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Squaxx Telling Jokes

Started by The Legendary Shark, 22 November, 2014, 09:12:18 AM

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Definitely Not Mister Pops

How do you milk a sheep?

Sell the new iphone for a grand
You may quote me on that.

sheridan

Quote from: The Legendary Shark on 18 September, 2017, 09:02:32 PM
They were all still alive when I first heard this joke.

Not sure I see how that joke works if they're all alive - the punchline is 'no hope', etc.  (yes, I know, explaining jokes never works!)

The Legendary Shark

As Barry Cryer said, "analysing comedy is like dissecting a frog; nobody laughs and the frog dies."

[move]~~~^~~~~~~~[/move]




JamesC

What singer never gets gravy down his shirt?


Napkin Cole
(He's dead as well)

Definitely Not Mister Pops

Termite walks into a bar and asks " Is the bar tender, here?"
You may quote me on that.

Professor Bear

A man walks into a bar with a crocodile on a leash and asks "do you serve humans?"
The bartender instinctively says "Of course." and the man nods toward the crocodile and says "I'll have a pint, and he'll have a human."
The bartender suddenly realises he's in a bad joke and tries to back out "Actually, I just remembered, we don't have any humans today.  I've not even a pygmy back here."
"Just as well."  Says the man "I daren't let him start out on the shorts or he'd fucking wreck this place."

Smith

Why does Rogue like Magneto?
He's attractive.

von Boom

A snail was mugged by a tortoise. When the police asked the snail if he could describe his assailant the snail replied, 'No, it happened too fast.'

Smith

What do superheroes put in their drinks?
Just ice.

Hawkmumbler

How many Irish men does it take to plant an Acorn?

Tree.

[spoiler]'Zac's not being let into the Emerald isle anytime soon'[/spoiler]

TordelBack

Quote from: Hawkmumbler on 20 September, 2017, 08:50:01 PM
How many Irish men does it take to plant an Acorn?

Tree.


Ah, but how many does it take to cut down the oak that results?

[spoiler]The same: tree fellers.[/spoiler]

The Legendary Shark

I just got one of those anti-bullying wristbands - stole it off a fat kid.

[move]~~~^~~~~~~~[/move]




Smith

How do you drown a hipster?
In the mainstream.

The Legendary Shark

Q: If the Queen, Theresa May, Jeremy Corbyn, Nigel Dodds, Vince Cable and Mark Carney are on a ship in the middle of an Atlantic storm and the ship sinks, who is saved?

A: Britain.
[move]~~~^~~~~~~~[/move]




Smith

People used to laugh at me when I said I wanted to be a comedian.But nobody's laughing now.