Short script needs an artist

[chilipenguin]

Hey, just finished writing a short origin story and I'm looking to develop it. I'm pretty happy with it as it is, though I may tweak some of the dialogue, but I am looking for an artist with time on their hands who might want to draw it. This is my first full, completed script so I am a bit lost as to what to do with it now. Anyway, I'll post it here and see what folks think and whether or not anyone is interested in bringing it to life.

Hope you all enjoy:

PAGE 1 PANEL 1
Long horizontal panel. Establishing frame. We are in a typical suburb of a small town. Nice, detached houses line the street. Average to expensive looking cars sit on the road, shaded by leafy green trees. In the distance, sitting in the middle of the tarmac, is a silhouetted figure. In the next frame we will see that this is Adam Jones, our protagonist.

ADAM CAPTION
Childhood is a funny thing.
ADAM CAPTION (CONT'D)
The things we remember most about it are usually the most terrible.
ADAM CAPTION (CONT'D)
Sadness. Anger. Pain...

PAGE 1 PANEL 2
Long horizontal panel. Now we see Adam; a 10 year old boy with bright blonde hair and blue eyes. He is sitting in the middle of the road, clutching his leg. He is bleeding from a gash on his knee.
ADAM
Muuummmyyy!!!!!!

THE NEXT THREE PANELS SHOULD RUN ALONGSIDE EACH OTHER, SHOWING THE DEGRADATION OF THE SURROUNDING TREES AND CARS.

PAGE 1 PANEL 3
We are still close in on Adam. He is crying with pain, looking around for his mother. Behind him is a blue car and above that is a healthy green tree. A squirrel has run into the frame. Adam is crying.
ADAM
<sniff> Mummy?

PAGE 1 PANEL 4
The same scene but with the damage emanating from Adam becoming apparent. The tree is starting to die; its leaves are falling off and branches are beginning to gnarl. The car is beginning to rust from blue to brown. The squirrel has died.

ADAM CAPTION
Those moments crystallize in our subconscious. They shape our identity.

PAGE 1 PANEL 5
The same scene once again, but this time the tree is completely dead, the car rusted beyond repair. The dead squirrel has burst into flames. Adam is still crying but now out of shock more than pain.

ADAM CAPTION
Those moments are the making of us.


PAGE 2 PANEL 1
Close up of Adam's mother, Emily. She is turning toward the sound of her son's cries. The sun is shining behind her, illuminating her hair.

EMILY
Adam?
ADAM CAPTION
A sequence of ordinary events, so trivial and yet so pivotal, can lead to great things.

PAGE 2 PANEL 2
Emily is running toward Adam. She is the f/g of the frame, Adam, still on the road, is in the b/g.

EMILY
Adam! Mummy's coming!
ADAM CAPTION
I never knew my mother. Kids never do.
ADAM CAPTION (CONT'D)
I mean, I remember her. I loved her but I never knew her.

PAGE 2 PANEL 3
Emily has almost reached Adam but she has had to stop. She is nauseous and is leaning against the rusted car while she vomits. She hasn't noticed that the sphere of destruction is emanating from her son.

EMILY
Mummy's... <cough>
EMILY (CONT'D)
Mummy's coming!

PAGE 2 PANEL 4
Emily's hand actually breaks through the brittle, rusted metal of the car's bonnet. She is confused but determined to get to her son.

EMILY
What the hell?

PAGE 2 PANEL 5
Emily has finally reached Adam. She cradles him in her arms but she is clearly in great pain. There are beads of sweat on her forehead and blood by the corner of her mouth. Adam is looking up at her in fear.

EMILY
Shhh. It's alright now. I've got you.
ADAM
Mummy? I don't feel so good.
ADAM CAPTION
None of that matters anymore. She's gone now...


THE THREE PANELS ON THIS PAGE SHOULD FLOW DIAGONALLY ACROSS THE PAGE FROM TOP LEFT TO BOTTOM RIGHT. PANELS 1 AND 2 SHOULD BE SET OUT AS INSETS IN THE LARGER PANEL 3. PANEL 3 SHOULD TAKE UP AROUND TWO THIRDS OF THE TOTAL SPACE ON THE PAGE.

PAGE 3 PANEL 1
Emily is still cradling Adam. He is looking up at her. She is beginning to disintegrate. Her skin is peeling, her hair falling out. Blood is weeping from her eyes, nose and mouth.

EMILY (SCREAMING)
Aaaaahh!

PAGE 3 PANEL 2
The same scene but Emily's disintegration has continued. Now her skin is flaking away, revealing portions of her skeleton. Part of her skull is exposed and the bones in her hands and arms are beginning to appear. Her clothes are beginning to smolder.

EMILY
AAAAAAAGGHH!

PAGE 3 PANEL 3
The same scene again but now Emily is nothing more than a skeleton. Her clothes have ignited and are burning away. Adam is terrified. His mother is dead.

ADAM CAPTION
The wind took her from me.


PAGE 4 PANEL 1
Adam is getting up from the road as his mother's remains blow away in the wind. Next to him is a pathetic heap of blackened bones and some smoldering cloth. Down the street, people are coming out of their homes to find out where the screams have been coming from.

PAGE 4 PANEL 2
Worm's eye view. In the f/g Adam is looking down the street toward the gathering crowd. We can see that the destruction has only reached a few metres from where he is standing.

ADAM
Stay away!
CROWD
What's going on down there?
CROWD (CONT'D)
Come on son, let's get you home.
CROWD (CONT'D)
What the hell happened to my car?

PAGE 4 PANEL 3
Aerial view. We can see Adam in the centre of a burnt and blackened circle. Everything within it has been damaged in some way. At the outermost edges of it, the crowd has gathered.

ADAM CAPTION
I've never known what happened that day. The only thing I know for sure...

PAGE 4 PANEL 4
Close up of Adam as he throws his head back. He is screaming in anguish and rage. There are smudges of his mother's ashes on his face but he is completely unharmed.

ADAM
Aaaaaaaahhhhhhh!


PAGE 4 PANEL 5
A wide shot, taking in the crowd. They are frightened of what is happening and some are trying to run. The fringes of the frame are beginning to bleed a bright white light. The crowd shrieks in horror and pain.

ADAM CAPTION
...It's getting worse.

PAGE 4 PANEL 5
The crowd are almost lost in the whiteness except for the outlines of their skeletons. They have been incinerated in the blast.

PAGE 4 PANEL 6
The frame is filled with the white light. Total destruction.


PAGE 5 PANEL 1
Long horizontal panel. An aerial shot of the street. Adam lies in the foetal position next to the ruined car. There are wisps of smoke billowing into the frame.

ADAM CAPTION
I lost my family that day.

PAGE 5 PANEL 2
Long horizontal panel. Aerial shot. Further away this time. Now we see the destruction Adam has caused has spread much further than it had reached originally. Cars haven't just rusted, they've been blown down the street and completely destroyed.

ADAM CAPTION
My friends. My home. But I found something that made up for them all.

PAGE 5 PANEL 3
Long horizontal panel. Aerial shot. Much further out this time. Now we can see that a large portion of the town has been destroyed. Every living thing in the band of destruction has been obliterated.

ADAM CAPTION
Purpose.



So, whaddya think?

[Jim_Campbell]

I've only had a very quick glance down the script -- I'll have a proper read later, but one thing does leap out from a scan through.

You're "directing" this way too much. Tell the artist what's going on, not how to draw it. If you're an artist as well, and you're describing to the editor how you intend to draw the strip, fine, otherwise you have to give the artist room to get on with it. You're dictating camera angles and describing entire page layouts. Back off and leave the art to the guy that's getting paid for it!

Speaking as someone who's penned his share of over-written scripts, I try to keep in mind the way that John Wagner's scripts were described by -- I think -- Frazer Irving, as "like getting a really exciting telegram."

Cheers!

Jim

[chilipenguin]

Thanks for the feedback. I agree that I am guilty of over direction. I think its down to frustration that I can see how I want something to look in my head but will never be able to translate into a drawing. In the future, I'll try to tone it down a bit.

[Paul_Ridgon]

Not bad, not too bad at all.  I kinda agree with what Jim said about giving the artist a little room to put some of themselves into the strip, but in my experience, writers are more than happy to accommodate the artist if they have a better way of doing things.

My major criticism is also one of the stories biggest strengths.  It leaves me wanting more.  In much the same way as I felt when 'The Truman Show' ended, the end of this story is really the beginning.  I now want to know where Adam is going to go with his purpose.

It's a very tight script indeed and when I've freed up a little time, I may very well take a stab at drawing this.

[chilipenguin]

Cheers. Yeah, I am very open to suggestions on how to improve it, either from an artist's standpoint or from any other writers who are reading.

As to leaving it where it ends at the moment, I have plans for the character and really this is just an origin. I wanted to get some feedback on the set up before I started writing anything too in depth.

[Richmond Clements]

You're dictating camera angles and describing entire page layouts. Back off and leave the art to the guy that's getting paid for it!

What he said.
Unless there's a good reason for it, or I have a particularly strong opinion on it, I don't give direction in panels. In fact, 90% of the time I don't even have a visual in my head of what they're going to look like.

Other than that- it's good stuff, with some nice visuals and emotional content. As as has been said- it leavs the reader wanting more.

[chilipenguin]

Thanks for all the feedback guys. I have gone back through the script and removed most of the overt direction but what about the description? Does too much affect the direction of the artist? I don't know how to fix that without hurting the script.

[Richmond Clements]

Does too much affect the direction of the artist?

Depends on the artist.
Some will be confident enough to ignore your direction and draw it 'properly', others may draw what you order them, but seeth with hate and resentment at you telling them their job!

Just tell them what you need in the panel and write what is said- let them work out the rest of it.

I'm off for the weekend, so haven't access to my own scripts, but if I remember upon my return, I'll maybe post one of mine up here.

[Richmond Clements]

I should add:

While this writing is very good and the script hangs together well, none of this will matter at all unless your tale has a strong plot to drive it forward.

[chilipenguin]

I have an idea of how I want the character to develop. Essentially, this is a flashback to how his power develops. What I have in mind for him takes place when he is a young adult. There may be other manifestations of his power during his formative years but really the story begins to take shape when is all growed up.

[chilipenguin]

I should add:

While this writing is very good and the script hangs together well, none of this will matter at all unless your tale has a strong plot to drive it forward.

Hey, I sent you a PM when you get a chance to check.

[chilipenguin]

Right, got a first draft of a four pager done. I still need to tweak some of the dialogue but I think I've reigned back on over direction. I think it works as a one shot but could be developed into something more. Anyway, have a read and let me know what you think.(Oh I've posted this over at Millarworld as well on the off chance someone wants to team up for a CLiNT submission).

PAGE 1 PANEL 1
A huge asteroid is hurtling through space. In the background of the frame we can see the planet it is heading for; Earth!
CAPTION
The end of the world, despite what the philosophers and politicians had suspected, didn't come at the hands of man.

PAGE 1 PANEL 2
A man is recoiling in shock from a high power telescope. He has just spotted the asteroid.
CAPTION
It came screaming across the void. Faster than any calculations had predicted. There was no time to prepare.

PAGE 1 PANEL 3
Close up on the man's face. He is terrified.
CAPTION
It was a planet-killer.

PAGE 1 PANEL 4
The UN are in the middle of a crisis meeting. The delegates are all scared and volatile.
CAPTION
The wheels turned and we did what humans do best.
CAPTION (CONT'D)
We argued.
CAPTION (CONT'D)
But out of the arguments came, for perhaps the first time in our history, a unity of purpose.

PAGE 1 PANEL 5
A finger is pressing the fabled button marked "LAUNCH".
CAPTION
We had only one option.

PAGE 2 PANEL 1
A view from space. Hundreds of nuclear missiles are streaming from the planet's surface toward the asteroid.
CAPTION
One hope.
CAPTION (CONT'D)
The irony was palpable.

PAGE 2 PANEL 2
The asteroid is obscured in a ball of flame and smoke as the missiles reach their target.

PAGE 2 PANEL 3
The asteroid emerges from the devastating blast. Much of the rock has been blown away, leaving an almost spherical object in its place.
CAPTION
But hopes are just there to be dashed.

PAGE 2 PANEL 4
The UN delegates react to the failure of their plan. Lots of wailing and hand wringing.
CAPTION
We were out of options. So, we did what we do almost as well as we argue.

PAGE 3 PANEL 1
Times Square in New York. Panic and terror have set in. People are running and screaming.
CAPTION
We panicked.

PAGE 3 PANEL 2
The same reaction in London with Big Ben and other landmarks in the background to identify the city to the reader.
CAPTION
And for the second time in our history, the world was united.

PAGE 3 PANEL 3
People kneeling in prayer at the Vatican in Rome. The Pope is holding a mass.
CAPTION
True believers and the newly converted begged God for mercy.

PAGE 3 PANEL 4
The asteroid enters the atmosphere, a flaming tail blossoming behind it. Chunks of rock are being ripped off by the pressure.
CAPTION
But He ignored them.

PAGE 3 PANEL 5
Worm's eye view. A crowded Princes St in Edinburgh. People are looking up in alarm as the asteroid blasts over the castle. It is now almost perfectly spherical.
CAPTION
For all their prayers and screams, the end screeched ever onward.

PAGE 4 PANEL 1
The asteroid is about land in the Atlantic ocean. It is perhaps a couple of thousand feet above the surface.

PAGE 4 PANEL 2
The asteroid suddenly unleashes a series of boosters from its underside, slowing its velocity.
CAPTION
And then, in our dying moments...

PAGE 4 PANEL 3
The asteroid finally lands in the ocean. Instead of the destruction that was feared, it lands fairly gently, sending out ripples across the surface.
CAPTION
...A reprieve!

PAGE 4 PANEL 4
A vertical crack opens across the radius of the bobbing sphere.
CAPTION
We had thought the worst was upon us.

PAGE 4 PANEL 5
The crack has opened to about 140°. Spilling from it are hundreds of alien attack ships, like wasps from a smashed hive. They are distinctly insect-like in appearance.
CAPTION
We were right.

[willthemightyW]

I thought that was pretty good.

[CrazyFoxMachine]

Quite quite smart Mr CP - !