The Black Dog Thread

[JayzusB.Christ]

I tipped over (in the last couple of years) from the desire to collect to the realization that I don't have the time, or sometimes the inclination, to do anything with the stuff I've collected. I have hard copy progs from 1 to 1683, but no time to do anything with the collection. Would it matter if I quietly skipped them and moved on with my life in other ways. Would it make a difference?

On the other hand - there's nothing set in stone that demands that there's a point to our existence beyond just being. It's not as if we get judged afterwards, or there's a points system or something. Here we are. That is all. Any other meaning is just something we're attaching ourselves. Which is also fine.

Also on the other hand - I finally got around to opening up a box of Skaven I've had sitting on a shelf for a year or so. In constructing the Plague Furnace I had a rat ogre left over - so I thought he'd look good skidding down some scree, launching into an attack. My other two rat ogres now need to be bracing this one, and also on rocky outcrops - which led to a hunt for some slate chunks, and a sort of base diorama that jigsaws together to form an imposing unit. Fun. (It's just playing with toys, really. But with an older brain.)

I've started to ideate (you-know-what) again, recently - I'm not sure what's driving that. It's a really sneaky bastard - it just sidles up to me when I'm doing something else and whispers "options, options..." and I'm all like "what the fuck brought you on?" I'm not keen to tell anyone [nearby] because I went through that a few months ago and was all like "cured now - tra la la". It feels fraudulent. Something like imposter syndrome with a side-helping of ennui and a smattering of mid-life crisis.

I may have misunderstood what you meant here, and please tell me if I have, but here's my tuppenceworth.

The 'all better now, I'll never be depressed again' thing is, according to the CBT techniques I've been trawling through for years, the same cognitive distortion that causes depression itself.

It's known in the system I use as 'All-or-nothing thinking' and works both ways.   When you're depressed, and believe me I have been, your brain fraudulently tells you that nothing will ever be good again, and indeed any good times you've had in the past were just an illusion of some sorts to cover up the constant bleakness.

When you're cured for whatever reason, the distorted thought arises again, in this case in reverse - 'I'm fine now, and it's all chips and gravy from here on in. '  Then when you inevitably relapse, instead of using whatever techniques you used the first time to get through the depression, you give up even trying.

It took me extensive written work to convince myself that life isn't complete darkness or complete light. It's a mix of his and bad, for everyone.   But life has been a little bit easier since the work I did started to seep into my thinking

[JayzusB.Christ]

*a mix of good and bad

[Funt Solo]

*a mix of good and bad

Oh, of course! I mean - it's really helpful that you spelled that out. Like, part of me knew the truth of that but it's helpful to have a reminder. For some reason, it's really obvious with my knee injury - my knee's never going to be 100% - it's never going to have the strength it once had - but I can make incremental improvements. When people seem incredulous that it still bothers me years after my surgery I think "well, duh, it's not as if I can grow another meniscus".

When it comes to mental health, it might help to think along similar lines. It's not a binary switch.

[Jade Falcon]

My Ukrainian friend was trained as a pyschiatrist (sp?), and when I mentioned last night that I was feeling vile mentally, though not physically, she said it could partially be the whole autumn thing bringing on a form of depression.  I'm also not very up on the whole so called festive season for reasons I've mentioned before.  Also, it was the end of the week, this was the first week I was on the phones without buddying, which is when someone sits with you and helps through the procedures.  I had relatively few troublesome calls, but perhaps this will improve as I get used to it.

I can't go into details of the job, but its a dual monitor setup, which is new to me, and there are so many screens have to be often, keeping track of everything, especially at first is a task in itself.

[Funt Solo]

SAD - Seasonal Affective Disorder. That reminds me that I should go out for a walk - my work is mainly on computers, and because I'm a teacher that results in lots of homework, so lots of screen time.

I can't go into details of the job, but its a dual monitor setup, which is new to me, and there are so many screens have to be often, keeping track of everything, especially at first is a task in itself.

I have a three-monitor setup, which is good for spreading stuff out, but sometimes it gets on top of me (just the baffling confusion of windows and priorities) and I can feel my agitation and anxiety start to spike. I think recognizing that I'm starting to lose control is a good thing - because then I can back off from it a little. Usually there's an additional time stressor involved as well.

Going for a walk now...

[JayzusB.Christ]

*a mix of good and bad

Oh, of course! I mean - it's really helpful that you spelled that out. Like, part of me knew the truth of that but it's helpful to have a reminder. For some reason, it's really obvious with my knee injury - my knee's never going to be 100% - it's never going to have the strength it once had - but I can make incremental improvements. When people seem incredulous that it still bothers me years after my surgery I think "well, duh, it's not as if I can grow another meniscus".

When it comes to mental health, it might help to think along similar lines. It's not a binary switch.

Right there with you - I got a knee injury in a motorbike accident a couple of years ago.  It'll never be right again but what's the worst that can happen?  I'll probably need a knee replacement sometime, but feck it, I have insurance. 

But yeah, the all-or-nothing delusion, and a delusion it certainly is, has been the cause of all my episodes of depression, and working through it all on paper has been the only thing that's worked.

[paddykafka]

I am officially in Hell!

So last Tuesday -as I suspected was inevitable - the New Landlord (NL) gave myself and the other tenants here in the house, official written notice of termination of tenancy. This, despite previously signing a contract with the Old Landlord (OL), which stipulated that the property was sold as a going concern, and that "the purchasers have been informed of your continuing tenancy in the property".  2

The same written notice was also given to the Residential Tenancies Board (RTB). It would take far too long to go into all the  paperwork involved, but suffice to say, the reason he is using is that he intends too substantially refurbish or renovate the gaff, and that, for various health & safety legislations outlined in the document, the work can not safely be carried out with the current  tenants in situ. It is expected that the work will take 4 -6 months to complete.

He, the NL, was ever so apologetic and nicey-nicey about it, saying that he would do his best to find us alternative accommodation via other estate agents etc; that he would help us out if we needed a few extra bob towards the costs of a new deposit etc. To which I felt like saying: "Go and ask me bollix!"

For starters, he has already been cited by the RTB for the illegal eviction, and withholding of a deposit, from a former tenant of another property that he also bought from the OL. He still owes the OL four and a half grand from the sale of the house I'm in, and by going back on his word to the OL, has proven himself to be an absolute and utter liar. And I'm supposed to believe a fucking word out of this amoral weasel's mouth?!

Given that then - as now - I am currently sick as a dog, and had a doctor's appointment within the next half hour, I could not bring myself to start getting into all this.

So off I go to the Doc I go. When I went in and he asked how things were, the first thing I stated was that I had just been given a notice of eviction, and so was not feeling really all that great actually. Do you think he  expressed any sort of empathy at all? Even so much as a "sorry to hear that"? Nah! Just: "So what can I do for you?"

Well, I had previously asked him for a referral to a private hospital for a medical procedure. (Which I would have to pay for myself, on account of the public health waiting list being so insanely long.) However, thanks to inaccurate and incomplete information received from said hospital, it transpired that the costs for the procedure were too much over and above what they initially quoted. So I tried a different hospital, and got a definitive quote from them that was still within my budget. All that I required was a second referral from my doc to this hospital and I could expect an appointment within a little over three weeks or so.

Pretty straightforward, you would think, eh? But no! This fucking wanker of a so-called doctor, rounded on me and started berating me, saying that he other patients to be considering, and did I think he had nothing better to be doing than sending off five referrals to other hospitals for me!?

It took every single ounce of restraint that I had, not to punch his fucking lights out on the spot. I've just been given notice of eviction, I'm extremely ill, trying desperately to get the medical help that I urgently need, and this mother-fucker of a quack is giving me a hard time?! Well, I literally snarled back at him: "I'm not asking you for FIVE referrals! I'm only asking you for the one! And it specifically states on their website, that the referral needs to come from the GP themselves!"

The miserable bastard sighed, grudgingly printed off the original referral - with a couple of handwritten corrections to the new hospital - and I gave it to his staff member to email off. (There's a good reason that my nickname for that leech is "Doctor No"!)

And then, to cap off a not so wonderful couple of days, last Thursday evening, I got severe food-poisoning - quite possibly salmonella! - that resulted in my having to call an ambulance and be brought off to hospital. (From whence I am writing my current tale of woe.) I am, at present, in a ward that includes some poor old git who sounds lie he's got a permanent death rattle going on, two women who are blabbing loudly and far too often on their phones, to say nothing of all the high beeps and bops of machinery that you would expect in such a setting. Which, for the introverted, extremely noise-sensitive recluse that I am, is little short of Hell.

Because of it being a Bank Holiday, whatever diagnosis and treatment I could receive has been delayed by two days. About the only upside is, that the the staff / docs here might be able to confirm just what is wrong with me and see about a cure.

Of course by that stage, it is entirely possible that I will have gone completely mad! I guess I'll have to see what happens first...

[JohnW]

Jesus, Paddy, but you have my sympathy.
I have no real business intruding on this thread, as my problems – thank Christ – do not include the Black Dog. Nevertheless, I can hardly be on this forum and read your post with bland silence.
So again, my sympathy.
John

[Hawkmumbler]

Christ on a lawmaster, absolutely wretched.
Let us know if any level of community of reach is required, paddy, this couldn't and shouldn't stand.

[JayzusB.Christ]

My god, that's the pits. Thoughts are with you, Paddy.

[Jade Falcon]

Jesus Paddy, dont you have the equivalent of a Citizens Advice, though in truth a lot of these bodies do seem to be essentially toothless.

As to myself...I don't know.  I want to stick this job out for experience if nothing else, but I find myself partially physically exhausted but very mentally.  Seven and a half hours of customer calls is very draining.  A large number of them are okay, balance enquiries, questions about debits etc.

However, you get the ones that are unhappy.  I'm basic customer service, I'm new, so I've been told we shouldn't try to run before we walk.  It's when you get someone that you have to say you have to transfer them to another line for example.  The time some spend arguing, they could be through to the correct place.

It's just what seems to be a rather draining job, its minimum wage, and while we're told there are prospects for training up into other departments or indeed promotion, I can't see it happening for me.

Don't get me wrong, its better than being on the dole, even with still retaining my pip.  I must be saving quite a bit on utility bills being out most of the day, though increased use of my car means more fuel.

That's another thing, I've had the VW Golf for a few years.  It's a 2006 vehicle, but low mileage, about 74k.  I've been getting a constant problem of water leakages in the floor.  If it's not one side, its the other, (or both).  While mechanically reliable, I'm rapidly loosing faith in it, and wondering if its a case of too much money with ultimately no results.  However the used car market at the moment is downright toxic with silly money for vehicles that are well over 100k miles.

When I'm home I find myself extremely unfocused and unable to concentrate.  I've been rereading the 2000ad collection and its taken me 4 or 5 nights to get through a single Robo Hunter book.

Add to that my Ukrainian friend, she lives in Kharkiv, and I told her that I worry about her with what is happening, and she said I shouldn't as she's perfectly capable of looking after herself, but I can't help it.  I find myself at times being anxious.

The doctors tried to get me to go for a colonoscopy, and I refused, I just feel I don't want to know, so they sent out a self test kit which just turns my stomach to even think about.

I know it must sound like I'm complaining about nothing.  I don't know, I'm just not feeling 'it', my happiness hasn't increased.  I'm very nervous about this job, just so worried if I screw up.

[paddykafka]

Jesus Paddy, dont you have the equivalent of a Citizens Advice, though in truth a lot of these bodies do seem to be essentially toothless.

I rang them over two weeks ago, was told that they would get back to me in a couple of days. Still haven't heard a word back from them. And because of changes made as a result of Covid *- a convenient excuse for the Board to change how the service is run - there would appear to be problems in relation to staffing, which I would assume is having an impact on the efficiency of the service. And hence why I haven't been given a call back. But hey-ho, that's par for the course in this sodding country, on so many levels.

In any event, I'm too mentally and physically fucked right now to be bothered. Just got out of hospital last night and I'm feeling lower than I can recall in years. Will give more of an update when I'm up to it.

Thanks to all you folk for your kindness and support, as ever. Hope you'll be feeling a bit better at some stage, Jade.

Cheers.

*https://www.rte.ie/news/ireland/2022/0901/1319987-citizens-information/

[Jade Falcon]

So far I've been working Monday to Friday, now this week I'm working Saturday and there's a Wednesday off.  Some might prefer the week to be split like that, but I don't know if I do.  I don't have a choice in the shift patterns anyway.

Anyway, the one day had horrendous weather, I had to get my Flu and Covid booster shot.  For some reason I had to reschedule my appointment and the municipal hall that I got my first two shots in couldn't seem to take appointments.  I was three or four months into next year.  Instead I had to go to an airport terminal, Prestwick, if anyone has heard of it.  So on a very dreich day I went out when I didn't really feel up to it.

That's another thing, I'd like to get hold of the braindead sod who decided it was a good idea to replace normal bins with wheelie bins especially in an area literally spitting distance from the sea.  We were meant to get the larger communal ones, but that never happened.

Today I've felt physically and mentally drained, I'm just anxious, and I have no bloody notion of going in tomorrow, but I know I've no choice.  I will probably be ok once in though.  The thing is that the first half of the day seems to go in fairly quickly for the most part.  The latter part drags, and the last hour seems to last forever.  Then its driving home that takes about half to three quarters of an hour on a road that is not particularly wonderful.

[Rara Avis]

Paddy you need to get onto Threshold who can advise you of your rights and open a case with the RTB asap.

[Tjm86]

Anyone heard from TJM? Hopefully he's just taking a break ..

For what it's worth, I did search death notices and obituaries for Wales, and his name doesn't seem to bring anything up. Hopefully it means that, as you say, he's just stepped back from online stuff.

Sorry for causing any consternation.  Last month or so (hell, last few years ... okay, decades ...) has not been great.  Wife has threatened to call police a couple of times because she was worried about my reactivity.  Didn't fully appreciate how bad things had gotten. 

TBH I'm still not completely clear why I descended so badly.  Possibly with trying to sort out medication (SSRI's not worked great) alongside the general background right now.  That on top of trying to move forward after redundancy, failed job searches and starting off afresh in a completely new field ... I don't know.  I never cope with change particularly well and there has been too much recently ...

Thanks for the concern though.  Right now I'm just plodding forward, despite the recent crisis.  Reading some of the crap folks are dealing with I feel like I'm being incredibly selfish since I don't think I'm dealing with anything even approaching the worst others are dealing with right now.  Just a bit of a meltdown after thirty odd years of failing to cope with BPD (or whatever it is I am dealing with ... you know medics ...)