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Parentel advisory Explicit content

Started by Jared Katooie, 28 July, 2002, 11:59:44 PM

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Jared Katooie

A SCARE AT BEDTIME 4
"LOVE & STRAW"


PODGE IS IN BED READING "BUTT SPECIALIST". RODGE IS COMING UP THE STAIRS MOANING.

PODGE:

Here she comes.

RODGE ENTERS DISHEVELED WITH STRAW COMING OUT OF EVERYWHERE.

RODGE:

I don't mind saying it, but I'm bollixed. That's fourteen days and nights that I've been helping farmer Queelin with his baling!

PODGE:

I thought he used the school children for that?

RODGE:

He says the little bollixes were charging too much!

PODGE:

Well how much is he paying you?

RODGE:

There's no money, I'm getting paid in kind!

PODGE:

Ah jaysus, you're not at that again!

RODGE:

No. He's paying me with a ticket to the Bailers Ball, that's on tonight. Hairy hole McKenzie told me that many a bachelor found his match at the Bailers Ball! Maybe tonight's the night that I'll find meself a wife!!

PODGE:

You'd want to cop onto yourself before you get sucked into farmyard life! There's many a way to die on a farm and let me tell ya the tale of the most tragic of all.

RODGE:

Will this take long? Only I have to dowse me tackle in a basin before I head out.

PODGE:

Shut up ya scuttering Gobsheen. Farmer Mickey Slurrey and his wife Imelda ran a two hundred acre farm in Bilge near Minge in County Cavan.

RODGE:

I know Minge but I don't know Bilge!

PODGE:

Anyway they single handedly ran the entire farm between them as they were too mean to hire any help. They'd rather let cattle die than hand over a couple of shillings to a vet. Up the road from them was "Footloose Farm" owned by widower Kenny Loggins and his beloved daughter Lisa. One day The Slurreys got a phonecall, it was the social services. "You may not have heard but your neighbour Mr.Loggins died last night!" Now if the Slurreys could have given less of a shite they would have."So?" said farmer Mickey." Well Mr.Loggins indicated to us that when he died we were to offer you his farm in exchange for you to look after his daughter." The Slurreys couldn't resist a bit of free land and a bit of slave labour to boot.

RODGE:

Jaysus they're some mean mothers!

PODGE:

You're not wrong there, poor Lisa had lost her dad and was now faced with a life of slavery, single handedly running a 220 acre farm, whilst her legal guardians sat back on there fat arses and ordered her around. During the next of years of hard labour they never let her socialize or have any friends "There's six buckets of slop to be fed to the pigs" Farmer Slurrey would bark "Then get in there and make us our dinner". But Lisa did have one friend.

RODGE:

Was it the tumble dryer? Ho, ho.

PODGE:

No ya feckless rogue, she had a found a friend in the Scarecrow in the lower field.

RODGE:

A feckin scarecrow.

PODGE:

Look the poor girl was slowly losing her marbles, but talking to her inanimate friend seemed to help her cope. The only trouble was after a while she got a little too attached and started to believe that the scarecrow was her boyfriend. She'd share her most intimate thoughts and he'd listen to her every word. Sometimes she'd embrace him for hours imagining that he was her lover.

RODGE:

Cuckoo!

PODGE:

Her life of slavery was only made bearable by the thought of her seeing her scarecrow lover every night. One evening on the way home from the pub Farmer Slurrey spotted Lisa with her straw stuffed lover. He had long had his eye on her and this gave him a dirty idea!

RODGE:

The feckin' pervo. Although mind you..

PODGE:

The next day Lisa sneaked out to rendezvous with her scarecrow boyfriend. But there was something about him that evening, his eyes looked real. Could he be coming to life? This could be her dream come true. She embraced him with more love than ever and lo behold his stick arms responded, then she felt the bulge...

RODGE:

The dirty fecker.

PODGE:

..The bulge of the pitchfork that had just been rammed into the back of scarecrow and through his front.

RODGE:

What the feck his going on?

PODGE:

Y'see the farmers wife Imelda had come out to find her husband and saw the foolish girl talking to the scarecrow and decided to put an end to such nonsense and destroy her straw boyfriend. And even she was confused when there was blood spurting out of the scarecrows belly. Poor Lisa lost it and grabbed the pitchfork from her love and slaughtered the farmers wife. From behind the mask, Farmer Slurrey looked on in horror and as he bled out the last thing he saw was Lisa plunging the pitchfork into her already broken heart.

RODGE:

All three dead, nicely wrapped up, no lose ends. C'mere it's getting late, are you sure Farmer Queelin didn't call round with me tickets for the Ball?

PODGE:

Queelin called round alright!

RODGE:

Did he not have the tickets?

PODGE:

He had my tickets!

RODGE:

Your tickets? They were for me. Perhaps he thought you were me, us being twins and all! Yeah that must be it!

PODGE:

No, when I answered the door he said "Here's your tickets!"

RODGE:

Yes but he thought..

PODGE:

He thought nothing, now don't be whinging on like a spoilt pup! You'll ruin my night!

RODGE:

But..

PODGE IS NOW OUT OF THE BED AND HEADING FOR THE DOOR.

PODGE:

Will you sleep on the landing, I'm planning on bringing my new wife back here, and I'll need all the bed I can get!

END.