Squaxx Telling Jokes

[The Legendary Shark]

Kitty and Daisy, devout and elderly spinster sisters of the Parish, are out for a stroll along the High Street, enjoying the Christmas bustle, when Kitty suddenly points to a man with a beard.
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"I recognise him from somewhere," says Kitty. "Oh now, where on Earth have I seen him before?"
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"He looks like the Bishop of Durham," says Daisy, "on his day off."
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"No," says Kitty, "it can't be - can it?"
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"Well, just go over and ask him," says Daisy.
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And so Kitty does just that. She walks up to the man with the beard and says, very politely, "Excuse me, Sir. Please forgive the intrusion but my sister and I were wondering if you might be the Bishop of Durham?"
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The man scowls down at Kitty and barks, "f*ck off!"
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"Well?" Daisy asks as Kitty returns, "Did you ask him?"
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"Yes," says Kitty. "He told me to f*ck off."
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"That's a shame," says Daisy, "now we'll Never know."

[The Legendary Shark]

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
.
Tinselitis.

[The Legendary Shark]

My wife once informed me that she thought sex was always better when you're on holiday. That must've been the worst postcard I ever received.

[The Legendary Shark]

Dear Marjorie Proops, when I was 17 and I woke up in the morning my willy was hard and I couldn't bend it. Now I am 87 and when I wake up in the morning my willy is still hard but I can bend it. Am I getting stronger?

[Dode C]

One of my all time favourites.
What's brown and lies steaming under a piano stool?
Beethoven's last movement.

[shaolin_monkey]

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

because 7 8 9

[The Legendary Shark]

A three-legged dog slouches into the saloon and says, 'I'm lookin' fer th' man who shot ma paw.'
.

[ZenArcade]

Why dd the ploughman crack an egg?

He needed a yoke.

[Dode C]

This just in:
A man widely believed to be the world's greatest receiver of stolen goods was found dead today.

It is believed that he fell off the back of a lorry.

[von Boom]

What do you get when you combine a turtle and a flu jab?


A slow poke.

[The Legendary Shark]

Two bankers, Ben and George, are walking down the street when they spot a gang of skinheads rocking towards them.
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"Gee," says Ben, "looks like we're going to get mugged here."
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"I think you're right," says George, "here's that fifty quid I owe you."

[Dandontdare]

Two bankers, Ben and George, are walking down the street when they spot a gang of skinheads rocking towards them.
.
"Gee," says Ben, "looks like we're going to get mugged here."
.
"I think you're right," says George, "here's that fifty quid I owe you."

I thought that was going to go another way:

Two bankers  are walking down the street when they spot a gang of skinheads rocking towards them.
.
"Gee," says Ben, "looks like we're going to get mugged here."
.
"I think you're right," says the other skinhead

[JayzusB.Christ]

Two bankers, Ben and George, are walking down the street when they spot a gang of skinheads rocking towards them.
.
"Gee," says Ben, "looks like we're going to get mugged here."
.
"I think you're right," says George, "here's that fifty quid I owe you."

I thought that was going to go another way:

Two bankers  are walking down the street when they spot a gang of skinheads rocking towards them.
.
"Gee," says Ben, "looks like we're going to get mugged here."
.
"I think you're right," says the other skinhead

[shaolin_monkey]

Two bankers, Ben and George, are walking down the street when they spot a gang of skinheads rocking towards them.
.
"Gee," says Ben, "looks like we're going to get mugged here."
.
"I think you're right," says George, "here's that fifty quid I owe you."

I thought that was going to go another way:

Two bankers  are walking down the street when they spot a gang of skinheads rocking towards them.
.
"Gee," says Ben, "looks like we're going to get mugged here."
.
"I think you're right," says the other skinhead

I like both, but the second is particularly effective.

[The Legendary Shark]

Yes - the second one is a lot better.