Eurovision 2010.

[Jared Katooie]

This is Jared Katooie, reporting live from Jared's room. Throughout the evening I'll be providing you with constant updates from the event of the year, the 55th Eurovision Song Contest!

Currently the presenters are explaining the new voting rules - you can now cast your vote at any point during the show!

And now they've announced the start of the show!

Good luck Ireland!

[Jared Katooie]

01) Azerbaijan

A tender love song, sung by a moderately attractive woman wearing a dress made of crepe paper. The song deals with the tragic reality of a relationship breakdown, revealed when the husband heads home "smelling of lipstick".

5/10


02) Spain

"Something tiny". Curly from the three stooges is on stage. He is accompanied by a clown, a doll, a ballerina, and a soldier. They are dressed in pink. The stage has pink lights. It emits pink smoke.

A man apparently jumped on stage!

4/10

[Jared Katooie]

03) Norway

"My heart is yours". This looks like a very boring love song. I'm waiting for it to suddenly ramp up the volume and pace, and become good. Nope. Nothing. Oh wait...

The chorus came in. It's picked up a bit, but it's all very meh.

The Norwegians seem to like it.

3/10


04) Moldova

The promo shows a women dressed as a robot hooker, so I'm hopeful.

Ooh fire! There's some kind of terrible hip-hop dancing. Robo-hooker is doing a duet with a non-descript chap. The saxaphone solos are pretty good, althoug the sax player looks like he takes fashion tips from Vanilla Ice.

Well that was lovely.

6/10

[Jared Katooie]

05) Cyprus

What a fake country. The band is composed a buch of people from Scotland, Wales etc. There's only one Cypriot! The lead singer seems to be some sort of N-Sync reject. This looks like another crushingly dull entry.

See, this is what happens when you let these phoney countries in. My knowledge is geography is admittedly poor, but as far as I know, Cyprus is just a small bit of Spain that they didn't want. They couldn't even scar eup any musicians for Eurovision.

1/10


06) Bosnia Herzegovina

A peal of thunder. A man with a shark fin on his head is lisping out a rock/pop number. Now he's pulling off a halfway decent guitar solo. Or miming it. Three classy ladies in tight dresses and two guys provide vocal support.

6/10

[Jared Katooie]

07) Belgium

This guy won the Belgina X-Factor. Hmm. This just some guy and his guitar. He points this out during the song when he sings the line "just me and my guitar". This looks like another snorefest.

Went off for a toilet break. Rubbish song.

2/10

Thanks to the guy that jumped on stage, they're going to redo the Spanish song!


08) Serbia

"This is the Balkans". HOLY COW THIS GUY LOOKS LIKE A WOMAN! His skin appears to be mad of plastic. Two guys perform some pretty feeble acrobatics while two women stand in a tube, looking the opposite direction.

This guy is a terrible singer. The brass band music is great, though.

8/10

[House of Usher]

I can't believe how quickly this is moving. Since Doctor Who I've started making a stew. The potatoes, swede and carrots are done. So are the onions, peppers, quorn and a chilli for luck in another pan. Just waiting for the cauliflower and broccoli now. In the meantime I mixed myself a hardcase.

Had the Eurovision on in the dining room, and I can't believe we're on the tenth number already. I feel like I've only seen three.

[Jared Katooie]

The presenters are back on. Apparently this is the most-viewed show in the world. Straight to the next song.

09) Belarus

Another made-up country. One of the Jonas brother is singing. Another snoozefest methinks. "and weare lake batterfliieesss".

Another guy is singing now. It's tough to make out what he's saying. There's a very retro look to some of the singers here. The ladies seem to have used a great deal of hairspray, and those sequined gowns are so 70s...

That guy is singing again "and hapfuly day maka fa ffuffuuuu"

2/10


IRELAND IS NEXT!

10) Ireland

Niamh Kavanagh. Former winner. Ireland's pride at stake. Can we regain our...

OH GOD, IS THAT A TIN WHISTLE?! Actually the song is pretty good. Relatively speaking. Not a patch on last years though. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-n--JnAwirk.

5/10

Fingers crossed.

[Jared Katooie]

11) Greece

Swarthy tatooed men are dancing to traditional Greek techno music. The lead singer is about 50. He looks a bit tired/tipsy. The dance moves seem to be along the lines of "pretend to bowl", "pretend to fish", "pretend to fill a box with books".

VIOLIN SOLO!

Man, that lead singer isn't even trying to dance, he can barely move his legs...


Marty Whelan made some joke about how the Greeks have no mney, but I didn't hear.

8/10


12)United Kingdom

Ponces in illuminated boxes. Three chavettes stand on top, in their best frocks. This is the kind of music that people with chastity rings like to listen to. What the hell are those two guys doing? AT one point one of these "dancers" sits own and points his leg at the singer.

The chavettes are singing now. Apparently they were chosen for their looks. Hm. The lads are getting back into their boxes. Ship 'em home

3/10

And it's the break! I'm gonna grab a sandwich before I have an anuerysm!

[Jared Katooie]

13) Georgia

CRAP! Missed the start! Another non-country here. The vocalist is pretty easy on the eye, plus she winked at me! I wouldn't stand much of a chance with those two bare-chsted sailors draping themselves all over her. One of them los just like fictional serial killer Dexter.

6/10


14) Turkey

Band is named manga. Guy looks like a nerd too. Funky rock music is playing. Two robot women are onstage. I think the last gig these guys played was comic-con. The robot women are robot dancing. Wait a minut, that's a power ranger helmet!

The robot woman is undressing. This song is an epileptics nightmare. Non-stop strobe. The robot has removed her casing now, revealing a moderately hot, leater-clad woman.

7/10

[Jared Katooie]

15) Albania

"It's all about you". Julian pasha sings. A younger Madonna is on stage. She has three gospel singers and a violinist. The song has a bit of energy, which is nice.

VIOLIN SOLO! Ew, he looked at me weird...

Actually, Julianna isn't a bad singer. A decent song.

8/10


16) Iceland

Will they be wearing potato sacks? She is! Oh wait, no. It's a pair of old red curtains. Another good singer here. Another love song, she's currently singing about "when the clouds are gone". How apt, as Marty pointed out.

The singers name is Her Bjork, whch might, you imagine, come in handy when trying to get gigs. "Bjork for Eurovision? Great!". Good song.


8/10

[Jared Katooie]

17) Ukraine

"Sweet people". The stage is allred. A monk stand solemnly. She's pulled back her hood now. Her eyes are a bit weird. She's a good voice, but she's not winning me over with this talk of killing and injustice in the world.

She's being buffeted by winds now. These serve an important metaphoriacal purpose. With the bright lights you can see through her dress.

4/10


18) France

Jesse Matador from the Congo sings this one. It's got quite an African vibe. More terrible dancing, it looks like someones jabbed him in the behind with a pitchfork. Now one of the women has smacked him in the arse. It's helped.

He is currently instructing the audience to "clap their hands". Oh c'mon! They're holding one leg and dancing in a circle. Who coreagraphed this, an 8 year old?

And some shouting to finish.

3/10

[House of Usher]

France had a pretty strong upbeat number. They'll get some points for that.

[Jared Katooie]

19) Romania

"Playing with fire". Overhead view of a double-sided electric piano. The two singers are playing. The guy loks like he was discovered in the local hardware store. The song takes the form of a conversation between two young lovers wooing each other. Apparently this involves the man assuring the woman that he does not want to fight her, before she suggests that they indulge in a little light arson.

Special mention should be mentioned of the female singers trousers which appear to have been painted on.

5/10


20) Russia

"Lost and Forgotten". Sad piano music. Uh oh. The lead singer is dressed a sa beggar. It is snowing. This is a seriously gloomy song. "What are you doing man?" a man inquires in a monotone voice. "Loooking aaat heeer photoooo" sings the singer while looking at a crude drawing of a woman. "Throw it in the fire." the other guy responds flatly.


2/10

[Jared Katooie]

Only five left, and Spain again. I bet they paid that guy to jump on stage.

21) Armenia

I have no idea where this country is, or anything about it. A women with large.. lung capacity sings while a man with a jug prances around.

The songs meaing is indecipherable. It seems to be about an apricot stone. There's a giant apricot stone on the stage. The guy with the jug waterred it and it sprouted. Good?

7/10


22) Germany

"Satellite". The German singer has a thick Welsh accent for some reason. "I painted my toenails for you, I did it just the other day". Truly she is speaking of a special love. One of her cheerleaders is a dog.

5/10

[House of Usher]

In Wales we thought she was affecting an Irish accent!