Stupid things people have actually said to you.

[Professor Bear]

*EDIT: I should have added that the manager accused one poor young cashier of theft for this - by not charging commission, she was stealing from the bank, and he'd a good mind to call the police.   This during one of his after-hours motivation sessions, where he lined us all up and shouted at us.  I didn't like working in a bank very much

No joke, I have found through experiences that I am not necessarily proud of but crucially do not regret that the positives from punching abusive co-workers in the mouth far outweigh the long-term negatives from not doing so, up to and including loss of the job in question.

I had a stupid boss who was a university professor. He commissioned a long and poorly designed questionnaire

(yadday yadda yadda)

Finally he took his results, based on a 5% response rate, around the international conference circuit, on expenses.

I hate to be the one to break this to you, Ush, but this does not sound remotely stupid.  This guy should be your goddamn hero.

[House of Usher]

This guy should be your goddamn hero.

I guarantee you, if you'd met him, and had to work with him for three years, you'd have punched him in the face.

[Professor Bear]

If you knew me at all, you'd know it would not take three years.

[The Doctor Alt 8]

http://youtu.be/_e3xyt9zjFk

Nuff said.
I have to LIVE with this woman.

[Funt Solo]

My boss has some amazing power-saving notions:

---

Boss: "To save power, the lights switch off automatically 30 minutes after you leave".
Me: "So we could save 30 minutes of power by switching the lights off when we leave."
Boss: "No! They're automatic!"

---

Boss: "To save power, don't print any posters - project the information onto the wall".
[a few minutes later]
Boss: "Switch off the projectors when not in use - the bulbs are expensive."

[NapalmKev]

My Boss was trying to explain a breakdown of percentages to some of the staff. He dismantled his nokia phone into 3 pieces (back/front and battery), he then held up the phone/pieces and said " right, this phone as a whole represents 100%. the back represents 10%, the front 70% and the battery is also 10%. how much percentage is that?" to which I replied 90%. He glared at me and started his percentage speech again pretty much word for word and asked again how much? Again I said 90% ( I repeated his nonsense back to him putting much emphasis into the figures he had given us.

Upon realizing his mistake he changed the subject entirely and started waffling about empty shelves!

He reminds me a bit of Ace Rimmer (What a Guy!)

[TordelBack]

Boss: "To save power, the lights switch off automatically 30 minutes after you leave".
Me: "So we could save 30 minutes of power by switching the lights off when we leave."
Boss: "No! They're automatic!"

Ah Funt it's good to have you back.  That's now one of my all-time favourites.

[Charlie boy]

Not sure if this fits in with the rest, but it happened this afternoon so I thought I would mention it. I was walking into town and, having a cigarette, I walked by two women sitting on a step as they shared a can of super-strength lager. One of them asks "Hey mate- have you got a spare ciggie?" (it sounded more 'eyyyyy mmmate, have you got a sssssspare sss-iggie?)
"I haven't, sorry" I politely said on passing (I had a number of cigarettes in my pocket but in this day and age, I'm one of many people who can't afford to go handing them out to random people on the street).
"Where are they," her friend called after me, "up your ass?"
My feet actually stopped moving for a moment as I tried to make sense of that response.

[klute]

Not sure if this fits in with the rest, but it happened this afternoon so I thought I would mention it. I was walking into town and, having a cigarette, I walked by two women sitting on a step as they shared a can of super-strength lager. One of them asks "Hey mate- have you got a spare ciggie?" (it sounded more 'eyyyyy mmmate, have you got a sssssspare sss-iggie?)
"I haven't, sorry" I politely said on passing (I had a number of cigarettes in my pocket but in this day and age, I'm one of many people who can't afford to go handing them out to random people on the street).
"Where are they," her friend called after me, "up your ass?"
My feet actually stopped moving for a moment as I tried to make sense of that response.

As a none smoker i'm surprised at how many smokers look at you as though your stupid when asked if you smoke or have a cigarette and you respond that you don't smoke...............

i've spent many years struggling to get some sleep imbetween a few hours on a good night and nightmares that would literally scare our own Judge Dredd

I remember the cunt that gave birth to me trying to reason the sleep problems by asking me if the reason i had nightmares was down to listening to Heavy music???yeah sure it was the music that was the problem.....

During a visit home from uni back in the 90's her demented husband popped into my room as the end of Rage Against the Machines Killing in the Name of was playing out to be asked is your record stuck???
Yep my RATM tape is skipping lol

[Charlie boy]

As a none smoker i'm surprised at how many smokers look at you as though your stupid when asked if you smoke or have a cigarette and you respond that you don't smoke...............

I'm trying to quit smoking due to the increasing number of somewhat cheeky smokers. In the last few months I've had the incident I mentioned earlier AND
Walking home one night (not smoking)-
STRANGER ON STREET: Do you have a ciggie?
ME: I haven't.
STRANGER ON STREET: Let me check your pockets then.
?!
AS WELL AS-
Walking along lighting a cigarette.
YET ANOTHER STRANGER ON STREET: Do you have a spare ciggie for me?
ME: This is my last one.
YET ANOTHER STRANGER ON STREET: (some 20 seconds later when we're some space apart but loud enough for me to hear) Wan**r.

[SquashedFly]

Last time I got asked if I had any Cigs was a few weeks ago at a bus stop by two scrotes.

I politely said no and one of them proceeded to call me a fat faggot or something along those lines. Me and the GF turned around to laugh at the absurdity and he then threated to "bang my bird out" who is a rat apparently.

Takes every ounce of restraint in that situation to not introduce the chavvy fucks to bus stop glass.

[darnmarr]

..

"Yeah, the film was alright but it's not really Dredd from the comics is it? Stallone did it way better like when he blows-up yer man's red car?-that was classic Dredd that was... What are you gettin' annoyed about? you think you're the only one who read the comics! I read the comics too and I'm tellin' you Stallone nailed it...No listen to me...where are you going? Jesus Christ man, I'm only havin' an opinion! -You think you're the only one who knows anything! I read the same comics you did you narky article!- Stallone nailed it: Stallone nailed and I dont care what you say! There now!"

[radiator]

"Prometheus is grown up, intelligent sci-fi".

[NapalmKev]

"Prometheus is grown up, intelligent sci-fi".

I thought Prometheus was a boring load of crap to be honest, but what you've said reminded me about my mate-"you gotta watch the Hunger Games; it's sooo good".

Turns out my mate was over-egging the pudding a touch 

[JayzusB.Christ]

"Prometheus is grown up, intelligent sci-fi".

I thought Prometheus was a boring load of crap to be honest, but what you've said reminded me about my mate-"you gotta watch the Hunger Games; it's sooo good".

Turns out my mate was over-egging the pudding a touch 

Heh.  I thought about watching both on a long-haul flight yesterday, and ended up watching neither.  Instead I watched an interesting documentary about Bob Marley, another about Stan Lee, and a couple of episodes of The (U.S.) Office.  I believe I won the in-flight entertainment.

On the downside, I'd watched half of Captain America the week before, but thankfully landed before it could finish.