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Author Topic: Squaxx Telling Jokes  (Read 9497 times)

Jo-L

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #30 on: 04 December, 2014, 02:31:17 am »
Two fishes are in a tank.  One fish says to the other fish...  Do you know how to drive this thing?

amines2058

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #31 on: 04 December, 2014, 05:54:07 am »
Two parrots stood on a perch. One says to the other:  "Can you smell fish?"

Spaceghost

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #32 on: 04 December, 2014, 11:49:58 am »
A man turns up to a fancy dress party wearing a green jumpsuit, with a woman clinging onto his back.

"Who are you supposed to be?" asks the host.

"I'm a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle." the man explains.

"Well, who's this?" asks the host gesturing towards the woman.

The man replies, "It's Michelle."
Raised in the wild by sarcastic wolves.

Previously known as L*e B*tes. Sshhh, going undercover...

The Legendary Shark

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #33 on: 04 December, 2014, 12:15:24 pm »
A Higgs Boson walks into a church and the priest shouts, "Hoy, you! Get out! We don't want your kind in here!"
.
"But why?" asks the Higgs Boson, "You know you can't have mass without me..."

amines2058

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #34 on: 04 December, 2014, 12:18:42 pm »
What do you call a leper in a hot tub......

Stew!

amines2058

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #35 on: 04 December, 2014, 12:19:46 pm »
What do you call a Judge with no thumbs...

Justice Fingers!!

Tiplodocus

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #36 on: 04 December, 2014, 12:38:33 pm »
There's a ship wreck and the only two survivors are Dave and Cindy Crawford.

Over the years, as they struggle to survive on the desert island, the two develop a deep and mutual appreciation of each other that leads to love.

More years pass and one night, as they gaze wistfully at the stars, and think how lucky they are to have survived, to have found each other, and, despite being cast away from their families and friends, how they  have found happiness, Cindy asks, "Dave, I'm really happy with our love life but I want to make sure that you are too. Is there anything that you would like me to do?"

Dave thinks a while and says, "If you wouldn't mind, could you please dress as a man this evening?"

Cindy is slightly taken aback but, keen to please the man she loves deeply, agrees.

She returns to the campfire dressed in a pair of Dave's trousers, a shirt and has even fashioned a false moustache from some coconut matting.

Dave smiles appreciatively. "What's your name?", he asks.

"It's... er.... Bob", replies Cindy.

He winks at her.

"Well, Bob. You'll never guess who I've been shagging."
Be excellent to each other. And party on!

The Legendary Shark

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #37 on: 04 December, 2014, 02:36:32 pm »
The only survivors of a diplomatic 'plane crash, the three ex-presidents of the United States trudge through the blazing Iraqi desert.
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"Hey, lookie here, y'all," says President Carter, retrieving a dull brass object from the sand. "Looks like a gen-ewe-whine magic lamp!"
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"Ooh, rub it, rub it!" says President Clinton lasciviously, stroking his thighs with the palms of his hands.
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"Ah do believe Ah will," said President Carter and buffed at the old lamp with a stained napkin he'd once managed to steal off Air Force One.
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CILLITTAH-POOF! A Djinn appears and is so happy to be free at last that he grants each of the three ex-presidents one wish apiece.
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"That's easy," says President Carter, "Ah wish Ah was back home on ma peanut farm, sippin' a cool one on ma porch with ma best gal on ma knee!"
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CILLITTAH-BANG! And the ex-president is gone!
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The Djinn turns to President Clinton who says, with a glint in his eye, "I wanna' be in the showers with the Washington All-Girls Beach Volleyball Team, a keg of German beer, a crate of French wine and Hilary nowhere to be seen!"

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CILLITTAH-BANG! And the ex-president is gone!
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The Djinn turns to the last ex-president, who is lost in thought. "Jeez, I just dunno," says George Doubya, "I wish Jimmy and Bill were here, they'd help me decide..."
.

The Legendary Shark

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #38 on: 04 December, 2014, 03:45:00 pm »
So - myself, Tordelback and Jim_Cameron are all killed in a freak accident when a YouTube video reverses into the forum, causing the Political Thread to collapse while we're all still in it. So, up we all waft to Heaven.
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Being an idiot, I go up to the Pearly Gates first. "Name?" St Peter asks me. I tell him and he runs his quill down the list of names in his ledger. He turns the page and starts again, then goes back to the first page again before retrieving another, very much fatter, ledger from his desk drawer. He flicks through the pages and finally settles on one. "Hmm," he says.
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"'Hmm'?" I ask, "what do you mean, 'hmm'? What the fuck is 'hmm'?"
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"Well," says St Peter sadly, "you're a borderline case - very borderline. In fact, I should really turn you away..."
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"Now, let's not be hasty," I plead, "I've been bad but I was never properly evil, was I? I cried for days after I poisoned that goat, didn't I?" He checks the ledger and nods and so I continue. "Come on - Pete - there must be a way!"
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"Well," says St Peter, "there is a way in for you but it entails being chained to the most po-faced, hatchet-nosed, sharp-mouthed, sour-tempered, hideous old crone you can imagine for all Eternity. Either that or... the Other Place."
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"Deal me in!" I say, and am chained to Magda - who hates, and is hated by, everything - but once through the Pearly Gates, Heaven's wonders before me at last, all seems worth it.
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I'm wandering through the comic blossoms, trying to ignore Magda's incessant, phleghmy complaining when I see Tordelback wandering the same graphic orchard looking for the Star Wars bushes and chained to Magda's marginally prettier twin sister, Mogda.
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"Only just get in?" I ask, and Tordelback nods sadly. "Never mind," I say, and we go off looking for the Star Wars bushes and the Strontium Dogweed together. We are just browsing through an unexpectedly interesting Manga Meadow when we spot, way over behind the D.C. Hedgerows, Jim_Cameron - but something's not right.
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Tordelback and I squint and then we both see it at the same time - tied to Jim's wrist with a length of soft velvet rope is Zoe Saldana! Well, Tordels and I are not having that so we go straight back to St Peter to complain.
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Being an idiot, I do all the talking. "Now, look here, my good saint, this is not on! Here's us two, Tordels and me, chained to this fetid pair of warty lumps for the rest of forever and - who do we see out there? Jim_bloody_Campbel, that's who! And he's tied - not chained, mind, like us two poor sods - tied with a velvet rope to Zoe Saldana! I mean, what the fuck, man?"
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"Well, that Zoe," said St Peter, shaking his head sadly, "she only just got in..."
.
*no offence, Tordels and Jim - just a bit of fun!*
.

The Legendary Shark

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #39 on: 04 December, 2014, 03:49:19 pm »
D.P. Removed.
« Last Edit: 04 December, 2014, 03:56:00 pm by The Legendary Shark »

NapalmKev

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #40 on: 04 December, 2014, 04:46:03 pm »
A Giraffe, a Sausage and a tin of Beans walk into a Bar.



The Guy behind the bar decides there and then that he's never taking Acid again!

Cheers

Skullmo

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #41 on: 04 December, 2014, 05:01:54 pm »
A horse walks into a bar


The Bar Manager leads it out because it has no place there.
It's a joke. I was joking.

Skullmo

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #42 on: 04 December, 2014, 05:02:53 pm »
What did Batman say to Robin before he got in the car?


Get in the car.




One of my favourite anti-jokes
It's a joke. I was joking.

ZenArcade

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #43 on: 04 December, 2014, 11:09:33 pm »
Good to see Shark and Tordel are new besties. I'm glad he used Jim Cameron in the joke and not Our own inestimable Jim Campbell.

Anyway....what's the difference between a police car and a hedgehog?

On a hedgehog the pricks are on the outside. Z
Ed is dead, baby Ed is...Ed is dead

Ghost MacRoth

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #44 on: 04 December, 2014, 11:19:28 pm »
Two parrots sitting on a perch, one turns to the other and asks, 'Can you smell fish?'

Englishman, Irishman, and Scotsman walk into a bar, bartender says, 'what's this, some kinda joke?'

What's brown and sticky?  A stick.
I don't have a drinking problem.  I drink, I get drunk, I fall over.  No problem!