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Author Topic: Here is my full future shock everyone!  (Read 3328 times)

Thread Zero

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Here is my full future shock everyone!
« on: 26 October, 2001, 11:34:26 pm »
Earth's Last Great Hope
By Scott Nestel

Page 1

Panel 1]
Wide shot. A vast spaceship, classic type, cruising through deep space cutting the vacuum apart.
NARRATOR: They said we were earth's last great hope.

2]
Interior shot of craft. A fairly small dark room. The landing bay hold, consisting of soldiers sitting in close quarters. They are marines, supplied with the latest state of the art military equipment. They are like the marines out of the film Aliens. The room should give the impression it is shaking. Artist should convey this. Marines look pensive.

3]
Close up on one marine. A fairly clean cut recruit. He is called marine 21. His number and other military insignia is displayed on his futuristic battle uniform. He is the narrator (as above in panel 1). Note: He is narrating his thoughts, not speaking them.
Marine 21: They had tried every alternative but to no avail. The enemy was too strong.

4]
Wider shot of craft approaching a large red planet. Its surface erupting like giant sun spots.

5]
Like panel 3, different angle.
Marine 21: The conflict had lasted for years. God knows how long. Vast continents, cities, souls taken by the foul interloper.

6]
Wide shot. A montage of images. A planet, maybe like earth but devastated by war. Show images of cities destroyed by alien spacecraft, children orphaned, bodies on the streets. A horrific image.
The Marine's line should be at the bottom of the panel.
Marine 21: So they our superiors, our defenders of the faith, sanctioned in their wisdom one final assault into the enemy's motherland. Us.

Page 2

1]
Medium shot. Ship is entering the planet's atmosphere, buckling under the violent cloud cover.

2]
Inside landing bay. Marines clutch their weapons. On the bay wall is am intercom device. A light is flashing green. A voice is heard:
Intercom: Planetfall 10 minutes. Prep for landing.

3]
Closer on Marine 21. Fear on his face.
Marine 21: So here we are falling to certain death. They reckon sheer numbers will turn the tide in our favour. Statistics they call it. Send enough grunts into the aliens nest and at least one is bound to succeed.

4]
Craft landing on the planet's deep dark scorched soil. A huge roar is heard as the engines power down.
Marine 21: Am I that one?

5]
Landing bay door is open. From behind, show marines leaving the bay. The intercom on the wall speaks:
Intercom: Dismount. Night procedure.

Page 3

1]
Marines including 21 marching across the uncharted terrain. There are buildings of unusual alien design in the background. The area is devoid of alien life however.
Marine 21: We follow the plan to the letter. Every contingency has been prepared, every possibility studied. The mission is absolute.

2]
Marines in a gun fight with the aliens outside an alien military base. Appearance of aliens up to artist. They should look ferocious and ugly! Dead marines cover the ground. Visuals of base up to artist.
FX( of weapons): Thadapp! Thadapp!
Marine 21: We hold their base. Minimal casualties. Fortunately for us, the enemy have left us some of their own.

3]
Inside base. An operating table. On it, is a dissected alien being studied by some military surgeons.
Marine 21: The alien's anatomy is said to be fascinating. I don't care.

4]
The marines sitting in a large room looking at a huge virtual display in front of them. On the screen is a detailed map of/and infrastructure of the aliens nest. Standing next to the screen is a superior officer in different attire. He is pointing to the screen, debriefing the soldiers.
Marine 21: Our superiors expect, no demand success. That is why we are here. To die for our world. You cannot afford sanctimony.

5]
Marines inside the aliens nest. Appearance of nest up to artist. Yet it should look both horrific and futuristic.
Marine 21: And so the final assault begins.

6]
Close up on an alien eye in the shadows.

Page 4

1]
Aliens attack the marines.
A marine: Incoming enemy. Return fire!

2 and 3]
These two panel show the brutal fire fight against the aliens. Both alien and human are killed.
FX of Weapons: Thadapp! Thadapp!
Marines: Arrrgh!
Aliens: Raaachk!
Marine 21: This is hell. This is my world.

4]
Wide shot. All the marines and aliens are dead. A bloody scene.

5]
Similar shot to 4 but closer. On marine 21, his eyes open. He is still alive.
Marine 21: See it's all to do with statistics.

6]
Marine 21 stands near to a long glass covered chamber. He is cut on the face and he has wounds to his body. He is holding a small black globe in his hand. Inside the chamber is a hideous worm like creature. It is in gestation.
Marine 21: This is how it ends. My life for my planet. Buy hey, don't mourn my passing. I've seen enough grieving for the dead to last me a lifetime.

Page 5

1]
Close up of marine placing globe to the glass chamber. It sticks to the glass. On the globe, the words - Nuclear Armament Class D. Next to the globe is a small white card attached to the glass with cellotape.

2]
Marine 21 takes hold of the card.
Marine 21 (thinking): What's this?

3]
Close up on card. It reads-
From Nest Mother,
Sorry but I had to pop out for a few days. Visit the relatives, you know. Haven't seen them in ages. And you know what they are like.

4]
Close up on Marine 21, incredulous.
Marine 21: Eh?

5]
Close on letter again. It carries on from previous line.
Oh yes, before I forget...don't forget to feed the cat.

6]
Close up on a whimpering white cat rubbing itself against the marine's leg.
Cat: Meeaaaww!


The End!








Thread Zero

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here is another future shock for you!
« Reply #1 on: 26 October, 2001, 11:39:52 pm »
WELCOME TO THE FUTURE.
By Scott Nestel
Page1
1]
Scene is a vast arena or conference hall, full to capacity with the world’s press. On a stage, sit a small delegation of five studious men. Next to them is a large white machine with the words TIME INC at the top. Above the machine - a huge clock but numbered from one minute to ten minutes.
2]
Close up on a male tv reporter with microphone in hand, talking to us. Behind him the large audience.
REPORTER
Welcome to the world’s first time travel experiment. Behind me, the world’s press, distinguished guests and other dignitaries await this momentous event! And yes, I do believe the presentation is about to begin!
3]
The man at the end of the delegation gets out of his chair to a photographic melee. The crowd cheer. Flashlights pop. Man is at central dais on stage. Close up. He is a professor, aged about 55 grey haired and absent minded looking.
PROFESSOR
Thank you ladies and gentlemen. Today, Time Travel Inc is proud to reveal the world’s first fully patented time machine.
4]
Shot of audience applauding.
FX: CLAP. CLAP. CLAP.
5]
Closer on Professor. Show enthusiasm on his face.
PROFESSOR
But who better to reveal all, but my invaluable assistant, who will be our eyes of the future, as it were - Bartholomew Sparrows.
Page 2
1]
A younger man gets up from his chair and greets his superior. Similar shot to above.
BARTHOLOMEW
Thank you professor! (in prophetic fashion) It is with great pleasure that I, Bartholomew Sparrows venture into the great unknown. We stand, all of us on the cusp of something truly momentous. Time itself will no longer be the master of all it surveys.
2]
Closer.
BARTHOLOMEW
Mankind shall for the first time hold destiny in his hand!
3]
As Bartholomew enters the time machine, close up in foreground on the professor.
PROFESSOR
It is important to stress that this inaugural flight will last no longer than ten minutes. The craft will leave the hall and reappear in exactly ten minutes time, in this very spot! The clock above shall be our reference.
4]
Close up on reporter.
REPORTER
And so the countdown begins. What does the future hold? Only time will tell!
5]
Close up on Bartholomew in cockpit chair. Around him all sort of levers, dial etc. The countdown can be heard.
COUNTDOWN VOICE
Ten...nine...eight
Page3
1[
Shot of audience.
COUNTDOWN VOICE
Seven...six...five
2]
Close on professpr in an excited mood.
COUNTDOWN VOICE
Four..three...two
3]
Shot of stage. At the count of one, the craft disappears in a ball of fantastic light. Crowd are in awe, slightly perturbed.
COUNTDOWN VOICE
One!
4]
Show large clock, its hand has moved to the one minute mark.
5]
As above. The hand is now on the ten minute mark.
REPORTER (INSERT)
The ten minutes have passed but sadly the machine has not returned. The audience fears the worst.
Page4
1]
Heading says: One hour later.
Close on audience agitated almost angry. Impatient. On three journalists.
JOURNALISTS
What a farce! Let’s go! Just a cheap publicity stunt!


2]
Wide shot of conference hall empty, save for the empty chairs, stale cigarette smoke and one heartbroken man sitting in his chair. The professor. He rubs his fingers around the rim of a glass of whisky. A janitor is the distance is sweeping up.
3]
Closer on professor.
PROFESSOR
I just don’t understand. What went wrong...
4]
The time machine returns in a flash of light.
5]
Close on professor looking up at it in surprise.
Page5
1]
The time machine opens and Bartholomew appears. The professor had his hands on Bartholomew’s shoulders as if he is trying to shaking an explanation out of him.
PROFESSOR
You’re back! Good lord man! Where have you been!
2]
Close on Bartholomew, surprised.
BARTHOLOMEW
What,eh? What’s wrong?
3]
Close on professor- his face a mixture of anger and disbelief.
PROFESSOR
What’s wrong? The presentation, the world’s press! Ten minutes I said! Where the hell have you been?


4]
On both men. The professor is pulling at Bartholomew’s shirt violently.
PROFESSOR
(furious)
What did you see!!!
5]
Close up on Bartholomew’s watch. Both hands are stuck at the twelve o’clock position. Insert Bartholomew’s voice over shot of watch.
BARTHOLOMEW (INSERT)
Oh sorry about that. You’ll never believe it. My watch stopped!
THE END.





Thread Zero

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Re: here is another future shock for you!
« Reply #2 on: 26 October, 2001, 11:41:52 pm »
If you are particularly cruel to me I will post some more here if you want.

Hee hee

scojo the sadist

Thread Zero

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Re: Here is my full future shock everyone!
« Reply #3 on: 26 October, 2001, 11:47:17 pm »
So Rebellion,

Do you like them?

Seriously, if you like them I dont mind you paying me for them to be published!!!!!!!

Who is the new boss at 2k now Andy has gone.

Put him on the phone to me!

scojo

NikolaiDante

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Analysis of Scojo's FS
« Reply #4 on: 27 October, 2001, 01:32:51 am »
Okay here's my comments on scojo's FS's

1.Earth's Last Great Hope
This is basically a re-write of Aliens with a silly ending. The ending is NOT ironic as there is absolutely no explanation for the message. I can see why mrcomicus said "You might as well have the marine turn into an orange". Sometimes an FS has a good idea but is poorly executed or the idea needs re-working, however this story isn't even based on a good idea - bin it.

2. WELCOME TO THE FUTURE.
Okay, this one's a bit better. The idea of the operation of a time machine going awry because of the operator's watch stopping IS ironic. However, there was no plausible explanation why. You need to set the seeds for the twist throughout the story. This could be promising.

In summary, if I were CyberMatt and these FS's appeared on my desk they'd be straight in the bin. Submissions need to be POLISHED and the first story was crap and the second needs work.

I think scojo you don't understand irony. It's a very difficult concept to define, you just know what it means. You can give examples of irony to someone and then they'll understand. For instance:

A whole population starves to death except one man who survives by eating fried eggs that he kept - he then dies of cholesteral poisoning.

If these two FS are examples of your finest work then give it up. Much better FS than these have bitten the dust.

I was willing to give you the benefit of the doubt until I saw some of your work. Now I have. Now I have to agree with everyone else - your writing either stinks or needs more thought and work done on it. I suggest you toddle off for six months and concentrate on improving your writing, rather than filling this message board with your egotistical rantings.

I know you're going to whinge and moan like a little child at the comments above because you CANT take criticism, but I don't care.

Please leave the room and switch off the TV so the adults can talk.

Dante the Insistent
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pauljholden

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Re: Analysis of Scojo's FS
« Reply #5 on: 27 October, 2001, 02:31:21 am »
I'd agree with all of that Dante.

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