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Messages - NapalmKev

Pages: [1] 2 3 ... 74
1
General / Re: Oct/Nov SHORT STORY COMP! "Bdum... Tish!"
« on: 21 October, 2017, 07:37:14 am »
I'm not sure if this qualifies, but here it is anyway.


Did he want Fries with that?


Due to the ineptitude of a Justice Department Psychiatrist, Mean Machine Angel has been paroled into a work release programme.


Mean glared down at the Juve and handed him his No: 46 - Hot Munce wings with Mock-Choc sauce. "Thank you, Sir." He resisted the urge to leap across the counter and 'Bok' the Spug into oblivion. Staying out of the Cubes was his main concern... for the moment. "Enjoy your meal!"

"Yeah, Drokk you, Slaphead!" The Juve walked away laughing and the queue shuffled forward. A family of four were next.

"Welcome to 'Masticators'. How can I help?"

"Well, for starters I want two 'Juve-Meals' wit-"

"I'm sorry, sir. When placing your order you have to quote the meal number. Juve meals start at number 75 and end at 155." Mean could feel the rage smouldering within.

"Oh, ok." He scanned the board "Can I have a 75 and a 77, Fattie-Size-

"I'm sorry ,sir. Here at 'Masticators' we don't like to use language that may offend-" Drokk you, Spughead, he thought to himself and again resisted the urge to leap the counter. He knew he was on the verge of losing it. Big time! "Standard size is 'Slender', 'Fattie' is Large, and we also have a Mega-size which is called 'Face full'"

The guy sighed. "Right then, I'll have a 75 and a 77, Large. My wife would like a 69 with extra sausage, Large."

Mean was about ready to go Nuclear "And for you, Sir?"

The guy licked his lips "I'll have a 'Face full' of number 4!"

BOK!

2
Games / Re: Freebies and/or bargains
« on: 17 October, 2017, 11:12:31 am »
Top drawer Sneakfest Metal Gear Solid V - The Phantom Pain is currently free on PS4 until the beginning of November.

Cheers

3
Film & TV / Re: Last movie watched...
« on: 17 October, 2017, 10:58:39 am »
The Dark Tower.

A strange one, this. I enjoyed it but felt the story was a bit on the thin side, almost like 30-45 mins had been ripped out of it. Excellent performances from the main cast and some good special effects that actually seem to serve the story rather than be there just for eye-candy. And a few well placed Easter eggs for the fans.

There was a lot of internet tutting knobbery about Idris Elba playing the part of the Gunslinger. I thought he played the part well. And as for the "But he's Black!" argument, well, Fuck off to be honest, it's irrelevant, and can even be explained away with Nerdery - He's a different 'Roland' from a different reality. I would suggest that the way the film starts with Roland holding his dying father actually tells you this isn't the same Roland from the books, No Ka-Tet, no horn of Eld and he still has all of his fingers. Never mind the fact that he actually beats the Man in Black

Anyway, enough ranting. It's not a masterpiece by any stretch of the imagination and it crams a lot into it's short running time but it's a solid watch.

Cheers

4
General / Re: SEPT/OCT Story Comp RESULTS/PRIZES!!
« on: 17 October, 2017, 10:35:04 am »
Congratulations Bolt-01. And well done to all entrants, look forward to the next Competition.

Cheers

5
General / Re: SHORT STORY VOTING THREAD WITH PRIZES!!!!
« on: 11 October, 2017, 08:04:57 pm »
1. Timothy

2. Bolt-01

3. Eamonn Clarke


Great stuff!

Cheers

6
General / Re: August/Sept SHORT STORY COMP - "I'll Never For Get Whatisname"
« on: 19 September, 2017, 09:19:22 pm »
Late Night Phone In.

With a Gun in one hand and a phone in the other, he weighed his options.

"It's everywhere! Don't you see? It's everywhere and it eats. And eats, and EATS AND EATSAND-

"And I'm afraid we'll have to cut you off and hope that you get yourself some help. Let's take another call - What's your name and what's on your mind?"

Name! Not his real one that's for certain. He looked towards his muted TV for inspiration and saw 'Only Fools and Horses', Boom!

"Uh, Hello.. my name's um, Rodney. Yeah, that'll do. Rodney. And the thing is I need to get something of my chest."

"Talk away, Rodney. What's your bother?"

He paused. The Guy's tone, he didn't like it.

"Well, you see..." - Gun in one hand phone in the other - "...I've been Horrible! In the most offensive and inappropriate ways. An all round Bastard! But recently... something's happened."

"Go on, Rod; get it off your chest."

"Yeah, right then." -  Condescending Prick - "I was beating some bloke the other day, different Football team and such, and I had what you might call an "Epiffipy!"

"Do you mean an 'Epiphany', Rod?"

"That's what I said!" - Is he taking the piss? - "Anyhow, I was beating him and I realised to myself that this had been my whole life. Hurting people just because they were different. They didn't think the same things that I did so they got a Slap, you know?... This guy, I had him off the ground, by his throat so to speak, and he was struggling to talk. I loosened up a bit just to hear what he had to say, thought it might be a laugh." - Gun in one hand - "He's spluttering, coughing blood and he says 'My son! He's only little, I have to find him!' -Gun- "I dropped the Guy and legged it..."

"Go on, Rod."

"Yeah." - That's better. A more sombre, respectful tone. But in the end does it really matter? - "As soon as the Match finished we charged outside and waited for the Away fans to exit... Then we rushed them, No quarter given. Thing is they weren't like us, seasoned thugs waving a banner for 'Her Maj', They were families and proper fans, as I've now come to understand, through the News and what have you, the Guy I was choking... his son..." -The decision is made - "I knew then, none of my Bullshit ever mattered. In fact, my Bullshit was not only a waste of my life but also a waste of that Poor FUCKING CHI-

"And I'm afraid we'll have to cut you off and hope that you get yourself some help. Let's take another call - What's your name and what's on your mind?"

Gun.





7
Help! / Re: Name That Story!
« on: 12 September, 2017, 08:20:20 pm »

(Sorry Napalm I didn't mean to Jack your thread, man!)


No worries at all, Heath. And thanks to Lobo Baggins for the info.

Cheers

8
Help! / Name That Story!
« on: 09 September, 2017, 08:38:35 pm »
Shout out to the Hivemind - Can anyone name this 2000ad story I have vague memories of?

It features people fighting in front of an audience and tiles on the ground that activate different traps. The only exchange of dialogue I remember is - "Where did you learn to fight?", answer "My Grandmother!"

Thanks in advance!

Cheers

9
Music / Re: Inevitable "crap music" thread
« on: 03 September, 2017, 11:08:23 am »
If it's crap covers you're after you will have to go a long way to beat Another Brick in the Wall by angst ridden Forever-Teens, Korn(y).

Yeah, it can be interesting when Metal and Punk bands cover songs that are not from their respective Genre's, as is evidenced by the utterly awful Sounds of Silence by Disturbed.

And finally, a shit cover of a shit original Everything I do, I do for you

No, don't thank me.

Cheers

10
Games / Re: Last game played...
« on: 03 September, 2017, 08:43:51 am »
Layers of Fear. which was free awhile back on XBOX One. It's a horror exploration game involving searching your ever changing house for the means to complete a painting. I enjoyed it!

Gone Home which was free awhile back on PS4. Apparently it won a game of the year award which is surprising considering it is a boring piece of crap that can be finished in less than a minute. Yes. less than a minute!!! Similar mechanics to Layers but not as much exploring, puzzling or fun! On the plus side it was free so no harm done.

In between those two I've finished DMC Definitive Edition on Dante Must Die which was great fun. Left 4 Dead 2 verses, it draws me back like a junkie to a Crack-pipe. And a bit of Black Ops 2 Zombies.

Cheers

11
General / Re: August/Sept SHORT STORY COMP - "I'll Never For Get Whatisname"
« on: 03 September, 2017, 08:26:27 am »
All of This.
my last visitor was the most curious thing, pink and fluffy with a nose like an Anteater. It appeared right in front of me, I tried to say hello but it ran screaming into the forest... My Forest! All of it!...

It's twisted beauty stretching far into the beyond. Elegant and brutal all at once! And it's all mine! All of this... For just thirty pieces of Silver!


I must confess I'm confused by this one - did the Gronk ever meet Judas Iscariot?


I made the mistake of creating a time-travelling/Dimension shifting Gronk in a previous story. I now feel compelled to shoehorn him in wherever possible.*

Cheers

*the keen eyed amongst you will notice that the Gronk was alone when he appeared in the forest. He was not accompanied by the four Tek-Judges that teleported with him in 'A Necessary Judgement'. Where are they? What happened to them? I'm not even sure myself at the moment - the joys of writing myself into a corner.



12
General / Re: August/Sept SHORT STORY COMP - "I'll Never For Get Whatisname"
« on: 02 September, 2017, 06:43:01 pm »
All of This.


A Visitor! In this most blighted of places, come sit, rest here awhile. You are not put off by my appearance? Good, there is much I would speak of and it is rare that someone chances by. In fact you would be the first in what?... 10,000 years? Maybe more, it's hard to keep track... my last visitor was the most curious thing, pink and fluffy with a nose like an Anteater. It appeared right in front of me, I tried to say hello but it ran screaming into the forest... My Forest! All of it!...

Oh, you're still here? Forgive me, my mind wanders. I try to forget the pain but without distractions... well, you can imagine. So tell me, why are you here? You can't be hoping to confront Him, surely? It doesn't pay to get on his bad side as you can plainly see... When everyone else returned to Earth, I remained! Murderers, Rapists, Genocidal Dictators! Every dark and twisted individual that had ever lived... and yet I remain here! An eternity of pain and torment just for playing my part in his Grand Plan... someone had to betray him so that he could make the ultimate sacrifice! For the salvation of those who are ultimately beyond help and redemption... Mindless apes... CATTLE!...

My apologies, I did it again. No don't go, you must understand what you are dealing with if you traverse any further. Vengeance can last forever in these parts... and it can be a bitter and painful affair... as you can see. And besides, I don't want you traipsing through my forest... It's twisted beauty stretching far into the beyond. Elegant and brutal all at once! And it's all mine! All of this... For just thirty pieces of Silver!


13
General / Re: "2000TV" Story Comp VOTING THREAD (WITH PRIZES)
« on: 08 July, 2017, 07:58:04 am »
1. IAMTHESYSTEM

2. BAD CITY BLUE

3. JABISH

Honourable Mention - TIMOTHY

14
Off Topic / Re: Honest Opinion
« on: 07 July, 2017, 06:22:29 am »

 Can they sing and I can't appreciate it?


Can Barney from Napalm Death sing? What about Mongolian throat singing? Opera? It's all about the passion and enjoying what you are doing. I don't consider myself to be a very good singer but that doesn't stop me trying.


 and how can it be sneaky when they produce their own videos of their performance?


Which they are aware of at the time of filming. What you have  done, by your own admission, is video them in secret and then post the videos on social media platforms. It's not good form, IMO.

Cheers



15
Film & TV / Re: Judge Dredd: Mega-City One - TV show announced!
« on: 25 June, 2017, 12:38:55 pm »
I thought it was mentioned in the film that the signal wouldn't pass all the way to the top* because of the amount of floors blocking the signal.

Cheers

*even though there is a massive gap leading all the way to the top of the tower. I may be misremembering.

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