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Squaxx Telling Jokes

Started by The Legendary Shark, 22 November, 2014, 09:12:18 AM

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The Legendary Shark

At the emergency communications centre, the operator receives a breathless call.
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"Emergency, how can I help you, caller?"
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"I was out in the woods, hunting with my boss, when all of a sudden he just gasped, clutched his chest and fell to the floor! He's all white and he isn't moving and I don't know what to do!!"
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"Okay, caller, try to remain calm."
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"But I don't know what to do!"
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"Well, the first thing to do is make sure if he's dead."
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"Okay," says the caller. There is a brief silence over the line broken by the sudden explosion of a gunshot. "Right," continues the caller, "what next?"
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shaolin_monkey

(you may have heard this before)

A bear and a rabbit were having a poo in the woods.

The bear turned to the rabbit and asked 'Do you have problems with poo sticking to your fur?'

'No' said the rabbit.

So the bear wiped his arse with the rabbit.

The Legendary Shark

Johnny Alpha, Halo Jones and John Probe walk into a respectable bar.
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"Get out!" shouts the barkeep, "This ain't no strip joint!"
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Rog69

My wife just told me that she wants me to stop doing my impersonation of a flamingo.

I'm going to have to put my foot down.

The Legendary Shark

I just read that there are only eleven types of people in the world; those who understand Roman numerals and those who don't.
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The Enigmatic Dr X

There are, in fact, only 10 types of person in the world. Those who understand binary and those who don't.
Lock up your spoons!

shaolin_monkey

There are two types of people in the world - those that can extrapolate from incomplete data

Ghost MacRoth

2 bits of string walk into a bar. 

''2 pints please barman'' says string 1.
''Fuck off, we don't serve bits of string!!'  Says the barman.

Dejected, they leave.  On the way out, they meet their pal, another piece of string. 

''What's up with you two?''  asks string 3
''That bar won't serve us, say's he won't sell bevvy to bits of string.'' Says string 2.
''Oh really?'' says string 3.

He lays down, and contorts his slender form back and around on himself.  Once he is pleased with the knotted form he has made, he them began unravelling his own threads at one end, until they were an unruly mass of fibres.  With a steely determination in his eye, he heads into the bar.

''Three pints barman'' says string 3.
''Look, I told yer mates, now I'm telling you, I don't serve bits of string!'' Says the barman.
''Aha, but I'm not a bit of string'' says string 3 with confidence.
''Look, I know string when I see it, and you're clearly a bit of string, aren't you??'' questions the barman....

With a grin string 3 replies....''No, I'm a frayed knot''
I don't have a drinking problem.  I drink, I get drunk, I fall over.  No problem!

The Legendary Shark

She said, "you've only got a small organ, haven't you?"
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I said, "yes - but it's never played in a cathedral before."
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The Legendary Shark

#69
The Great Crocco has brought his act to the Village Hall.
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"Ladies and Gentlemen," the Great Crocco announces, "allow me to introduce Cedric, a 22 foot Nile crocodile - one of the fiercest creatures on Earth, who I have tamed!"
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To prove his claim, the Great Crocco gets his penis out, lays it in the crocodile's mouth and gently closes its jaws so that its cruel teeth rest on his todger. Then he produces a large mallet and thwacks Cedric on the head with all his might. He then opens Cedric's jaws again and displays his undamaged willy to the astounded audience.
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"Now," the Great Crocco says, "does anyone else want to try that?"
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There is a long pause and then a little old woman at the back tentatively raises her hand. "I'll have a go," she says, "so long as you don't hit me on the head so hard..."
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JayzusB.Christ

A horse walks into a restaurant and says 'Hay, waiter.'
"Men will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest"

I, Cosh

Quote from: JayzusB.Christ on 18 December, 2014, 06:19:26 PM
A horse walks into a restaurant and says 'Hay, waiter.'
and the waiter says "Why the long face?"
We never really die.

Definitely Not Mister Pops

A termite walks into a bar and asks "Is the bar tender here?"
You may quote me on that.

JayzusB.Christ

A baby seal walks into a club.
"Men will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest"

The Legendary Shark

A guy walks into a bar with a duck under one arm and a biscuit tin under the other. The barman is about to throw him out when the guy sets the biscuit tin on the bar and places the duck on top of it. To everyone's amazement, the duck begins to dance.
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"That's brilliant," the barman says. "If I had that dancing duck, people would flock from miles around to see it - I could make a fortune. You want to sell it?"
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The guy thinks about this for a moment before saying, reluctantly, "Well, I'd be loathe to see him go but I am skint. Still, I couldn't possibly let him go for less than £500."
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"It's a deal!" the barman says and pays the guy out of the till. The transaction completed, the guy says a tearful goodbye to the dancing duck and goes home.
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Just after midnight, the guy receives a 'phone call from the now frustrated barman. "This dancing duck is great," he says, "but the damned thing won't stop dancing and it's driving me nuts! Please - tell me how to make it stop!"
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"That's easy," says the guy. "Just take the lid off the biscuit tin and blow the candles out."
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