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Squaxx Telling Jokes

Started by The Legendary Shark, 22 November, 2014, 09:12:18 AM

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Dandontdare

Yay, the joke thread's back

man goes to the doctor with a chip up one nostril, a carrot up the other, gravy in his hair and peas behind his ear. The doc takes one look and says "I know your problem - you're not eating properly"

The Legendary Shark

When we were going around Tesco this morning my girlfriend came right out and accused me of being lazy. I was so upset I nearly fell out of the trolley.
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The Legendary Shark

My friend invited me 'round to meet his new Thai bride last night and she's absolutely gorgeous. I couldn't keep my eyes off her and kept thinking to myself, "don't get an erection, don't get an erection, don't get an erection..."

But, unfortunately, she did.
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Hawkmumbler

Why can't dinosaurs clap their hands?

[spoiler]Because they're all fucking dead.[/spoiler]

Tjm86


Hawkmumbler

An Irish man walks out of a bar.

Satanist

What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

[spoiler]Dr Dre[/spoiler]
Hmm, just pretend I wrote something witty eh?

Eamonn Clarke

When I was working in A&E I saw a chap who said he had been cleaning his house in the nude (as you do) and had slipped and a vibrator had gone up his arse (as they do).
I examined him and said:

"The bad news is I can't get it out, the good news is I've managed to put new batteries in for you."

Definitely Not Mister Pops

Which rock group has four members that can't sing at all?

[spoiler]Mount Rushmore[/spoiler]
You may quote me on that.

The Legendary Shark

I'm so embarrassed, I just got a letter from Screwfix. Apparently they're not a dating agency...
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Smith

A lord comes home early and hears some weird noises from the bedroom,so he call the butler.
-James,fetch me my sword.
He walks in,you hear a swoosh and a scream and he walks out.
-James,get a bandage for the gentleman and a corkscrew for the lady.

JayzusB.Christ

That took me a while, but i got there in the end. Sweet Jesus 😨
"Men will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest"

Smith

Quote from: JayzusB.Christ on 27 March, 2017, 11:30:53 AM
That took me a while, but i got there in the end. Sweet Jesus 😨

Tjm86

Quote from: Hawkmumbler on 25 March, 2017, 06:03:51 PM
An Irish man walks out of a bar.

Oh come on.  At least make it believable!

JamesC

I had a friend who used to fantasise about getting run over by a steam train.

When it finally happened he was chuffed to bits.