The Black Dog Thread

[Trooper McFad]

......That is why I said that every man should find something to do, hobby, traveling, creative work, anything that would help 'em ease the pain.

I have to agree milstar during lockdown and trying not to think about the crap that was and still going on is when I really got stuck into my attempts at 2000AD model making this helped fill the gaps left from being unable to do the football coaching which takes up a lot of my time (my wife says too much).
It is escapism and a tool that works for me.

If you are able to Jade any Interest/hobby that you take up can let you escape those dark thoughts. Don't think the first thing you try is the "one" you may have to try a few things.
I hope you can find something and stay positive.

[JayzusB.Christ]

Sounds great, JBC. It really is the little things, isn't it? Camp fires are incredible - so many people come to the site and sit around them with drinks and mates. That's been going on for tens of thousands of years and it's still wonderful. If mankind had a symbol, I think the campfire would be it. Raise a tinnie to me the next time you do that, for my spirit will be with you!

I most certainly will.  It was meant to be today, but the Irish weather had other ideas.

Nope, I'm wrong - it's turned out nice again. So here I am in my ring fort, beside the campfire watching the sun go down. And drinking a beer - here's to you, Sharky.

[Jade Falcon]

If you are able to Jade any Interest/hobby that you take up can let you escape those dark thoughts. Don't think the first thing you try is the "one" you may have to try a few things.
I hope you can find something and stay positive.

That's the thing, I've tried the models, watching DVD's, reading.  I had hoped that I could go back to the bookshop but the manager has been a total pain yet any time I am in there I can see stuff that is being done wrong.  To elaborate she is manager of a standard shop and a separate bookshop.  I suspect there's some sort of personal malicious reason, but proving it...

[The Legendary Shark]

Thunderstorms here - but cheers to you too, JBC. Cheers to us all!

[Hawkmumbler]

Only just caught up Sharky. I know saying 'nothing but good vibes' doesn't help but let it be known in spite of, or indeed often because of, your caustic and alternative views of a great deal of topics I find considerable solace in your presence on this forum and hope you ride out this valley unto the next peak, good sir. You deserve nothing less.

[Jade Falcon]

Well, I got an appointment with my GP's mental health nurse, and not to sound negative, but it was a complete waste of time.  Just saying things like "You've got to focus", that's the damned point, I CAN'T 'just focus', I'm having major sleep problems and life just feels hopeless.  She says "you can change that", well gee, why didn't I think of that, I guess its just that damned easy.

Hopeless, hopeless, hopeless.

[The Legendary Shark]

I know that feeling, Jade, I truly do.

The annoying thing is that they're right, but in the wrong way. They want you to focus their way. They want you to depend on them for answers, because they think their way is the only way. It ain't.

Everybody hereabouts knows that I'm out there. I don't really give much credence to what people think of me, or to how people think I should think. It's nice to be accepted, sure, nice to be part of the gang, easy to join in with the groupthink. But feck that. I am who I am and I think what I think. And so are you.

I can't tell you what to do or who to be, that's entirely up to you. All I can tell you is what I did. I said "feck you" to the people who thought I should think like them. It cost me everything I owned, more or less. It cost me friends and family. It cost me security and my home. It cost me money. It cost me all the sh*t that doesn't mean much. But it saved my soul.

I said feck you to the people who thought I should jump through hoops to claim benefits. That cost me my home and my government income. It cost me my stuff - my hundreds of books, my entire collection of 2000AD from 1977 to 2015, all my graphic novels, my telly and dvd collection, my 'fridge, my bed, my clothes, my bath (oh! How I miss my bath!) and even many of my friends. Saying no, I will not depend on your good graces any more cost me everything. It was the hardest thing I have ever done and I wouldn't recommend anyone do the same thing because it's terrifying. Truly terrifying. And hard. So very, very hard. For me, though, it was worth it.

Now I live in a shed with a Jack Russell and some spiders. I work too hard for too little. But that's the price I pay to be free of those who would control me just because they believe it is their right to do so. I do it this way because I believe that this kind of suffering is right for me, because this kind of suffering aligns with my view of the world. I would rather be exploited than an exploiter.

I don't recommend that you do it my way. Do it your way. Pretend, if you want, to do it their way. Tell them what they want to hear. Present yourself as the hopeless peasant they believe you to be. Stroke their egos. Make them feel like they're your saviours. Be the hopeless dependent they want you to be, if that gets you what you want. They don't need to know that you're in charge - they wouldn't believe it anyway.

You are a being of infinite worth and potential.

They will never believe that, but they are wrong. So feck 'em. Screw 'em for every penny you can get, if you want. It's their system, and they believe in it, so use that against them. Feed their delusions and they'll lap it up.

Hopeless? Bullsh*t. Hope is the last thing to die.

[milstar]

Well, I got an appointment with my GP's mental health nurse, and not to sound negative, but it was a complete waste of time.  Just saying things like "You've got to focus", that's the damned point, I CAN'T 'just focus', I'm having major sleep problems and life just feels hopeless.  She says "you can change that", well gee, why didn't I think of that, I guess its just that damned easy.

Hopeless, hopeless, hopeless.

Yep... this sounds all too familiar. To me, it was "find a job". Well, I did and it didn't fix all my problems except less time for spare. Yet, when I think about it, isn't a sort of inspiring thing that you are alive? With every second that goes by, that your heart keeps beating. Like in Full Metal Jacket, when Pvt Joker says "I am in a world of shit, but I am alive". The problem with the shrinks is that they are not inside your head and are taught to mechanically say things from a psychology textbook.
You Jade, gotta find some hook to be onto. It's tough, but at least try. Perhaps you do something creative and use your life as inspiration. Like Van Gogh. Although I defo not suggest to whittle your ear in the process, but I suppose his paintings helped him to cope with life.

This Shark's post is so spot-on! To the letter.

[JayzusB.Christ]

Well, I got an appointment with my GP's mental health nurse, and not to sound negative, but it was a complete waste of time.  Just saying things like "You've got to focus", that's the damned point, I CAN'T 'just focus', I'm having major sleep problems and life just feels hopeless.  She says "you can change that", well gee, why didn't I think of that, I guess its just that damned easy.

Hopeless, hopeless, hopeless.

Well that is bollox, pure and simple.  Having gone through my fair share of therapists, I think I can safely say that this person is rubbish at her job.  I hope you told her as much - I'm certainly very quick to tell therapists these days when they're not helping.  I'm not a very confrontational person, but I made one counsellor VERY angry and defensive a few years ago, and he was sure to tell me how difficult he'd found the session.   Fair enough, mate, but I'm 60 euro down (more, counting lost work time) and you're 60 up, and you haven't even helped me for it.

[Tjm86]

Well, I got an appointment with my GP's mental health nurse, ...

That may well have been half the problem.  I foolishly agreed to something similar from our GP while waiting for various referrals to grind through the system.  It took about thirty seconds to realise that a) she was more out of her depth than Boris Johnson and b) I was better educated regarding different therapeutic approaches than she was (granted having lived longer with a mental health condition than she had full stop probably didn't help here there ...)

If you do figure out "how to focus" then please let us know.  Better yet, consider marketing it, that will solve all your money woes!  It's always great how some of these numpties trot out these platitudes. 

It's like the current 'wellbeing fad' in work.  Apparently just asking "what can I do to help" is enough to solve all your woes.  Given that the problems are largely of the inquisitors creation, they have no intention of changing tack and they are not really that serious, the best answer is generally "nothing."

I'm with Jayzus on the CBT front, of all the low-rent options out there it is the best available.  I know I've mentioned the variant, DBT (dialectical behaviour therapy) before which is an offshoot for the far more 'interesting' BPD.  The other approach that I've come across and that has some interesting aspects to is Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.

An advantage of both of these approaches over many therapeutic strategies is that they don't try to 'fix' you so much as try to help you develop a different relationship with circumstances.

Mind you, it sounds like JBC has also come across a therapist similar to one that I dealt with a number of years ago.  Her parting comment was that she had never worked with a client as difficult as me.  Not completely surprising now that I think of how utterly out of her depth she was but still, a nice parting memory ...

As for 'hopeless', worth considering that you are still posting here.  That is not the sign of someone who has given up all hope.

[JayzusB.Christ]

Her parting comment was that she had never worked with a client as difficult as me.  Not completely surprising now that I think of how utterly out of her depth she was but still, a nice parting memory ...

   

Unbelievable.  You'd have to wonder what kind of jobs these people thought they were training for, if they were hoping to avoid difficult and negative clients. That's what depression is:  it's fucking difficult, and fucking negative.  Any thoughts or opinions that the therapist doesn't like dealing with are the same ones that the patient / client has to live with, 24/7.

I started with an online CBT therapist early last year and while it was helpful, she tended to stray from technique to technique without me feeling that the main issue was being addressed.

Recently I switched to another online therapist who uses the TEAM CBT technique, which I've found more helpful - a lot of time is spent pinpointing the precise issue before any techniques are used, and the client is expected to rate and review the therapy session after it's finished, to inform the therapist of any mistakes he's made. This is an incredibly brave move on the therapist's part, imo, and a refreshing change from having to argue with a counsellor about how well they think they understand you.

So far so good anyway, still a while away from recovery but I feel I'm making progress.

[Tjm86]

Aye, I find it baffling considering how much is made of the therapeutic relationship by some writers (Rogers tops the list in that respect).

The only thing I think I can say in her defence though is that she was employed as one of these 'work related' counsellors and I think she went at it that way.  No surprise then that she was out of her depth.

Still, better than my corporal down the Falklands who asked what was wrong with me then freaked out when I actually told him!

[The Legendary Shark]

I remember, back in the Dark Days, when the caring NHS sent a couple of mental health professionals to see me. I was reluctant, however the caring NHS convinced me of the necessity for this meeting by informing me that I could either comply or lose my benefits. And so, alas, I reluctantly agreed to this meeting as being one more pointless shrink in the chain of bureaucratic healthcare.

It turned out to be two shrinks in the chain, not to let a mildly amusing pun go to waste without a fight, when a brace of them fetched up on my doorstep. The first was an older man with the air of an over-tired surgeon who's just realised his wristwatch has gone missing and a younger one in a smart, sombre suit offset by a jaunty tie.

The older one asked me what the problem was and so I told him. This transpired to be a waste of time.

"Your brain chemistry is out of balance," he said vaguely, opening his briefcase and retrieving a prescription pad.

"Which ones?" I asked.

He paused, having clicked his ballpoint in the air. "What?"

"Which chemicals?" I asked. "How will you determine this? Analysis of blood or spinal fluid, perhaps?"

"Well," he said, "that is something that will become clear as we progress. In these cases, it is customary to begin with a few milligrams of happyclappozine."

"So," I said, "your plan is to tip random chemicals into my brain until you hit upon some efficacious formula?"

He clicked his pen again and rested it on top of his undespoiled prescription pad. "I wouldn't put it quite in those terms but, essentially, yes."

"I'd rather not," I said. "If we're going to be tipping chemicals into me I'd rather have some idea of the nature of the imbalance in the first place. Just going at it randomly may make things worse."

"Look," the hitherto silent younger one said with a not quite sincere smile, "why do you think I'm here?"

I shrugged. "Looks good on your cv," I said. "Spending a few years in the trenches will help you get that plum job later on, shrinking the idle rich, so that you can live in a big house and drive around in a flashy motor. BMW maybe. Or a Lexus."

He looked at the reflection of his own face, thrown back at him from the limpid depths of his meticulously polished shoes, and said not another word.

They left, having first settled on a diagnosis of depression unlikely to be remedied by pharmacological means.

I could have told them that and saved the caring NHS a small but undoubtedly precious splinter of time and money.


(Embellished but essentially true story.)

I guess I gained my strength to escape from resisting their hapless interference. Although I didn't realise it at the time, standing up and pushing back gave me energy in the same way that bowing and kneeling sapped it.

[Jade Falcon]

Well the mental health nurse said that she had 16 years experience.  I don't think she is assigned solely to that practice but probably rotates around two or three practices in the area, then again I may be wrong as it was fairly easy to get an appointment.

I tried to mention what had happened before with the mental health team but she kept brushing that off and saying she had no access to the detailed records (or what seemed to be any interest in it).  She just came away with the usual flannel, try new hobbies, try exercise etc, but this was after saying that I have shitty sleep patterns and most days I don't feel I have the motivation nor energy to even go out, or to get out of bed at a reasonable time.

Before volunteering at the Oxfam bookshop I had practically no self confidence and it had helped a lot there even if I was feeling down a lot of the time, but to have that...person....downright reject me coming back has undone a lot of that, although I've decided to try and volunteer elsewhere I no longer feel anywhere near as sure of myself.

[JayzusB.Christ]

Well the mental health nurse said that she had 16 years experience.  I don't think she is assigned solely to that practice but probably rotates around two or three practices in the area, then again I may be wrong as it was fairly easy to get an appointment.

The counsellor who I had the most problems with (and had the most problems with me) had had decades of experience, and made sure to tell me as much when I dared to disagree with his advice.

It's like teachers, I suppose.  We all had crap teachers who'd been in the business all their lives and had no interest or skill in educating kids.

Jade, I'll send you a PM if that's ok.