Life Spugs because...

[Jim_Campbell]

My friend died this morning. I'm not asking for sympathy — this was a long time coming and I was more or less ready for it — I'm posting to say this:

For the love of God, take a long, hard look at how much you drink and how much those close to you are drinking. I can't put my finger on exactly when my friend went from 'liking a drink' to 'needing a drink' and from there to being entirely ruled by alcohol, but the signs were there. Drinking in the morning, hiding his drinking, in the end, just plain stinking of booze at pretty much any time of day.

Deep down, you know when someone close to you has a problem but it's in our natures to be non-confrontational, no one wants to start a fight with someone they care about, plus they will lie to you. They're already lying to themselves; lying to you is easy.

And we help them. We help them because we like a drink. We invite them to the pub, even though we know they're drinking too much. We make excuses for them. We validate their behaviour because big drinkers are 'legends'.

My friend lost his job, most of his friends, and ended his life in a hospital ward, bloated and yellow and unable to speak, where he spent three weeks waiting for the rest of his organs to fail while his partner watched helplessly. He was fifty-two.

That's where this path ends. You can't make anyone step off it, but, for the love of God, be ready to help them if they show the slightest inclination to change.

[Proudhuff]

hey Jim, Have lost a couple of close pals the same way, 100% behind what you say.

[The Legendary Shark]

Well said, Jim. My condolences on the loss of your friend. No matter the circumstances, expected or not, it always hurts.

[SmallBlueThing(Reborn)]

My condolences too, Jim. And you're right. I lost a friend ten years ago to alcohol, along with other substances and mental illness. Throughout the last year's of his life, despite his obvious problems, he was routinely invited out on heavy sessions by mutual acquaintances who found it "funny" to watch him at his worst. It was inevitable and heartbreaking, and when I found out about his death (pissed, stoned and overdosed in the literal gutter on the street where his mum lived) my anger at those acquaintances boiled over and lasts to this day.
He was 36.
SBT

[mightybren]

So sad I lost a friend to substance abuse some years ago. He had a heart attack at 32, and I regret not doing more to help him but like your friend, he was a 'legend'.

It was a good wake up call for me. I'll drink very rarely now and I'm a regular 10km runner. It's still tragic but I try to take something positive away from it.

Look after yourselves and your loved ones folks!

[Tjm86]

Words can't fill the void Jim but I will add my condolences.  I think you are right though, our culture enables problem drinking in a way that can be quite challenging.  Other former members of the Forces will probably recognise this but certainly back in my day, not drinking was very difficult and even almost frowned upon.  I remember the response in the squadron bar in Germany when I took a sip from a Stein being passed around the bar to celebrate someone's birthday.  The trainee Movers looked quite bemused when a massive cheer erupted. 

Down the Falklands it became a bit of a problem, particularly since my weapon of choice to manage depression was Vodka (please excuse the irony and if anyone here does consider this as sensible then please, as Jim says,  just don't).  Someone once said that you either become an alcoholic or a fitness fanatic down there.  So the method of self medication of the Black Dog became quite dangerous.  Fortunately my CO banned me from drinking which slowed things down a bit and helped me develop a more healthy relationship (with alcohol, not the Black Dog).

On the plus side, kids seem to be less inclined toward drinking to the same extent these days.  Certainly I don't hear them talking about their heavy sessions the way they used to about 10 years ago.  Statistics seem to back this up as well.  In fact, us Boarders are probably amongst the highest risk group.  Forty to Fifty somethings who have developed a rather too comfortable relationship with alcohol and find it too easy to justify a good session.  Maybe the Scottish Parliament's experiment with minimum pricing will be successful, help to address this problem and then catch on with the rest of the UK.

To all who have direct experience and have been affected by this, my heart goes out to you all folks.  Take care.

[TordelBack]

You're not looking for sympathy, Jim, but you have mine anyway: it's a hard thing to lose a friend under any circumstances, but surely more so when you feel complicit. Everything in your post rings true, thanks for setting it all out so painfully clearly.

[Jim_Campbell]

Gentlemen... thank you.

[HdE]

Aw, man - I logged in here to check on something silly and saw your post, Jim. SO unbelievably sorry, fella. It's stuff like this that puts everything else into perspective.

[Woolly]

Aw man. Deepest condolences for your loss, Jim.

[GrudgeJohnDeed]

I'm really sorry to hear that Jim, that's super shitty. I've got a very good mate in his early thirties who drinks 8 cans a night and it scares the shit out of me. I do try to talk to him about it as often as possible whilst trying to avoid being overbearing, but after reading your post I'll be doubling efforts. Thanks.

[ZenArcade]

Sorry to hear this Jim.  It's a hard thing losing someone you care about.  Z

[flip-r mk2]

Sorry to hear about your friend.

filippo

[von Boom]

Deepest condolences Jim. Losing a friend is very hard.

[Dark Jimbo]

Hours after finding out about Carlos last week, I lost a (great) uncle suddenly. I can't claim to have seen a lot of him over the years, but he was my Nan's beloved brother, and she was shattered by the news. She was in hospital within days, and been deteriorating ever since. Now it's a case of bringing her home for palliative care. My Uncle's funeral is next Friday and it's doubtful she'll make it even that long.

In that strange place in life where I'm about to lose my last grandparent.