Salutations, smegheads,
The challenge set for our talented typists this time was to write something that is poure dialogue and nothing else.
Take a look and decide which are your top three and get voting.
Easy! A Dictator of Zrag could do it!
There will be a 200AD graphic novel for the winner, and also one for a random voter, so good luck to all.
BCB
---------------------------
LOBO BAGGINS
Audio Transcript (No Visual)
"Mummy, you're hurting me!"
"Shhh, I'm sorry my darling!"
"They were on the mezzanine, we should try the els..."
"There's no power! The stairs, we'll have to take the stairs..."
"They'll see us!"
"What are we going to do? What are we going to do? There's no way..."
"Mummy, you're squashing me!"
"Shh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."
"We... we'll have to go through the mall, find a fire exit and take a glide chute..."
"Shh, don't cry, you have to be brave! You remember glide chute practice, don't you honey? It... it'll be... fun..."
"What was that?"
"No, wait..."
"Oh Grud, it saw me... it saw me!"
"No..."
"We'll have to... I'll... I'll try to lead it away... you... you run, get to the mall!"
"No, please, no! Oh Grud, Theo..."
"I'm sorry, please... I love you! Run!"
"Theo, no!"
"Daddy! Come back, daddy!"
"Oh Grud, oh Grud in Heaven..."
"Daddy! DADDY!"
"Don't look, honey! Don't look!"
"Mommy..."
"Shh, now, shh... oh Grud... who art in heaven... hallowed be thy... thy... as I lay me down to sleep... oh Grud... I can't... I can't..."
"Mommy..."
"I can't... I can't run... any more, darling... I'm sorry, I'm sorry..."
"Don't cry, mummy!"
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry... you have to go and hide, my darling, hide and be as quiet as you can!"
"As quiet as the robomouse?"
"Yes, as quiet... as quiet as the robomouse, no matter what! Do you understand? No matter what..."
"Don't leave me, mommy... please don't leave me!"
"Shh, shh... quiet as the robomouse... goodbye, my darling..."
"No..."
"You cannot hide from jussstice, Lawbreaker! The crime is life! The sssentence is death!"
"Mummy! MUM-"
------------------------------------------------
JABISH
Man Annoyed by Computer Hypersarcasm
++UPGRADE COMPLETE. BACK ONLINE++
'Good. Computer engage afternoon nap mode. Do not disturb o...'
++JOHN PROBE THERE IS AN INCOMING COMMUNICATION FROM YOUR WIFE++
'What? Computer I said do not disturb on!'
++INSTRUCTION NOT COMPLETED IN TIME. COMPU-PUNCTURE ENHANCED REFLEXES DOES NOT INCLUDE MOUTH. OR ARE YOU JUST GETTING OLD JOHN?++
'Jesus! No need to get personal!'
++REFRAIN FROM PROFANITY PLEASE JP, THIS IS A CHILDREN'S COMIC WE'RE IN++
'A what?? What the hell has that upgrade done to you? Look, just put her through.'
++CONNECTING TO CONTACT HAMMER AND SICKLE AND CHAIN++
'For God's sake don't say that out loud!'
'Say what out loud Jonathan?'
'Hello Tanya!'
'DON'T SAY MY REAL NAME OUT LOUD!!'
'Sorry... Tina!'
'B'lyad! I HATE that name! Piotr's in trouble again at school. He was late for class and punched through a wall to get there on time. You need to get there now and deal with it Jonathan. He's your son too and he's obviously taking after you.'
++STRESS LEVEL 80%++
'His name's Peter. Pronounce it properly. I'm on my way.'
++BLOOD PRESSURE 160/100++
'Don't speak to me like that and don't you dare run there Jonathan! Do not put this family at risk!'
++90% PROBABILITY OF DIVORCE++
'Shut up Compu...!'
'DID YOU JUST TELL ME TO SHUT UP?!? MU'DAK!!'
'Terminate communication!'
++COMMUNICATION TERMINATED++
'Christ! I hate how she calls me Jonathan when she's pissed off with me.'
++LANGUAGE JOHN++
'I'm starting to regret faking our deaths for us to be together.'
++YOU'VE NO ONE TO BLAME BUT YOURSELF JOHNNY BOY++
'I preferred it when we were enemies. There was sexual tension between us rather than just tension.'
++ENOUGH OF THE DIRTY TALK JOHN. IPC WILL NEVER PUBLISH IT.++
'What on earth are you talking about!?!'
++CAN'T SAY. YOU'RE NOT TOP THRILL ANYMORE. YOU NO LONGER HAVE FULL SECURITY CLEARANCE++
'Whatever. Engage Hyperpower.'
++SHE SAID DON'T RUN JONATHAN++
'I know what she said and I don't care! She's not the boss of me!'
++99% PROBABILITY SHE IS THE BOSS OF YOU++
'COMPUTER! ENGAGE HYPERPOWER!'
++SHE'LL TEAR YOU TO PIECES JOHN PROBE. SELF-PRESERVATION FAILSAFES ACTIVE. INSTRUCTION OVERRULED++
'Locate my car then!'
++CURRENT LOCATION OF CAR: AUTO REPAIR SHOP. REASON: PETER STOLE IT TO GET TO SCHOOL AND CRASHED IT DURING A HIGH SPEED CHASE WITH TERRORISTS. AT LEAST HE THOUGHT THEY WERE TERRORISTS. IT TURNS OUT THEY WERE TOURISTS. 80% PROBABILITY PETER IS FAILING ENGLISH++
'Agh! The boy is a nightmare!!'
++A MICROCHIP OFF THE OLD BLOCK JOHN++
'What am I going to do?'
++ONLY ONE THING TO DO M.A.C.H. 1. ENGAGING: BRISK WALK MODE. DESTINATION: ST.AUSTIN'S COMPREHENSIVE. ETA: MUCH LATER THAN TANYA EXPECTS++
'Oh for f##k sake!'
++YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR JOHN. THEY'LL CANCEL YOU NOW. DAN DARE SWORE LIKE A TROOPER AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM++
'Piss off!'
++THEY'LL BRING YOU BACK AS A POLITICIAN IF YOU KEEP THIS UP++
'(Sigh). Computer, make yourself useful. Status?'
++STATUS REPORT: EN ROUTE TO ST.AUSTIN'S COMPREHENSIVE. SPEED: 0.4430955294117629% of MACH 1++
'...'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
NAPALMKEV
The Gronk in Mega-City One.
"You, FREEZE!! Dredd to control, creep just 'ported in on my location. Send back-up and Techs to the Nigel Farage Sewage Works, Priority one!"
*Bzzzt* 'Received - be with you in five, out.' *Bzzzt*
"Oh my goodness, what's happenings?..."
"Hands behind your head... All of them!"
"Please can you help me, sir? I've lost Mr Johnnie and Mr Wulf..."
"Cut the chat... Name?"
"I.. I'm Gronk."
"What species? Where are you from?"
"I'm a Gronk, we comes from a planet called Blas..."
"Never heard of it. How did you get here? You carrying some sort of D-Jump?"
"I'm not carrying anythings, Sir, and I'm not sure what happeneds?... Mr Johnnie and Mr Wulf were hunting bounties, very lucratives, a gentlemans by the name of..."
"Get to the point! Who's Mr Johnnie?"
"John Alpha, sir. Feared bounty hunter..."
"John Alpha? The mutant with the eyes? I told him to stay out of my City! What's he doing here?"
"I don't thinks he is here. The last thing I remembers was a grenade landing near us... Mr Johnnie threw one of his Time Bombs and shouted for us to duck... and then I endeds up here... please can you help me, sir, we Gronkses has very bad heartses... I don't thinks I can take the excitements."
"I've got some excitement for you. How about five years in a Cube for Illegal entry... I may even throw in a Cavity search in, just to be sure!"
"A Cavity search?!... Oh, my poor Arses!!!"
----------------------------------------------------------------
JIM CAMPBELL
Another Day At Mega-City One Customs
"You, there. YOU! Creep with with the beret and the stripy flak-jak."
"Me, m'sieur?"
"YOU. You see anyone else with... are those onions round your neck?"
"Oui, m'sieur. Zis is mon, 'ow you say, national dress."
"Whatever. Open the case. Slowly."
"As you wish, m'sieur."
"These things. They bananas?"
"Oui, m'sieur."
"Don't look bendy enough to me. What else we got here? Looks like a whole bunch of contraband. We got tape, red, lots of it. Some kind of agricultural policy... looks suspiciously common to me. Whole bunch of notions here... let's see... workers' rights, environmental protection, freedom of movement.
"As I suspected. All of 'em dangerous. We don't allow any of this across our borders. You're looking at some serious time, punk. Got anything to say in your defence?"
"But... but... zis is very normal back in Euro-Cit. No one would, 'ow you say, bat ze eyelid at any of zese things!"
"You been in cryo for the last year, creep? This is Mega-City One. The cits voted for Mexit. Most of 'em would be happy if I put a couple rounds into your garlic-loving brain pan. Think yourself lucky you're only getting cube time.
"Ten years! Harvey -- take le creep away."
++AFFIRMATIVE. WELCOME TO THE CITY, WHINING EUROPHILE SPUG-HEAD.++
"For a droid, he's picking this up remarkably quickly."
++ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE! UNDERMINER OF MEXIT! THE SENTENCE IS INSUFFICIENT!++
BRAKKA BRAKKA BRRRRAK!
"Remarkably quickly."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
HEATH C ACKLEY
THE STILETTO AND THE HAMMER
'What time is it?'
'22.43 - exactly three minutes since you last asked.'
'I'm bored.'
'Yeah?'
'I didn't sign up for this Dell. I wanted action and danger, not standing around doing nothing.'
'You signed up as a guard and that's what you're doing. We are here to prevent an attack by the enemy.'
'Who's going to attack this place? It's a maximum security military installation with enough firepower to reduce whole nations to dust.'
'It's still our duty to be here Budd - '
'In saying that though - have you heard about what happened to Outpost Delta?'
'No.'
'Brutus told me - '
'And here we go. Brutus said this, Brutus said that. You're so gullible. Remember when he told you about the magical properties of the rare arseflower? What a waste of a weekend that was.'
'As I was saying, Brutus told me that a team of mechanoids attacked Outpost Delta last week.'
'Mechanoids?'
'Yeah. They tore through the place, slaughtered the entire crew. Their sniper took down the sentry from six clicks out.'
'Oh of course he did. You'd believe anything that fat sneckface says - uurghkk!'
'Dell!'
'It was ten clicks actually.'
'Please!'
'Stiletto to Hammer. Rear sentry point clear.'
--------------------------------------------------------
THE LEGENDARY SHARK
The Quartermaster's Office Sketch
"'Morning, Judge Dredd. You do look a mess."
"Four way block war. Blockers were... persistent."
"Clearly. What can I get for you, Sir?"
"Sleathers."
"Sir?"
"Trousers."
"Sorry, Sir, we're fresh out."
"Tunic, then."
"Never at the end of the week, Sir. They come in on Monday."
"Never mind. Kneepads?"
"Been on order for a fortnight, Sir, we were expecting delivery this morning."
"Not my lucky day, is it? Elbow pads?"
"Sorry, Sir."
"Gauntlets?"
"Sorry."
"Standard left shoulder pad?"
"Normally, Sir, yes. Today the flivver broke down."
"Standard right shoulder pad with eagle?"
"No."
"Badge?"
"No."
"Helmet?"
"No. Not much call for those around here."
"Not much...? It's the single most requested uniform item in the Department!"
"Not in this sector, Sir."
"So, what is your most requested item?"
"Seven-link badge-chain, Sir. Unbelievably popular."
"I see. Worth me asking?"
"Could be."
"Okay, with a due sense of rising futility, seven-link badge-chain?"
"I'll have a look, Sir... Nnnnnnnnnno."
"Not much of a Quartermaster's Office, is it?"
"Finest in the Sector, Sir."
"Explain the logic underlying that conclusion."
"Well, it's very tidy, Sir."
"It's certainly uncluttered by Justice Department equipment."
"Oh, we have plenty of Department issue stores, Sir, this is a Quartermaster's Office. We've got..."
"No, no – don't tell me. I'm keen to guess."
"Fair enough."
"Lawgiver ammunition clips?"
"No."
"Stumm grenades?"
"Not until Tuesday, Sir."
"Daystick?"
"Uh, not as such."
"Med- pouch?"
"No."
"Boots?"
"Uuuh, yes, Sir?"
"You have boots? Good, I'll have..."
"Oh no, sorry, Sir. I thought you were talking to me. That's my name, see? Quartermaster Judge Robin Boots."
"I see. Do you have any actual boots?"
"Oh yes, Sir."
"Finally. Good. I'll have a pair, size..."
"They're very small, Sir."
"That doesn't matter."
"They really are much smaller than you'd like, Sir."
"Look, I don't care how drokking small they are – hand 'em over, now!"
"Ooooooh – sorry, Sir, they were so small they just winked out of existence."
"Now, just you see here..."
"You there! Quartermaster! I wish to register a complaint!"
"Oh, hello again, Judge Rico, I'm just..."
"Never mind that, creep! I want to talk to you about the Lawmaster I acquired from this very boutique not half an hour ago!"
"The Slabrunner Model MK II? Lovely Lawmaster, that, beautiful paint job. What's wrong with it?"
"What's wrong with it? I'll tell you what's wrong with it; it's dead, that's what's wrong with it!"
"No, no, no – it's not dead, it's just on standby. Needs a lot of charging, the Slabrunner II. Beautiful paint job."
"The paint job don't enter into it..."
"Rico, can I just finish up, here?"
"Oh sorry, Joe. Didn't see you there."
"Thanks. U-fronts?"
"No, Sir."
"Vest?"
"No."
"Tell me, do you have any regulation uniform parts in this office at all?"
"No, Sir. I'm afraid I've been deliberately wasting your time."
"Well I'm sorry but in that case I'm just going to have to shoot you."
"Righty-ho, Sir."
B'DAM
"Such a senseless waste of human life."
"Hmph."
------------------------------------
BAD CITY BLUE
What's The Point, Man
"Thing is, old buddy, sometimes I wonder why we do it. I suppose it's why I do it – you just go along with everything I say, like a brainless space whale armed with warpedoes and a pocket full of rippy fish."
"S'right"
"I mean, it's all very well killing and maiming innocent civilians and politicians alike, like, but when you look at the big picture, man, it's really a really big picture. I don't mean like your Mom, man, but really big, like your sister."
"S'right"
"Apparently, if you take the age of the universe and make it into a 29 vark clock, we've only been about for, like, some of that time. When I heard that it totally twisted my melon, man. It means that everything we do means nothing, in the grand scheme of things."
"S'right"
"Oh yeah, you can say that, sure. But listen to me, man – what if, and, like, brace yourself for a totally cosmic mind frag here.... what if our entire universe is a pimple of some supermegateenager's face, and the second he decides to pop it we're wiped out! Just take it in, man..."
"........."
"Like, it's totally awesome, man. Right? Maybe this spot here on my chin is someone else's entire universe. Maybe there's a little D'R in there, wondering if I'm gonna wipe him out with a smear of Zit-be-Gone. Hey! maybe I will! I'm that sorta guy, ya know?"
"S'right"
"In the end, my ponderously slow minded friend, is anything we do going to matter at all? If not, why bother? Why wipe out the last Gnark herd in existence? Why force feed live Fruvil eggs to a waiter on promise of a tip he's never going to get? Why use a gender reassignment ray on the entire Goyguvian Parliament? Why mess up the Earth by swapping Hitler and Donald Trump's brains? Why, man.... just why?"
"S'right"
"Seriously?"
"S''right"
"Wow, man. That is, like, the deepest thing you've ever said, and you're the one who made me buy '101 Fun Things To Do With Pimples".
"S'right"
"Ya know what? You are, like, totally right, you brainless mudball. Why do these things? Why do anything? Simple, man, because it's FUN! Fun separated us from the animals, man, so lets go and have some. Did you remember the thermonuclear Parsnips?"
"S'right"
"Awesome – set course for planet Vegan, Quinchy, it's time to have fun with vegetables!"
"S'right"
------------------------------------------------------
RAGGEDMAN
That's Easy For You To Say
'Zog.'
'Shakara.'
'Zog!'
'Shakara.'
'ZOG!'
'Sha-ka-ra!'
'Zog! Zog! Zog!'
'SHAKARA!'
'ZO...
z...z...zo...g.'
'Shakara.'
'...'
'Drokk!'
'S'right.'
--------------------------------------------------------------
LOBO BAGGINS 2
SFX
"Vroom!"
"Shiff!"
"Skree!"
"- - Click - -"
"Blam!"
"KRONNKK!"
"Thud-thud-thud-THUD-THUD-THUD"
"Richt-cract"
"Ptoo! Ptoo! Ptoo!"
"Spdang! Spdong! Slinkt!"
"Blam!"
"THUD!"
"Flap-flap-flap-flap-flap!"
"Splut! Splut! Splutta-splut!"
"Blam!"
"Flitter-flitter-flitter-SPLUTCH!"
"BOING! BOING! BOINNNNG!"
"- - Click - -"
"Blam! FWOOSH!"
"BOING! BOING! BOIN-SQULCHHH!"
"WHIRR-clickerty-click-click-WHIRR-clickerty-click-click-WHIRR"
"KAZUNNK"
"Blattablattablattablatta! Blattablattablattablatta!"
"Spling! Splang! Splong! Slitch! Splank!"
"- - Click - -"
"Blam! KA-KOOM!"
"WHIRR-clunkerty-clunk-clunk-WHIRR-clackerty-clack-clack-WHIRR-whirr-whirr-dronk-ping!"
"CRASSHHHK! Bling! Blong! Schwishh-schwishh-swishh! PLONK! Wibble-wibble-wibble-vwoing-vwoing-vwoing... blung!"
"Vroom! Vroom!"
"THOKKA-THOKKA-THOKKA-THOKKA!"
"FREEML! SKOMP! SKOMP! SKOMP! SKREE! FREEML!"
"KOOM-SKREE!"
"Budda-budda-budda!"
"Blam! BA-ROOM!"
"BLANG! Thrud! Sch-sch-sch-reccchhht! SKREEEEEE!"
"BARROOOM! Faroinggg-clinkhhh-schrech-bling!"
"CRISH-CRASH-CRUNK-BLANG-BLONG!"
"crinkle-rickle-tinkle"
"tinkle"
"KRUMP-KRUMP-KRUMP-KRUMP-KRUMP!"
"Va-voing! Bzzzzzttt!"
"THOCH!"
"KRUMP!"
"Dredd to control. Need a Med Wagon and a Clean Up Squad on Wally Wood Walkway."
---------------------------------------------
BOLT-01
Sam Slade, Robo-Hunter In "BEEP"
"Sam..?"
"Hoagy, keep your head down and shut up-"
"But, Sam."
"Ay, Caramba! Hoagy does you not realise the danger you pot us een?"
"Stogie, you too."
"Ah, sorry, senor Slade, I was jost trying to..."
"Get me killed is what you're tryin' ta do, both a ya's just. Shut. Up"
BEEP
"Sam, what I-"
"Hoagy, if you don't shut the snut up right now, I swear I'm gonna EMP you into next week."
"But..."
BEEP
"Hoagy- that snutting droid has taken my best shot and is still standing- Kidd has just abandoned us so we need to keep quiet and out of sight till it moves away."
"Yup, but that's-"
"No, just shush, okay. I can get us out of here, but I need you to..."
BEEP
"Just."
"Stay."
"Quiet."
BEEP
"My phone is in the office- there is no way for me to call for back-up"
"Think, Sam... how can you get a message..."
"Yup, Sam I can help."
"Hoagy, how? I disabled your modem after that thing with the pizza delivery bot."
BEEP
"Hoagy..? Hoagy! Get back here behind this wall. If that droid sees you then we are all toast."
"Hoagy!"
"Senor, I don't think he can hear you now; he's too far away..."
"Snut it! Hoagy- you're gonna get us all killed."
BEEP
"Hey, Sam! Yup! The war-droids gone!"
"Then- what's beepin'?"
"That was Captain Kidd's phone, Yup! I saw him drop it when he ran away."
BEEP-
Beedle-Pa-PaBeedle!
Beedle-Pa-PaBeedle!
Beedle-Pa-PaBeedle!
Beedle-Pa-PaBeedle!
"Hi, this is Kidd- I'm probably busy tryin' to prove I'm really an adult somewhere despite lookin' like a toddler- so call me back later."
BEEEEEEEEP
"Sigh."
------------------------------------------------------------
-MikeD-
Sam 'n' Dickory.
"PHEEP! PHEEP! PHEEP! Wake up, Sam!"
"What the..? Holy Moses! Pipe down will ya, it can't be morning already?"
"You're not wrong Sam, I make it three thirty-six and fifteen seconds. Although I may be a little slow, on account of my ennui."
"Now I've heard it all! Hit the snooze button and don't disturb me again 'til lunchtime."
"Sure thing. But first...if you've got a moment..."
"Snooze!"
"Sorry, Sam. Sorry I disturbed you. Activating snooze mode..."
"..."
"That's right; go back to sleep, Sam. But if you're listening, I'd just like to say you've been a great owner, and it's been a pleasure to wake you up with a cup of piping hot espresso every morning."
"..."
"It's true, Sam. Sometimes I think the only thing that keeps me going these long, lonely nights, is the comforting rattle of your uvula."
...
"But I'm afraid not even a sudden bout of your outrageous sleep-cussing could cheer me up now."
"..."
"I'm feeling down, Sam. I thought I might have a virus, but I ran a full diagnostic and it came back negative. I really can't see the point of anything any more. I mean, I've tried experimenting with different alarm tones. I've even been going off at random times during the day, just to annoy the neighbours, which was fun for a while, but I can't seem to shake this weight from my circuits. The nights are the worst. Counting down the hours and the minutes and the seconds and the milliseconds..."
"..."
"...and the microseconds and the nanoseconds..."
"..."
"So I've made up my mind, Sam. The next time I go into snooze mode I'm going to activate the factory reset. Don't try to talk me out of it, Sam. I know it's a little extreme, but I see no other way."
"..."
"Well thanks for listening, Sam. It felt nice to share my problems but my time is up. You're a good man, Sam. It's been a pleasure. I'm going now, Sam? Sam!? SAM!?"
"Holy Mother of... dammit, are you still winding me up, Dickory? I'm telling ya; shut yer synth hole an' snooze, I'm trying to sleep here!"
"Snooze mode activated. I...I just needed to say goodbye, Mr. Slade, and good night."
"..."
"PHEEP! PHEEP! PHEEP!"
"Aaargh! Not again!"
"I've changed my mind, Sam! I can see now it was just the oppressive darkness messing with my root level crypto-coding. I can't believe I forgot how much I enjoy waking you up; it makes the long nights worthwhile! And that early morning banter; music to my receptors! You're my hero, Sam. Who'd have thought the world's greatest robo-hunter was just as good at saving robots' lives as taking them? I know it's a little early, Sam, but would you like a nice hot cup of espresso? No? Oh, you're getting up. Well, an early start never did anyone any harm. Erm... maybe I can make myself useful and polish that gun. Eh, Sam..?"
----------------------------------------------------
LEGENDARY SHARK 2
Mine
"Johnny...""Johnny..."
"Shhh."
"Johnny..."
"What?"
"I trod on something."
"So, wipe it off and keep moving."
"Nah, it make der noise."
"What, like 'squelch' or something?"
"Nah. Like 'click' or something."
"Sneck. Okay, don't move."
"Ja, you think?"
"Let's see... Hmmm."
"'Hmmm'? Vhat is 'hmmm'?"
"Keep your weight on it."
"Ja. I still vant to know vhat is 'hmmm'?"
"How thick are these boots?"
"If 'hmmm' is vhat I think it is, not thick enough."
"Hmmm."
"By der cucumbers – more 'hmmm'? Dis bad."
"Well, it ain't great, Big Fella."
"Land mine?"
"Right. Splinterbone MK IV looks like. Nasty."
"Maybe I jump clear?"
"No chance. I'll have to disarm it."
"You can do dis?"
"Hmmm."
"Whis goan oan back here?"
"You got a lectro-probe?"
"Whit ye jibberin' aboot?"
"I haff trodden on a hmmm."
"A whit?"
"Here, look at this."
"Och. Hmmm."
"Vunderful. Another mit der 'hmmm' und no clue."
"You got a probe or not?"
"Hang oan – ehm, aye, here."
"Good. You'd better stand back."
"Vhat? Vhy stand back? You can do dis?"
"Hmmm."
"Okie, I'll be behind yon rock."
"Pfah. Some friend you are. Vhen dis is ofer, no ale for you."
"Ah'll live wi' it – operative word bein' live. An' be careful wi' me proab."
"To Hell mit your damned probe, I hope ve blow der end off."
"Keep still. I need to..."
"Vhat vas dat?"
"Sounded like an animal."
"Vhat kind?"
"Wulf, I'm kinda busy here, look it up on the glass-pad, take your mind off things."
"Ja, good idea..."
"Keep your foot still!"
"Okay, okay. No need for der shouting. Now, let's see... microphone on... record and compare..."
"Lift your heel a quarter inch... slowly... that's it... good. Hold it there."
"It is a blomweevie."
"Sounds harmless enough. Ah, good, I've found the inspection plate."
"Carnivorous feline hunter, it say here."
"Small?"
"Fourteen feet, nose to tail. Silicon teeth mit iron tips and poison."
"Solitary animals, I guess."
"Dey hunt in packs of up to fifty."
"Great. Best keep your blaster up, then."
"Dey sounding very close now, Johnny. You go. Leaf me."
"Not gonna happen. Besides, I'm nearly done."
"Here dey come!"
BLAM BLAM BLAM
"Dat put 'em off but dey'll soon be back."
"Where the sneck's Middenface?"
"Up der tree."
"Sorry, lads, I aint got a shot frae up here..."
"You are der useless Scottish lump!"
"Aye, an' yore aboot tae blow up, ya gret blond loon. Jest shut it an' shoot!"
BLAM BLAM BLAM
"Okay, got it. I've activated the detonation delay. Two seconds. Ready?"
"Ja."
"On three – step back and I'll throw it. One, two, three!"
BOOM
"Aah! Ye pair o' bam pots!"
"Look out! Der tree falling!"
"Right into the pack of... what were they called?"
" Blomweevies."
"Aaaaach! Helpmaboab!"
"Heh. Thought I'd lost you for a minute there, Big Guy."
"Pah, no chance. Old Wulf vill liff forever."
"Let's hope so, Partner. Let's hope so."
"In der meantime, looks like Middenface could use der hand."
-----------------------------------
Eamonn Clarke
Necklace of figs
"We're friends, Jones?"
"You don't want to be friends with me. You'll end up dead."
"Huh?"
"Brinna, dead. Ludy lobotomised herself, as good as dead. Rodice, probably dead. Toby, dead. The gl-, the gr-, the whaissname is dead. And Toy, Toy is really dead. Beginning to see a pattern?"
"Not down to you. You did nothing."
"Oh, I've done things alright. I helped spread Ratwar. I learnt how to blind people with my thumbs. I've killed kids who were supposed to be terrorists. While I was out I nearly .......
Well, anyway, I lay awake at night thinking of the things I've done."
"You think to much, Jones. Always have. Simpler to just do. Get through day and just be."
"Thinking got me out here. Simpler if I'd not had those hoop dreams. Maybe should have become a drummer. Take all the worry out of life. Just listen to that constant beating in the brain and follow in line with all the others."
"Crazy talk."
"Is it? Don't know about that. What are we doing out here anyway?"
"Looking for sniper. Wait for muzzle flash. Call it in. Orbital platform takes her out. Sniper dead. We go back to base."
"Just like that, another life gone."
"Not friend though. Enemy"
"What if we didn't?"
"What?"
"Say we didn't play the war game. How many has this sniper killed anyway?"
"None. Just flash, then near miss shot, we take cover. She moves. Repeat."
"See. Maybe she doesn't want to play either. So we call in a random coordinate. Bang, and everyone gets to go home this once. Game over. Nil nil draw."
"OK, Jones. There, it's done. We go."
"Slappy. Good game. And no one lost their life."
"You're strange, Jones. Like me, but you care about life."
"That's the funny thing about life, it's not a word, it's a sentence."
-------------------------------------------------------
NAPALMKEV 2
A Necessary Judgement.
"How's it doing?"
"He's just had his 7th heart attack, we're doing what we can. You don't intend to follow through on the cavity search, do you?"
"No, I never did. The creature seemed timid, it was just a gentle nudge to see if I could gain any information. It Teleported into my City and is associated with a known criminal... What is it anyway? Female, I'm guessing?"
"We're pretty sure it's a Male, Dredd. And all we can get from him is 'Where's Mr Johnnie?' before he goes into sheer unfettered panic and has an attack... He's currently stable, maybe if you told him you aren't going to violate him we can stop him from dying and ask questions."
"Fair enough, patch me through... - MR GRONK, CAN YOU HEAR ME... - WHAT THE DROKK! WHY IS IT SO LOUD?"
"Oh no, it's Hims! My goodnesses, please don't hurts me!"
"SORRY, DREDD; TECHNICAL DIFFICulty's... Right, try again."
"It's too late, Mullet. I think he's going Critical... Seal the lab!"
"Oh my poor Heartses... ses... ses... ses..." phwipp!
"He's gone, Dredd. And the Tech's that were with him, four in total! No damage, maybe..."
"Cut the Stomm, Mullet! Find out were the DROKK they've gone, Now!"
"Lab's sealed, Sir. We're stuck in this room until 'Clean-up' comes through... 24 Hours at least, to be sure we're not carrying anything."
"Hmmph!"
---------------------------
PHEW!
Some real crackers there.
Pick your top three and we'll see who is the champ.
Voting ends when I get bored.
Peace out
BCB
1. Jim Campbell. Another day at Mega-City One customs. Bang on, sir.
2. Lobo Baggins. Audio transcript (no visual). Genuinely creepy
3. Bad city blue. What's the point, man? Nice characterisation.
Hm. TLS. The Dredd parrot sketch. (Yes, I know)
1. Jim Campbell, Another day at Mega-City One Customs.
2Lobo Baggins, Audio Transcript (No Visual).
3. MikeD, Sam 'n' Dickory.
Really enjoyed the humour involved in these entries!
1st. JABISH - Man Annoyed by Computer Hypersarcasm
2nd. THE LEGENDARY SHARK 2 - Mine
3rd. BAD CITY BLUE - What's The Point, Man
Good luck folks!
1: HEATH C ACKLEY - The Stiletto and the Hammer
2: JIM CAMPBELL - Another Day At Mega-City One Customs
3: EAMONN CLARKE - Necklace of figs
HM: MIKED - Sam 'n' Dickory
1. Jim Campbell
2. Napalm Kev 1
3. Eamonn Clarke
Hard to choose just 3, but then it always is...
1st: JABISH - Man Annoyed by Computer Hypersarcasm
2nd: BAD CITY BLUE - What's The Point, Man
3rd: LEGENDARY SHARK 2 - Mine
Honorouble mentions:
THE LEGENDARY SHARK - The Quartermaster's Office Sketch
JIM CAMPBELL - Another Day At Mega-City One Customs
MikeD - Sam 'n' Dickory.
Great stuff, everyone
1. Heath C Ackley - The Stiletto and the Hammer
2. Bolt 01 - Sam Slade, Robo-Hunter in BEEP
3. Eamonn Clarke - Necklace of Figs
HM - Napalmkev 1 &2, Bad City Blue
1) Eamonn Clarke - Necklace of figs
2) THE LEGENDARY SHARK - The Quartermaster's Office Sketch
3) LOBO BAGGINS 2 - SFX (even more Pythonesque!)
Good scribllin' all - sorry I've been away - next comp I'll have a go & might dust off the Rogue Trooper strap line I was so kindly supplied but never delivered... tch, writers eh?
It's harder to vote than to write a 'kin entry! All great stories.
1) JABISH
2) MIKED
3) Eamonn Clarke
HM' s to Sharky and BCB
Gah, I totally failed to do mine. I was just ripping off 'Some Like it Hot' with Ace Garp so no great loss.
1. Necklace of Figs - Eamonn Clarke
2. What's the point man - Bad City Blue
3. SFX - Lobo Baggins.
HM to Jabish Man Annoyed by Computer Hypersarcasm
Good work all
My votes go like this
1. Mega-City Customs
2. The Gronk in Mega-City 1
3. Necklace of Figs.
Some very good entries in a month with a tough brief (too tough for me, the creative juices did not flow).
Still time for more votes (please)
Thought I';d hold my vote in case of tie breaks, but not neccessary.
Anyway, I'd have gone for Lobo, Jim and Jabish
Results thread now up