BorgMoose sequential pages: The Tempest

[BorgMoose]

Hooray, success!  Thanks guys!!!

[BorgMoose]

[BorgMoose]

[Hoagy]

You've got a great understanding of black and white work BorgMoose. Very filled those panels are. </yoda>

[BorgMoose]

Thanks for the comment mate.  Yeah, I need to have more dead-space in there for the dialogue and just so that it doesn't look so cluttered.  At least by doing a draft first I can figure out mistakes like this so that the finished work will look better.  Thanks for looking at my work!

[Hoagy]

Well, okay, but that's not what I meant. I think there's plenty going on in a non-confusing way. I like how each panel has a lot going on and filling my eye.

If that's "the Tempest" by Shakespeare, I also salute the scifi angle you've created. Something I've wanted to do but not had the guts to ever make happen.

[Jim_Campbell]

Yeah, I need to have more dead-space in there for the dialogue and just so that it doesn't look so cluttered.

The rule of thumb on this is: the top third of every panel should be dead space. Also, remember that the first speaker in each panel should be standing on the left.

Cheers!

Jim

[CrazyFoxMachine]

I like all the lines man - all them lines, I could eat them lines. Are you going to colour it up - ?

[BorgMoose]

Yeah, this is a 1950s sci fi version of Shakespeares The Tempest.  I have a friend in Sydney who wrote it and for some reason thought I would be able to illustrate it.  This is a draft so that I could work on the composition, characters and background.  This is the development stage with enough finish on it to give myself and any other viewer a descent idea of what the finished product will look like.  Any comments or criticism are most welcome as I need to figure out what it will take to turn this proto type into a professional piece that will get picked up.  The finished version will be coloured and inked.

[Paul_Ridgon]

The pages have some really good strengths but also a few flaws which are quite distracting.  Your storytelling seems quite strong, but it's hampered by poor angle choices in places.  All your panels seem to by drawn from a straight on or slightly above angle.  There are quite a few anatomy problems, and you've got some serious proportion issues, both in your figure work and perspective (page 2 panel 5 is a perfect example of this, the figures in the background seem to be on an entirely different plane to the foreground figures).

Your figures suffer from a stiffness too, they all look 'staged' kinda like the old photo strips that you used to get in girls magazines in the 80s (or in tabloid problem pages).  Also, your faces don't have a great deal of variation.  This may be a design decision, but if not, it would be nice to have them looking different.

Finally, your panel layouts are kind of awkward in places.  Pages 2 and 3, panels 1 and 2, there's no need for panles 1 to not sit on the same gutter as panel 2, there's nothing happening in the extraneous part of panel two, so adding a little extra depth the panel 1 couldn't hurt leaving a little more breathing room for dialogue (this is particularly important in page 3 where there's very little dead space in panel 1).  There's a similar thing with page 3 panels 3 and 4, as a layout it just looks a little muddled and is a little confusing.  I'm not saying that you should be sticking to a grid pattern layout, but if you're going to have oddly shaped panels have a reason for it and don't over use it.  Also, sometimes it's nice to not have a background in the panel, it's not necessary in every panel and it let's your figures breath a little.  Of course, if you're going for a claustrophopbic feeling in your page, overwhelming the panel with background will do this very nicely

This sounds very harsh and I don't mean it to.  If I had more time I'd go into more depth and give you a panel by panel breakdown but I've almost finished by lunch break now.  If I get time in the next day or two, I'll try and give a more in depth crit.

[BorgMoose]

Hey Phantom Artist,
You have my sincerest thanks for your critique of my work.  You candid honesty is what I need in order to progress my work to get it to professional standards.  I will look over what you have written so far and endeavour to make the necessary corrections.  I have taken notes of the flaws in my design and will get stuck into doing another version of these pages.  If you get a chance to do a more in-depth critique of my work I would be most grateful.  Thank you for your help so far,
BorgMoose