2000 AD Online Forum

General Chat => Off Topic => Topic started by: The Legendary Shark on 22 November, 2014, 09:12:18 am

Title: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 22 November, 2014, 09:12:18 am
Liverpool city centre was brought to a standstill this morning when a suspicious object was seen inside a parked van. The object transpired to be a tax disk.
.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: JamesC on 22 November, 2014, 09:21:02 am
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

Ten tickles


What did Arnie say when he was invited to a fancy dress party with a musical theme?

I'll be Bach
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 22 November, 2014, 09:31:17 am
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anybody can roast beef...
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Enigmatic Dr X on 22 November, 2014, 09:58:40 am
Why did the baker have smelly hands? He was kneading a poo.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: skurvy on 22 November, 2014, 10:21:31 am
What's green and smells? Tharg's bum.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: shaolin_monkey on 22 November, 2014, 10:49:49 am
What's Beethoven's 5th favourite fruit?

Ba-na-na-naaa!
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Colin YNWA on 22 November, 2014, 11:58:43 am
What's green and lets you do anything?

Permit the Frog
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: NapalmKev on 22 November, 2014, 01:03:58 pm
Two Mallards walk into a Bar, the third one Ducks.

Cheers
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: dweezil2 on 22 November, 2014, 01:06:38 pm
Two nuns on a park bench, when a streaker runs past.
One has a stroke, the other can't reach!
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 22 November, 2014, 01:13:22 pm
Two nuns are riding bikes through the backstreets. "I've never come this way before," says the first nun. "Neither have I," says the second, "it must be the cobbles."
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Anzati on 22 November, 2014, 01:18:31 pm
A man walks into a bar...

...ouch
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: ZenArcade on 22 November, 2014, 02:19:55 pm
A guy walks into an off license in North Belfast, buys a bottle of wine and heads for the counter. There, is the usual wee bottle blonde lassie of about 17, slouching behind the counter, chewing gum and on the mobile to her mate. The guy stands for a while and eventually the girl deigns to notice him. So with a sigh and roll of the eyes, she puts the mobile down and totes up his bill. "That'll be 10.66 mister" she snaps. The guy is fairly clever and atttempts some drollery: "ah, 10.66" says he "Battle of Hastings". The wee girl looks at him as if he is from Pluto and after a few moments confused pause, retorts: "we don't sell no battles of Hastings in here". Z
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Spikes on 22 November, 2014, 02:36:54 pm
Did you hear about the constipated Mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.....
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Rog69 on 23 November, 2014, 08:56:08 am
Who is this Rorschach guy and why does he keep drawing pictures of my parents fighting?
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: von Boom on 23 November, 2014, 08:06:15 pm
What do you give poorly pig?


Oinment.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Mister Pops on 23 November, 2014, 08:33:08 pm
Will Will Smith smith?

Will Smith will smith.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 24 November, 2014, 07:20:56 pm
A guy walks into the doctor's surgery with mashed potatoes in his hair, diced carrots in one ear, corned beef in the other year, a Yorkshire pudding up one nostril, half a dozen chips up the other, pieces of sweetcorn under his eyelids and gravy all over his forehead.
.
"Doctor..." the guy begins, but the Doctor holds up his hand for silence.
.
"No need to explain, I know exactly what's wrong with you," the Doctor says. "You're not eating properly."
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: shaolin_monkey on 25 November, 2014, 07:55:23 am
'Doctor, I keep thinking I'm Tom Jones!'

'It's not unusual...'

Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Colin YNWA on 25 November, 2014, 08:46:46 am
Why has Edward Woodward got 4 Ds in his name?

'Cos otherwise he'd be Ewar Woowar
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: shaolin_monkey on 25 November, 2014, 10:08:05 am
What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No eyed deer.



What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no eyed deer.



What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no genitals?

Still no fucking eyed deer.

Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Dandontdare on 25 November, 2014, 10:48:24 am
ok, I'll trot out my old favourite again:

Mouse goes into a music shop, hops on the counter and asks for a mouse organ
"That's odd" says the shopkeeper, "I had a mouse in here this morning asking for a mouse organ"
"Oh yes," replies the mouse, "That'd be our Monica"
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Dark Jimbo on 25 November, 2014, 12:48:56 pm
A ship sinks in the Mediterranean, and the only survivors are a man, a dog, and a pig. The unlikely trio wash up on the shore of a small desert island and settle in to their new lives as best they can. As days turn into weeks, the man becomes ever more grateful for the company of the two faithful animals - probably all that has prevented him from going insane. As weeks become months, his attachment takes on unhealthy overtones. Loneliness gnaws away at him constantly, and try as he might to resist, the pig begins to look increasingly attractive to him.

Finally he can resist no longer and tries to get romantic - but the dog immediately gets between them, barking, snapping and growling, and the man's frustration goes on. The pattern is the same for weeks - every time the man tries to get intimate with the pig, the jealous dog puts a stop to it. The man is in a constant bad mood, and life on the island becomes tense.

Then one day they see a ship sink some way out to sea. The man dives into the water, swims out and manages to rescue a young woman. By the time she stands dripping on the beach the man is able to get a proper look at her, and is bowled over by her beauty. Her sodden clothes are little better than rags, and cling to every curve and swell of her gorgeous body. The girl is beside herself with gratitude, and begs him, with shining ruby lips, to tell her if there is anything - anything - she can do for the man who saved her life.

As he looks into her adorable doe-like eyes, blinking at him through long dark lashes, the man thinks for just a minute, and says, 'Well... can you take the dog for a walk?'
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Skullmo on 25 November, 2014, 03:30:39 pm
Why should you not wear Ukrainian made underpants?

Because Chernobyl fallout.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: von Boom on 25 November, 2014, 07:21:51 pm
The owner of a doner kebab shop goes to the doctor.
The doctor asks, 'How do you feel?'
The man replies, 'I falafel.'
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 25 November, 2014, 07:35:20 pm
Back from a long and arduous voyage, the Sailor calls home and a young boy answers the 'phone.
.
"Hello, son," the Sailor says. "Is your Mum in?"
.
"She's in bed with Uncle John," the boy says.
.
"You what?!"
.
"It's true! They always go to bed on a Wednesday afternoon and I have to sit quietly downstairs and watch cartoons."
.
The Sailor fumes. All those months on the high seas, braving storms and mountainous waves, risking his life in the cold and the roaring dark to send money home and she's sleeping with my brother? That's just not on!
.
"Son," the Sailor says, "go into your mother's bedroom and tell her you've just seen your dad coming down the street with his kit-bag and his harpoon."
.
"Okay - hang on a minute!" The boy throws down the 'phone and runs off on his errand. The Sailor waits, and waits, and waits until, finally, the boy picks up the 'phone again, breathless with emotion.
.
"He, he, he, that was funny!" the boy pants. "I did what you said and Uncle John shot out of bed, picked up his clothes and tried to run while he was putting his pants on, tripped over the cat, fell out of the window, landed on the patio on his head and cracked it open so his brain fell out!
.
"Then Mummy screamed and ran down the stairs to the patio but she got tangled up in her own whip and slipped on Uncle John's brain, cracked her head on a gnome and fell into the swimming pool face down and she's not moving and the bubbles have stopped and the water's gone all pink and I don't know what to do..."
.
"Swimming pool?!" the sailor ejaculates. "Swimming pool...? Er, is that Southampton 4131...?"
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Spikes on 02 December, 2014, 05:01:07 pm
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 02 December, 2014, 05:57:08 pm
A ship containing red paint has collided with a ship containing blue paint.
.
Both crews have been marooned.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: TordelBack on 02 December, 2014, 07:10:25 pm
What's brown and sneaks around the house at Christmas?






Mince spies!
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: ZenArcade on 02 December, 2014, 08:16:22 pm
It is much less dangerous in Santa's Toy factory this year.

He has introduced new Elf n Safety rules. Z
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: NapalmKev on 03 December, 2014, 05:18:11 pm
"My Zombie's got no Nose."

"How does he smell?"

"He doesn't! But somehow his Eyes and Ears still work?!"

Cheers
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Jo-L on 04 December, 2014, 02:31:17 am
Two fishes are in a tank.  One fish says to the other fish...  Do you know how to drive this thing?
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: amines2058 on 04 December, 2014, 05:54:07 am
Two parrots stood on a perch. One says to the other:  "Can you smell fish?"
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Spaceghost on 04 December, 2014, 11:49:58 am
A man turns up to a fancy dress party wearing a green jumpsuit, with a woman clinging onto his back.

"Who are you supposed to be?" asks the host.

"I'm a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle." the man explains.

"Well, who's this?" asks the host gesturing towards the woman.

The man replies, "It's Michelle."
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 04 December, 2014, 12:15:24 pm
A Higgs Boson walks into a church and the priest shouts, "Hoy, you! Get out! We don't want your kind in here!"
.
"But why?" asks the Higgs Boson, "You know you can't have mass without me..."
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: amines2058 on 04 December, 2014, 12:18:42 pm
What do you call a leper in a hot tub......

Stew!
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: amines2058 on 04 December, 2014, 12:19:46 pm
What do you call a Judge with no thumbs...

Justice Fingers!!
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Tiplodocus on 04 December, 2014, 12:38:33 pm
There's a ship wreck and the only two survivors are Dave and Cindy Crawford.

Over the years, as they struggle to survive on the desert island, the two develop a deep and mutual appreciation of each other that leads to love.

More years pass and one night, as they gaze wistfully at the stars, and think how lucky they are to have survived, to have found each other, and, despite being cast away from their families and friends, how they  have found happiness, Cindy asks, "Dave, I'm really happy with our love life but I want to make sure that you are too. Is there anything that you would like me to do?"

Dave thinks a while and says, "If you wouldn't mind, could you please dress as a man this evening?"

Cindy is slightly taken aback but, keen to please the man she loves deeply, agrees.

She returns to the campfire dressed in a pair of Dave's trousers, a shirt and has even fashioned a false moustache from some coconut matting.

Dave smiles appreciatively. "What's your name?", he asks.

"It's... er.... Bob", replies Cindy.

He winks at her.

"Well, Bob. You'll never guess who I've been shagging."
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 04 December, 2014, 02:36:32 pm
The only survivors of a diplomatic 'plane crash, the three ex-presidents of the United States trudge through the blazing Iraqi desert.
.
"Hey, lookie here, y'all," says President Carter, retrieving a dull brass object from the sand. "Looks like a gen-ewe-whine magic lamp!"
.
"Ooh, rub it, rub it!" says President Clinton lasciviously, stroking his thighs with the palms of his hands.
.
"Ah do believe Ah will," said President Carter and buffed at the old lamp with a stained napkin he'd once managed to steal off Air Force One.
.
CILLITTAH-POOF! A Djinn appears and is so happy to be free at last that he grants each of the three ex-presidents one wish apiece.
.
"That's easy," says President Carter, "Ah wish Ah was back home on ma peanut farm, sippin' a cool one on ma porch with ma best gal on ma knee!"
.
CILLITTAH-BANG! And the ex-president is gone!
.
The Djinn turns to President Clinton who says, with a glint in his eye, "I wanna' be in the showers with the Washington All-Girls Beach Volleyball Team, a keg of German beer, a crate of French wine and Hilary nowhere to be seen!"

.
CILLITTAH-BANG! And the ex-president is gone!
.
The Djinn turns to the last ex-president, who is lost in thought. "Jeez, I just dunno," says George Doubya, "I wish Jimmy and Bill were here, they'd help me decide..."
.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 04 December, 2014, 03:45:00 pm
So - myself, Tordelback and Jim_Cameron are all killed in a freak accident when a YouTube video reverses into the forum, causing the Political Thread to collapse while we're all still in it. So, up we all waft to Heaven.
.
Being an idiot, I go up to the Pearly Gates first. "Name?" St Peter asks me. I tell him and he runs his quill down the list of names in his ledger. He turns the page and starts again, then goes back to the first page again before retrieving another, very much fatter, ledger from his desk drawer. He flicks through the pages and finally settles on one. "Hmm," he says.
.
"'Hmm'?" I ask, "what do you mean, 'hmm'? What the fuck is 'hmm'?"
.
"Well," says St Peter sadly, "you're a borderline case - very borderline. In fact, I should really turn you away..."
.
"Now, let's not be hasty," I plead, "I've been bad but I was never properly evil, was I? I cried for days after I poisoned that goat, didn't I?" He checks the ledger and nods and so I continue. "Come on - Pete - there must be a way!"
.
"Well," says St Peter, "there is a way in for you but it entails being chained to the most po-faced, hatchet-nosed, sharp-mouthed, sour-tempered, hideous old crone you can imagine for all Eternity. Either that or... the Other Place."
.
"Deal me in!" I say, and am chained to Magda - who hates, and is hated by, everything - but once through the Pearly Gates, Heaven's wonders before me at last, all seems worth it.
.
I'm wandering through the comic blossoms, trying to ignore Magda's incessant, phleghmy complaining when I see Tordelback wandering the same graphic orchard looking for the Star Wars bushes and chained to Magda's marginally prettier twin sister, Mogda.
.
"Only just get in?" I ask, and Tordelback nods sadly. "Never mind," I say, and we go off looking for the Star Wars bushes and the Strontium Dogweed together. We are just browsing through an unexpectedly interesting Manga Meadow when we spot, way over behind the D.C. Hedgerows, Jim_Cameron - but something's not right.
.
Tordelback and I squint and then we both see it at the same time - tied to Jim's wrist with a length of soft velvet rope is Zoe Saldana! Well, Tordels and I are not having that so we go straight back to St Peter to complain.
.
Being an idiot, I do all the talking. "Now, look here, my good saint, this is not on! Here's us two, Tordels and me, chained to this fetid pair of warty lumps for the rest of forever and - who do we see out there? Jim_bloody_Campbel, that's who! And he's tied - not chained, mind, like us two poor sods - tied with a velvet rope to Zoe Saldana! I mean, what the fuck, man?"
.
"Well, that Zoe," said St Peter, shaking his head sadly, "she only just got in..."
.
*no offence, Tordels and Jim - just a bit of fun!*
.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 04 December, 2014, 03:49:19 pm
D.P. Removed.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: NapalmKev on 04 December, 2014, 04:46:03 pm
A Giraffe, a Sausage and a tin of Beans walk into a Bar.



The Guy behind the bar decides there and then that he's never taking Acid again!

Cheers
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Skullmo on 04 December, 2014, 05:01:54 pm
A horse walks into a bar


The Bar Manager leads it out because it has no place there.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Skullmo on 04 December, 2014, 05:02:53 pm
What did Batman say to Robin before he got in the car?


Get in the car.




One of my favourite anti-jokes
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: ZenArcade on 04 December, 2014, 11:09:33 pm
Good to see Shark and Tordel are new besties. I'm glad he used Jim Cameron in the joke and not Our own inestimable Jim Campbell.

Anyway....what's the difference between a police car and a hedgehog?

On a hedgehog the pricks are on the outside. Z
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Ghost MacRoth on 04 December, 2014, 11:19:28 pm
Two parrots sitting on a perch, one turns to the other and asks, 'Can you smell fish?'

Englishman, Irishman, and Scotsman walk into a bar, bartender says, 'what's this, some kinda joke?'

What's brown and sticky?  A stick.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: ZenArcade on 04 December, 2014, 11:53:03 pm
How do you know who the bride is at a Belfast wedding?

She's the one in the white tracksuit. Z
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Ghost MacRoth on 05 December, 2014, 12:03:30 am
Why are pirates pirates?

Cause they aaaaaaaaare.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: ZenArcade on 05 December, 2014, 12:13:45 am
What do you do if you see your girlfriend staggering around the garden?

Reload.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Ghost MacRoth on 05 December, 2014, 12:23:11 am
How did they invent copper wire?

Two Scotsmen fighting over a penny.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: ZenArcade on 05 December, 2014, 12:33:14 am
Three horses were in a bar discussing their last race. One said he was totally knackered half way through and was ready to stop, but he'd felt a sharp sting in his flank and became totally revitalised and won the race by 3 lengths. The other two horses were flabbergasted and didn't know what to make of it all.
At this stage a dog at the other end of the bar butted in and explained that the horse had been darted with a performance enhancing drug and thus won.
The three horses looked at each other askance and one of them proclaimed.
'fucking hell, a talking dog!' Z
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Ghost MacRoth on 05 December, 2014, 12:41:00 am
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns Christian and Justin, were swimming around in the sea  The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

 A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted" and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

 Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

 While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.  He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.  "Where's Christian?" he asked.  "He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark", came the reply. Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed."

 "I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again, Christian!"
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: ZenArcade on 05 December, 2014, 12:55:15 am
A pair of shoes land up to the pearly gates and are (as with Shark, Tordel and Jim C) stopped by St Peter.
St Peter  just shakes his head, laughs and dismissively tells the shoes to piss off out of it.
The shoes are somewhat affronted and demand that God be contacted to give the final opinion.
After a bit of a 'discussion ', St Peter picks up the pearly handled phone and rings God.
God says: 'let them on in'. St Peter is incredulous and says 'what....why?'
God says: 'shoes have soles too'. Z
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: paddykafka on 05 December, 2014, 12:14:32 pm
Where do Cows like to go on a date?

To the Moooooo-vies !
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: DrRocka on 05 December, 2014, 08:06:44 pm
What's funnier than a dead baby?

A dead baby in a clown suit.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Ghost MacRoth on 06 December, 2014, 12:59:43 am
Motorway walks into a bar, says ''Gimme a fucking pint with a whiskey chaser, and hurry up''.  Barman reply's, ''Hey, no need to be rude man...''  Motorway cut's him off, saying ''Just gimme the fucking drinks, I'm hard as fuck, don't mess with me!''  ''Okay, okay!'' says the barman, and fixes the drinks.

Dual Carriageway walks in, says ''Hey ugly, gimme a jack and coke, make it a double, quick smart!''  Barman says, ''Hey man, c'mon, manners cost noth...'' Dual Carriageway cuts him off....''Just hurry up asshole, don't piss me off, I'm hard as fuck!!''  The barman, not wanting any trouble, fixes the drinks as asked.

A wee skinny strip of orange tarmac walks into the bar.  Immediately, both the Motorway and Dual Carriageway leap over the bar and hide.  Barman says, ''Hey, what's going on?  I thought you two were hard as fuck, what you hiding for?''

''Hey, we don't wanna mess with him, he's a cycle path!!''
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Grugz on 06 December, 2014, 02:45:11 pm
two gentlemen of the road ,mick and jeff are enjoying a pint in a local country pub when a man staggers in wrestling with a large salmon, he puts it on the bar and the landlord gives him £20 and off he trots. Mick and jeff think nothing of this til they next frequent the pub and the same man comes in with a fish bigger than the one he sold previously the landlord gives him £40 and he goes off with a spring in his step.
  now,mick and jeff aren't the brightest buttons in the box but they recognise the potential for some beer money and ask the landlord what the deal is.

  "well,they are such big fish I can double if not treble me money with all the coach parties coming through here so I'd be mad not  to take them" says the landlord (who we will call colin.

  "so if we were to catch one would ye buy it from us as well?" asks jeff.
  "aye" says colin," I can never have enough ,only poacher john cant get me as many as I'd like"

"hang on" says mick in a fit of enlightenment," we don't have a rod or the cash to buy one"
" not a problem" interjects colin," poacher john uses an old poachers trick ,he just waits on the bridge and when they come along, leans over and hooks them out of the water, smacks them with a stick and done!"

  mick and jeff put their coats on and set off...
  when they find a bridge that looks suitable mick leans over with jeff hanging on to his legs and wait expectantly...

 15 minutes in,nothing
30 minutes later ,still nowt
after an hour jeffs arms are getting tired when suddenly mick starts shouting excitedly "JEFF! PULL ME UP!"
"why? have ye got one?" he asks
"NO" replies mick "THERES A FUCKING TRAIN COMING!!!"
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 06 December, 2014, 02:59:45 pm
Julian and Sandy go to the fun fair. Julian wants to go on the rollercoaster but Sandy flatly refuses, saying that it doesn't look safe and he wouldn't go on it for all the mince in 'Frisco. So Julian goes on the rollercoaster on his own.
.
Just as Julian's beginning his fourth circuit, the whole structure collapses in a thunder of chaos. Sandy, beside himself, runs over to his friend who is lying, twisted and bloody, in the mangled wreckage.
.
"Julian!" shouts Sandy, "Oh Julian! Are you hurt?"
.
"Hurt?" Julian asks, "Hurt? Of course I'm bloody hurt! Three damned times I went 'round and you never waved once!"
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 11 December, 2014, 10:00:07 pm
All the superheroes are throwing a birthday party for Superman but the Man of Steel himself is late. Eventually, though, he sweeps in through the window with a cheery grin.
.
"Sorry I'm late, everyone," he said, "I was just off saving the Earth."
.
"I'm sure," growled Batman darkly.
.
"It's true!" Superman said. "Great big asteroid fell out of the Neutral Zone not half an hour ago - I had to smash it up."
.
"And that took you half an hour?" purred Catwoman sceptically.
.
"Well no, not exactly. You see, there were traces of Kryptonite in the asteroid so after I smashed it up I was a bit tired and slipped for a quick forty winks on the moon."
.
"Ha! So you overslept, you primary-coloured goldbricker!" said Nick Fury, who had been invited in error.
.
Superman was indignant at this suggestion. "Certainly not," he said, "I awoke in plenty of time and decided to take the scenic route home through Africa and that's where I saw her."
.
"Saw who?" demanded the Green Lantern, edging away from Superman's yellow S.
.
"Wonder Woman," said Superman dreamily. "In a secluded glade, spread eagled on her back, nothing on except her headband, obviously wrapped up in a steamy daydream. Well, I couldn't resist, could I? Off with the tights and in there, faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than an express..."
.
"Holy inappropriate!" ejaculated Robin excitedly, punching his fist into his palm in a way that was really starting to get on Batman's nerves, "didn't she mind?"
.
"Not a bit of it," the Last Son of Krypton grinned sheepishly, "but the Invisible Man was furious..."
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Enigmatic Dr X on 11 December, 2014, 11:00:20 pm
We just had carol singers at the door. Brass band, the works. The music was good but the singers awful. They kept dribbling everywhere.

It was the Salivation Army.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: JayzusB.Christ on 12 December, 2014, 12:44:31 am
What do you call someone holding Noddy?

Noddy Holder.

Sorry, I just made that up
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 12 December, 2014, 09:20:02 am
At the emergency communications centre, the operator receives a breathless call.
.
"Emergency, how can I help you, caller?"
.
"I was out in the woods, hunting with my boss, when all of a sudden he just gasped, clutched his chest and fell to the floor! He's all white and he isn't moving and I don't know what to do!!"
.
"Okay, caller, try to remain calm."
.
"But I don't know what to do!"
.
"Well, the first thing to do is make sure if he's dead."
.
"Okay," says the caller. There is a brief silence over the line broken by the sudden explosion of a gunshot. "Right," continues the caller, "what next?"
.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: shaolin_monkey on 12 December, 2014, 09:24:25 am
(you may have heard this before)

A bear and a rabbit were having a poo in the woods.

The bear turned to the rabbit and asked 'Do you have problems with poo sticking to your fur?'

'No' said the rabbit.

So the bear wiped his arse with the rabbit.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 12 December, 2014, 09:34:03 am
Johnny Alpha, Halo Jones and John Probe walk into a respectable bar.
.
"Get out!" shouts the barkeep, "This ain't no strip joint!"
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Rog69 on 13 December, 2014, 10:40:40 am
My wife just told me that she wants me to stop doing my impersonation of a flamingo.

I'm going to have to put my foot down.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 14 December, 2014, 12:45:54 pm
I just read that there are only eleven types of people in the world; those who understand Roman numerals and those who don't.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Enigmatic Dr X on 14 December, 2014, 02:22:04 pm
There are, in fact, only 10 types of person in the world. Those who understand binary and those who don't.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: shaolin_monkey on 14 December, 2014, 11:14:28 pm
There are two types of people in the world - those that can extrapolate from incomplete data
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Ghost MacRoth on 14 December, 2014, 11:25:58 pm
2 bits of string walk into a bar. 

''2 pints please barman'' says string 1.
''Fuck off, we don't serve bits of string!!'  Says the barman.

Dejected, they leave.  On the way out, they meet their pal, another piece of string. 

''What's up with you two?''  asks string 3
''That bar won't serve us, say's he won't sell bevvy to bits of string.'' Says string 2.
''Oh really?'' says string 3.

He lays down, and contorts his slender form back and around on himself.  Once he is pleased with the knotted form he has made, he them began unravelling his own threads at one end, until they were an unruly mass of fibres.  With a steely determination in his eye, he heads into the bar.

''Three pints barman'' says string 3.
''Look, I told yer mates, now I'm telling you, I don't serve bits of string!'' Says the barman.
''Aha, but I'm not a bit of string'' says string 3 with confidence.
''Look, I know string when I see it, and you're clearly a bit of string, aren't you??'' questions the barman....

With a grin string 3 replies....''No, I'm a frayed knot''
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 16 December, 2014, 08:01:09 am
She said, "you've only got a small organ, haven't you?"
.
I said, "yes - but it's never played in a cathedral before."
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 18 December, 2014, 06:12:54 pm
The Great Crocco has brought his act to the Village Hall.
.
"Ladies and Gentlemen," the Great Crocco announces, "allow me to introduce Cedric, a 22 foot Nile crocodile - one of the fiercest creatures on Earth, who I have tamed!"
.
To prove his claim, the Great Crocco gets his penis out, lays it in the crocodile's mouth and gently closes its jaws so that its cruel teeth rest on his todger. Then he produces a large mallet and thwacks Cedric on the head with all his might. He then opens Cedric's jaws again and displays his undamaged willy to the astounded audience.
.
"Now," the Great Crocco says, "does anyone else want to try that?"
.
There is a long pause and then a little old woman at the back tentatively raises her hand. "I'll have a go," she says, "so long as you don't hit me on the head so hard..."
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: JayzusB.Christ on 18 December, 2014, 06:19:26 pm
A horse walks into a restaurant and says 'Hay, waiter.'
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: I, Cosh on 19 December, 2014, 11:11:10 am
A horse walks into a restaurant and says 'Hay, waiter.'
and the waiter says "Why the long face?"
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Mister Pops on 19 December, 2014, 01:42:37 pm
A termite walks into a bar and asks "Is the bar tender here?"
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: JayzusB.Christ on 19 December, 2014, 05:10:26 pm
A baby seal walks into a club.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 19 December, 2014, 07:47:34 pm
A guy walks into a bar with a duck under one arm and a biscuit tin under the other. The barman is about to throw him out when the guy sets the biscuit tin on the bar and places the duck on top of it. To everyone's amazement, the duck begins to dance.
.
"That's brilliant," the barman says. "If I had that dancing duck, people would flock from miles around to see it - I could make a fortune. You want to sell it?"
.
The guy thinks about this for a moment before saying, reluctantly, "Well, I'd be loathe to see him go but I am skint. Still, I couldn't possibly let him go for less than £500."
.
"It's a deal!" the barman says and pays the guy out of the till. The transaction completed, the guy says a tearful goodbye to the dancing duck and goes home.
.
Just after midnight, the guy receives a 'phone call from the now frustrated barman. "This dancing duck is great," he says, "but the damned thing won't stop dancing and it's driving me nuts! Please - tell me how to make it stop!"
.
"That's easy," says the guy. "Just take the lid off the biscuit tin and blow the candles out."
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 23 December, 2014, 12:09:53 pm
Kitty and Daisy, devout and elderly spinster sisters of the Parish, are out for a stroll along the High Street, enjoying the Christmas bustle, when Kitty suddenly points to a man with a beard.
.
"I recognise him from somewhere," says Kitty. "Oh now, where on Earth have I seen him before?"
.
"He looks like the Bishop of Durham," says Daisy, "on his day off."
.
"No," says Kitty, "it can't be - can it?"
.
"Well, just go over and ask him," says Daisy.
.
And so Kitty does just that. She walks up to the man with the beard and says, very politely, "Excuse me, Sir. Please forgive the intrusion but my sister and I were wondering if you might be the Bishop of Durham?"
.
The man scowls down at Kitty and barks, "f*ck off!"
.
"Well?" Daisy asks as Kitty returns, "Did you ask him?"
.
"Yes," says Kitty. "He told me to f*ck off."
.
"That's a shame," says Daisy, "now we'll Never know."
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 27 December, 2014, 05:32:18 pm
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
.
Tinselitis.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 28 December, 2014, 09:59:54 am
My wife once informed me that she thought sex was always better when you're on holiday. That must've been the worst postcard I ever received.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 09 January, 2015, 07:35:52 am
Dear Marjorie Proops, when I was 17 and I woke up in the morning my willy was hard and I couldn't bend it. Now I am 87 and when I wake up in the morning my willy is still hard but I can bend it. Am I getting stronger?
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Dode C on 12 January, 2015, 05:44:31 pm
One of my all time favourites.
What's brown and lies steaming under a piano stool?
Beethoven's last movement.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: shaolin_monkey on 16 January, 2015, 12:54:05 pm
Why was 6 afraid of 7?

because 7 8 9
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 16 January, 2015, 01:07:28 pm
A three-legged dog slouches into the saloon and says, 'I'm lookin' fer th' man who shot ma paw.'
.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: ZenArcade on 16 January, 2015, 02:04:43 pm
Why dd the ploughman crack an egg?

He needed a yoke.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Dode C on 27 January, 2015, 05:02:16 pm
This just in:
A man widely believed to be the world's greatest receiver of stolen goods was found dead today.

It is believed that he fell off the back of a lorry.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: von Boom on 29 January, 2015, 03:37:28 pm
What do you get when you combine a turtle and a flu jab?


A slow poke.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 29 January, 2015, 04:06:27 pm
Two bankers, Ben and George, are walking down the street when they spot a gang of skinheads rocking towards them.
.
"Gee," says Ben, "looks like we're going to get mugged here."
.
"I think you're right," says George, "here's that fifty quid I owe you."
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Dandontdare on 29 January, 2015, 04:14:37 pm
Two bankers, Ben and George, are walking down the street when they spot a gang of skinheads rocking towards them.
.
"Gee," says Ben, "looks like we're going to get mugged here."
.
"I think you're right," says George, "here's that fifty quid I owe you."

I thought that was going to go another way:

Two bankers  are walking down the street when they spot a gang of skinheads rocking towards them.
.
"Gee," says Ben, "looks like we're going to get mugged here."
.
"I think you're right," says the other skinhead
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: JayzusB.Christ on 02 February, 2015, 08:43:47 pm
Two bankers, Ben and George, are walking down the street when they spot a gang of skinheads rocking towards them.
.
"Gee," says Ben, "looks like we're going to get mugged here."
.
"I think you're right," says George, "here's that fifty quid I owe you."

I thought that was going to go another way:

Two bankers  are walking down the street when they spot a gang of skinheads rocking towards them.
.
"Gee," says Ben, "looks like we're going to get mugged here."
.
"I think you're right," says the other skinhead


 :D
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: shaolin_monkey on 05 February, 2015, 02:34:10 pm
Two bankers, Ben and George, are walking down the street when they spot a gang of skinheads rocking towards them.
.
"Gee," says Ben, "looks like we're going to get mugged here."
.
"I think you're right," says George, "here's that fifty quid I owe you."

I thought that was going to go another way:

Two bankers  are walking down the street when they spot a gang of skinheads rocking towards them.
.
"Gee," says Ben, "looks like we're going to get mugged here."
.
"I think you're right," says the other skinhead


 :D


 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

I like both, but the second is particularly effective.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 05 February, 2015, 07:45:37 pm
Yes - the second one is a lot better.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 09 June, 2015, 10:09:21 pm
I went to court the other day over a parking ticket. (You know me, right?) When it came my turn to take the stand, I filled the court with torrents of eloquent reason, witty logic and antiquated vocabulary, all delivered in Mosesesque tones from the moral high ground.
.
The judge was unimpressed. "Mr Falcon," he said, "you have admitted, several times, to parking in Shitebridge Lane. Why don't you just be quiet and pay up? I mean, didn't you read the sign?"
.
"Of course I did," I blustered, "it said 'fine for parking.'"
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Mister Pops on 10 June, 2015, 12:25:18 am
A wee yank is taking his girlfriend to prom.
"What do you want to do for prom?" Says he.
"Y'all have to wearing a tux!" Says she, "I want tibby picked up in a limo,and yuh hafta bring me flowers!"
She leans in and whispers, "I wanna get drunk too!"
So the guy goes to the tailors. There's a lot of fellas getting suits, so he has no choice but to join the tuxline.
Next he goes to rent a limo. There's a lot of fellas getting limos, so he has no choice but but to join the limoline.
His patience stretched, he goes to get some flowers. Wouldn't ye know it, there's a lotta fellas getting flowers, so he joins the flowerline.
He thinks to himself, 'I've got the suit, the car, and the flowers, now I just need some vodka!'
So he goes to the liquor store. There's a lotta fellas gettin' vodka, so he has no choice but to join the vodkaline.
Eventually, he and his date arrive.
"Y'all look so smart" says she, "dressed in yer tux, bringin' me flowers and makin' sure I arrive in style!"
She's clearly impressed.
"Now take that bottle of vodka a spike the punch" she boldly whispers.
So he goes to spike the punch. There is no punchline.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: von Boom on 10 June, 2015, 02:05:48 pm
A wee yank is taking his girlfriend to prom.
"What do you want to do for prom?" Says he.
"Y'all have to wearing a tux!" Says she, "I want tibby picked up in a limo,and yuh hafta bring me flowers!"
She leans in and whispers, "I wanna get drunk too!"
So the guy goes to the tailors. There's a lot of fellas getting suits, so he has no choice but to join the tuxline.
Next he goes to rent a limo. There's a lot of fellas getting limos, so he has no choice but but to join the limoline.
His patience stretched, he goes to get some flowers. Wouldn't ye know it, there's a lotta fellas getting flowers, so he joins the flowerline.
He thinks to himself, 'I've got the suit, the car, and the flowers, now I just need some vodka!'
So he goes to the liquor store. There's a lotta fellas gettin' vodka, so he has no choice but to join the vodkaline.
Eventually, he and his date arrive.
"Y'all look so smart" says she, "dressed in yer tux, bringin' me flowers and makin' sure I arrive in style!"
She's clearly impressed.
"Now take that bottle of vodka a spike the punch" she boldly whispers.
So he goes to spike the punch. There is no punchline.

Who the f*ck is tibby?
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Colin YNWA on 10 June, 2015, 09:21:45 pm
A wee yank is taking his girlfriend to prom.
"What do you want to do for prom?" Says he.
"Y'all have to wearing a tux!" Says she, "I want tibby picked up in a limo,and yuh hafta bring me flowers!"
She leans in and whispers, "I wanna get drunk too!"
So the guy goes to the tailors. There's a lot of fellas getting suits, so he has no choice but to join the tuxline.
Next he goes to rent a limo. There's a lot of fellas getting limos, so he has no choice but but to join the limoline.
His patience stretched, he goes to get some flowers. Wouldn't ye know it, there's a lotta fellas getting flowers, so he joins the flowerline.
He thinks to himself, 'I've got the suit, the car, and the flowers, now I just need some vodka!'
So he goes to the liquor store. There's a lotta fellas gettin' vodka, so he has no choice but to join the vodkaline.
Eventually, he and his date arrive.
"Y'all look so smart" says she, "dressed in yer tux, bringin' me flowers and makin' sure I arrive in style!"
She's clearly impressed.
"Now take that bottle of vodka a spike the punch" she boldly whispers.
So he goes to spike the punch. There is no punchline.

I'm so glad this thread is back. Though my wife is looking at little concerned about the snorting laughing noise I've just been making. GOLD sir Gold I says.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Andy Lambert on 11 June, 2015, 01:03:41 am
Why does Barbie never get pregnant?

Because Ken always comes in a different box.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Andy Lambert on 11 June, 2015, 01:05:32 am
What's the difference between a penis and a bonus

Your wife will always blow your bonus.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Andy Lambert on 11 June, 2015, 01:11:44 am
A vampire walks into a bar and asks the barman for a cup of hot water.
"Hot water?" the barman says in surprise, "i thought you vamps preferred blood..?"
"We do," says the vampire, producing a used tampon from inside his coat, "I'm having tea..."
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: McNulty on 11 June, 2015, 06:43:21 pm
I believe you may have bypassed your good taste chip...

Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Dandontdare on 11 June, 2015, 07:37:13 pm
he could've taken it to the Antiques Roadshow to find out what period it comes from...

(Sorry, I'm channeling my inner 12 year old!)
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Dredd Head on 11 June, 2015, 07:52:11 pm
Why do Morris Dancers wear bells?


So they can annoy the blind as well
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: JamesC on 11 June, 2015, 07:58:27 pm
What singer never spills food down his shirt?


Napkin Cole
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 23 March, 2017, 03:38:47 pm
I was given a toilet brush for Christmas but it's not doing the job for me. Looks like I'm going to have to throw it away and go back to tissue.

Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Smith on 23 March, 2017, 03:50:50 pm
Thinnest books in the world: Scottish investment guide,Albanian phonebook,Italian heroic stories and Belgian military history.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: JamesC on 23 March, 2017, 04:12:45 pm
I've got a new dog that can do magic tricks.

It's a labracadabrador.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Tjm86 on 25 March, 2017, 08:57:13 am
A Brummy goes to a tailors to get himself a new suit for an interview. 
"What are you after?"  the tailor asks him.
"Well, I need a jacket, trousers, shirt and tie," the Brummy replies.
"Kipper tie?" the tailor asks.
"No thanks, I prefer coffee."
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Dandontdare on 25 March, 2017, 10:51:17 am
Yay, the joke thread's back

man goes to the doctor with a chip up one nostril, a carrot up the other, gravy in his hair and peas behind his ear. The doc takes one look and says "I know your problem - you're not eating properly"
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 25 March, 2017, 11:15:42 am
When we were going around Tesco this morning my girlfriend came right out and accused me of being lazy. I was so upset I nearly fell out of the trolley.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 25 March, 2017, 11:19:39 am
My friend invited me 'round to meet his new Thai bride last night and she's absolutely gorgeous. I couldn't keep my eyes off her and kept thinking to myself, "don't get an erection, don't get an erection, don't get an erection..."

But, unfortunately, she did.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Hawkmumbler on 25 March, 2017, 01:46:38 pm
Why can't dinosaurs clap their hands?

Because they're all fucking dead.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Tjm86 on 25 March, 2017, 03:15:43 pm
Nigel Farage.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Hawkmumbler on 25 March, 2017, 06:03:51 pm
An Irish man walks out of a bar.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Satanist on 25 March, 2017, 09:31:20 pm
What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr Dre
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Eamonn Clarke on 26 March, 2017, 07:38:21 am
When I was working in A&E I saw a chap who said he had been cleaning his house in the nude (as you do) and had slipped and a vibrator had gone up his arse (as they do).
I examined him and said:

"The bad news is I can't get it out, the good news is I've managed to put new batteries in for you."
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Mister Pops on 26 March, 2017, 02:10:15 pm
Which rock group has four members that can't sing at all?

Mount Rushmore
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 26 March, 2017, 03:06:52 pm
I'm so embarrassed, I just got a letter from Screwfix. Apparently they're not a dating agency...
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Smith on 27 March, 2017, 09:01:38 am
A lord comes home early and hears some weird noises from the bedroom,so he call the butler.
-James,fetch me my sword.
He walks in,you hear a swoosh and a scream and he walks out.
-James,get a bandage for the gentleman and a corkscrew for the lady.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: JayzusB.Christ on 27 March, 2017, 11:30:53 am
That took me a while, but i got there in the end. Sweet Jesus 😨
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Smith on 27 March, 2017, 11:41:52 am
That took me a while, but i got there in the end. Sweet Jesus 😨
(https://media0.giphy.com/media/FyYsbRWjQqpva/200_s.gif)
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Tjm86 on 28 March, 2017, 08:45:19 pm
An Irish man walks out of a bar.

Oh come on.  At least make it believable!
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: JamesC on 29 March, 2017, 07:01:23 am
I had a friend who used to fantasise about getting run over by a steam train.

When it finally happened he was chuffed to bits.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Jim_Campbell on 29 March, 2017, 08:44:53 am
Not a joke, but a story that amused me.

A few years ago, a friend of mine went to the cinema. When he attempted to get some popcorn, he was told that they'd sold out. When he expressed incredulity that a cinema would run out of such a basic commodity, the woman behind the counter responded with a completely straight face: "Yeah. We're running short. There was a fire at the popcorn factory."*


*I googled it. There was!
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Smith on 30 March, 2017, 02:14:31 pm
How do you know if a politician is lying?
His lips are moving.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Woolly on 30 March, 2017, 06:11:54 pm
Whats the difference between virgin olive oil, and regular olive oil?
Popeye's cock.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Tjm86 on 04 April, 2017, 06:57:58 pm
What do you call a thousand lawyers at the bottom of the English Channel?

A poor start.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Tjm86 on 04 April, 2017, 06:58:51 pm
and ...

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A fish.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: von Boom on 04 April, 2017, 07:11:44 pm
What dae ye call a guy wae paper troosers?

Russel.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: shaolin_monkey on 05 April, 2017, 07:57:18 am

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idea

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no genitals?
Still no fucking idea
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 05 April, 2017, 11:36:19 am
A guy with a salmon under his arm walks into a fishmonger's shop and asks, "Do you make fishcakes?"

"Of course," says the fishmonger.

"Excellent," says the guy, "it's his birthday!"
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Smith on 05 April, 2017, 11:41:50 am
Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.One of them said, "I'm the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's President of the United States!"
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 05 April, 2017, 11:54:05 am
What a weekend I had! I broke my record for continuous sex; 1 hour and 2 minutes.

Then I realised the clocks had gone forward.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 05 April, 2017, 12:32:24 pm
I was at the baths today and decided to have a sneaky pee in the deep end.

The life-guard must have noticed though - he blew his whistle so loud I nearly fell in.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 16 April, 2017, 12:55:59 pm
Definition from BBC Radio 4's brilliant  I'm Sorry, I Haven't a Clue:

Countryside - the murder of Piers Morgan.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Colin YNWA on 16 April, 2017, 04:50:48 pm
Definition from BBC Radio 4's brilliant  I'm Sorry, I Haven't a Clue:

Countryside - the murder of Piers Morgan.

Do like that show at the best of times but that is particularly funny!
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 16 April, 2017, 05:27:08 pm
'Twas delivered by Stephen Fry to wild applause, the audience still reeling from his cryogenic - being photographed and coming out looking like Barry.

I do so love that programme - the loss of Humph was hard to bear. Jack does a good job but HL is still the king.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Mister Pops on 02 May, 2017, 12:14:35 am
Why can't you get a pint in North Korea?

They only serve the supreme litre
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: shaolin_monkey on 02 May, 2017, 07:55:35 am
I don't like to use Latin or Greek in speech or writing.  I find it a bit narcissistic.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Smith on 04 July, 2017, 05:09:01 pm
Back in the day,a priest working over some pagan:
-You know,you could come to the church,just to see whats it about...
-Sorry,on Sundays I pay my respect to my ancestors.
-Couldn't you do that in a church?
-I could,but I don't have any ancestors from Israel.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Eamonn Clarke on 10 July, 2017, 02:00:49 pm
At Ely folk festival yesterday wearing my ABC Warriors t-shirt and a chap at a stall said
"I've always thought that ABC Warriors sounds like a support band for DEF Leopard."

Took me a moment or two.
 ;)
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: zombemybabynow on 10 July, 2017, 02:48:51 pm
Why does noddy wear a hat with bells on it?

'coz he's a c@nt
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 10 July, 2017, 06:38:10 pm
Just as the duck was about to cross the road the chicken shouted, "Stop - or you'll never hear the end of it!"

Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: JLC on 10 July, 2017, 10:18:37 pm
Just as the duck was about to cross the road the chicken shouted, "Stop - or you'll never hear the end of it!"
HaHa!

Don't give up the day job...whatever that is...
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 12 July, 2017, 08:36:19 pm
My girlfriend lets me lick anything off her and I love it. Butter, jam, cheese, you name it she lets me lick it off her.............She's a cracker!

Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 16 July, 2017, 09:46:42 pm
(https://scontent-ams3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/fr/cp0/e15/q65/20046605_850098915139015_4364171867083810266_n.jpg?efg=eyJpIjoiYiJ9&oh=e5531a2c0dc16df647176e041a55ac70&oe=5A0F7C0E)
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Smith on 19 July, 2017, 03:31:06 pm
A husband goes on a vacation ahead of his wife,and sends her an email to tell her hes arrived safely and all all that.But he messes up the address and the message arrives to a recent widow.
Her kids find her passed out in front of the computer.On the screen there is a message:
I got here a few hours ago.See you tomorrow.Its hot like hell here.
Your husband.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 19 July, 2017, 05:17:24 pm
My new aftershave smells like breadcrumbs.

The birds love it.

Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: flip-r mk2 on 19 July, 2017, 07:27:07 pm
A female weightlifter goes to the doctors:

"I've been taking steroids & now I've grown a penis!"

"Anabolic" says the Doctor.

"No just a penis"

filippo
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 19 July, 2017, 08:04:56 pm
A man goes to the doctor and says, "I fart when I walk."

The doctor raises an eyebrow and asks the man to demonstrate, so he walks from one side of the surgery to the other and goes pfft, frrt, thrrt, pfft, frrt, thrrt, pfft, frrt, thrrt.

"Good Lord," says the doctor, that's extraordinary. I want to get my colleague in here to see this as well." He calls his practice partner on the intercom and he enters the room. "Watch this," says the doctor and asks the man to walk around again, which he does - pfft, frrt, thrrt, pfft, frrt, thrrt, pfft, frrt, thrrt.

The two doctors call in the practice nurse as well - pfft, frrt, thrrt, pfft, frrt, thrrt, pfft, frrt, thrrt.

The first doctor leaves the room for a moment and returns holding a long wooden pole with a hook on the end. The farting patient's eyes widen and he asks, nervously, "What the Hell are you going to do with that!?"

The doctor frowns and says, "Open a f*cking window."

Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Smith on 21 July, 2017, 03:19:39 pm
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to
go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night,
and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of
planets."
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke:
"Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our
tent!"
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 27 August, 2017, 05:44:05 pm
I walked in to a pub toilet earlier, the guy next to me said,  "I'm so drunk I'm pissing tequila."

That's the last time I'm falling for that one.

Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: paddykafka on 14 September, 2017, 02:23:51 pm
What did the barman say to Watson at closing time?

"Have you no Holmes to go to?!"
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 14 September, 2017, 05:17:41 pm
I'm going to have to take the batteries out of this carbon monoxide alarm; all that beeping's giving me a headache.

Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 15 September, 2017, 09:06:01 am
I just met an old friend who moved away decades ago. Over a coffee he came out to me as a cross-dresser, saying that he now has a Wigan address.

Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Eamonn Clarke on 15 September, 2017, 04:16:36 pm
From a fairly recent novel:
the punchline is
"The parrot whispered in the vicar's ear, 'If i might just ask, sir, what did the chicken do?' "

Want the rest?
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Smith on 15 September, 2017, 04:44:54 pm
I just met an old friend who moved away decades ago. Over a coffee he came out to me as a cross-dresser, saying that he now has a Wigan address.

#DadJokes
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Dandontdare on 15 September, 2017, 06:39:20 pm
From a fairly recent novel:
the punchline is
"The parrot whispered in the vicar's ear, 'If i might just ask, sir, what did the chicken do?' "

Want the rest?

YES!

Two retired colonels in a gentleman's club. One says "it's Woom - W-O-O-M". The other says "Nonsense, it's WHUME". The waitress serving them says "sorry to butt in gentlemen, but it's womb W-O-M-B". The first chap sniffs and says "and have you ever HEARD an elephant fart madam?"
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Professor Bear on 15 September, 2017, 08:09:45 pm
You shouldn't generalise about people: Hitler was a vegetarian, but that doesn't mean all Nazis are cunts.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Eamonn Clarke on 16 September, 2017, 03:33:33 pm
A vicar was left a parrot by one of his parishioners but was embarrassed to find that all the parrot did was swear, loudly and frequently. He tried covering the cage with a cloth but the swearing got even louder.
In desperation he placed the cage in the cupboard and closed the door, but the parrot just grew louder and the words it used even more offensive.

Eventually, at the end of his tether with the foul fowl he took the bird from its cage and in desperation opened his freezer door, thrust the parrot inside and closed the door. Listening at the door of his fridge freezer he heard the parrot pour forth every obscenity the vicar had ever encountered and several he hadn't. But after a minute the bird went quiet.

Tentatively the vicar opened the freezer door and the parrot hopped out, ran up the vicar's arm and whispered in his ear:
"I'm terribly sorry, sir. I promise you will never hear another offensive word from me."

The parrot paused and then added:
"But if I might just ask, sir. What exactly did the chicken do?"
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Smith on 18 September, 2017, 06:02:28 am
What do you call Batman when he skips church?

Christian Bale.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 18 September, 2017, 07:30:27 am
What do you call Batman when he skips church?

Christian Bale.

#DadJokes :p

Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Smith on 18 September, 2017, 09:49:41 am
Very much so.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Smith on 18 September, 2017, 03:05:13 pm
We used to have Johnny Cash,Bob Hope and Steve Jobs.No we have no cah,no jobs and no hope.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 18 September, 2017, 03:14:44 pm
I remember that one as Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Stevie Wonder (no Cash, no Hope and no bloody Wonder).

Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Smith on 18 September, 2017, 04:14:05 pm
Well,we lost Jobs in the meantime.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: sheridan on 18 September, 2017, 08:45:29 pm
Well,we lost Jobs in the meantime.

Not to mention that Stevie Wonder is still, y'know, alive?
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 18 September, 2017, 09:02:32 pm
They were all still alive when I first heard this joke.

Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Mister Pops on 18 September, 2017, 09:25:41 pm
How do you milk a sheep?

Sell the new iphone for a grand
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: sheridan on 18 September, 2017, 09:39:21 pm
They were all still alive when I first heard this joke.

Not sure I see how that joke works if they're all alive - the punchline is 'no hope', etc.  (yes, I know, explaining jokes never works!)
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 18 September, 2017, 09:43:25 pm
As Barry Cryer said, "analysing comedy is like dissecting a frog; nobody laughs and the frog dies."

Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: JamesC on 18 September, 2017, 09:45:37 pm
What singer never gets gravy down his shirt?


Napkin Cole
(He's dead as well)
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Mister Pops on 18 September, 2017, 09:51:32 pm
Termite walks into a bar and asks " Is the bar tender, here?"
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Professor Bear on 18 September, 2017, 10:14:09 pm
A man walks into a bar with a crocodile on a leash and asks "do you serve humans?"
The bartender instinctively says "Of course." and the man nods toward the crocodile and says "I'll have a pint, and he'll have a human."
The bartender suddenly realises he's in a bad joke and tries to back out "Actually, I just remembered, we don't have any humans today.  I've not even a pygmy back here."
"Just as well."  Says the man "I daren't let him start out on the shorts or he'd fucking wreck this place."
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Smith on 19 September, 2017, 05:41:35 am
Why does Rogue like Magneto?
He's attractive.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: von Boom on 19 September, 2017, 04:23:57 pm
A snail was mugged by a tortoise. When the police asked the snail if he could describe his assailant the snail replied, 'No, it happened too fast.'
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Smith on 19 September, 2017, 07:47:06 pm
What do superheroes put in their drinks?
Just ice.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Hawkmumbler on 20 September, 2017, 08:50:01 pm
How many Irish men does it take to plant an Acorn?

Tree.

'Zac's not being let into the Emerald isle anytime soon'
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: TordelBack on 20 September, 2017, 09:26:50 pm
How many Irish men does it take to plant an Acorn?

Tree.


Ah, but how many does it take to cut down the oak that results?

The same: tree fellers.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 21 September, 2017, 10:18:17 am
I just got one of those anti-bullying wristbands - stole it off a fat kid.

Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Smith on 22 September, 2017, 11:00:07 am
How do you drown a hipster?
In the mainstream.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 27 September, 2017, 07:00:53 am
Q: If the Queen, Theresa May, Jeremy Corbyn, Nigel Dodds, Vince Cable and Mark Carney are on a ship in the middle of an Atlantic storm and the ship sinks, who is saved?

A: Britain.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Smith on 27 September, 2017, 09:16:34 am
People used to laugh at me when I said I wanted to be a comedian.But nobody's laughing now.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: sheridan on 27 September, 2017, 01:18:30 pm
People used to laugh at me when I said I wanted to be a comedian.But nobody's laughing now.

Bob Monkhouse - a comic artist in his youth.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Smith on 27 September, 2017, 01:23:12 pm
I shouldnt have eaten all that seafood.Im feeling a little eel now.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 27 September, 2017, 02:41:40 pm
I shouldnt have eaten all that seafood.Im feeling a little eel now.
Sushi shame. That'll teach you to shell out on the good stuff and share instead of being so shellfish. I'll get me roach...
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Smith on 27 September, 2017, 03:33:13 pm
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.She looked surprised.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Smith on 06 October, 2017, 03:50:27 pm
Urge to sing "The lion sleeps tonight" is always just a whim away.A whim away.A whim away.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 06 October, 2017, 09:01:13 pm
They say invisible ink's making a comeback but I can't see it.

Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Woolly on 06 October, 2017, 09:30:18 pm
I've decided to join Stockholm Syndrome club.
I'm told I'll grow to love it.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Smith on 07 October, 2017, 06:06:02 am
Why are junkies stealing comic books?
They heard they contain strong heroines.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Rara Avis on 07 October, 2017, 07:23:15 pm
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish person?

None
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Mister Pops on 14 October, 2017, 08:27:46 pm
3 conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.

Don't try to tell me that's just a coincidence
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Smith on 14 October, 2017, 08:41:38 pm
Democracy is a system where two idiots outvote one smart person.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 03 November, 2017, 06:28:06 pm
How do you confuse a Daily Mail reader?

Tell him the natural food of asylum seekers is paedophiles.

Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Smith on 03 November, 2017, 06:32:26 pm
How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one,they are efficent and not very funny.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 03 November, 2017, 07:21:08 pm
Poor old Theresa May. As a child she was somebody else's imaginary friend.

Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Smith on 03 November, 2017, 07:45:39 pm
The fact there is highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about the expected traffic.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Smith on 09 November, 2017, 10:39:54 am
An old Russian proverb:
Everything they told us about communism was a lie,but everything they told us about capitalism turned out to be true.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Tjm86 on 09 November, 2017, 11:16:40 am
That one's not a joke.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Smith on 09 November, 2017, 11:55:57 am
That one's not a joke.
Its a super-realistic humor.  :|
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Smith on 13 November, 2017, 08:41:59 am
How many men does it take to defend France?
Nobody knows,they never tried.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Bolt-01 on 16 November, 2017, 03:45:33 pm
A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost.

He reduced altitude to try to figure out where he was when he spotted a woman below. He descended further and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I appear to be a little off course. I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

Amazed by what she said, the balloonist stated "You must be in Information Technology!"

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is that I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below smiled and responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: sheridan on 16 November, 2017, 05:51:33 pm
A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost.
(snip)
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

Always a classic - also told about Engineering Corps and Officers.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 19 November, 2017, 02:43:22 pm
My script for Toy Story 4 focuses on Andy's mum's toys, which are also called Woody and Buzz.

Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Tjm86 on 19 November, 2017, 03:36:13 pm
So where does Mr Potato head fit in?
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 19 November, 2017, 04:28:49 pm
That's Granny's toy.

Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 24 November, 2017, 07:38:36 pm
Amazon really are useless. I ordered four Kindles and they sent me a Two Ronnies dvd.

Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: TordelBack on 24 November, 2017, 10:48:33 pm
Amazon really are useless. I ordered four Kindles and they sent me a Two Ronnies dvd.

 :lol: Now that's a good 'un.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Angry Vince on 25 November, 2017, 01:26:57 am
Amazon really are useless. I ordered four Kindles and they sent me a Two Ronnies dvd.

Bloody hell, took me a minute, but damn that is funny!
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Tjm86 on 25 November, 2017, 08:57:32 am
You have to be really careful here too, reading it on the 'recent post' thread.  If you miss which thread it really is on then brain takes a bit of time to engage.

Hats off sir, that is a cracker!   :lol:
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Colin YNWA on 25 November, 2017, 10:07:21 pm
Overheard this today at my daughters 'performing art' show this afternoon.

What does The Doctor (Who) have for starters when he goes pizza?

Dalek bread.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Smith on 24 December, 2017, 04:20:48 pm
There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old's life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 27 December, 2017, 01:47:18 pm
I love that game where you ring someone's doorbell and then run off. It's called "ParcelForce."

Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Dandontdare on 27 December, 2017, 02:00:16 pm
I love that game where you ring someone's doorbell and then run off. It's called "ParcelForce."

Ah yes, the tantric sex of delivery firms - you stay in for hours and nobody comes
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Tjm86 on 30 December, 2017, 09:33:40 am
So what are Yodel then?
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Hawkmumbler on 30 December, 2017, 09:58:26 am
So what are Yodel then?
The Oral Sex of delivery firms. It happens suddenly, you get a mouth full and finally landed with an extortionate bill.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Tjm86 on 30 December, 2017, 10:24:00 am
At the risk of asking; Hermes?
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Greg M. on 30 December, 2017, 10:33:54 am
Hermes?
Change the 'm' to a 'p' and you'll get your answer.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 11 January, 2018, 05:10:16 pm
"Can you tell me where the library's at?"

*snort* "At Oxford, we do not end sentences with prepositions."

"Sorry. Can you tell me where the library's at, Asshole?"

Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Smith on 11 January, 2018, 05:50:04 pm
Ran into my ex in the metro today.What a great day to be a train driver.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: von Boom on 14 January, 2018, 12:57:00 pm
My 8 yr. old asked me what it was like to be a married man, so I ignored him for a week and then yelled at him for something he did when he was 3.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Tjm86 on 14 January, 2018, 07:02:16 pm
Why didn't you just tell him to get back in the kitchen?
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: von Boom on 07 March, 2018, 06:48:22 pm
Do you know how you can tell if a redneck is married?

There's spit stains on both sides of the truck.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 07 March, 2018, 09:28:33 pm
My girlfriend said that sex is always better when you're on holiday.

I've never received a more depressing postcard.

Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: von Boom on 08 March, 2018, 03:43:15 pm
What does a cannibal consider a phone book?

A menu.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Smith on 09 March, 2018, 08:12:21 pm
If Batmans parents were killed by pollution,would he end up becoming Captain Planet?
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: DrRocka on 10 March, 2018, 11:10:15 am
Q- How does Batman’s Mum call him in for his dinner?
A- Dinnerdinnerdinnerdin-
Q- HIS MUM’S DEAD YOU BASTARD THATS WHY HE’S BATMAN
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: K2 on 10 March, 2018, 12:34:48 pm
Why do all wedding dresses come in white?

Because that's the color all new major appliances come in.

K2


Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Colin YNWA on 10 March, 2018, 08:59:05 pm
What do you call a bird of prey that lives in your kitchen?

A Tea Towl.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 11 March, 2018, 12:39:18 pm
Without doubt my favourite Robin Williams movie is Mrs Fire.

Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Tjm86 on 11 March, 2018, 01:31:58 pm
That's a face palmer , that is!

 :lol:
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: JayzusB.Christ on 12 March, 2018, 12:24:57 am
Without doubt my favourite Robin Williams movie is Mrs Fire.

 :lol:
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 12 March, 2018, 06:36:30 am

What a beautiful day for putting on a fez, running into a funeral home and shouting, "Just like that!"

R.I.P. Ken.

Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Tjm86 on 12 March, 2018, 04:00:14 pm

What a beautiful day for putting on a fez, running into a funeral home and shouting, "Just like that!"

R.I.P. Ken.

I thought that was Tommy Cooper?
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: James Stacey on 12 March, 2018, 04:39:29 pm
Did he ?
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: JamesC on 12 March, 2018, 06:00:05 pm
Did he ?

No, Doddy!
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 12 March, 2018, 09:38:01 pm
It's what he would've wanted.

Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: von Boom on 13 March, 2018, 03:36:14 pm
I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law in 18 years.

I didn't want to interrupt her.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 13 March, 2018, 04:03:04 pm
What a beautiful day for sticking a cucumber through the Vicar's letterbox and shouting, "the Martians are coming!"

Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: von Boom on 21 March, 2018, 05:29:09 pm
A blind man walks into a pub.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: von Boom on 24 March, 2018, 11:32:36 pm
I just found out they aren't making yardsticks any longer.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: A.Cow on 26 March, 2018, 04:14:32 am
I was recently asked to take part in an instructional video for a group of dolphins, demonstrating how to get rid of the pesky seals which had invaded their island.

They told me that my cull will be recorded for training porpoises.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 28 March, 2018, 02:48:41 pm
Donald Trump goes on a fact-finding visit to
Israel. While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he
suffers a heart attack and dies. The undertaker
tells the American diplomats accompanying
him, ‘You can have him shipped home for $
50,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy
Land for just $100.’
The American diplomats go into a corner to
discuss for a few minutes. They return with
their answer to the undertaker and tell him
they want Donald Trump shipped home. The
undertaker is puzzled and asks, ‘Why would you
spend $50,000 to ship him home, when it
would be wonderful to be buried here and you
would spend only $100?
The American diplomats reply, ‘Long ago a man
died here, was buried here, and three days
later he rose from the dead. We just can’t take
the risk.'

Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 31 March, 2018, 05:08:12 pm
"Why is my sister called Teresa?"

"Because your Mother loves Easter, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter."

"Cool, thanks, Dad."

"No problem, Alan."

Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Colin YNWA on 31 March, 2018, 06:19:14 pm
Took me a while but I got there...
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: TordelBack on 31 March, 2018, 07:50:24 pm
Took me a while but I got there...

Bit of lube speeds things up.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Tjm86 on 31 March, 2018, 08:47:55 pm
Took me a while but I got there...

Bit of lube speeds things up.

ouch!
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Tjm86 on 03 April, 2018, 12:50:00 pm
... mind you, it took me a while to work it out too.   :o
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 03 April, 2018, 02:44:09 pm
... mind you, it took me a while to work it out too.   :o

Bit of lube would have ensured it slid out more easily...

Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Smith on 03 April, 2018, 02:49:23 pm
Version I knew was
-Mom,why is my cousin named Rose?
-Because your aunt likes flowers
-What do you like,mom?
-Oh shut up,Richard
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Tjm86 on 03 April, 2018, 02:54:20 pm
Now that is Tricky!
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 16 June, 2018, 06:17:24 am
I was watching the Women's Beach Volleyball
Championship last night and within minutes there was a horrific wrist injury. I should be all right in a few days though.

Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Hawkmumbler on 16 June, 2018, 01:20:36 pm
A catholic priest begins his day at the confessional.
A voice waivers through from the other booth, "Forgive me father for I have sinned".
"It's alright my child, god will forgive you, just tell me what you have done."
"I have beaten children, father, prayed on them and abused them."
Oh, thought the priest, this could be serious. "Go on.." he implored.
"I once thrashed a child till his back flowed with blood, broke the wrist of another, and and disfigured a young girl..."
"Good grief!" said the priest, sliding the confessional panel open to reveal a Nun.

"Oh thank goodness it's you sister! I thought there was a psychopath in the church!"
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 17 June, 2018, 03:20:53 pm

Got an email from a bored housewife, 32, looking for some action.
I sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy

Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: paddykafka on 29 June, 2018, 02:04:16 pm
I fell off me bike yesterday. Spent ages looking for a thread called "Life is a series of Minor ImPEDALments."
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: sheridan on 29 June, 2018, 03:26:23 pm
I fell off me bike yesterday. Spent ages looking for a thread called "Life is a series of Minor ImPEDALments."

On the off-chance that isn't just an excuse for a pun - hope you (and bike) are both doing well!
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: paddykafka on 29 June, 2018, 03:33:18 pm
Ah, thanks Sheridan! Very kind of you. But yes, it was just a purely invented excuse for a pun. The bike is fine, even if it's owner is in the midst of middle-aged decrepitude.  :lol:Appreciate the thought though. (I'm now feeling a bit like Bart Simpson in the episode where he pretends that he's trapped down a well, lol.)

Cheers!
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Smith on 09 July, 2018, 08:57:35 pm
Contrary to popular belief,we have summer in the UK.Its the best day of the year.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Fungus on 10 July, 2018, 09:18:50 am
Contrary to popular belief,we have summer in the UK.Its the best day of the year.

Maybe by the Heatwave Deniers!?  :|
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Tjm86 on 10 July, 2018, 04:51:30 pm
Fake Forecast!!!!!!
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 10 July, 2018, 05:13:38 pm

I just found out that cock-fighting is done with cockerels. That's thirteen months of training for nothing.

Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Tjm86 on 10 July, 2018, 06:13:19 pm
Was that in the Bantamweight category?
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 10 July, 2018, 06:30:42 pm

Fly :(

Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: von Boom on 14 July, 2018, 04:30:50 pm
t’s not hard to meet expenses . . . they’re everywhere.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: von Boom on 14 July, 2018, 07:50:11 pm
There are two goldfish in a tank. One turns to the other and says, 'Do you know how to drive this thing?'
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Tjm86 on 15 July, 2018, 08:11:22 am
t’s not hard to meet expenses . . . they’re everywhere.

Gah!  How slow am I?  Took me three reads to get it.

<facepalm> :crazy:
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Magnetica on 16 July, 2018, 01:30:35 pm
t’s not hard to meet expenses . . . they’re everywhere.

Gah!  How slow am I?  Took me three reads to get it.

<facepalm> :crazy:

Maybe I’m just thick, but I don’t get it.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: sheridan on 16 July, 2018, 07:57:11 pm
t’s not hard to meet expenses . . . they’re everywhere.

Gah!  How slow am I?  Took me three reads to get it.

<facepalm> :crazy:

Maybe I’m just thick, but I don’t get it.

Meeting expenses usually means managing to pay expenses.

Meeting people means to make the acquaintance of people (through friends, in pubs, clubs, down the supermarket, etc).

In this instance, meeting expenses is making the acquaintance of more expenses, rather than managing to pay off the ones already accrued...
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: von Boom on 23 July, 2018, 12:18:26 am
Went to the zoo, it was rubbish. Only had one animal, a dog. It was a shih tzu.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: von Boom on 23 July, 2018, 05:29:33 pm
I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 29 July, 2018, 11:44:32 am

The Procrastination Society's Christmas party has been rescheduled for August 24th - venue to be decided.

Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Tjm86 on 29 July, 2018, 01:05:56 pm
.... in a follow up announcement it was decided that it might be held in September or October.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 29 July, 2018, 01:20:20 pm

I'm just around the corner from being on the verge of beginning to think about whether I need to contemplate discussing my possible attendance at the planning stage of this proposed event.

Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Tjm86 on 29 July, 2018, 02:12:44 pm
Well, I was considering wether to look at planning for my attendance but I figured that since the date and venue had not been set yet I'd leave it for now.  I'll come back later once I've finished rearranging my shelves and see if there is anything firmer.  Well, maybe.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 03 August, 2018, 02:55:12 pm
A dog walks into a butcher's shop and the butcher
 asks him"what do you want?"
The dog points to
 steak in a glass case.
"How many pounds?"
The dog barks twice.
"Anything else?"
The dog points to some pork chops and barks
four times so the butcher wraps up a two
 pound steak and four pork chops and places the
bag in the dog's mouth.
He then takes money from a purse tied around
the dog's neck and sees him out.
A customer who has been watching in
amazement follows the dog to a house several
streets away where it rings the bell to be let in.
As the owner appears at the door the customer
says, "What a remarkable dog!"
"Remarkable?" says the owner "That's the third
time this week he's forgotten his keys."


Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 09 August, 2018, 10:10:12 am
How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change the bulb and one to hold the penis ladder.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: paddykafka on 09 August, 2018, 12:14:30 pm
So Bob is drinking in his local pub when his old friend, Bill - who has been studying Psychology in America for a few years - shows up out of the blue. Bill tries to explain to Bob how the Freudian Slip works.

"I was getting on a bus going to Pittsburgh. The driver taking the fares was a lady with large breasts and I mistakenly asked her for a ticket to Tittsburgh. Well that is an example of the Freudian Slip."

"Ah, Jaysus," says Bob. "Now I get what you mean. Why only last week, meself and the wife were having breakfast, and I meant to say 'Darling, could you pass the salt, please?' but instead I said: 'Ya feckin' bitch! You've ruined me life!' "
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 09 August, 2018, 12:46:07 pm

How many pedants does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, because the lightbulb is not changed, it is replaced.

Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: M.I.K. on 09 August, 2018, 04:01:52 pm

How many pedants does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, because the lightbulb is not changed, it is replaced.

Nope. Not having that.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Tjm86 on 09 August, 2018, 06:20:07 pm
Absolutely.  It is not 'replaced' at all.  More accurately, an operational lightbulb is substituted for a defunct lightbulb.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 09 August, 2018, 06:52:26 pm

The lightbulb has already changed, from an operational state to a non-operational state - in the case of defunction. Therefore, in this case, it is only after the lightbulb has changed from one state to another that it is replaced. Similarly, unchanged lightbulbs can also be replaced with other unchanged lightbulbs, in the case of replacing a clear one with a pearl or coloured one or a bulb of one wattage for a different wattage. In neither case is the lightbulb changed, in colour or wattage, but replaced. In both cases, however, the ambience provided by the replaced lightbulb can change significantly, which can lead to a better chance of getting one's leg over. In my case, however, I have found that the optimal chance of a legover comes from the complete absence of any form of lighting whatsoever, heavy blackout curtains and access to liberal quantities of strong drink...

Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: paddykafka on 09 August, 2018, 07:02:25 pm
How many Feminists does it take to change a Lightbulb?

"THAT'S NOT FUNNY!!!"
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Funt Solo on 09 August, 2018, 07:23:58 pm
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

It's a hardware issue.

Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 10 August, 2018, 12:41:06 am

How many judges does it take to change a lightbulb?

You lookin' for a fat lip, Creep?

Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: TordelBack on 10 August, 2018, 07:36:07 am
How many muties does it take to change a light bulb?


None, they glow in the dark.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: JamesC on 10 August, 2018, 08:10:54 am
It's not the lightbulb that needs to change, it's society.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: Tjm86 on 10 August, 2018, 08:40:35 am
This is of course predicated on the assumption that these are in fact 'light bulbs'.  This is a common fallacy.  They are actually 'dark suckers', hoovering up any dark in the vicinity of the said devices.  Higher rated dark suckers are able to more rapidly remove any dark from a given location which is why areas seem brighter.  Obviously they have a limited capacity and once they become full are no longer able to suck dark.  This is clearly indicated by the big dark patch that appears to indicate the need for a new dark sucker.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: paddykafka on 17 August, 2018, 01:33:37 pm
A Priest was walking past a pet shop one day when he noticed a sign in the window: "Christian Horse for Sale."

Being that the Priest owned a large farm, he was immediately interested, and went into the shop. The owner took the Priest out to the back, where he saw a beautiful Arabian stallion.

He agreed to allow the Priest to take a "test run."

The Priest grabbed the reins. "Giddyap!"

The horse ignored him.

"No, no," counseled the owner. This is a Christian horse. If you want him to move, you must say, "Praise the Lord!"

The Priest did as he was told, and the horse started off on a leisurely walk. However, he soon found that the horse would not stop.

 "He won't answer to 'Whoa', said the owner. It's "Amen."

The Priest decided that he liked the horse, so he bought him and took him home to his farm in the country. He saddled the horse up again, said, "Praise the Lord," and went riding into the countryside.

Suddenly, the horse saw a snake crossing the path. Frightened, he reared and bolted straight for a cliff. The Priest cried "whoa!" but the horse only ran faster. In vain, he tried one word after another. Finally, he remembered the correct command and screamed "AMEN!!!!!" just as the horse approached the edge of the cliff.

The Priest was so thrilled that his life had been saved that he raised his hands to the sky and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD!"
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: QuickQuag on 09 September, 2018, 11:40:01 am


Q: What did the piece of cheese say when it saw itself in the mirror?





A: "Haloumi"
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: The Legendary Shark on 09 September, 2018, 04:22:25 pm

King Canute took his new laptop back to PC World for a refund. Apparently, he couldn't get Ctrl+C to work.

Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: JayzusB.Christ on 10 September, 2018, 09:45:49 pm

King Canute took his new laptop back to PC World for a refund. Apparently, he couldn't get Ctrl+C to work.



Finally the penny drops!
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: JamesC on 11 September, 2018, 06:01:26 am
What do we want?

Low flying aeroplane noises!

When do we want them?

Neeeooow!
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: von Boom on 28 September, 2018, 12:32:50 pm
My girlfriend just admitted she used to be a Christian, so I broke up with her.

It might seem judgemental, but I have only known her since she was Christine.
Title: Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
Post by: von Boom on 04 October, 2018, 02:25:00 pm
I took my dog to the park to play frisbee. It was rubbish. I need a flatter dog.