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Author Topic: Threadjacking!  (Read 517323 times)

JayzusB.Christ

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Re: Threadjacking!
« Reply #6885 on: 09 February, 2020, 10:45:00 PM »
Richmond vegetarian (might actually be vegan?) sausages are almost identical in taste and texture to the meat ones. I just had the most delicious sausage sandwich.


Ah. Those are the ones with the grammatically incorrect bags. They were supposed to read Tree-Meat sausages.

Also ftfy
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Funt Solo

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Re: Threadjacking!
« Reply #6886 on: 10 February, 2020, 01:59:40 AM »
This thread is making me hungry...
Frank would know.

Proudhuff

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Re: Threadjacking!
« Reply #6887 on: 11 February, 2020, 04:27:17 PM »
We have this sheet, on the farm. We call it "The Sheet," we even pronounce the capitalisation and bold font. We sometimes add italics and waggly finger tips to acknowledge impending eerieness. Because The Sheet isn't what it seems to be. The Sheet is purest evil.

Oh, it must have been magnificent when it was new. Tough, hard, shiny black plastic cut to precisely three metres by twelve metres, easy to fold in half to receive a load of wood chips or horse manure; I imagine how easily my spade would slide over it as I fill barrows of chippings for the woodland paths or barrows of horse shit for the Smelly Corner. How easy to scrape up those last bits, how easy to wash off, how easy to fold away.

But all that was long ago and The Sheet has long since revealed its true nature. It's more holes, now, than plastic, twisted and evil. Jagged, rent pennants flap from its once geometrically perfect sides, jagged holes pucker and gape, sucking at your hands and boots with bad tempered jaggedy edges. And it stinks, now, and it's always unpleasantly moist, and it has... things living in it. Things that disappear when light gets on them. It whips and it writhes and it whispers in the wind even, and especially, when it isn't windy.

It is like the four dimensional shadow of the ideal Platonic shape of a nightmare protruding into our world. But I fear it may be more even than that. I can't be certain (because I had to construct my instruments out of old baked bean tins and a hair dryer) but I think the farmer is deliberately feeding The Sheet. Nearly six per cent of every load simply vanishes between delivery and relocation. It's odd, because she's always so careful to keep the cats and dogs away from it and hates to go near it herself. We lost a chicken to it, one time, and all Hell let loose for a fortnight - The Sheet kept blowing loose and ending up in all sorts of weird places. I swear one night I saw it fighting with another sheet in the woods, whipped up by one of those storms that come screaming in at us from the Irish Sea, whipping and rending and biting - black jagged fury in a black jagged night.

This morning, I had to unfold The Sheet in preparation for a delivery of wood chips. It's easy to do - just be aware of your feet and under no circumstances gaze into one of the holes. I looked at it, lying there, the solid four dimensional shadow of the mouthparts of a superdimensional energy-sucking death worm, pinned down by the eldritch powers of six bricks and a traffic cone, and I thought...

Maybe I should do a blog about how the world is in danger from a massive attack of the sheets.

And then I thought...

Nah.

I think PJ should draw this up. Folklore Thursday? How about a Thursday Shark Tale!

THIS!  :D
But everybody else is overwhelmed by indifference and the promise of an early bed

The Legendary Shark

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Re: Threadjacking!
« Reply #6888 on: 11 February, 2020, 05:22:40 PM »

Heh. If PJ fancies it, I'd humbly honoured and happy to work it up into a script for a 12 part graphic novel series...

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Dandontdare

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Re: Threadjacking!
« Reply #6889 on: 12 February, 2020, 03:04:40 PM »
A limerick:

12 + 144 + 20 + 3√4  + (5 x 11) = 92 + 0
               7




Waddya mean you don't get it? It's clearly:

A dozen a gross and a score
plus three times the square root of four
Divided by seven
plus five times eleven
is nine squared and not a bit more.

JamesC

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Re: Threadjacking!
« Reply #6890 on: 12 February, 2020, 03:37:07 PM »
There was a young lady named Alice
Who used dynamite sticks as a phallace
they found her vagina
in North Carolina
And bits of her tits down in Dallas



This is more my speed. :lol:

von Boom

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Re: Threadjacking!
« Reply #6891 on: 12 February, 2020, 04:13:17 PM »
A limerick:

12 + 144 + 20 + 3√4  + (5 x 11) = 92 + 0
               7




Waddya mean you don't get it? It's clearly:

A dozen a gross and a score
plus three times the square root of four
Divided by seven
plus five times eleven
is nine squared and not a bit more.
Consider this nicked.

The Legendary Shark

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Re: Threadjacking!
« Reply #6892 on: 12 February, 2020, 04:49:32 PM »
There was a young lady named Alice
Who used dynamite sticks as a phallace
they found her vagina
in North Carolina
And bits of her tits down in Dallas



This is more my speed. :lol:

Ha. I heard that on Radio 4, believe it or not.

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Dandontdare

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Re: Threadjacking!
« Reply #6893 on: 12 February, 2020, 06:15:30 PM »
Consider this nicked.

Steal away, I nicked it off Imgur!

I only signed up to Imgur after Photobucket got arsey about free links, and now I'm fucking addicted to short videos of cats and dogs being cute, kids and drunken idiots hurting themselves, and endless pop culture memes.

JayzusB.Christ

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Re: Threadjacking!
« Reply #6894 on: 12 February, 2020, 06:37:05 PM »
A limerick:

12 + 144 + 20 + 3√4  + (5 x 11) = 92 + 0
               7




Waddya mean you don't get it? It's clearly:

A dozen a gross and a score
plus three times the square root of four
Divided by seven
plus five times eleven
is nine squared and not a bit more.
Consider this nicked.

Fantastic!

One I remember from school:

There was a young lady from Bude
Who went for a swim in a lake.
A bloke in a punt
Stuck a pole up her nose,
And said 'You can't swim here, it's private'.
“Men will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest”

Funt Solo

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Re: Threadjacking!
« Reply #6895 on: 12 February, 2020, 06:53:46 PM »
There are a few variations on this one:

There was a young man from Dundee
Got stung on the leg by a wasp
When asked does it hurt
He said ‘Yes it does.
‘I’m so glad it wasn’t a hornet.


As discussed by Mark Forsyth in his fantastic article The language rules we Know, but don't know we know.
Frank would know.

JamesC

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Re: Threadjacking!
« Reply #6896 on: 12 February, 2020, 06:54:19 PM »
There was a young man from Calcutta,
Who had the most terrible stutter,
He said 'pass the j jam
And the h h h ham
And the b b b b b b butter'.

TordelBack

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Re: Threadjacking!
« Reply #6897 on: 12 February, 2020, 07:13:45 PM »
There was a young lady named Alice
Who used dynamite sticks as a phallace
they found her vagina
in North Carolina
And bits of her tits down in Dallas



This is more my speed. :lol:

Ha. I heard that on Radio 4, believe it or not.

I heard it on The Crown. Harold Wilson was reporting to Lizzie that Princess Margaret had told it to LBJ. Popular rhyme!

The Legendary Shark

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Re: Threadjacking!
« Reply #6898 on: 12 February, 2020, 08:13:02 PM »

There was a young man from Bengal,
Who used to do tricks in the Hall,
His most famous trick,
Was to stand on his dick,
And spin 'round and 'round on one ball.

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JayzusB.Christ

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Re: Threadjacking!
« Reply #6899 on: 14 February, 2020, 11:07:44 AM »
So it turns out my brother works with Alistair Fruish, who is  very good friend of Alan Moore.  Yesterday I painted a mural in the prison where the brother and Fruish sometimes work.  My next plan is to wangle a meeting with the Great Beard.
“Men will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest”