampant editing as it meanders on for one and a third columns. He doesnâ??t say much of interest and itâ??s really just a flick through of the Meg as he sees it. Itâ??s a shame his Bolland question goes unanswered (bet itâ??s â??NOâ??) and at least heâ??s brave enough to describe the recent poor run as â??fallowâ?? - means shit doesnâ??t it?

So with the year underway and the carrots dangled we hope for a writing frenzy unseen since the Blue Peter â??Write a script for Grange Hillâ?? contest. Itâ??s a good start  with 100% of publications in 2008 sporting letters pages - how long can it last?

I think this is the appropriate spread.

In Cosmic 20008, letters an aussie is long time reader yadda etc;

He writes in hoping John Smith will write more stories, as John's worlds "don't just reflect 2007"

Imagine the betrayel in his face when Tharg neglects to tell him that 'Dead Eyes' will be set in some alternate present!

Huzzah to Buttonman for the most entertaining thread of '07 and for keeping the letters page alive, without which there would be no lettersentertainyou thread and you would now be staring at a blank white space.

In the season of good will to all, any big talk earlier on this here thread about not lasting the pace is forgotten as is favouritism in the scoring that would make an Estonian Euro-vision jury panel blush.

Remember, the pen is mightier than the sword.

Unless you are in a sword fight.

Or getting attacked by zombies.

In which case, if all you have is a pen then you are royally f***ked my friend.  

"Not sure if you got one in Krombasher or whether you are just happy that others didn't. Full letter details on the 'Writing to Tharg 2008' thread in 'Suggestions. "

How do. I'm here to hexplain myself.

Forgive if I am a little reclined, busy night, last night.

pwoo.

I'm saying 'Hurrah' at the chace to see fresh opinions. In fact the SHOPPING FUTURES letter is a stand out example of how I feel.

Fresh faces can mean fresh readers . Am I the only one who frets about buying my fave read in irrational fear of going  to the shop one day and its no longer in production?


Well I know there is a competion on and good luck to all.

I have to ask if new, writers fresh blood, as it were are allowed to join in?  

Or is this an online deal;?

"Not sure if you got one in Krombasher or whether you are just happy that others didn't. Full letter details on the 'Writing to Tharg 2008' thread in 'Suggestions. "

How do. I'm here to hexplain myself.

Forgive if I am a little reclined, busy night, last night.

pwoo.

I'm saying 'Hurrah' at the chace to see fresh opinions. In fact the SHOPPING FUTURES letter is a stand out example of how I feel.

Fresh faces can mean fresh readers . Am I the only one who frets about buying my fave read in irrational fear of going  to the shop one day and its no longer in production?


Well I know there is a competition on and good luck to all.

I have to ask if new, writers fresh blood, as it were are allowed to join in?  

Or is this an online deal;?

Oh.. It it appears I have dropped a seriously big bollock.

Sorry!

Is there anyway we can get the NEW thread running? Button?

Wake?

Hi Krom, a new thread has been started for 2008 - find it under 'competitions' or by following the link below.

All of course can enter with the boarders having the advantage of knowing the contest actually exists!

http://www.2000adonline.com/?zone=fan&page=messagethread&choice=21568&Replies=18

Link: Letters 2008

Well?

I am, thank you. Are you?

This is the equivalent of meeting an old friend after six years and greeting him with the words "you owe me a pint"

Quote from: The Enigmatic Dr X on 08 August, 2014, 08:19:20 AM
This is the equivalent of meeting an old friend after six years and greeting him with the words "you owe me a pint"

Unlike The 'Tenner' Cosh...