Are you bored?...Then lets set a record!!!

[esoteric ed]

A naughty joke!

Back in the swinging sixties, Michael Caine is holding a big showbiz party
in his swanky new house. Everyone who's anyone is there - top stars from the
world of movies and music, fashion and art.

There's a feast of pints, the best wines that money can buy; oysters,
champagne. Lennon and McCartney are helping themselves at the bar, Jim
Morrison and his band are sitting on the couch singing "Light My Fire" and
over in the corner George Peppard's getting very pally with Sophia Loren.

All's going really well, until Jim Morrison decided that he is bored out of
his skull, and wants to go home for an early night curled up with a good
book! "Oi, Jim" objects Michael Caine, "party's just got started. How's
about I get one of 'the ladies' to take you into the spare room for a bit of
'how's yer father?'".

"Fair play," nods Jim (well, that's not his exact words but you get the
gist), "as long as she does the rest of the band too".

"Not a problem, Jim," smiles Michael, as he pulls a young dolly bird in
close and whispers some instructions into her ear.

Half an hour later, the young lasses mouth is rather tired (!), when in walks
Ringo Starr from the Beatles. "Alright, luv?" he drones, "don't suppose you
fancy extending that service to me, do you?" The young woman thinks about
this for a second, then says "what the hell!" and proceeded to unzip Ringo's
fly and get to work. Ringo's having a grand time, until, mere moments from
the end, the door flies open and Michael Caine bursts in. He grabs the young
woman by the back of the hair and slaps her hard across the face!

"Wh-what was that for?" she whimpers.

"I told you," Caine snarls, "You were only supposed to blow the bloody Doors
off!"


:-0

Ed

[esoteric ed]

!http://www.imakeup.com/media/images/ringo.jpg">

[karne]

Damn that Q & A thread!

[Devons Daddy]

two guys from essex have a fiver between them. but want to go for a few beers.
the first chaps says i know. wait here.
he dives into the butchers shop and comes out with a large white bratwurst sausage.
what the hell is that for says his mate.

watch he says. just do as i tell you.
they march into the pub order two pints and two whiskeys. down them both.
the barman looks at them. the guy with sausage tells his friend get on your knees and put this in your mouth.
his friend does as he says and the guy slips the sausage out of his trousers zip.
the landlord sees them and screams get out of my bar.
they do. not paying for the the drinks.
great says the first guy. lets do this all night.
by the time they get to the tenth bar the chap who has been on his knees in every bar. says.
i cant do this anymore, 10 pints and ten whiskies.i had enough and my knees are killing me.
what says the guy with the sausage, how do you think i feel. i lost the damn sausage in the fourth bar.,

[seeneester]

The following are new Error Messages are planned for Windows 2000:

1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4) Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6) Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
8) This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
9) Windows message: "You have just made a type mismatch! Shall I format your brain?"
10) This is a message from God: "Rebooting the universe, please log off."
11) Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
12) BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
13) COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup and press any key.
14) CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
15) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16) Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
17) Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
18) Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
19) WinErr 547: LPT1 not found... Use backup... PENCIL & PAPER.
20) User Error: Replace user.
21) Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "OS/2 found: Remove it? (Y/Y)"
22) Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic.

[The Enigmatic Dr X]

Two bits of dirt are in a pub.
"I could take on anyone," says the first.
"What about him?" asks the other, pointing at a bit of gravel.
"Well, not him - he's a psycho path"

_____________________________________________

Why are Polo mints afraid to fight Tunes?
'Cos Tunes are pure menthol.

[The Monarch]

all work and no play makes david a dull boy

all work and no play makes david a dull boy

all work and no play makes david a dull boy

all work and no play makes david a dull boy

all work and no play makes david a dull boy

all work and no play makes david a dull boy

all work and no play makes david a dull boy

all work and no play makes david a dull boy

all work and no play makes david a dull boy

[The Enigmatic Dr X]

Morning all. It's Friday. I have a shed load of work to do. So, the obvious thing to do is add to this thread.

[Devons Daddy]

Doing the dishes
 
A guy is in the market for a used motorcycle. He always wanted a big Harley. He shops around, answering ads in the newspaper, and is not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner.

"This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape.

"Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.

The guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan).

That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm.

"Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go.

The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet.

So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word.

"Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence.

Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes."  

[Devons Daddy]

DRUG WARNING
Police warn all clubbers, partygoers, and unsuspecting bar regulars to be
alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A new date rape
drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target
unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now
available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large
"kegs."
"Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade
their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman
needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then
simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless
against this approach. After several "beers" men will often succumb to
desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would
never normally be attracted.
After drinking "beer," men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly
what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that
something bad occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's
savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." It has been reported
that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the
unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment
referred to as "marriage." Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this
scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory
female.
Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However, if you fall
victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it,
there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can
discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner
with similarly affected, like-minded guys.
For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow
pages.
 

[Devons Daddy]

An elderly man in Toronto calls his son in Ottawa and says, "I hate to ruin
your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.
Forty-five years of misery is enough."

Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "Were
sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your
sister in Winnipeg and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck
they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, "You are NOT
getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my
brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a
thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and
turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Christmas and paying
their own airfares!!

[Devons Daddy]

two strangers sat in a bar at the top of the empire state builiding.
the bigger of the two men states.to the stranger beside him.
if you jump out of the window.the wind force around the building will blow you onto the window ledge and you will be able to get back in the biulding and take the lift back to the bar you know.
the bar man looks and shakes  his head.
the second man says you have had to much to drink mate.
no really says the man.
the bar man looks down and shakes his head again.
prove it says the man, if you do i will buy you a beer.
ok  i will says the first guy.
 he jumps out of the window , sure enough at the tenth floor he suddenly seems to stop and go a little way back up . onto the window ledge and and then climbs in. gets the lift up to the bar.
wow says the amazed man. , here have another beer, the bar man shakes his head again.
was that real asks the clearly shocked chap.
sure i will do it again,he replies.,once again he does the exatt same thing.
the chap in the bar is totally amazed and buys his new friend another beer. i would never have belived it to be true.
do you think i can do it. sure says the first man.
 the bar man asks the second chap not to try.
but he goes ahead. jumps out the window.
he falls to his death.
the chap at the bar gets another beer.
the barman looks up and says'
you are such a bastard when you have been drinking superman.

[The Enigmatic Dr X]

DANGER! HIGH VOLTAGE!

Sorry - can't get that song out my head

[petemaskreplica]

I'll just wait around till springtime, and then i'll find a friend; In the field of oppurtunity its ploughing time again...

Link: Find out what i'm on about...

[Devons Daddy]

Dear Aunt Aggie,
 
I have a problem that I hope you can solve.  Three years ago, I met a girl, A, for whom I completely fell head over heels.  We started going together and soon became an item.  Recently there has been talk of marriage between her and her parents.  During the same time, a good friend of mine, B, broke off with her boyfriend and sought consolation in me.  Being a good friend, I was always there for her and before I knew it, started having feelings for her too.  This was of course not known to A, with whom I'm still going out.
 
At the same time, for reasons I am not sure of, I have decided not to tell B about A.  Not too long ago I met B's family and B's sister, C, took liking in me and asked me to join her and her friends for an outing.  Not wanting to disappoint her, I obliged, not letting B know.  At the outing, I met an old friend, D, whom I haven't seen for a long time.  She had been away in Australia for the last five years.  She had returned because her uncle has just died.  Even though she wasn't close to her uncle, he had left her, an inheritance, a house in Sydney and also all his money in his Swiss bank account.  I understand that this amount is more than enough for her to live very comfortably for the rest of her life.
 
Whilst we were talking, D confided in me that she has always been attracted to me.  She told me that she is still unattached and intended to remain so until she hears news that I'm already married.  She also told me that she had planned to contact me, disclose her true feelings to me if I'm still single and had hoped that by some chance I may even consider going to Sydney with her.  She felt that the fact of us meeting so coincidentally was due to some kind of fate.  Now, you  can see the fix I'm in.


My question, of course, is – should I fly SQ or Qantas?