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Author Topic: The Letters Beast - Online!  (Read 20515 times)

Buttonman

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Re: The Letters Beast - Online!
« Reply #120 on: 13 July, 2020, 06:05:24 PM »
Bah looks like it. Still counts!

Buttonman

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Re: The Letters Beast - Online!
« Reply #121 on: 02 August, 2020, 10:01:35 AM »

Holy Cremola Foam, we’re back a scant few weeks after our last outing. Furloughed staff have been reactivated at Beast Towers and efforts to fiddle Government subsidies have been curtailed for the five minutes this nonsense takes to bash out.

A full page, 5 letter, inside back cover is the reward for our patience this week in Prog 2193, and what delights it offers. A couple of newbies and two moves on the all time leader board - excitement she wrote.

We open with Stephen Parry of Birmingham who celebrates his third printed offering following two 2016 efforts in Progs 1976 and 2011. He has a bit to go to match Nigel or ‘Na’ Parry, as he was sometimes known, from Burton on Trent who presently has the Parry Pole at 8. He was last seen in the 'Letter of the Week’ berth in Prog 2124 in 2019. **Shock Stat** No Parry has ever had a Dreddlines letter published in the Megazine.

Stephen (it’s a good name)  secures Letter of the Week laurels with his offering headed ‘Years Gone Bye’ which we’re pretty sure is a ‘Walking Dead’ homage/rip off. Stephen does a lot of thinking - three times in the first two paragraphs. He resurrects the decades old ‘What will 2000ad be called in the year 2000?' debate and thanks Tharg for keeping his numbering consistent. He doesn’t mention the year end Progs which are plain confusing in our filing systems, but generally, he‘s a happy camper.

Next up, and barely making the minimum word count, is George Kaplan of Berks. George makes a brief speculative comment about ‘The Out‘ which Tharg doesn‘t dismiss. This is George’s first offering and hopefully he can make it to 30 words next time around. There has been one previous ‘Kaplan’ in the shape of Andrew from USA whom we met in Meg 222 in 2004. There have been 17 ‘George’ letters across both publications with George Elder of Lanark in the lead on 2, the last being in Prog 1609 in 2008. Remember him for later on as there is a writer called ‘Senior’ and we make a poor joke about who is the Senior/Elder of the two.

For the 3rd Time in 2020 we get to roll out our ‘Browning Version’ gag as Chris Browning of Todmorden nets his 15th score overall. This moves Chris up the all time leader board to 15 strikes and 22nd= overall. Chris is in the vanguard of new or at least recent letter writers with his oldest offering being in Prog 1961.

Chris’ winning formula is clear - he loves everything - even ‘The Order’ which he describes as “mad” - well something is around here. He points out how reader favourite Abnett is practically writing the Prog these days and he’s also enjoying Dredd’s take on the Rogue Trooper ‘The Hit’ story line.

Longest letter of the week goes to the writer with the longest letter writing shadow on the page, Michael Crouch of Naughty Norwich. Crouchy is seen here for the 30th time, in his first appearance since Meg 404 (an error shurley) in 2019. Michael was first seen in Prog 521 with his seminal drawing of ‘Thatch the Warlock and Ronnydonk’. He also drew ‘The Dead Tharg’ in Prog 670 and his latest offering moves him up the leader board into 5th=, breaking his tie with Alan Holloway and Linton Porteous. Next in his sights is Steve Frame on 31.

Michael’s letter is another gusher with everything getting a thumbs up including all of the spin off publications. Quite right too - we buy it because we like it. He could perhaps rank things and say that whilst Dredd is great, Hershey is also great abut maybe slightly less great. Still we’re teaching Granny to suck eggs here, you don’t get 30 Beast hits by not knowing a winning formula.

Last up is the senior writer on the page, Tom Senior of Bath. Given he’s a senior I hope it’s one of those walk in baths! With Tom and George Elder mentioned above there is more than a whiff of Werther’s Originals about today. At least I hope that’s what it is. This is Tom’s first letter and the fifth single to come from the ‘Senior’ clan. The Senior Senior is Mark who had a drawing of ‘Krane’ published waaay back in Prog 13 in 1977. Tom is the first Senior to find his way to the letterbox since Andy in Prog 993 in 1996.

Tom has taken up drawing during lock down and would like to have a story printed too. You can almost hear Tharg groan as he laments his ever growing slush pile - just stop at ‘Plan : Hit Earth’ oh verdant one!

Overall a positive page of fan letters with each pointing out what is great in the Prog. We’re fine with that in these troubled times, although a bit of balance is always welcome too.

Let's finish up with a newly updated Beast top 30...


« Last Edit: 02 August, 2020, 10:06:41 AM by Buttonman »

Richard

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Re: The Letters Beast - Online!
« Reply #122 on: 02 August, 2020, 10:57:44 AM »
I love these! Never stop.

Buttonman

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Re: The Letters Beast - Online!
« Reply #123 on: 02 August, 2020, 11:25:11 AM »
I love these! Never stop.

A noble reaction to your hold on 5th place being challenged!

Don't worry, they will go on for as long as I can keep pocketing the meds!

Buttonman

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Re: The Letters Beast - Online!
« Reply #124 on: 01 September, 2020, 09:53:16 PM »

And we’re back and it’s with almost indecent haste, barely a month since the last letters event. Our read count last time was dramatically down, so in the tradition of ‘Can’t Beat ‘Em, Join ‘Em’ we proudly present the Lettersentertainyou

BATTLE OF THE LETTERS

Yes, in a totally original format we are going to decide, once and for all, what is the best letter. We’ve all enjoyed the preliminaries, but we are down to the pure breeds now. The Beast random number generator has come up with the following pairings:

Letter from Grandma Vs. Overdue gas bill
Graphic Novel from Tharg Vs. Confirmation of your sex offender registration number
Reader’s Digest notice that you have won a prize Vs. Laithwaites wine catalogue
Love letter from that girl you still think about from School Vs. Hospital test results

Excitement she wrote.

Before we get to the main event we better have a look at the three letters printed in Prog 2197. Only three, but they are long ones. Maybe edit down the twaddle and get five in? We have it on good authority that Tharg had at least another 3 letters in his inbox, but we digress.

First up, in the Letter of the Week slot, is debut writer Neil Scott of Glasgow. We don’t know Neil, but have probably crossed paths in Forbidden Planet or at that Convention where we were too scared to say ‘hello’ to Carlos. And then he died. Never have regrets kids - badger that creator, because they won’t always be there. Neil has no letters history of his own but his two names are shared by two celebrated Scottish Scribes. Neil Colquhoun of Edinburgh who sits on 16 Beast entries and Scott Ferguson of East Kilbride who has 24. Both lag behind some other Cal-Habber.

Neil’s letter is a right old ramble but none the worse for that. It starts off in Schoolboy fashion with “Your mighty organ” mentioned twice in the first two sentences. He also goes on about ‘erections’ and  his ‘difficulty to rise’. To be honest we were losing the will to read further as it was looking like a column and a half of smutty innuendo. Then there is a tonal shift and the remainder is a heartfelt love letter to Tharg, charting his positive Prog experiences. You could say it was a bit disjointed and jarring. Just like I did there.

The Quarter Finals

The votes are in and Letter from Grandma kicked Overdue gas bill into the long grass. Although not actually read all the way through, the £5 Boots gift token sealed the win for the pensioner.

Graphic Novel from Tharg was a strong favourite but it lost out to Confirmation of your sex offender registration number when it was found to be an IDW offering.

Reader’s Digest notice that you have won a prize knocked out Laithwaites wine catalogue in a close run thing, but that offer to join a £1m raffle for free if you buy a £29.99 book on the History of Armchairs was just too tempting.

Love letter from that girl you still think about from School won against Hospital test results but withdrew from the competition when it learned that the test results were positive for a nasty yeast infection. Of the balls.

The semi finals look like this:

Letter from Grandma Vs. Hospital test results

Confirmation of your sex offender registration number Vs. Reader’s Digest notice that you have won a prize

Letter two was from ‘Samuel’ L. Jackson of Aylesbury. We know his full first name is ‘Lewis’ as he wasn’t so embarrassed about it when he was first published in Prog 2153 in 2019 when he gained the Letter of the Week laurels. These two hits place him just one behind all time ‘Action’ Jackson, Ed of Sheffield who was last seen in Prog 1350 in 2003.

Lewis, sorry L., runs through the Prog, liking most stuff before showing off his Billy bookcase full of Tharg tat. This man is barking up the wrong tree if he thinks this audience will be impressed by that offering - he doesn’t even have matching custom spines for goodness sakes.

The Semi Finals

Letter from Grandma won against Hospital test results but alas the results were Grandma’s and told her she had ten minutes to live, so it’s Hospital test results who proceed to the final where they’ll meet…

Confirmation of your sex offender registration number which trumped Reader’s Digest notice that you have won a prize when the £1m prize was found to be an instalment plan that paid £1 a year for a million years. Confirmation of your sex offender registration number also gained points when the number was found to be the same as that young women’s finishing school up the road.

The Grand Final Looms:

Hospital test results Vs.  Confirmation of your sex offender registration number

But first letter three from veteran scribe Luke Williams who nears his own Beast identifier code with this, his 9th offering. Luke did toy with calling himself ‘Lucas’ when he appeared in Meg 377 but has wisely reverted to ‘Luke’ for all his other offerings. He lives in Llanelli…sorry, just wipe down my screen there, and his last offering was in Prog 2030 when he submitted a photo of a Japanese Mechanismo robot.

Luke may also go under the guise of ‘Mrs Dan Abnett’ as he can’t talk any higher about the cherished droid. He lists all of Abnett’s recent hits, but it falls to Tharg to mention the never popular ‘Sinister Dexter’ (unless you are Neil Scott from letter 1).

The Grand Final
A mood of anticipation gets Hospital Tests results over the line for a famous win. But alas, the news is bad. In fact, terminal. Any last words? Na.

« Last Edit: 01 September, 2020, 09:58:38 PM by Buttonman »

Colin YNWA

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Re: The Letters Beast - Online!
« Reply #125 on: 01 September, 2020, 10:16:53 PM »
I mean its good, it very good. But you need to open this out as a vote for everyone. I can see it working!
« Last Edit: 01 September, 2020, 10:19:40 PM by Colin YNWA »

Colin YNWA

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Re: The Letters Beast - Online!
« Reply #126 on: 01 September, 2020, 10:20:26 PM »
I mean its good, it very good. But you need to open this out as a vote for everyone. I can see it working!

Mind I say good but I bet you don't need a spreadsheet for this... what.. the what...

..Beast???...

Oh I see...

Buttonman

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Re: The Letters Beast - Online!
« Reply #127 on: 02 September, 2020, 08:50:32 AM »
Cheers Colin - I'm afraid one Beastly MS database is the extent of my powers!