CROSSOVER CHAOS. The 2nd 2000AD Short Story Competition.

[Roger Godpleton]

THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED (463 words)

The junkie who turned out not to be a junkie and who had changed his name to Shane from Second City Blues and Cloud Strife were playing video games together. Shane recanted an amusing anecdote from the walk he had taken two days ago.

 Shane said "I was going through the park and I saw this couple practicing ballroom dancing on the grass."
Cloud replied "Why did you tell me that? I'm not interested in random crap that you see."
Shane replied "Fuck you. Oh what, am I just supposed to sit around while you masturbate to Ayn Rand pictures all day?"
Cloud replied "Oh for God's sake, I didn't even know who Ayn Rand was until you told me who she was."
Shane tried to change tack "Yeah so anyway, I thought it was pretty Joycean."
Cloud was having none of it "Is Joyce the only author you know?"
Shane ignored this jibe "Do you know what's happened to me twice, I've seen something that is about Joyce and then it turned out it was actually about Joyce Grenfall."
Cloud didn't know who Joyce Grenfall was "How am I supposed to know who that is?"
Shane didn't know either "I think she's some old lady. The first thing I saw had Maureen Lipman in it."

When Shane and Cloud played video games it was usually the case that Cloud won most of the time, but not today. Shane won his fifth straight game.

Shane was jubilant "AAAAAHHHHHH."
Cloud was livid. He leaped out of his seat and got right in Shane's face. He began frantically tapping his fingers against his own head. "The only reason you won is because my fingers feel like they're made out of concrete crete crete crete CRETE CRETE CRETE CRETE."
Shane had seen all of this before. "Oh great, we're back to this again."
Cloud tried to pretend he didn't know what Shane was talking about. "What?
Shane pressed on "You lost because you were tired. You lost because I was cheating by using arm shooting, and that justifies you spending half an hour pretending to shoot me in the arm and actually hitting me in the arm at one point because "THAT'S OBVIOUSLY HOW YOU GET AHEAD IN THE MODERN WORLD". You lost because your controller doesn't work properly. I win eight in a row, which leads to you declaring that we will continue playing until you have more wins than me, and then when you do eventually win 18-17, you moan about me losing deliberately..."
 
Cloud had gone downstairs and he was watching Sky News. Shane said he might pop into to the Supermarket on his way home.

When he got home, he sent Cloud a text.

"I didn't buy Quavers, I just went home."

[Roger Godpleton]

A Digression(283 words)

He wasn't needed.

It was always his way to get lost. Usually someone near by would be just as lost, and he would point them in the right direction, and then he would go back to dragging his feet through the ether. He admired the notion of free will, but never really took it seriously. Exchanging one destiny for another really wasn't that hard, but it always came back to one point.

His travels took him to a particularly grey reality. Of course there were plenty of variations on the same theme, but it was the same theme that could be found anyplace else. The only notable achievement this world made was in ordering it's transactions. You either went up or down. It never occurred to anyone that both sides could just switch if they wanted to, and so they were never able to pass each other.

He was sidetracked momentarily by what appeared to be an interesting gestalt. They were intended to be even more uniform than their surroundings but something had put paid to that, and now they were given colour. They were heading sideways, towards something else. They were in the middle, there for everything else to stumble upon in their inexorable journey to failure. It occurred to him that maybe everyone else could find their way up or down if they weren't around, but this was fanciful at best, the type of naval gazing he tried so studiously to avoid. He had far too much time for such debates, but not enough to waste.

Eventually they were going to find whatever it was they wanted or needed. He wasn't needed.

They didn't need for their travels to get stranger.

[strontium_dog_90]

Thanks for your kind words, Ozebane!

I read the comment that you could make multiple entries with glee, and did a couple of happy backflips across the room so here is my second attempt.

War Across Realities

With a final gurgle, the Nort died, blood cascading over his face inside his mask. Rogue stepped over him impassively, looking towards the distance, towards the genetic fortress where the enemy's new weapon resided.
   
Gunnar asked, 'what do you think he meant, Rogue?'
   
'I'm not sure. But it sounds serious.'
   
'So what do we do?'
   
'The same thing we always do. We attack.'

The last thing Tony Stark remembered was an after-hours party at a club. Now he was waking up in some claustrophobic, monolithic building with sterile grey walls, pinned to an operating table whilst strange robots made adjustments to his suit.
   
'To help you breathe, once you get outside,' a stranger's voice explained, speaking in an accent unfamiliar to Stark. 'The air here is different to your earth.'
   
'Where am I?'
   
No reply came. But his table was slowly tilted up until he was staring at a hellish landscape of craters and bombsites. He closed his eyes behind the mask, wondering if he had fallen off the wagon and was imagining this. But when he opened them, the nightmare remained.
   
'We took you from your reality, Stark, to help us win the war. You will destroy our greatest enemy, the Rogue Trooper.'
   
'I don't destroy on demand.'
   
'Then,' the voice told him, 'you die.'

As he tore through the guards, Rogue remembered the words of the Nort he'd caught: 'the scientists have stolen a great warrior from another world to destroy you. You will be no match for Iron Man.'
   
It was a pretty weird scheme. But the Norts were good at thinking those up.
   
'I can sense where matter from another dimension has met ours,' Helm told him. 'When you get inside the fortress, head for the third floor.'
   
'Wilco,' Rogue said. 'Let's kick some iron.'

By the time Rogue got the door, Stark had been injected with a temporary virus that filled him with bloodlust, and there was no reasoning with him as he launched himself at his foe.
   
Unfortunately, the missile that he fired from his suit was so strong that it tore the fortress apart, exposing everyone inside to the lethal Nu Earth air. Both of the fighters were separated in the chaos, too, and though Stark tried to find the Trooper, the injection soon wore off, and alone in the aftermath, he set about recreating the device that had brought him here, so he could return home.

The meeting had gone well, and Stark was relaxing in his office, enjoying the much fresher air of his home planet, when the dart flew through his window, narrowly missing his neck, eventually embedding itself in his table. Looking in the direction that it had come from, he saw a blue shape sprinting away.
   
Attached to it was a note. It read:
   
You think you're the only one who can use a reality teleporter, Iron Man?
   
I've come for revenge, and I'm pretty good at getting it.
   
Just ask the Traitor General.

[Mardroid]

I have an idea for a cross-over, but just a few questions first... (these things are related to the story idea.)

I understand that the midland area of (what was) Britain is pretty much devastated by nuclear fallout in Dredd's time.  Does this include as far north as Manchester?
Does Manchester exist in Dredd's world even? Is it populated?
Is the devastation just radiatioactive fall-out, (like in Chernobyl, but surrounding countryside looks normal otherwise) or is it desert like the Cursed Earth? Are there mutants? (I don't mean in just Manchester specifically here.)

I have done a search for these things, but so far I  have found very little as most stuff I've seen relates to the megacities like Brit-cit and Cal-hab. If there are any links to websites, etc, I'd appreciate it. If there's no information I'll take an educated guess and... make it up.

[Dandontdare]

I understand that the midland area of (what was) Britain is pretty much devastated by nuclear fallout in Dredd's time. Does this include as far north as Manchester?
Does Manchester exist in Dredd's world even? Is it populated?
Is the devastation just radiatioactive fall-out, (like in Chernobyl, but surrounding countryside looks normal otherwise) or is it desert like the Cursed Earth? Are there mutants? (I don't mean in just Manchester specifically here.)

Yes, Manchester has plenty of devastation and mutants.....oh, sorry you said in Dredd's time!

[Arachnid]

I understand that the midland area of (what was) Britain is pretty much devastated by nuclear fallout in Dredd's time.  Does this include as far north as Manchester?
Does Manchester exist in Dredd's world even? Is it populated?
Is the devastation just radiatioactive fall-out, (like in Chernobyl, but surrounding countryside looks normal otherwise) or is it desert like the Cursed Earth? Are there mutants? (I don't mean in just Manchester specifically here.)

I believe (correct me if I'm wrong) that the North has gone kind of feral by Dredd's time. I seem to recall something about the Geordie lclans of Nukecastle brewing radioactive brown ale, or something? Don't remember any direct mentions of Manchester, but extrapolating, I'd guess it's a ruined wasteland full of warring mutant tribes. So no change there then

Now, as regards one of my crossover ideas... does anyone know what happened to Cardiff?

[Mardroid]

Thanks! That makes sense.

[Roger Godpleton]

SHADALOO SHOWDOWN (483 words)

Colonel William F. Guile had been taken captive. He had come back from training with his brother in law who he respected even though he was an arrogant douchebag. That's what Guile was like. Even if you were an arrogant douchebag he would still respect you if you were good at your job, unless your job was to do bad things, and even then he might have some respect for you if you were good at your job. He had been ambushed by Vega, Balrog and Bison simultaneously.

He was now being tortured. Or at least they were trying to torture him.
"Hey, I heard someone was going to fuck me in the ass, when is this supposed to start? 'Cos at the moment it feels like a fly is flying in and outta there."
This flippant comment angered his torturer, and he stopped mid-stroke. Guile seized this opportunity, clenching his muscular cheeks so that his torturer's penis was ripped off. Guile then did an Anal Sonic Boom, propelling said appendage so it went through the torturer's skull. Guile pulled his trousers up and was about to leave when Vega was there. Suddenly Vega fell to the floor dead because Johnny Alpha had shot him in the back.

"You here to get me out?" asked Guile. Alpha replied
"No, I'm here to collect the bounty on M. Bison".

They gazed into each other's eyes and knew each other's stories. They had both lost a partner. They had both lost a friend. They were both fighters. They were both Street Fighters, it was just that Johnny fought on alien streets.

"Let's get him."
"Yes. Let's get him."

They fought their way through the Shadaloo compound. They killed a lot of Shadaloo mercenaries, Johnny with his Westinghouse and Guile with Sonic Booms and Flash Kicks. Johnny had a question.

"Why do you keep backing away?"
"I have to charge up the Sonic Boom. If you even think about thinking that I'm a pussy then I'll kick your ass."

Suddenly they came to a aircraft hanger and Dee Jay was there with a Jeep.
"Hey mon, I'm here to get you outta here". Johnny shot him. Guile asked Johnny a question.
"I've known for some time that Dee Jay was working for Bison but how did you know?"
"I didn't. I just really hate Jamaican people".

Then Bison was there. He looked angry. He did a really big Psycho Crusher. Guile and Alpha ducked out of the way. Alpha threw a Time Bomb, and when Bison came back out of time, the Earth's orbit had moved and now he was heading straight for the Sun. Johnny had been careful enough to ensure that Bison's beret had been left behind.

"I'm off now."
"Thanks for the help."

Guile looked at each other with a respect. Deep, longing, intense respect. Then Johnny Alpha left through a time/space portal.

[Roger Godpleton]

Have to make an amendment.

Guile and Johnny looked at each other with respect. Deep, longing, intense respect. Then Johnny Alpha left through a time/space portal.

[Kerrin]

More great stories!

I'll correct that for the voting thread Godpleton.

[Roger Godpleton]

Here it is folks, the long-awaited sequel to the story that started all of this, it's...

Batman/Judge Dredd VI: The Wages of S.I.N II: This time it's Per - S.I.N - al (500 words)

Batman was finishing his rounds for the evening when a time/space portal opened up behind him. Cassandra Anderson rode out of the portal on the reassembled Guthrie bike.

Batman was pleased to see her, but before he could say hello she kicked him in the balls. Then Guthrie charged and drove into Batman's balls. Batman knew why they were angry.

"It wasn't me ... who made Dredd ...  blow you up. It was ... Deadshot or someone in disguise." Guthrie was shocked. "My grud, Dredd murdered your parents in revenge." "Actually I knew he'd do that, so I kidnapped Vandal Savage and Ra's Al Ghul and made them dress up as my parents and I blackmailed Billy Batson into impersonating me." Anderson was relieved. "Well that makes sense." Batman wanted to get down to business, luckily Anderson sensed this because she was psychic and explained why they were there. "S.I.N is back and he's going to kill Selina Kyle AKA Catwoman."

Across town, Catwoman was back from the International Rope and Whip Tricks Competition where she had won first prize. She was pleased but she was also upset that Wonder Woman had been absent, and she felt like it was a hollow victory. Of course, when Wonder Girl had expressed such sentiments Catwoman took umbrage and had kicked her in the balls. Actually she kicked Wonder Girl in the vagina but her first instinct was always to go for the balls and she sometimes forgot to correct this when fighting women.

Suddenly S.I.N came out of an alleyway to attack her. Fortunately, Batman and company got there in time. Something was different about S.I.N. He was a robot. Guthrie was shocked. "I thought you hated robots and were racist against them." S.I.N smirked and spoke in a self-satisfied voice: "I've found recently that robots have certain ... advantages." He spoke to Guthrie. "You should join me in my new robot utopia."

Guthrie was tempted by this offer and was conflicted. He readied his weapons system and pointed guns at Anderson, Batman, Catwoman and S.I.N. "AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH WHICH DO I CCHHOOSSEE?" Guthrie's voice was full of anguish. Suddenly a small time/space portal opened and Dredd's face was visible on the other side. Dredd spoke "Guth, remember Minty." Guth remembered back to the time Minty bought him a hottie. That shaft of hot meat hadn't seemed like much but it made Guthrie felt loved. He knew he had to do the right thing and shot S.I.N made many times, this time he used bullets to spell "COCKNOSE" on S.I.N's chest.

Another crisis had been averted, and everyone said goodbye. Batman took Catwoman to Wayne Mansion where he had sex with her. He tenderly made love to her and when they had both had an equal number of orgasms they fell asleep in each other's arms. Anderson and Guthrie went back to Mega-City One. It had taken a long time but Guthrie was finally on the side of the angels again...

...OR WAS HE?

[longmanshort]

Here's my effort. And may Grud forgive me...


A gelflare bursts above me and I know I'm dead.
Sister Hope screeches Chuck Wesley hymns in my ear as I realise my back is on fire, suit microfilaments desperately spraying suppressing foam as Vatican chemscent arrays spurt globules of death across the gravel like Jovus Grud's own holy seed.
There is blasphemy here. This book, this despicable tawdry tome: I can feel its sin, heavy with guilt, full of dirty words you'd get a spanking for in Sunday School, you naughty boy! My blood is up and I give the filthy perverts a burst from the Ruler of Righteousness, fletchettes marked in millimetres and inches flicker into the dark and I imagine I hear a satisfyingly bloody gurgling.
Hope is now speaking in tongues, claiming St. Joey of Central Perk is ravaging her: I tone down the whispercom amid eruptions of laser-split pavement, sprint down a corridor glittering with a spider's web of lovewire. I graze one of them and my thighs tingle. I begin to... to have unnatural thoughts about Sister Hope... the way her hips stretch her suit... I think that perhaps it would be nice to stop and touch my... No! Impure thoughts! Guide me, oh Jovus, in the clear and pure way - cleanse my mind with thy Holy Scissors of godly censorship!
A slavering herd of Gadarene Swine barrels around the corner, an avalanche of sharpened trotters, muscles pulsing with stimshock. A Prayerbook takes out some, but still they come. Hope tells me they've found the Pope Mobile and she's breaking out the Divine Wind. Grud help us.
My cussgun makes short work of another Papist pig dog. This book, this sacrilegious slur, must be removed from the grip of the InterPoper - Jovus I can hear them panting...!
Cornered! Thick doors bar the way. Too slow, woman! Jovus Grud, help me in my hour of n... the swine, they should be on me by now, tearing at my virginal limbs. I turn and they... cower before me - seemingly unable to move, to approach the door.
Fortunately, I share not their reverence and break out the Psalmsaw. To the tune of 'Let Grud arise and smite his foe's backside', it sighs through the lock. Still they stand off. I smash through the door, slamming it behind me and there is... silence.
Blood thunders in my ears. The ground rocks slightly. Hope has set off the Wind, pray Grud she takes as many of the Swiss Bank Guard with her as possible.
Heavy shimmerblinds block out the light. All that is visible in the gloom is the glint of candlelight on long, white incisors.
'How frightfully splendid - Sister Faith, isn't it?' says the voice. As my eyes widen in the gloom, I see a man dressed in an elaborate dressing gown, ebony cigarette holder clamped between fearful teeth.
'I was just about to begin high tea,' he adds and, with an unnatural grin, proffers a triangle-cut cucumber sandwich.
'Care for a bite?'

[Roger Godpleton]

Well if I come second again then it's two straight moral victories for me.

[Kerrin]

That's some bloody good writing there Longmanshort, funny as hell. With a perfect punchline.

I'm going to have a deuce of a time deciding my votes again.

[strontium_dog_90]

Here's a third, just because I was wondering what a supervillain stranded in the future's deadliest city might get up to

Marooned in Mega-City One

Gunfire blazed, bullets sinking into the decayed wall inches from where his head had just been. Ignoring the order to halt, Chopper zoomed away, trying to steady his nerves, to keep control of the board.
   
Blitzing through Mega City was normally a breeze. But tonight was different. It had become so the moment he met Dr. Doom.
   
An H-Wagon cut in front of him, the oppressive face of Justice Department almost capsizing him. The board rolled over, and Chopper only just managed to grab its underside. Which brought him face to face with the bomb again.
   
Doom had planted it earlier, fusing it to the circuitry of the board. Chopper's foot had been chained to the board, and he had been given strict orders: free the Silver Surfer or die.
   
The Surfer was the people's newest hero – so naturally the Judges had made it their mission to cube him. Today, they had succeeded. But he held the key to Doom getting home. So he had forced Chopper to do his bidding.
   
I'm no hero, he thought. I don't want more trouble with the Law. But I don't want to die, either.
   
With that in mind, he flew towards the wagon escorting the Surfer to the cubes.

Ever since the cosmic explosion that had seen him and the Surfer marooned here, Dr. Doom had wanted nothing more than to return home. But now he wondered if he hadn't jumped the gun.
   
Just for something to do, he had put together an army of villainous robots and cyborgs, and he looked at his general now.
   
'What you looking at, huh? Ain't no one looks at me less'n I say they can!'
   
Ignoring this outburst (the latest of many), Doom gazed at the next machine. All it had once said was, 'tampering with a Mechanismo Unit is a serious offence, creep!' Now it was silent, but no less deadly, and under his command.
   
There was more, all awaiting activation or orders. But now, it seemed his latest tool had arrived, carrying the unconscious form of the Silver Surfer.

Chopper was ready to hand over his cargo. But when he saw the deadly group that Doom had set up, he changed his mind.
   
Better I die than let loose this evil on the city, he thought, and charged Doom.
   
The deranged Doctor went to detonate the bomb. But just as he did so, the Surfer woke and shouted, 'board, to me!' and as Chopper watched, trying to ignore the flashing of his life before his eyes, a silver board appeared and flew through the chain, shattering it, letting him loose. He fell, and his board hit Doom as it became a fiery inferno, and the explosion sent him hurtling out of the high window.
   
Chopper said, 'thanks' in the only way he could: by challenging the Surfer to a race.
   
Far below, a passing robot was compelled to pick up the smouldering carcass that he found lying on the street.
   
His name was Call-Me-Kenneth.