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Author Topic: Adverts in 2000ad  (Read 1244 times)

Frank

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Adverts in 2000ad
« on: 28 July, 2019, 12:06:33 pm »

Do you remember the point in the early nineties when reader numbers fell so precipitously that ads for Coke and Barclays disappeared and were replaced by classified ads that made the Galaxy's Greatest look like the back pages of The Daily Mail?







Thanks to the efforts of Julius Howe, you can finally discover the secrets of The Warrior Mindset that allowed Paul Wellard - his real name - to survive the mean streets of Jersey and his Bruce Wayne-style extensive travels in the Orient:

https://vdocuments.site/paulwellard-thesecretsofstreetself-defence-570ea5a775f75.html

Who can say why offshore tax shelters were so attractive to those purchasing ads in increasingly unpopular nerd periodicals of the glasnost era, but I'm sure the Isle of Man residents sharing their secrets of BUILDING MUSCLE FAST weren't just selling vulnerable mummy's boys whey powder cut with Polyfilla and gonad shrinking pills that preserved their virginity in aspic forever.


From prog 889, May 1994

Steve Green

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Re: Adverts in 2000ad
« Reply #1 on: 28 July, 2019, 02:50:48 pm »
I hope Wellard changed careers and became a German Shepherd.

The Enigmatic Dr X

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Re: Adverts in 2000ad
« Reply #2 on: 28 July, 2019, 03:42:50 pm »
Is that real? I have no recollection of such ads whatsoever, and own and read every prog from the 90s.
Lock up your spoons!

Frank

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Re: Adverts in 2000ad
« Reply #3 on: 28 July, 2019, 06:08:53 pm »
Is that real? I have no recollection of such ads whatsoever, and own and read every prog from the 90s.

I'd be surprised if Paul Wellard isn't just a stout Jam/Oasis fan who bores everyone else in the pub with tales of his active participation in dozens of fights and why we need to get out of Europe, but otherwise, yes.

The bodybuilding one sticks in my memory most because when it first appeared I remember thinking it was some kind of pisstake, like the spoof ads that ran in the first few issues of the Megazine, riffing on the old Charles Atlas one that inspired Flex Mentallo.

I only knew they weren't goofs when an indignant Tharg clutched his pearls and assured readers he had no idea what happened there, and that we had his personal guarantee nothing so grubby and downmarket would sully his distinguished periodical for quality people - dentists, solicitors, etc - again.

I've become fascinated by tracking down that first example of Tharg's fall from grace, like Vivian Leigh inviting a cabbie upstairs for a coffee, but the earliest example I've found yet is this iteration with a crude line drawing, accompanied by an invitation to call Michael ad-droid for a good time (802):




NOTE THAT, AT THIS POINT, OUR THICK-NECKED FRIEND HAS YET TO DISCOVER THE ADVANTAGES OF PRETENDING TO BE BASED IN AN OFFSHORE TAX SHELTER AND GIVES HIS ADDRESS AS A PO BOX IN TYNE & WEAR


Frank

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Re: Adverts in 2000ad
« Reply #4 on: 28 July, 2019, 06:32:36 pm »

Simon Coleby art in an ad for Midlands PWEI/NIИ adjacent hair monsters (792). Never thought to Youtube them before, never will again ...






IndigoPrime

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Re: Adverts in 2000ad
« Reply #5 on: 28 July, 2019, 07:10:10 pm »
Tharg clutched his pearls and assured readers he had no idea what happened there, and that we had his personal guarantee nothing so grubby and downmarket would sully his distinguished periodical for quality people - dentists, solicitors, etc - again.
Better than the Scientology shit in the Prog’s earlier days, mind.

JayzusB.Christ

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Re: Adverts in 2000ad
« Reply #6 on: 28 July, 2019, 08:03:59 pm »
Clint Mansell is far from a hair monster these days.

Scientology ads? For real?

I remember seeing quite a bit of these lads in the late 80s progs.
“Men will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest”

sheridan

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Re: Adverts in 2000ad
« Reply #7 on: 28 July, 2019, 08:19:01 pm »
Clint Mansell is far from a hair monster these days.

Scientology ads? For real?

I remember seeing quite a bit of these lads in the late 80s progs.



Not come across any scientology in my prog slog yet - plenty of ads for stamps and things that are a bit like frisbees and other flying toys though.

I, Cosh

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Re: Adverts in 2000ad
« Reply #8 on: 28 July, 2019, 10:00:19 pm »
Clint Mansell is far from a hair monster these days.

Scientology ads? For real?

I remember seeing quite a bit of these lads in the late 80s progs.

Aye, Alien Sex Fiend and Mega City Four seeeed to have a new record out every week.
We never really die.

IndigoPrime

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Re: Adverts in 2000ad
« Reply #9 on: 28 July, 2019, 10:55:22 pm »
Not literal 'join the church of woo-woo', but the Prog had ads a plenty for Hubbard's shitty books back in the day.

AlexF

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Re: Adverts in 2000ad
« Reply #10 on: 29 July, 2019, 12:13:00 pm »
Confession time!
I did (age 15, for all the difference that makes) send off for the Muscle Dynamics programme.
Can't remember if it was the Gateshead chapter or the Isle of Man chapter, although presumably they're the same thing.

I got a very lo-fi book back in the post, which, believe it or not, was relatively practical. It listed a number of exercises you can do in your room without needing any weights or equipment, essentially using your own body as the weight to lift. Of course paying for a book to tell you to do press-ups and sit-ups isn't exactly ground-breaking stuff. It also suggested eating well would help. But it didn't encourage me to send off more money for weights and/or protein shakes.

More salubrious were two appendices: the first telling you how to astound your friends with feats of strength. The only ones I recall were precutting the pages of a telephone directory, thus enabling you to rip it in half at an opportune moment, and a technique for exploding a hot water bottle through the power of breath that made no sense. Blow real hard! was the essence...
Appendix 2 was 'how to be a super-stud'. Charmingly, the advice was practical and simple - be confident, and be prepared to ask lots of people out, 'cos you WILL get rejected more often than not. If you do strike up conversation, actually listen to what the person is saying. It didn't mention 'bring up comics in conversation,' mind.

Needless to say, while I did follow the exercise routine for something like 3 weeks, I did not build any muscles, achieve fabulous feats of strength, or have any more luck with girls.

On the plus side, John Smith gave me Stanley from Slaughterbowl as a role model to aspire to at around this time, clearly the better man than the meathead with the bigger dinosaur.

Frank

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Re: Adverts in 2000ad
« Reply #11 on: 29 July, 2019, 08:49:46 pm »
Confession time!

Who would have thought this stupid thread would elicit such an entertaining and oddly affecting response?

Your description of the Secrets of Muscle Mystery chimes with that PDF Julius found of its self-defence equivalent - it's actually pretty practical stuff, rather than the DeNiro in This Boy's Life tirade the ad suggests.

These ads offer a visual history of 2000ad's collapse from something that appealed to all The Kids, then to older teenagers, and then to a small hardcore of nerdy outsiders:



Italia 90, isn't it? Gazza, small boys, jumpers for goalposts. Maybe you like listening to EMF and PM Dawn on your Sanyo not-a-Walkman? Then you might like not-Cola, too.




1991-1992. Your body's changing - nothing to be ashamed about there - you still like those C60 cassettes, though. Nirvana and The Prodigy now, is it? Less of you here than there were before, but you seem to have more disposable income. Maybe you've started a YTS or just got your first grant cheque. You're going to need somewhere to keep all that heavy money that's bulging in your pocket and ruining the line of your stonewash jeans.




1993 - Where the hell did everyone else go? Never mind. So, I guess you're all pretty big nerds, huh? Grab your asthma inhalers and get down to Waterstones with those book vouchers you got for Christmas.



AlexF

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Re: Adverts in 2000ad
« Reply #12 on: 30 July, 2019, 01:10:51 pm »
I was the type of nerd who was annoyed that a company dared to name itself 'Manga' but had the business model of selling 'anime'.

So few friends.

Dandontdare

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Re: Adverts in 2000ad
« Reply #13 on: 30 July, 2019, 01:13:58 pm »
I really want a Memorex Pop Clip with C60 tape!

radiator

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Re: Adverts in 2000ad
« Reply #14 on: 30 July, 2019, 05:26:51 pm »
I really want a treble treat!