Stupid things people have actually said to you.

[GordyM]

Aye. Never boring.

This is my friend Gary's finest moment:

Swedish girl in a pub: "Hi, I'm Heidi."

Gary: "Hi, I'm Seek-y."

Her face soured up when we all fell about dying with laughter. Poor lassie quickly walked away.

[SuperSurfer]

Few years ago were in a car chatting about going to clubs and someone mentioned they went to the Fridge in Brixton.

One person in the car: "What, what... you actually went IN the fridge!?"

[Rog69]

A friend of mine and his wife were being shown around a house by an estate agent, my friend had to ask his wife what a vendor was after he heard the estate agent using the phrase. His wife told him that it meant the seller.

At the end of being shown around my friend asked if he could see the cellar, the agent told him the house didn't have one so he asked hew why she had said there were ven doors, thinking that they were the doors you have over the entrance to a cellar.

[Onlyverysmall]

My mate thought 'Dawn of the Dead' was a sister film to 'Shaun of the Dead' about a girl called Dawn.

[Professor Bear]

I knew someone who said that they'd never watch a black and white film, which seems perverse.

I used to work with a bloke who said the same thing.  He also thought - because one day I made the mistake of trying to explain what the Cold War was and at some point mentioned that the Americans tried to make a space laser to shoot down missiles and they called it the Star Wars programme - that the first three Star Wars movies were partly based upon historical events "but set in the present, like Romeo and Juliet", while the prequels were entirely fictional and this was why one of our co-workers hated them so much.
To be fair, he was a young lad and I don't think he was stupid as much as he just didn't care.

[JOE SOAP]

Had he ever seen Star Wars?

[Emperor]

Had he ever seen Star Wars?

That's the one with Ronald Reagan in, right?

[Professor Bear]

Had he ever seen Star Wars?

Yes.  In retrospect I should have been slightly more proud of making him believe this than making him believe that the Trotters' van from Only Fools was a recycled Thunderbird 4.

[Roger Godpleton]

Your mom is a recycled Thunderbird 4.

[Professor Bear]

That's what your mom said.

[Definitely Not Mister Pops]

"The girl at reception said that parking was free. Does that mean I don't have to pay for it?"

[TordelBack]

Please find below the latest gems from my government-mandated 'Becoming A More Compliant Drone' unemployment course.  There's a whole book to be written on absurdities from this Tuesday's classes alone, but I'll restrict myself to just two.  Please do not take this thread as a moan: I found it genuinely amusing, and genuinely stupid.

Audience: a room of 20 people who have been unemployed for 6 months or more, have a 3rd level qualification and some management experience, most with young families, rough age range late 30's to late 50's. 

Speaker: a qualified accountant and financial 'life coach', sub-contracted by the state training agency. 

Session title: 'Personal financial planning for unemployment and reduced income'.

Actual advice given No. 1 [stupid thing the person actually said]:  "One great tip for making ends meet when things are tight: when Marks & Spencer have one of their €12 2-person meal-deals, buy 10 of them at one time and freeze them: that way you get 10 free bottles of wine!!!" 

Comment 1: So that's my worries over, then.  The solution to having no money is to bulk-buy luxury desserts in M&S to get at the 'free' gargle.  The government sent a man to tell me so.

The idea, the very concept, that I might ever have €120 in my hands to spend on food at one time, never mind that my kids might thrive on a diet of Stilton Tartlets and Luxury Port Mousse...

Actual advice given No. 2 [stupid thing the person actually said]:  "You only have one life to live, so you have to take a holiday, even if it means lowering your sights [Fair enough observation].  Cut right back, but do it:  even if it's just 3 weeks in a tent in France".

Comment 2: Three weeks in a tent in France.  That was (I kid you not) my honeymoon, and it was bloody fantastic. Right now it literally would be my wildest, fondest dream.  But sure I'll my lower my sights to that, then.

Questioned on how to pay for this, the advice was to 'put away €100 a month'.  i.e. €1,200 all-in. Entirely coincidentally I optimistically costed this very holiday earlier this year, albeit for 2 weeks.  The absolute cheapest i could make it work for a family of 4 was €2,500. Funnily enough we aren't going.

Oh, and as a final hurdle, as a Jobseeker you presently aren't permitted to take 3 weeks consecutive holidays without permanently losing your benefit.   

[O Lucky Stevie!]

Because Stevie brings his own lunch.

Manager: "Do you eat the same sandwich every day?"

[HdE]

Holy COW, Tordelback - that is some first class stupidity in that last post!

It's the sort of 'divorced from reality' reasoning that makes me cry with laughter. I used to hear BS like at the student parties I went to all the time.

Personal favourites of mine from those dismal days are:

'No, no - you're wrong. The problem in Ethiopia was never that there wasn't enough food. It was EDUCATION. There was plenty of food. It's just that nobody knew how to COOK it.'

and:

'If your business is struggling and you don't have money coming in, why don't you just pay yourself a salary?'

The last one came from a trained and qualified accountant. She was also of the 'very pretty, but proportionally dumb' variety.

[JamesC]

Because Stevie brings his own lunch.

Manager: "Do you eat the same sandwich every day?"

Maybe he thinks your digestive tract works like the Mouse Mill:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VyNs27kxolM