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Author Topic: Oct/Nov SHORT STORY COMP! "Bdum... Tish!"  (Read 317 times)

Bad City Blue

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Oct/Nov SHORT STORY COMP! "Bdum... Tish!"
« on: 17 October, 2017, 10:41:05 pm »
Before we start, can I just say that being occupied by Mek Quake is no fun.

I was told to teach him chess.

Took the thick drokker three days to stop calling the knight a horsey. Never again...

Anyway, let's have another comp, running until the end of November.

The title, as you can see, is "Bdum... Tish!".

This is the traditional sound effect of a good old punchline, so what I want to see is a story that has a nice punchline at the end. Use any character but try to have some fun.

Oh, and Johnny Alpha stories that end with "Every dog has his day" are BANNED! :P

Bad City Blue

The Legendary Shark

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Re: Oct/Nov SHORT STORY COMP! "Bdum... Tish!"
« Reply #1 on: 20 October, 2017, 01:42:53 am »
The name's Saturday. Joe Saturday. I used to be a chronocop. But that's all in the future now. My ex-partner, who's going to be my friend, is trying to kill me. His name is Thursday. Ed Thursday. He has a gun. A big gun. He's pointing it at my head.

"'Bye, Joe," he says. He talks in short sentences. We both do. It saves time.

"Don't do it, Ed," I say.

He holds up a calendar. It's marked with crayon. "Already did," he says.

His trigger finger tightens. I sweat.

There's a flash. It goes "FWARP." A man appears. He has weird eyes and an even bigger gun.

"Alpha," he says. "Here to help you. Get you away. Enlist your skills at the Doghouse."

I hide behind him. I'm relieved.

"FWARP." Another flash. Another mutant appears. He has a weird face and a big hat. "Rot you, Alpha," he says. "You got Saturday but I get Thursday. He's coming with me."

"FWARP." He disappears with Ed.

I look at Alpha. "What gives?"

"Time job," he says. "Need your expertise. Styx just made it a race."

I nod. We go.

I guess every day has his dog.


Echidna

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Re: Oct/Nov SHORT STORY COMP! "Bdum... Tish!"
« Reply #2 on: 20 October, 2017, 09:39:25 am »
[Airhorn.wav] Winner, competition over

The Legendary Shark

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Re: Oct/Nov SHORT STORY COMP! "Bdum... Tish!"
« Reply #3 on: 20 October, 2017, 10:44:53 am »
Heh, thank you - very premature, of course, but thank you :-)


Bad City Blue

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Re: Oct/Nov SHORT STORY COMP! "Bdum... Tish!"
« Reply #4 on: 20 October, 2017, 12:03:52 pm »
I'll allow it

The Legendary Shark

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Re: Oct/Nov SHORT STORY COMP! "Bdum... Tish!"
« Reply #5 on: 20 October, 2017, 01:37:18 pm »
:D Cheers! (It was a bit cheeky...)


NapalmKev

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Re: Oct/Nov SHORT STORY COMP! "Bdum... Tish!"
« Reply #6 on: 21 October, 2017, 07:37:14 am »
I'm not sure if this qualifies, but here it is anyway.


Did he want Fries with that?


Due to the ineptitude of a Justice Department Psychiatrist, Mean Machine Angel has been paroled into a work release programme.


Mean glared down at the Juve and handed him his No: 46 - Hot Munce wings with Mock-Choc sauce. "Thank you, Sir." He resisted the urge to leap across the counter and 'Bok' the Spug into oblivion. Staying out of the Cubes was his main concern... for the moment. "Enjoy your meal!"

"Yeah, Drokk you, Slaphead!" The Juve walked away laughing and the queue shuffled forward. A family of four were next.

"Welcome to 'Masticators'. How can I help?"

"Well, for starters I want two 'Juve-Meals' wit-"

"I'm sorry, sir. When placing your order you have to quote the meal number. Juve meals start at number 75 and end at 155." Mean could feel the rage smouldering within.

"Oh, ok." He scanned the board "Can I have a 75 and a 77, Fattie-Size-

"I'm sorry ,sir. Here at 'Masticators' we don't like to use language that may offend-" Drokk you, Spughead, he thought to himself and again resisted the urge to leap the counter. He knew he was on the verge of losing it. Big time! "Standard size is 'Slender', 'Fattie' is Large, and we also have a Mega-size which is called 'Face full'"

The guy sighed. "Right then, I'll have a 75 and a 77, Large. My wife would like a 69 with extra sausage, Large."

Mean was about ready to go Nuclear "And for you, Sir?"

The guy licked his lips "I'll have a 'Face full' of number 4!"

BOK!

clavell

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Re: Oct/Nov SHORT STORY COMP! "Bdum... Tish!"
« Reply #7 on: 21 October, 2017, 03:11:43 pm »
 :lol: :lol: :lol:

Nice one NapalmKev.

- C
Writing Future Shocks is hard !

The Legendary Shark

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Re: Oct/Nov SHORT STORY COMP! "Bdum... Tish!"
« Reply #8 on: 21 October, 2017, 05:37:35 pm »
Great stuff!


IAMTHESYSTEM

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Re: Oct/Nov SHORT STORY COMP! "Bdum... Tish!"
« Reply #9 on: 27 October, 2017, 03:56:46 pm »
 I think the Shark has it but here's my ditty.

                                                                      Numbers Up.

The world runs on numbers, so Vince McGuffin counted the seconds as the clock outside Fulcrum Publishers Chief Editors office passed 4:55 PM.  He'd pitched his idea despite annoyance from the seniors gathered around the office's dingy table. A Junior Staff Writer like Vince proposing anything was laughable too them, but the Chief said he'd scrutinise it carefully.

'Pre-millennial tension.' Vince recalled himself saying to his sceptical colleagues, 'and the success of this recent Film called 'Star Wars' meant younger readers were primed to accept a new product, my suggested science fiction based comic strip!'

Groans and catcalls engulfed the Editors room at his proposal, but the Chief Editor wanted a 'private discussion' with the Seniors, and so Vince had found himself outside in the dark corridor. The clock's minute hand click on to nearly 5:00 PM. Other Numbers would now decide his project the cold, hard arithmetic of commerce. Even the proposed comics name was a number, and Vince recalled the undisguised contempt amongst the editors after he'd spoken it aloud.

'2000 AD?!' one snorted with derision. 'Load o' cobblers!'

Suffice to say the Junior writer received no financial breakdowns or fancy sales graphs. No, instead the Chief Editor ordered him inside, then thrust a slip of paper into Vince's Hand with a recognisable if damning number printed on it.

P45.
“You may live to see man-made horrors beyond your comprehension.”

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Eamonn Clarke

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Re: Oct/Nov SHORT STORY COMP! "Bdum... Tish!"
« Reply #10 on: 08 November, 2017, 09:35:52 am »
Joking Time

A man walked in to a bar. “Ow!”

On the counter a 12 inch man was playing a tiny piano. The guy next to me started to explain how he met a genie who granted wishes.

I lost interest when a small ghostly dog walked in holding its severed tail in its mouth. The barman took the tail and with a few drops of glue reattached it to the translucent terrier who wagged it cheerfully as the barman pointed to a sign that read “Licensed to retail spirits.”

A horse walked up and the barman asked “Why the long face?”

Next to me a gorilla complained about the amount he had been charged for a pint.

A group of surrealists holding fish and a step ladder walked past. “Don’t mind them,” said the barman, “they’re just here to change the lightbulb.”

I ordered a Crocodile beer and asked him to make it snappy. He brought me my drink and asked for a double entendre, so I gave him one.

A woman beside me said “Hi, handsome, what’s long, hard and full of semen?”

“A submarine.” I brushed her off and turned to meet my contact.

“Agent Fraud, you’re looking well. What’s long, brown and sticky?”

I gave the expected code response, “A stick. What’s going on, Young?”

“Haven’t got the joke yet? We’re in a Jocularity. A nexus point of humour, a collapsing wave equation of bad gags. We have to knot up the ravelled sleeve of care and then move onto the next prime location in our exploding clown car.”

“This isn’t Agency work, what do we know about humour?”

“You wrote a treatise on the meaning of jokes, Fraud. I read it to my students and they slept like babies. Screaming and covered in their own excrement.”

In a corner of the room Holmes and Watson were explaining the riddle of the missing tent. I’d heard it before and another listen would be too tense. Around us the humour became much cruder. A blue shift if ever I heard one.

Something large and menacing moved in the rafters above us.

“Is that a blind dinosaur?”

“Do you think he saw us?”

“What the hell are those things?”

“Time flies.”

“Like an arrow?”

“No, these ones prefer a banana. Watch out for the skin. Whoops. Let me help you up.”

A woman holding a penguin said “He’s already been to the zoo so I’m taking him to the pictures instead.”

“Whatever you’re going to do you better do it soon, Young.”

“Almost ready, we’re approaching the gag response point now. Wait for it.”

A man rushed in “Guys, you’ve gotta come outside, the chicken says he’s finally figured it all out!”

Young called “Now!” and there was a popping sound as all the laughter died. We were done.

“Another successful case for Fraud and Young. Now how does our old joke go?”

“Neurotics build castles in the sky, psychotics live in them ...”

“And psychiatrists collect the rent!”