Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
 

Author Topic: SHORT STORY VOTING THREAD WITH PRIZES!!!! (About time too)  (Read 665 times)

Bad City Blue

  • Member
  • Prog Stacking Droid
  • ***
  • Posts: 601
    • View Profile
SHORT STORY VOTING THREAD WITH PRIZES!!!! (About time too)
« on: 04 January, 2018, 12:29:00 pm »
Hello Earthlets

Boragg thong and all that shite.

I've been a bit absent so apologies for not sorting the voting thread for the last comp of 2017, but 2018 will see it all continue as it would be cruel not to encourage some of the amazing efforts we get every time.

Personally, the experience of writing in this comp helped me write a couple of Dredd scripts soon to be published in the small press, and our own Mike Carroll started here as well.

Without the writers there's no comic, so let's keep feeding the creative monsters!

Anyway, here's the entries, each of which had to finish on a punchline ("Every dog has his day" was banned).

Vote for your top 3 and I will scab some prizes from the Rebellion basement for the winner and one voter.

Seeya nerks

-------------------------------------------------------------

The Legendary Shark

When Saturday Comes


The name's Saturday. Joe Saturday. I used to be a chronocop. But that's all in the future now. My ex-partner, who's going to be my friend, is trying to kill me. His name is Thursday. Ed Thursday. He has a gun. A big gun. He's pointing it at my head.

"'Bye, Joe," he says. He talks in short sentences. We both do. It saves time.

"Don't do it, Ed," I say.

He holds up a calendar. It's marked with crayon. "Already did," he says.

His trigger finger tightens. I sweat.

There's a flash. It goes "FWARP." A man appears. He has weird eyes and an even bigger gun.

"Alpha," he says. "Here to help you. Get you away. Enlist your skills at the Doghouse."

I hide behind him. I'm relieved.

"FWARP." Another flash. Another mutant appears. He has a weird face and a big hat. "Rot you, Alpha," he says. "You got Saturday but I get Thursday. He's coming with me."

"FWARP." He disappears with Ed.

I look at Alpha. "What gives?"

"Time job," he says. "Need your expertise. Styx just made it a race."

I nod. We go.

I guess every day has his dog.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Napalm Kev

Did he want Fries with that?


Due to the ineptitude of a Justice Department Psychiatrist, Mean Machine Angel has been paroled into a work release programme.


Mean glared down at the Juve and handed him his No: 46 - Hot Munce wings with Mock-Choc sauce. "Thank you, Sir." He resisted the urge to leap across the counter and 'Bok' the Spug into oblivion. Staying out of the Cubes was his main concern... for the moment. "Enjoy your meal!"

"Yeah, Drokk you, Slaphead!" The Juve walked away laughing and the queue shuffled forward. A family of four were next.

"Welcome to 'Masticators'. How can I help?"

"Well, for starters I want two 'Juve-Meals' wit-"

"I'm sorry, sir. When placing your order you have to quote the meal number. Juve meals start at number 75 and end at 155." Mean could feel the rage smouldering within.

"Oh, ok." He scanned the board "Can I have a 75 and a 77, Fattie-Size-

"I'm sorry ,sir. Here at 'Masticators' we don't like to use language that may offend-" Drokk you, Spughead, he thought to himself and again resisted the urge to leap the counter. He knew he was on the verge of losing it. Big time! "Standard size is 'Slender', 'Fattie' is Large, and we also have a Mega-size which is called 'Face full'"

The guy sighed. "Right then, I'll have a 75 and a 77, Large. My wife would like a 69 with extra sausage, Large."

Mean was about ready to go Nuclear "And for you, Sir?"

The guy licked his lips "I'll have a 'Face full' of number 4!"

BOK!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

IAMTHESYSTEM
Numbers Up.

The world runs on numbers, so Vince McGuffin counted the seconds as the clock outside Fulcrum Publishers Chief Editors office passed 4:55 PM.  He'd pitched his idea despite annoyance from the seniors gathered around the office's dingy table. A Junior Staff Writer like Vince proposing anything was laughable too them, but the Chief said he'd scrutinise it carefully.

'Pre-millennial tension.' Vince recalled himself saying to his sceptical colleagues, 'and the success of this recent Film called 'Star Wars' meant younger readers were primed to accept a new product, my suggested science fiction based comic strip!'

Groans and catcalls engulfed the Editors room at his proposal, but the Chief Editor wanted a 'private discussion' with the Seniors, and so Vince had found himself outside in the dark corridor. The clock's minute hand click on to nearly 5:00 PM. Other Numbers would now decide his project the cold, hard arithmetic of commerce. Even the proposed comics name was a number, and Vince recalled the undisguised contempt amongst the editors after he'd spoken it aloud.

'2000 AD?!' one snorted with derision. 'Load o' cobblers!'

Suffice to say the Junior writer received no financial breakdowns or fancy sales graphs. No, instead the Chief Editor ordered him inside, then thrust a slip of paper into Vince's Hand with a recognisable if damning number printed on it.

P45.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Eamonn Clarke


Joking Time

A man walked in to a bar. “Ow!”

On the counter a 12 inch man was playing a tiny piano. The guy next to me started to explain how he met a genie who granted wishes.

I lost interest when a small ghostly dog walked in holding its severed tail in its mouth. The barman took the tail and with a few drops of glue reattached it to the translucent terrier who wagged it cheerfully as the barman pointed to a sign that read “Licensed to retail spirits.”

A horse walked up and the barman asked “Why the long face?”

Next to me a gorilla complained about the amount he had been charged for a pint.

A group of surrealists holding fish and a step ladder walked past. “Don’t mind them,” said the barman, “they’re just here to change the lightbulb.”

I ordered a Crocodile beer and asked him to make it snappy. He brought me my drink and asked for a double entendre, so I gave him one.

A woman beside me said “Hi, handsome, what’s long, hard and full of semen?”

“A submarine.” I brushed her off and turned to meet my contact.

“Agent Fraud, you’re looking well. What’s long, brown and sticky?”

I gave the expected code response, “A stick. What’s going on, Young?”

“Haven’t got the joke yet? We’re in a Jocularity. A nexus point of humour, a collapsing wave equation of bad gags. We have to knot up the ravelled sleeve of care and then move onto the next prime location in our exploding clown car.”

“This isn’t Agency work, what do we know about humour?”

“You wrote a treatise on the meaning of jokes, Fraud. I read it to my students and they slept like babies. Screaming and covered in their own excrement.”

In a corner of the room Holmes and Watson were explaining the riddle of the missing tent. I’d heard it before and another listen would be too tense. Around us the humour became much cruder. A blue shift if ever I heard one.

Something large and menacing moved in the rafters above us.

“Is that a blind dinosaur?”

“Do you think he saw us?”

“What the hell are those things?”

“Time flies.”

“Like an arrow?”

“No, these ones prefer a banana. Watch out for the skin. Whoops. Let me help you up.”

A woman holding a penguin said “He’s already been to the zoo so I’m taking him to the pictures instead.”

“Whatever you’re going to do you better do it soon, Young.”

“Almost ready, we’re approaching the gag response point now. Wait for it.”

A man rushed in “Guys, you’ve gotta come outside, the chicken says he’s finally figured it all out!”

Young called “Now!” and there was a popping sound as all the laughter died. We were done.

“Another successful case for Fraud and Young. Now how does our old joke go?”

“Neurotics build castles in the sky, psychotics live in them ...”

“And psychiatrists collect the rent!”

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Heath C Ackley

DEATH BY MAU MAU

JUSTICE DEPT. AUDIO FILE 78365B
EXCERPT FROM HELMET MIC RECORDING OF JUDGE T. GUZMANN

MUGLINS:  'Terrible!'

GUZMANN: 'What happened at the Jaw-Acher Club last night
                  Muglins?'

MUGLINS:  'A jumper with big pockets!'

GUZMANN: 'What happened to those twelve missing citizens?'

MUGLINS:  'No eyed deer!'

GUZMANN: 'Something tells me creep that you're not taking this
                  interview seriously.'

MUGLINS:  'Shark infested custard!'

(GUZMANN SIGHS)

GUZMANN: 'What do you call an ex-comedian caught with the
                  property of twelve missing citizens?'

(PAUSE 2 SECS)

GUZMANN: 'What, no punch-line? I'll tell you - guilty. Who's
                  responsible for these disappearances?'

MUGLINS:  'Gohan.'

GUZMANN: 'Gohan who?'

MUGLINS:  'Gohan be a long night Judge!'

GUZMANN: 'Right, that's it!'

(SOUND OF PATWAGON DOOR OPENING)

GUZMANN:  'Who the hell are you?'

(SOUNDS OF A STRUGGLE)

(GUZMANN SHRIEKS)

(SQUELCHING NOISE)

(POPPING SOUNDS)

(HISSING)

(FLATULENCE)

(MUFFLED SOBBING)

MUGLINS: 'We are The Aristocrats!

------------------------------------------------------------------------


So there you have it - a small selection.

New comp coming soon so feel free to include suggestions for a topic with your vote

BCB

The Legendary Shark

  • Member
  • Bionic Fingers
  • *****
  • Posts: 8576
  • Tip: Sharks only attack you if you're wet.
    • View Profile
    • the_sharkpool blog
Re: SHORT STORY VOTING THREAD WITH PRIZES!!!! (About time too)
« Reply #1 on: 04 January, 2018, 12:49:56 pm »
1st - Joking Time

2nd - DEATH BY MAU MAU

3rd - Did he want Fries with that?

Good stories, chaps!
Next comp suggestion, "Mix 'n' Match."


Eamonn Clarke

  • Member
  • Posting Machine
  • ***
  • Posts: 1867
    • View Profile
    • Mega City Book Club
Re: SHORT STORY VOTING THREAD WITH PRIZES!!!! (About time too)
« Reply #2 on: 04 January, 2018, 03:51:29 pm »
1. When Saturday comes (TLS)
2. Death by Mau mau (Heath C Ackley)
3. Did he want fries with that? Napalm Kev

good work, chaps



NapalmKev

  • Member
  • Posting Machine
  • ***
  • Posts: 1110
  • No Beans Man! Cheers!
    • View Profile
Re: SHORT STORY VOTING THREAD WITH PRIZES!!!! (About time too)
« Reply #4 on: 07 January, 2018, 08:18:50 pm »

1. IAMTHESYSTEM

2. Legendary Shark

3. Eamonn Clarke

Great stuff, guys.

Cheers

Timothy

  • Member
  • Sentient Tea Bot
  • **
  • Posts: 443
    • View Profile
Re: SHORT STORY VOTING THREAD WITH PRIZES!!!! (About time too)
« Reply #5 on: 09 January, 2018, 09:46:48 am »
1. Napalm Kev
2. Legendary Shark
3. IAMTHESYSTEM

A small but perfectly formed selection.

IAMTHESYSTEM

  • Member
  • Battle Hardened War Robot
  • ****
  • Posts: 3198
    • View Profile
Re: SHORT STORY VOTING THREAD WITH PRIZES!!!! (About time too)
« Reply #6 on: 09 January, 2018, 10:12:58 am »
1: The Legendary Shark.

2:Napalm Kev.

3:Eamonn Clark.

Goody Comp.
“You may live to see man-made horrors beyond your comprehension.”

http://artriad.deviantart.com/
― Nikola Tesla

james newell

  • Member
  • Sentient Tea Bot
  • **
  • Posts: 421
    • View Profile
Re: SHORT STORY VOTING THREAD WITH PRIZES!!!! (About time too)
« Reply #7 on: 10 January, 2018, 12:00:04 am »
1 When Saturday Comes

2 Napalm Kev

3 Did he want Fries with that

Bad City Blue

  • Member
  • Prog Stacking Droid
  • ***
  • Posts: 601
    • View Profile
Re: SHORT STORY VOTING THREAD WITH PRIZES!!!! (About time too)
« Reply #8 on: 11 January, 2018, 10:29:46 am »
1st - Joking Time - Eamonn

2nd - DEATH BY MAU MAU - Napalm Kev

3rd - Did he want Fries with that? - Heath

I thought Eamonn's story was damn near perfect, to be honest. Kev definitely hads the best punchline, and Heath just made me giggle with the end line, although you have to know what the frak it is to appreviate it.

Next we're having a special prize so get youir Dredd thinking heads on.

Heath C Ackley

  • 2000AD Creator
  • Sentient Tea Bot
  • *****
  • Posts: 491
  • formally ZippoCreed
    • View Profile
Re: SHORT STORY VOTING THREAD WITH PRIZES!!!! (About time too)
« Reply #9 on: 11 January, 2018, 04:41:15 pm »
1) Napalm Kev     https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=rtxbM7-jAD0

V funny well done mate.

2) The Legendary Shark

3) Eamonn
"Give a man a mask and he will give you the truth."

Echidna

  • Member
  • Sentient Tea Bot
  • **
  • Posts: 289
    • View Profile
Re: SHORT STORY VOTING THREAD WITH PRIZES!!!! (About time too)
« Reply #10 on: 11 January, 2018, 11:17:15 pm »
1st: The Legendary Shark - When Saturday Comes
2nd: Napalm Kev - Did he want Fries with that?
3rd: Eamonn Clarke - Joking Time

Thanks for the chuckles, guys!

Brian Corcoran

  • Member
  • Sub Basement Sewer Unit
  • *
  • Posts: 58
    • View Profile
Re: SHORT STORY VOTING THREAD WITH PRIZES!!!! (About time too)
« Reply #11 on: 12 January, 2018, 10:23:38 am »
1: The Legendary Shark - When Saturday Comes
2: Eamonn Clarke - Joking Time
3: Napalm Kev - Did he want Fries with that?

Well done all

Jacqusie

  • Member
  • Sentient Tea Bot
  • **
  • Posts: 454
    • View Profile
Re: SHORT STORY VOTING THREAD WITH PRIZES!!!! (About time too)
« Reply #12 on: 13 January, 2018, 04:07:27 pm »
Nice selection:

1. When Saturday comes - The Legendary Shark
2. Numbers Up - IAMTHESYSTEM
3. Did he want fries with that?  - Napalm Kev

I'd like to see Part two of When Saturday Comes... the mind boggles!  :)

Albion

  • Member
  • Evil Cyborg
  • ****
  • Posts: 2362
    • View Profile
Re: SHORT STORY VOTING THREAD WITH PRIZES!!!! (About time too)
« Reply #13 on: 15 January, 2018, 08:05:26 am »
1. Napalm Kev
2. The Legendary Shark
3. Eamonn Clarke
Dumb all over, a little ugly on the side.