Stupid things people have actually said to you.

[Trout]

Don't worry about it, Roger. We already hated you.

[House of Usher]

I was born in 1986.

Yeah. You see, it really is true about there being nothing on telly that year. I was in that queue, right behind Trout. Ugh. Sloppy eighteenths...

[Richmond Clements]

I was born in 1986.

We know. We all watched Cosh's dad give birth to you. FROM HIS ARSE.

[House of Usher]

I was born in 1986.

We know. We all watched Cosh's dad give birth to you. FROM HIS ARSE.

What?? Hang on now - no way! Damn. It was dark. An easy mistake to make.

[TordelBack]

Ugh. Sloppy eighteenths...

Cool, a gross-out contest between the Lewis Carroll sig and the Don DeLillo sig!

[Tiplodocus]

A very beautiful girl I knew once (Mandy Parsons from Sutton Coldfield) was watching football with me once.  "Why do they wear shorts?"

[House of Usher]

I think I'll retire the Lewis Carroll quote soon. It's not fresh any more.


Incidentally, I saw some Q.I. the other day. They were discussing the origins of the word 'chortle.' It never existed before Through the Looking Glass.

[HdE]

I'd just like to convey my thanks to all you lovely board users for the last page and a bit - I have just read it over and I've been crying with laughter!

[Mark Taylor]

I work in pensions. I get this at work all the time from customers, usually around 27 years old.

"I'd like to withdraw my pension."

A fair proportion of them then proceed not to beleive me when I tell them can't withdraw it because it's a PENSION and they're NOT OLD ENOUGH.

"You can't keep my money from me, it's illegal!"

"Actually, sir, we can't PAY your money to you, it's illegal."

"Well if you won't pay me my money I'm making a complaint, who do I complain to about this?"

"Ummm... try Gordon Brown?"

[Peter Wolf]

"Ummm... try Gordon Brown?"

Its not surprising that they want their money back.

[HdE]

Years ago, a friend of my father called up to ask him if he could do an odd job for her. He wasn't about, so I took the call.

He'd told me he was too busy to take on any extra side work for a while, so I explained this to the woman.

'Damn!' She said. 'I'm really in a fix. Do you know anybody else who could do it?'

I thought about it, and suggested another one of my father's friends.

'WHAAAAT!??' She squealed. 'He'll want MONEY for it!'

[Mike Gloady]

This thread is a consistant source of joy.  The idiocy of others never fails to make me smile.....

[worldshown]

Years ago, my otherwise normal, reasonably intelligent father tried to explain to me his theory about the ozone layer.

He believed that it was like a layer of cellophane around the world and the holes in it were caused by rockets sent up by the Americans and Russians which punctured it.

When I asked him about meteorites coming from the other direction, he said that they fix the holes the rockets make.

Thought it best not to bring the subject up again after that.

[Mikey]

One of the labs I worked in a few years ago regularly had students in doing the experimental work for their honors thesis. The level of 'bench' knowledge was frighteningly low for people doing science degrees IMO, but the biscuit was well and truly taken by a Phd student;

Background - in labs there are a few ways to make reagents. They commonly need stirring and plenty of it, so to save your wrist for more important things like posting messages on the 'net, you would use a magnetic stirring plate. You place the glassware on this plate with a magnetic stirring rod inside (they're just small, coated bar magnets)and when you turn the plate on - hey presto! It stirs itself!

If you turn the plate on before any fluids are in the glassware, the 'flea' (as we called them) could bounce about inside the glassware, risking it perhaps smashing or flying out the top.

Said Phd student got his glassware, put in his 'flea'. Placed it on the plate.Turned the plate - cue madly bouncing 'flea'.

He reached in and turned the 'flea' over. I asked him what he was doing and he said; "I'm reversing the polarity so it doesn't bounce about."

He got his doctorate by the way.

M. 

[uncle fester]

And now he works on the Large Hadron Collider?