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Yeah, like you're upon your emoticons Tom! You think 'LOL' is ' Liniment on Leg'.

[Prog 2291]

Man, it's hot. It's so hot that when we were out to buy ice poles we saw an old woman unbutton the top button of her duffel coat. It's so  hot that the sauna in Bangkok that Alan Partridge saw Debbie Harry feeding vindaloo to Pan's People in, burnt down. It's certainly too hot to be writing a half-baked and unread letters  review column for sure. Hmm, maybe the heat will make it full baked...

Anyway, we return after an overlong delay of 9 letters free Progs. Still it gives us time to get that community service done. Tharg treats us to a mighty seven letters in this Prog 2291 offering, but are these hot to trot or as cold as a witch's tit? It's gonna be the second one for sure!

Letter of the week comes from Seth Barclay. We can't always bank on Seth for quality content, with this being his debut offering. He does however keep our interest and promises not to be overdrawn on laughs or insight. All time Barclay banker is Kevin of Aberdeen who has a total of three, all of which appeared in 1995, with his last offering being seen in Prog 962.

As we know Tharg likes American things now and Seth's letter is a gift from the Green Gods. Seth started late, but has now caught up with the Progs and loves everything apart from 'Big Dave' - which we liked, actually. Sexy Di & Fergie for one. Dave promises we'll hear from him again - hopefully his next letter will be found, unlike all those weapons of mass destruction that they promised us!

Second to bat is Derek Hamill  of 'What's it called?' Cumbernauld. We think we know Derek and he goes by the nom de guerre of ' The Flatulent Dr X' or something. Didn't let on he was from Cumbernauld though -  probably wise. Derek hides his light under a bushel somewhat (saves the Kildrum crew from nicking it I guess) as he is on his 8th letters outing here. His first was way back in 1995's Prog 937 and he hasn't been seen since Prog 1552 in 2007.

Derek doesn't like 'Brink' and says it's boring. Fair enough but does he have to go on and on about it? For five long paragraphs he tells us that it's dull, without purpose, or drive or momentum...God that was boring!  Tharg does his predictable offering of threats - don't question things kids or a man in a mask may stick a rocket up your arse!

Robin Kirby of Emailland up next and this could be a debut - but we don't think so. Rob Kirby of Hitchen lays claim to three letters the last of which was seen in 2020 in Prog 2172. The letters adjudication committee has decreed that Robin has found his inner frog and embraced his red breasted heritage, so it's four for the green guru! Hurrah!

Robin, unlike Dr X, has no complaints about 'Brink', apart from an unrealised cover tease. He makes a poor 'brink' pun before saying he hopes 'Hope' doesn't have more photo referenced characters. We hope he doesn't fall from his seat halfway down the stairs!

A familiar face next in the shape of Tristan Louth of Essex who was seen in the last letters page published in Prog 2282. His total is now a mighty 22 and this sees him move up the all time chart to 13th=, a tie he shares with Alex Frith. This move plummets old stager Tom Proudfoot to the no man's land of 15th. Tristan has 3 published letters this year and is as hot as the weather and his Mum off 'George and Mildred'.

Tristan is a true fan boy who loves everything and why not? He says Dredd has "tonnes of intrigue"  forgetting that we are now out of the E.U. and it should be 'bushels of intrigue' . He likes 'Fiends', loves 'Brink' and is mad for 'Hope' - take that previous correspondents!

Sepia toned Australian drama next in the shape of Martin Sullivan of Ireland. Martin hits us for six with this offering, his first since Prog 2230 in 2021. He was first seen in Prog 2014 in 2017 and all his letters have appeared in the Prog.

Martin conveys well some thoughts we ourselves had about 'An Honest Man' thanks for saving us a stamp. It's true the bad judge reverted to form in double quick time and the only loss was the investment we had in a character who was a wrong 'un all along.

Not long to go now! The last lap starts with Craig Grannell of Hants who is one of the current heavy hitters, letters speaking. This is Craig's 29th offering and it moves him up the all time charts to 8th= with long-term absent scribe Alan Holloway. Craig celebrates his 25th Prog letter here and a footprint that goes all the way back to Prog 1089 in 1998.

Craig keeps it brief, so shall we - he likes the latest Dredd 'An Honest Man' and thinks it looks like a Wagner / Bolland collaboration. Not much insight there, but he likes it and so did we.

Right it's time for the Funnell bit at the end in the shape of Darren Funnell of Lymington. This is actually quite the appearance given it is Darren's second with his first happening all of 37 years ago in Prog 409 in 1985. Is it the same guy? We're saying yes given his Funnell name. This is possibly the longest gap between letters ever seen, but it's well beyond our database filtering skills to be definite on that.

Anyway better get some ship puns in. Funnell weighs anchor and sets  course to the predictable harbour of 'liking thrill power'. he steams along briefly before hitting a sandbank that is te end of the page.

Overall it was good to see a lot of letters which covered several topics and which all disagreed with each other. Keep 'em coming!

And you kept it on proud display? Where, dare I ask, are the knickers? Over your knackers?

They are encased in the frame with the photo lest her heavenly odour brings all the boys to my yard.

Oh God, don't get him started on that....

Hoooold on.

Tell us about the signed Anne Robinson photo.

Shut it Dare.

Well spotted Dr X. I may have mentioned that I once appeared on (and won) the TV excitement that was 'Weakest Link' - no 'The' by my time.

I may have let it slip at the office once because my Secret Santa one year delivered said photo of the lovely Anne. It came in a frame with a pair of knickers, supposedly from the ginger fox, along with a note saying she had the hots for me, which I believe to be genuine.

[Prog 2282]

Annnd we're back once again, but we can't stop unfortunately as there is some football match happening later and we need to get the rubber sheeting down. Not to worry, it looks like a run of the mill letters page. Yeah, normal, not much to see ...Whoa! Hold the press!

We start off the Prog 2282 letters in the company of the only first time writer on display this week. Of course that means that Alistair Jeffreys of Ipswich secures the Letter of the week berth. This is only the 19th letter to see print from The Tractor Boys and they are a long way behind eternal rivals Norwich who boast 68. 31 of these are from Michael Crouch but they are still taking a kicking, even with Mr Sofa's contribution discounted. The top Ipswich writer is Simon Hedge on two - he may have written more but has possibly set them to privet.

Alistair's letter is a nice love letter to the Prog with 'Brink', the Dredd and Dylan Teague all being lauded. It's all a happy event until Tharg goes and mentions 'Skip Tracer' and ruins the vibe!

Next up it's the 18th time we've used our 'Browning version' joke so that must mean it's the latest missive from Chris Browning of Todmorden. This effort rockets Chris up The Beast leader board to the heady heights of 16th equal. Chris has an uneven 15/3 Prog to Meg split and only has one Letter of the Week trophy to call his own. He is consistent and has had at least one letter in the Prog for every year since 2015, his last being in 2021's Prog 2252.

Chris likes the Prog and its power to allow him to escape from a senseless world. He enjoys most thrills but doesn't like the realistic art in 'Hope'. We hope he finds an escape from this stark reality soon, and suggest he speaks to the man in the park by the swings, if he wants to zone out entirely!

Off to the Orient now in the company of Chris Doherty of Japan. There have been 74 letters with 'Japan' given as the address in Tharg's publications with a Mr Kermode claiming 59 of those - his remaining offerings came from 'Tokyo', 'Australia' and the exotic realm of 'email'. This is Chris' 4th letter, his first being back in 2010 where he treated us to his 'Dredd hat'. He then took a long sabbatical before delivering a quick one-two in Progs 2234 and 2242 in 2021.

Chris starts poorly with his letter opening of "first off" - what else would it be? Thirdly? Chris describes his life as 'monotonous' and  'boring' - he should try living in Paisley! He then asks for an extended series about hamsters making us wonder if he got to the man in the park first? The letter reads like random thoughts being dragged out with no narrative flow or cohesion. We hate that. Lemon tart for lunch. Wonder if Roofe will start...

Next to last is our old pal Tristan 'Fourmile' Louth of Chelmsford who earns his 21st Beast entry with this offering his second of 2022 following his Prog 2274 debut. This score takes him up the charts to 14th=, a tie with old (and we mean very old) stager Tom Proudfoot. Tristan was first seen in 1996's Prog 1002 in 1996.

Tristan gives Tharg the chance to promote his social media offerings with an offer of thanks to the droid concerned. Tristan piles up his Progs and doesn't want spoilers to stories that he has yet to read. That's fine for the rest of us too then! Some people read every week and like to see how things are developing. If Tristan had his way there would just be a holding page saying 'Coming soon : Dan Dare'. At least Tharg doesn't go down his usual route of warning about thrill power overloads and  just plugs his merch instead.

Last up is the familiar face of Stephen Watson of Paisley who secures his 102nd Beast credit with this offering. This is actually significant (!) as it means he now has 51 in both the Meg and the Prog. That's certainly one in the eye for those who say Meg letters are easier due to the Bishop deluge of the 90's. The longstanding Prog record of 53 is now in Watson's sights and in an exclusive interview with this organ he said "Please can I stop soon, I'm very tired" Watson's letters footprint is now a massive 34 years and he doesn't consider it a wasted life at all.

His letter here is a heartfelt eulogy to Garry Leach and Tharg was kind enough to print a copy of the page referred to in the letter. However, as an exclusive we obtained the snap below of the page in situ in his den - just before we made our excuses and left. Watson has have several letters printed that relate to recently deceased droids. This isn't a niche market he's harvesting; he tells us it's just what motivates him to write when a hero or icon shuffles off this mortal coil. Hope not to see him for a while then!



All in all a good page with the newbies rightly kept to a minimum. We don't need their sort here!

So sorry to hear this. My only piece of original art is a page from Garry's classic 'Night of the Bloodbeast'. I met him at the UK Comic Con in the early 90's and told him I had it and he reminisced about the old page with his pal Steve Dillon, who was sitting next to him in the auditorium before the Eagle Awards were announced. Two of my earliest icons now gone and far too soon. Rest easy Garry.

Had to look that up - apparently the Magnum Centre closed five years ago!

Stop being so temporal - the once and forever Magnum Centre exists in the minds of all who had their lunch money taken from them in its shady halls!

[Prog 2274]

In tribute to current Dredd thrill 'The Citadel' Lettersentertainyou brings you 'The Postbox' a fast paced adventure that will bring thrills and excitement and no shortage of surprises. It has already been hailed as the best LETTERSENTERTAINYOU ever - even better than that lettuce themed one if anyone remembers that? No? Well it had letters based lettuce puns and they were just the tip of the iceberg.

We'll get to the excitement of 'The Postbox' soon, but we have of course our contractual commitment to address, namely having a look at the letters printed in Prog 2274. This means we've only had two fallow weeks between letters pages and it either means that Tharg is ramping up the letters quotient or that ad for the Swansea Comic Con fell through at the last minute.

Our trip to 'The Postbox' begins with the excitement palpable. We don our Skechers and head out into the dark foreboding morning. But wait; we've forgot to bring that Mother's day card  that we need to post - I'll just nip back and get it.

The letters page starts off with the Letter of the Week which is from first time writer Pat Draper of Nottingham. I wonder if he bought a second class return to get there? It's curtains for Mr Draper early on as he goes down  a themed path that can bring joy to no one. "'The Citadel' is actually a tune by The Rolling Stones" he offers and proceeds to pepper his letter with random songs that make no sense and are shoe-horned in mercilessly.

The Stones song isn't even called 'The Citadel', it's just 'Citadel'. 'The Citadel' is actually a novel by A.J. Cronin so if Pat was looking for a correct theme he could have said  'My 'Three Loves' (1932) in the Prog are 'The Keys to the KINGDOM' (1941), JUDGE 'CHILD of Compassion' (1940) and 'Enchanted SNOW/TIGER' (1941) . It wouldn't be funny or make any sense but at least it would be accurate!

With Mum's card in hand we're ready to head to The Postbox and the adventures we will no doubt find there. But buggeration, the cat's puked on the sofa and that's going to stain. Just give me two minutes...

Next up is familiar face Tristan 'Fourmile' Louth' of Essex who 'scores' his 20th letter with this offering. Tris, can I call you Tris?, was first spotted way back in Prog 1002 in 1996 and he consolidates his 15th spot on the all time Beast scoreboard with this effort. He is now only one letter behind old, and we mean old, stager Tom Proudfoot. Tris hails from Chelmsford and has a Prog to Meg ratio of 13:7.

Tris' letter is a throwaway birthday message and he says Tharg has almost had as many years beyond 2000ad as he's had before it. Not really true there Tris and you are stealing the thunder of someone who had that nugget planned for the 46th birthday Prog. Never mind, at least he sounds jolly despite that terrible Walter the Wobot idea.

OK, we're ready to roll, and roll we shall - towards excitement. I just need to set the video for 'Bargain Hunt' though, so if you could just bear with me - the trip to The Postbox will be worth it - guaranteed!

In middle place we have Jon Hymus of email. Literally nothing to work with here. No other 'Hymus'es  and too many Jon, Johnny and Jonathans to be bothered with. It is Jon's first letter though and we're glad to have him. Or are we?

Jon starts with the tired old 'mighty organ' line. If he likes poor vaguely sexual puns he's going to be called 'Hymen' from now on. Jon is enthusiastic and gives Tharg a chance to plug his encyclopaedia despite pointing out major omissions.

With the jacket on and the door open we are heading to The Postbox (can you see where this is going yet?) but it's recycling day and someone has put the plastics in the paper bin. I just need to sort this out. Be there in a jiff...

Tharg clearly likes American things now as we get two letters from the colonies to finish out the page. Both are new scribes with the first being the pairing of Heavy and Johnny. They have not teamed up before, to the Beast's knowledge, although we do have several pieces of reader art along the lines of 'Tharg the Heavy Rocker' (Prog 182), 'Heavy Duty Riot Droid' (Prog 202) and 'He must have had a heavy night on the sauce' - the rest of them.

The surprise here is that it took two people to write the letter which mentions 'The Cursed Earth' twice inside the first paragraph. With their 'A' material used up the lads discuss how they have bonded and enjoy a good fight over the Prog - it's a lovely tale, well until they break out the guns over  who likes Proteus Vex the most. They also want a return to 'Red Road' a desire the residents of Springburn would no doubt offer up to them, no questions asked.

OK. The door is locked and the path to The Postbox is clear. Excitement rises as this highly anticipated encounter draws close. It's bound to be worth the wait; but did we put off the cooker after heating our Super Noodles? Best check...

We close out with the webslinger himself Eddie Webb of Stateside USA. Eddie is another first timer, but one who joins a website of Webbed people who now number 9. The first was Anton back in Prog 95 in 1979 and the last, before Eddie, was Jennifer of Carshalton in Prog 1100.

Eddy was timid about subscribing but is now glad that he did. He sees art imitating life as his hearing implant may soon be closed down by the corporations. Actually it's a failing corporation that's his problem so maybe we should be supporting our industry titans? Hope it all works out Eddy and you hear all of the cheers our big denouement is bound to attract.

With the letters sorted it's time to face... The Postbox. Ah shit we're out of time. Five steps to get there and we've only just arrived!

Loving 'The Citadel' too!

If you delve into the past of this thread and its forbearers many of the creator's letters have been displayed. Alas many fell foul of the Photobucket demand for cash! They can all be found in the Online Beast - Link in the first post of this thread.

[Cannon Fodder]

Oh Sadie, if only you knew. Cannon Fodder for me.

[Prog 2271]

We're back...but for how long? Yes your favourite letters blog is under attack from the forces of good taste and from the mechanised advanced brigades of  'The London Review of Letters'. The phoney war is now over and the battle is underway with puns, grammar and sitcom references all under threat from the pervading forces of measured criticism and informed debate.

We will keep broadcasting for as long as possible and start off with the Letter of the Week from Prog 2271 from Sean McFedries of Irvine. We know Irvine - they have a sports centre named after an ice lolly - that's the kind of knowledge you don't get from our better read, would be overlords. Sean is a first timer and only the second writer to hail from Irvine. To be honest we are surprised that there are two people from there who can write, but these are strange times.

The Irvine debutant was Neil McAvoy who charmed us with his 'Tharg Wogan' in Prog 325 in 1983, so it Sean may actually be the only person who can write in the north Ayrshire backwater after all. Sean's letter is his first but it would appear that he has been bugging Tharg for many years to get his Dad a KTT - saves buying a card I guess. This kind of  demanding letter isn't to our taste and is akin to those kids with signs demanding footballer's tops - stick to getting Dad six cans and a kebab Sean and save us all from your harassment of an ageing alien.

Sean is far from the 'Super Sean' with that title going to Sean 'Mike' Baldwin of Brighton who had six letters printed between 2000 and 2006 in Progs 1213 to 1511, when he bowed out with a Letter of the Week.

Things aren't going well with our communications antenna being destroyed and us having to rely on an Amstrad E-Mailer to get our copy out. Don't worry, we won't be silenced. The evil overlords hell-bent on our destruction will be resisted by the well-meaning and dedicated followers of this thread who will no doubt rally round and...oh dear.

The evil invaders are at the door and shoving dog dirt through the letter box, but that's as good a signal as any to have a look at the second offering of the week from Matt Webster of Bradford. Matt is an older hand, celebrating his 8th published letter with this offering. Matt had two Letters of the Week in 2021 in Progs 2234 and 2237,so this effort breaks his streak, but maintains a reasonably consistent level of appearance that dates back to a Letter of the Week debut in 2006's Prog 1475.

Matt's letter is chillingly similar to that previous with another tale of a lovely Dad buying a Prog that started a lifelong obsession in the son. Did Tharg's letter generating software hit a glitch? Matt's  letter lacks the begging elements of his predecessor but offers addition peril "I nearly stopped  buying the Progs" he says with no conviction.

Tharg clearly loses the will to go any further with this love in and celebration of parental Prog purchasing and gives up the rest of the page to an advert for the Portsmouth Comic Con. And we're glad he did - we've donned our washer woman outfit and are heading out the back door to our waiting donkey...

Stay safe and good luck to our Ukrainian readers - enjoy the £20 LETTERSENTERTAINYOU donation in lieu of any good taste.

Prosecco for brekkie? lightweight!

Cava you Buckie merchant!

[Prog 2266]

What to do when your self-indulgent thread loses all its readers and generates no replies? The answer is of course to team it up with a previous thread that was equally unpopular and create a hybrid that allows people not to read two threads at once! This 'Exciting news for all readers' event will be a one off as the diet bus has pulled up outside and delivered some rice cakes and taken away all the booze and chocolates. At least we still have letters and holiday snaps. Yay.

First out of the blocks is this deceptive salad number :



We didn't get into out hotel in Tenerife, the GF Isabel, until after dinner had finished but they had left us some grub in the canteen. This was unexpected and certainly derailed my plans to explore the town's kebab options. This was enjoyable however, with nice ham and chorizo and a soft roll.

The letters from Prog 2266 are found in a strange mid Prog location with the coveted back page taken up with some history thing. We do get 7 letters, none of which are too long, and only one Beast Leaderboard contender for our troubles.

Someone who may not be hungry, but is in Hungary is Charlie Robinson in the Letter of the Week berth. Charlie, with his debut offering,  scores the 4th Magyar letter to see print with Sas / Stuart Durrant nabbing the first two in Progs 866 and 982 followed by David Jakoi in 2002's Prog 1315.

Charlie does the always favoured 'lost but now found' routine and tells a happy tale of finding the latest Prog in an Airport shop  and then signing up for the long haul. It's a happy tale well told and Tharg ,as always, laps this stuff up.

Our hotel was all inclusive so we didn't each out too much. It may be a bit bland but it's free! The hotel food was fine but sometimes you want something a bit special and cooked as a meal rather than some nuggets and a bit of pizza. Here's me with an excellent chicken biryani at the Ganges restaurant in Costa Adeje.



Iain Benson popadom downs the next letter from his Manchester lair. Iain , who was possibly a butler in the 80's, enjoys his second outing here having debuted in Prog 2140 in 2019. He is now one behind 'Best Benson' Freiya who had her third offering published in a Letter of the Week appearance in Prog 2202.

Iain basically rehashes the first letter, five years on, and feels a kinship with Tharg as they are both in their 45th year.  Means nothing Iain, We're the same age as Starbucks and it doesn't mean free coffee! (you can fill up on sugar packets if no one is looking though).

The best part of buffet dining is the breakfasts - you can pick out all the crispy bits of bacon and fill up on Sugar Puffs and pastries. You do need to work at it though. Here's me with my shop bought HP sauce and butter infused bacon sandwich. It was so good my photographer grabbed a bite before agreeing to take the photo!



Not needing any additional sauce is Craig Grannell of Fleet who scores his 28th Beast entry with this outing, which cements his 9th place spot on the Beast scoreboard, only one behind Alan Holloway. This early score means Craig has had at least one letter published in each of the last 6 years. He first appeared as the enigmatic 'CN Grannell' in 1998's Prog 1089 which means his letters Silver Anniversary is approaching fast.

Craig goes all controversial and says 'The Out' is better than 'Halo Jones'. not sure about that, but both are better than 'Dead meat' that's for sure. Tharg likes a bit of debate and will probably reissue 'Halo Jones' once again, in a new edition, just to cash in on the controversy.

More dining out now as we headed for The Ibrox Bar for the Rangers v Stirling Albion clash. They didn't do food but they allowed the restaurant next door to deliver. This Mexican pizza was nice but a bit unusual as it had no cheese topping and was like hot vegetables and grey beef on a pizza base. Still scoffed the lot.



Someone who needs no toppings but some more 'Brass Sun' is Luke Murthwaite of Peterborough who makes his debut this Prog. This is the 30th letter from The Posh with Graham George (didn't he used to manage Arsenal?) the long time leader on 4.His last outing was in 1994's Prog 896 so he may have stopped reading or gone to manage a team in Vietnam or somewhere.

Luke's bugbear is when "a decent narrative never reaches a conclusion". We know what you mean Luke - this man of restricted intelligence went to a stables to ask for a job and the blacksmith asked if he had ever shoed a horse and...right we'll leave that there.

Here's an early buffet lunch selection that shows how not to create a well balanced meal - pizza, burger, chips, nuggets - it's like a 5 year old's birthday party. All very nice but an unsatisfying repast.



Time to calm down now and take your time in the company of Tony Green from Bullseye, er, Wooton. Tony enjoyed 'Dredd : Trinity' and thought it was super , smashing , great. Wait, that's the other guy. This is Tony's first ever letter - let's see if he manages to get two in a bed. He has a few to match the Jolly Green Giant Kelvin who has 4 letters to his name, the last of which we saw in Prog 1550 in 2007.

Next up is our second dine out where I had this mammoth T-Bone steak in a place called 'Hawai'. It was OK but not well cooked and certainly beyond my requested 'medium' in places. The chips were of the oven variety and the veg was non-descript. Not great for the 90 odd Euros spent.



Better value is Paul Newrick of Bridport who has his second appearance served up in this Prog, following his opening bow in a Letter of the Week showing in Prog 2225, last year. Paul was a big fan of 'Trinity' and would like to see more of the Sly Stallone Dredd. Stop or every fan will shoot! He makes a funny point of the present day being even crappier than the dystopian worlds Tharg dishes out and basically tells the Alien that he needs to up his game.

A better hotel dinner selection this time with meatballs accompanied by a fried chicken fillet, some green chillies and some caviar. As you do. First time having caviar and I wasn't impressed. Fishy and a strange texture.



We finish with a Last Tango in Halifax in the company of Paul Broadhead who, like Paul Newrick above,  is also on his second letter with his first also appearing in the same Prog of 2225! What a coincidence!, It's almost like only 30 folk ever write in! Paul finished the page with  his musings as lapsed then returned reader. He's off to buy 20 years of back Progs and we're off to the buffet!

[Kathryn Morton of Leeds]

Well hello there. Take off that snow covered coat and step into the warmth of the LETTERSENTERTAINYOU Christmas party for 2021. We understand that certain restrictions are in place, but some people are above the rules, and that certainly includes people who write letters into a comic. We would ask that if you are collared that you say that only dropped in for an eye test or to molest some badgers. Don't say you are in the Government - our brand couldn't take the tarnish. Little bit of politics there!

The party is attended by all 41 writers on The Beast all time table and it's great to be in the company of 39 celebrated letter writers. Tom Proudfoot is here too, but only because he has a long white beard and can dress up as Colonel Sanders and feed the masses.

Predictably enough we are doing a Christmas party theme this week and our well planned gags about all the attendees being INCEL men before it became fashionable has been upset with that rarest of beasts - a lady writer! Get the guts sucked in lads, Kathryn Morton of Leeds is here to show us how it's done.

Kathryn is a regular Mary Christmas as she adds a touch of glamour to the sea of Primark jumpers and Blue Harbour jeans. This is Kathryn's first letter, but  amazingly she's not the first lady Morton as she joins Miranda of Aberystwyth who is still mentioned in dispatches following her Prog 406 appearance. To add to the fun we also have Rob and Ron Morton who appeared in Progs 1059 and 1079 although that may be him having fun or a Beast input error. Hardly likely!

Kathryn is an occasional reader who is celebrating her longest run of purchasing the Prog in ages. She's liking it so much that she's reading all of the stories - high praise indeed. She waxes lyrical about her favourite strips and suggests an all female creative team for Judge Anderson. I wonder what Alan Grant will say when Mek-Quake shows up with the scissors! Overall an enthusiastic and complimentary letter. Down with this kind of thing.

Next up we're having a gang bang, which can only mean that John Bateson of Grantham has commandeered the tape deck with his 'Black Lace's Greatest Hits' cassette. John is an old hand with this being his fourth outing on the letters page. His last offering, in Prog 2133 was a letter of the week as was is first in Prog 1555 in 2007. He has always lived in Lincolnshire but has become more open in his last two letters by being more specific with his Grantham listing. Had to Google that - please be more consistent when writing your letters!

Despite his Lincolnshire abode John is clearly from the Land of the Righteous but lets us all down with a bit of patois - c'mon John, only Elaine C Smith and Rab C Nesbitt actually talk like that! To be fair it looks like John hasn't forgotten his roots as he's clearly been on the bevvy with this outpouring of consciousness.

Secret Santa time now as Iain Harper of email unwraps his first gift to the lettering masses. He joins two other Harpers 'DG' in Prog 490 and Matt in Prog 2041. Sadly the gift will have to go back and be exchanged for Matalan vouchers as this one isn't for the keeping. Iain  likes the Regened Progs but thinks that decision time has arrived. Tharg agrees and says he's sticking with it, so there. Iain lets his 8 year old read the Prog so maybe the lad can explain 'Proteus Vex' to us?

Right stop the party. Someone has spewed up over the coats and passed out - better call in Dr (call me Doctor) Rob Beattie of Blainslie - which is in Scotland (Google again). The good Doctor is pushed to the floor by  Dr Rich Evans who holds 10th spot on the Beast all time list on 27 and doesn't appreciate anyone encroaching on his territory. The two other Beatties on the list  Chris (Meg 8) and Jack (Prog 281) try to assist but their single letter scores don't get them by the bouncer.

Dr Rob's letter is a bit hard to follow - I blame the handwriting - but we think he's saying his kid likes the Regened issues and he's into 'The Out' - it's all inconsequential as he leaves with his Christmas cake - and his teeth - in a bag, out the emergency exit.

Well that's us past the halfway mark and time to roll out the buffet. Sadly the order got mixed up in the pandemic chaos and it's three sheets of toilet paper for everyone washed down with a cup of hand sanitizer. We've had worse nights. None of which were spent with Gary & Zack Pickup of Salford. We're not clear why they are named after a truck but it does explain why they are drinking cans of Monster. Zack is a new entrant on the Beast Database but this is Gary's 3th offering following a quick double header in Progs 1405 and 1409 in 2004. Guess he must have lost interest in writing in and started seeing women. What a weirdo!

The letter reveals the truth as Gary used his Prog money to procreate and now has Zack to continue the cycle. Gary is onside with the Regened issues (Can we have a moratorium on this topic please?!) and Zack is now a convert much to Tharg's delight. One of us! One of us!

As the night begins to wind down the lights go up and the celebrity guest is revealed - It's Steve Frame from Thurso! Yay. Steve is the only Beast Leader board participant to get a letter printed and for that we have to say 'damn it's always a double pager at Christmas, what was I thinking?!' This is Steve's 33rd letter to see print and it cements him in his longstanding 4th place over all, fewer than a dozen behind Grant Goggans on 44. Steve has his place on the LETTERSENTERTAINYOU Mount Rushmore, but over to the side a bit. Next to Jimmy Carter.

Steve first letter was in Prog 1405 which amazingly was the same as that for Gary Pickup in the letter above! A Christmas miracle! Steve uses the tired and tested method of having a theme, saying that things are 'Smart' and 'Dumb'. We have our own -  'Boring' and 'Predictable'. Boring : This letter! Predictable: also this letter! Good to have you here Steve!

The lights are beginning to dim and it's time for the erection section in the company of Will Fairbairn of East Lothian who celebrates his 3rd offering with this issue. In Will's first two letters printed in Progs 1930 and 2039 he went by 'Willie' - don't hide your light under that bushel Willie, we're all friends here.

Willie gets a 'one hit wonder' in by asking a single question and getting out. It's a good scheme as Tharg loves to be pitched soft balls that he can knock out the park with a big Pluggg!

Right the caretaker has arrived and you can all bugger off and take that tinsel with you. Someone in no mood to argue is Anthony O'Connor of Email who has gotten merry on this his fourth letter to see print. In his first three he was in Ireland starting with his Prog 1940 début n 2015. He was last seen in Meg 372 in 2016 so he has five years to make up for which he has done with aplomb and with Happy Shopper cider.

Being tired and emotional Anthony barely manages a sentence in his letter before passing out. Sleep well sweet prince and come up with something better next time.

Right that's it - we're off to pull some crackers and we don't mean have relations with ladies.

Happy Christmas!

5th Feb should be OK, 5th March not so much as it's the wife's birthday weekend.