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Author Topic: Squaxx Telling Jokes  (Read 7934 times)

shaolin_monkey

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #135 on: 02 May, 2017, 07:55:35 am »
I don't like to use Latin or Greek in speech or writing.  I find it a bit narcissistic.

Smith

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #136 on: 04 July, 2017, 05:09:01 pm »
Back in the day,a priest working over some pagan:
-You know,you could come to the church,just to see whats it about...
-Sorry,on Sundays I pay my respect to my ancestors.
-Couldn't you do that in a church?
-I could,but I don't have any ancestors from Israel.

Eamonn Clarke

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #137 on: 10 July, 2017, 02:00:49 pm »
At Ely folk festival yesterday wearing my ABC Warriors t-shirt and a chap at a stall said
"I've always thought that ABC Warriors sounds like a support band for DEF Leopard."

Took me a moment or two.
 ;)

zombemybabynow

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #138 on: 10 July, 2017, 02:48:51 pm »
Why does noddy wear a hat with bells on it?

'coz he's a c@nt
I already picked up the fail when I lost my primary weapon

The Legendary Shark

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #139 on: 10 July, 2017, 06:38:10 pm »
Just as the duck was about to cross the road the chicken shouted, "Stop - or you'll never hear the end of it!"


JLC

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #140 on: 10 July, 2017, 10:18:37 pm »
Just as the duck was about to cross the road the chicken shouted, "Stop - or you'll never hear the end of it!"
HaHa!

Don't give up the day job...whatever that is...

The Legendary Shark

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #141 on: 12 July, 2017, 08:36:19 pm »
My girlfriend lets me lick anything off her and I love it. Butter, jam, cheese, you name it she lets me lick it off her.............She's a cracker!


The Legendary Shark

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #142 on: 16 July, 2017, 09:46:42 pm »

Smith

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #143 on: 19 July, 2017, 03:31:06 pm »
A husband goes on a vacation ahead of his wife,and sends her an email to tell her hes arrived safely and all all that.But he messes up the address and the message arrives to a recent widow.
Her kids find her passed out in front of the computer.On the screen there is a message:
I got here a few hours ago.See you tomorrow.Its hot like hell here.
Your husband.

The Legendary Shark

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #144 on: 19 July, 2017, 05:17:24 pm »
My new aftershave smells like breadcrumbs.

The birds love it.


flip-r mk2

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #145 on: 19 July, 2017, 07:27:07 pm »
A female weightlifter goes to the doctors:

"I've been taking steroids & now I've grown a penis!"

"Anabolic" says the Doctor.

"No just a penis"

filippo
It's all right, that's in every contract.
That's what they call a sanity clause.
You can't fool me, there ain't no sanity clause.

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The Legendary Shark

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #146 on: 19 July, 2017, 08:04:56 pm »
A man goes to the doctor and says, "I fart when I walk."

The doctor raises an eyebrow and asks the man to demonstrate, so he walks from one side of the surgery to the other and goes pfft, frrt, thrrt, pfft, frrt, thrrt, pfft, frrt, thrrt.

"Good Lord," says the doctor, that's extraordinary. I want to get my colleague in here to see this as well." He calls his practice partner on the intercom and he enters the room. "Watch this," says the doctor and asks the man to walk around again, which he does - pfft, frrt, thrrt, pfft, frrt, thrrt, pfft, frrt, thrrt.

The two doctors call in the practice nurse as well - pfft, frrt, thrrt, pfft, frrt, thrrt, pfft, frrt, thrrt.

The first doctor leaves the room for a moment and returns holding a long wooden pole with a hook on the end. The farting patient's eyes widen and he asks, nervously, "What the Hell are you going to do with that!?"

The doctor frowns and says, "Open a f*cking window."


Smith

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #147 on: 21 July, 2017, 03:19:39 pm »
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to
go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night,
and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of
planets."
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke:
"Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our
tent!"

The Legendary Shark

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #148 on: 27 August, 2017, 05:44:05 pm »
I walked in to a pub toilet earlier, the guy next to me said,  "I'm so drunk I'm pissing tequila."

That's the last time I'm falling for that one.


paddykafka

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #149 on: 14 September, 2017, 02:23:51 pm »
What did the barman say to Watson at closing time?

"Have you no Holmes to go to?!"