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Author Topic: Squaxx Telling Jokes  (Read 56362 times)

paddykafka

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #375 on: 19 October, 2019, 12:32:51 PM »
Far be it for me to try and interpret cymbals but what I’ve read so far chimes with many of the fiddles that your average lyre might try to attempt.

I’m not blowing my own trumpet or looking for gongs.

But the repercussions of this latest rattle will, I fear, leave me stranded in the Bermuda Triangle, with only Tom-Tom and his Zither for company.

sheridan

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #376 on: 05 February, 2020, 10:59:57 PM »
A man is at the funeral of an old friend.  He tentatively approaches the deceased's wife and asks whether he can say a word. The widow nods. The man clears his throat and says, "Plethora."  The widow smiles appreciatively. "Thank you," she says. "That means a lot."

Another man comes up and says: "Mind if I say a word too?" She says: "Please do." The man clears his throat and says: "Bargain." The widow replies: "Thanks, that means a great deal."

Another man comes up and asks for the same privilege. The widow thanks him, saying that would be very nice. The man clears his throat and says: "Earth." The widow replies, "Thank you, that means the world."

Another man comes up and asks if he could say a couple words. The widow thanks him, saying that would be very nice. The man clears his throat and says: "Being alive." The widow replies, "Thank you, he would have liked that."

Another man comes up and asks if he could say a word. The widow thanks him, saying that would be very nice. The man clears his throat and says: "Infinity" . The widow replies, "Thank you, that means more than you could possibly imagine."

Another man comes up and asks if he could say a word. The widow thanks him, saying that would be very nice. The man clears his throat and says: "Fhqwhgads". The widow replies: "Thanks, you don't know what that means."

Another man comes up and says: “Mind if I say a few words too?” She says: “Please do.” The man clears his throat and says: “The Mariana Trench.” The widow replies: “Thanks, that’s really deep.”

Another man comes up and says: "Mind if I say a few words too?" She says: "Please do." The man clears his throat and says: "water pit". The widow replies: "Thanks, I know you mean well."

Another man approaches the widow and says: “I’m truly sorry for your loss, he was a great man.” The widow replies: “I’m not sure you understand what’s happening here.”

Dandontdare

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #377 on: 06 February, 2020, 12:58:08 AM »
A woman is sitting at her deceased husband's funeral. A man leans in and says "do you mind if I say a word?"
The woman says "No, go right ahead".
He stands up, clears his throat and says "Plethora", then sits back down.
"Thank you," says the widow, "that means a lot."

somebody has overthought that joke since it did the rounds last year!

I do like a good riff on a theme though. Fhqwhgads is my fave
« Last Edit: 06 February, 2020, 01:04:40 AM by Dandontdare »

Tiplodocus

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #378 on: 06 February, 2020, 09:47:09 AM »
Haha! Those are great.
Be excellent to each other. And party on!

von Boom

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #379 on: 25 February, 2020, 04:50:12 PM »
Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows?

They're making headlines everywhere.

von Boom

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #380 on: 25 February, 2020, 06:15:32 PM »
Did you know that a piranha can devour a child down to the bone in less than 45 seconds?

Anyway, I lost my job at the aquarium today

paddykafka

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #381 on: 25 February, 2020, 07:30:23 PM »
I used to work as the manager of a hotel. One day, I threw out an entire Chess club, as I could not stand the sound of Chess Nuts boasting in the open foyer.

Funt Solo

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #382 on: 02 April, 2020, 05:20:07 PM »
Here's one from the 1990 Winter Special, by Jim McCarthy:

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Kylie.
Kylie who?
That's show business.


++ logos ++ stages ++ coma ++

The Doctor Alt 8

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #383 on: 23 June, 2020, 11:01:49 PM »

Apologies if this joke has been told somewhere before....

A nasty little child deliberately killed a butterfly ... the father spots this and yells. "You horrible child! Just for that... no butter for two weeks. Learn to respect nature!"

A few weeks latter, the same child goes out of it's way to deliberately kills a honeybee... the father spots this and yells. "You horrible child! Just for that... No honey for two weeks. Learn to respect nature!"

Later that day the family is gathered in the kitchen when the wife yells "EWW!" and squashes a cockroach.

The child turns to their father and asks "Are you going to tell her... or shall I?"


Dandontdare

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #384 on: 13 August, 2020, 08:11:04 AM »
A priest, an iman and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The rabbit says "I think I might be a type O"

Bolt-01

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #385 on: 13 August, 2020, 08:47:57 AM »
Took a couple of seconds there but bravo!

Tjm86

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #386 on: 13 August, 2020, 04:30:59 PM »
Two blondes walk into a bar.  Even though there was a massive sign saying "Danger, Low Bar!"

paddykafka

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #387 on: 13 August, 2020, 05:20:24 PM »
A Brunette, a Redhead and a Blonde are at a job interview.

The Brunette is called in first and asked all the usual questions to determine if she was was suitable for the job. She gives an excellent account of herself and answers all questions correctly. The last question that the prospective boss asks her is: "How many Dee's are there in Indiana Jones?"

The Brunette correctly replies "One", at which point the boss thanks her and assures her that the company will be in touch soon to let her know if she has gotten the job.

Next in is the redhead. The interview goes precisely as the first one did, and once again she correctly answers to the last question that there is just one Dee in "Indiana Jones". The boss also thanks her and lets her know that the company will be in touch in due course.

Last in is the blonde. She makes an absolute hames of the interview and gives the wrong answers to virtually every question. But for whatever reason, the boss still asks her at the end of the interview: "How many Dee's are there in Indiana Jones?"

"Sixteen," replies the blonde, fairly brimming with confidence.

Somewhat taken aback, the boss asks the blonde how she comes to that conclusion.

The blonde replies in a sing-song voice: "Dee Dee Dee Dee, Dee Dee Dee, Dee Dee Dee Dee, Dee Dee Dee Dee Dee..."

von Boom

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #388 on: 14 August, 2020, 05:05:20 PM »
I went to the doctor with a hearing problem. He said "can you describe the symptoms"? I said ,"Homer's a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair."

Dandontdare

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #389 on: 14 August, 2020, 07:39:36 PM »
I went to the doctor with a hearing problem. He said "can you describe the symptoms"? I said ,"Homer's a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair."

As someone who has to routinely ask that question, I’ve had that response twice in recent months!