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Author Topic: Squaxx Telling Jokes  (Read 32166 times)

Dandontdare

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #300 on: 07 December, 2018, 09:17:22 pm »


My friend asked me how I sneak snacks into the cinema. I just winked and said, "Oh, I have a few Twix up my sleeve."

ooo, good one - that's got to be a Tim Vine, a comedian I love, but feel sorry for: he spends months crafting a show with hundreds of one-liners, embarks on a 30 day tour and gig #1 is a triumph. By gig #2, all his best lines have been retweeted and gone viral, and by gig #30, the audience are sitting there thinking "I've heard that.And this is the man responsible for:

Exit signs? They're on the way out!

Black Beauty? Now there's a dark horse!

Velcro? What a rip-off!

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

Eric Bristow asked me why I put superglue on one of his darts. I said you just can't let it go can you?

I saw this advert in a window that said: “Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.” I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again

Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes

So I said to a Scottsman 'did you have terrible spots as a kid?' He said 'ac ne'

Do you ever get that when you're half way through eating a horse and you think to yourself, 'I'm not as hungry as I thought I was'

.

The Legendary Shark

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #301 on: 07 December, 2018, 11:49:03 pm »

Ha, brilliant!


von Boom

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #302 on: 18 December, 2018, 05:40:16 pm »
Where does a snowman keep his money?

In a snowbank.

Smith

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #303 on: 19 December, 2018, 10:13:24 am »
Me,15 years ago: I Will never be like my dad.
Me,today: What,you think Im made of money?

von Boom

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #304 on: 19 December, 2018, 04:06:16 pm »
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, but I have no idea how they get in there.

shaolin_monkey

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #305 on: 20 December, 2018, 01:11:47 am »
What’s Bethovens fifth favourite fruit?

Ba-na-na-naaa


My girlfriend wanted to dump me because of my love of the Transformers.

I said ‘No, please don’t, I can change!’



What’s the difference between a smartly dressed person on a bike, and a scruffy person on a trike?

A tire.



‘Orion’s Belt is a waist of space.’

Poor joke - only three stars.


Mister Pops

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #306 on: 25 December, 2018, 10:00:42 am »
What's the rudest kind of elf?

The gofuckyers elf
You may quote me on that.

The Enigmatic Dr X

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #307 on: 26 December, 2018, 11:44:49 pm »
Chap goes to the doctor complaining of being deaf.

Doc asks, "What are the symptoms?"

Chap replies, "Well Homer is bald and fat, Marge has blue hair and they have three kids."
Lock up your spoons!

Tjm86

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #308 on: 27 December, 2018, 12:52:00 pm »
Donald Trump is president of the US and Theresa May is prime minister of the UK.

The Legendary Shark

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #309 on: 30 December, 2018, 10:27:29 am »

One of my 1980s Ska CDs has got stuck in my stereo and I can't switch it off.

When will this Madness end?


The Legendary Shark

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #310 on: 30 December, 2018, 10:31:30 am »

I got a limited edition bottle of Tippex for Christmas. It's a correctors' item.


Andy Lambert

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #311 on: 31 December, 2018, 12:38:51 am »
Did you hear about the blind circumcisor?

He got the sack.

Tjm86

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #312 on: 31 December, 2018, 09:34:21 am »
Gnnnn!   :o