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Author Topic: Squaxx Telling Jokes  (Read 6874 times)

Jim_Campbell

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #120 on: 29 March, 2017, 08:44:53 am »
Not a joke, but a story that amused me.

A few years ago, a friend of mine went to the cinema. When he attempted to get some popcorn, he was told that they'd sold out. When he expressed incredulity that a cinema would run out of such a basic commodity, the woman behind the counter responded with a completely straight face: "Yeah. We're running short. There was a fire at the popcorn factory."*


*I googled it. There was!
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Smith

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #121 on: 30 March, 2017, 02:14:31 pm »
How do you know if a politician is lying?
His lips are moving.

Woolly

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #122 on: 30 March, 2017, 06:11:54 pm »
Whats the difference between virgin olive oil, and regular olive oil?
Popeye's cock.

Tjm86

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #123 on: 04 April, 2017, 06:57:58 pm »
What do you call a thousand lawyers at the bottom of the English Channel?

A poor start.

Tjm86

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #124 on: 04 April, 2017, 06:58:51 pm »
and ...

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A fish.

von Boom

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #125 on: 04 April, 2017, 07:11:44 pm »
What dae ye call a guy wae paper troosers?

Russel.
Leaving the bag in the mug is 18 months in the cubes creep.

shaolin_monkey

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #126 on: 05 April, 2017, 07:57:18 am »

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idea

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no genitals?
Still no fucking idea

The Legendary Shark

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #127 on: 05 April, 2017, 11:36:19 am »
A guy with a salmon under his arm walks into a fishmonger's shop and asks, "Do you make fishcakes?"

"Of course," says the fishmonger.

"Excellent," says the guy, "it's his birthday!"

Smith

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #128 on: 05 April, 2017, 11:41:50 am »
Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.One of them said, "I'm the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's President of the United States!"

The Legendary Shark

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #129 on: 05 April, 2017, 11:54:05 am »
What a weekend I had! I broke my record for continuous sex; 1 hour and 2 minutes.

Then I realised the clocks had gone forward.

The Legendary Shark

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #130 on: 05 April, 2017, 12:32:24 pm »
I was at the baths today and decided to have a sneaky pee in the deep end.

The life-guard must have noticed though - he blew his whistle so loud I nearly fell in.

The Legendary Shark

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #131 on: 16 April, 2017, 12:55:59 pm »
Definition from BBC Radio 4's brilliant  I'm Sorry, I Haven't a Clue:

Countryside - the murder of Piers Morgan.

Colin YNWA

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #132 on: 16 April, 2017, 04:50:48 pm »
Definition from BBC Radio 4's brilliant  I'm Sorry, I Haven't a Clue:

Countryside - the murder of Piers Morgan.

Do like that show at the best of times but that is particularly funny!

The Legendary Shark

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #133 on: 16 April, 2017, 05:27:08 pm »
'Twas delivered by Stephen Fry to wild applause, the audience still reeling from his cryogenic - being photographed and coming out looking like Barry.

I do so love that programme - the loss of Humph was hard to bear. Jack does a good job but HL is still the king.

Mister Pops

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #134 on: 02 May, 2017, 12:14:35 am »
Why can't you get a pint in North Korea?

They only serve the supreme litre
You may quote me on that.