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Jokes you've made up...

Started by zombemybabynow, 16 February, 2021, 03:21:24 PM

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rogue69

Not one I made up just heard  this child about 5 years in town go to his mum

Knock, Knock
Who's there
Idunna
Idunna who
loadly MUMMY YOU SAID You HAD JUST DONNA POOO
one happy child one embarrassed mum     

Tjm86


JayzusB.Christ

A lad I knew from school puts his made-up jokes on FB constantly.  For example:

'Why did the blind man fall down a well?
Because he couldn't see that well.'
"Men will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest"

paddykafka

I was going to make a joke about Dungeons & Dragons. But it just wouldn't work on so many levels.

pauljholden

Actual thing that happened:
Spotted my son studying physics, so I asked him:
"Do you want an occasional chair"
"What for?"
"...to go with that periodic table?"

Kev Levell

I fell down a hill the other day, that's just the way I roll.

I've been investing in grains recently. A friend asked how on earth I make money at it, I said "I just see what crop's up."

My little girl said to me, "When I grow up I want to be a Dentist."
I said, "what have you got against dents?"

zombemybabynow

Quote'Why did the blind man fall down a well?
Because he couldn't see that well.'

that is glorious
Good manners & bad breath get you nowhere

Definitely Not Mister Pops

Whenever I'm feeling down, my wife always tells me:

"Things could be worse, you could be in a deep dark hole full of water"

Which isn't very helpful.

She means well.
You may quote me on that.

JayzusB.Christ

"Men will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest"

paddykafka

The BBC is putting a new spin on one of its much loved sci-fi classics.

In this reboot, a group of contestants on a reality TV baking show, are whisked off through space and time for a series of adventures, and find themselves fighting for their lives against a ruthless, totalitarian regime.

The new show will be called "Bakes' 7".

MumboJimbo

Two men in a restaurant:

"My wife's coming here tomorrow to meet a famous bald filmstar."
"Yule Brynner?"
"No, she'll come of her own accord."

MumboJimbo

Quote from: Mister Pops on 14 May, 2021, 11:13:59 AM
Whenever I'm feeling down, my wife always tells me:

"Things could be worse, you could be in a deep dark hole full of water"

Which isn't very helpful.

She means well.

This is most excellent. However it doesn't need the "which isn't very helpful" bit.

MumboJimbo

There once was a fellow named Moncrieff
Who had badly-fitting false teeth
When a sneeze he ejected
His teeth were projected
Into his handkerchief

Definitely Not Mister Pops

There once was a man from Athlone
Who came up with a new type of poem.
Which didn't catch on.
You may quote me on that.

A.Cow

Came up with this a few years back, but I'm sure others have come up with similar independently:

"I did a job recently for some dolphins: they want me to make a video showing how to get rid of a bunch of troublesome seals.  Apparently, my cull will be recorded for training porpoises."