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Jokes you've made up...

Started by zombemybabynow, 16 February, 2021, 03:21:24 PM

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zombemybabynow

made one up last night [not very funny, got a couple of short sniggers]

In an effort  to alleviate my ongoing anxieties ; I decided to set myself some outlandish tasks:

So I went parachuting with a can of baked beans in my hand

Had a fight against mike Tyson with lentils in my boxing gloves

And swam in a cage with sharks, whilst having mushy peas in my swimming trunks...

And so, I realised...

[spoiler]i'll do anything with a pulse !![/spoiler]

Good manners & bad breath get you nowhere

JayzusB.Christ

Oh dear. I like it, though, gave me a smile.

Here's my one. Apologies in advance.

'Does that look like a funnel to you?'
'Funnely enough, yes.'
"Men will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest"

Funt Solo

++ A-Z ++  coma ++

zombemybabynow

better than mine [funnel]

my first 2 were dessert based for some reason:-

what do you say to a plate of profiteroles - once you've had your fill?
[spoiler]shoo pastry![/spoiler]

did you here what happened at the chef's stag-doo ?

[spoiler]me neither, what does on torte, stays on torte[/spoiler]
Good manners & bad breath get you nowhere

Funt Solo

I am so pleased that I actually made up a joke (several years after it was relevant), that I'm going to repeat it here even though I already posted it on another thread:

Q: What does Hagrid say when he's eaten some magic mushrooms?
A: You're a lizard, Harry.
++ A-Z ++  coma ++

JayzusB.Christ

"Men will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest"

The Legendary Shark


I painted a sign for the campsite but got the "c" wrong and had to paint it out ready to go over again. The boss sees the sign drying in front of the Rayburn.

Boss: "What's an ampsite?"

Me: "A caravan park in Birmingham."

Boss: "Birmingham?"

Me: "Nowhere near the c."

True story, happened this morning. Made me chuckle, anyway.

[move]~~~^~~~~~~~[/move]




zombemybabynow

Good manners & bad breath get you nowhere

Funt Solo

Q: What did Great Uncle Baal say to his nephew when he was having trouble sleeping?
A: Nemesis, the Horlicks!
++ A-Z ++  coma ++

Definitely Not Mister Pops

You may quote me on that.

Tjm86

I do have one question though ...

Is anyone going to admit to Alexander Johnson?

:-*

Dandontdare

Years ago, a close friend was having open heart surgery. It was a congenital defect that had killed his older sister in her thirties and if not corrected, would likely do the same for him - basically, a muscle defect meant part of his heart was bulging into somewhere it shouldn't. The op would fix it, but was risky. His friends gathered in the pub awaiting news and talk turned to stories of his legendary kindness and generosity.

I said "yeah, the one thing you can say about Jez is that his heart's in the right place." After a brief stunned silence, it got a big laugh.

(not seen him for ages, but he's still with us 30 years on)

Definitely Not Mister Pops

A few years ago my mate was singing "There was an old lady that swallowed a fly" to his toddler. The mother had somehow never heard it before, so he took full credit, claiming he just stumbled on the opening lines and then just staggered his way up the food chain. We backed him up of course, requesting lyrics over social media.

Not really on topic but This is the Way.
You may quote me on that.

rogue69

what cheese is best for holding back a river?

[spoiler]eDAM[/spoiler]

pauljholden

For best results, the answer here should be shouted in great anger:


What's the rudest kind of queue?

A F**K YOU!