Stupid things people have actually said to you.

[Trout]

I opined that I may find it difficult to become aroused under the circumstances.

But it might have been a sexy mountain lion...

You must never go there, Simba.

[Richmond Clements]

I opined that I may find it difficult to become aroused under the circumstances.

But it might have been a sexy mountain lion...

You must never go there, Simba.

[I, Cosh]

I opined that I may find it difficult to become aroused under the circumstances.

But it might have been a sexy mountain lion...

It is just a big pussy I suppose.

[Richmond Clements]

I opined that I may find it difficult to become aroused under the circumstances.

But it might have been a sexy mountain lion...

It is just a big pussy I suppose.

[M.I.K.]

Heavens to Murgatroyd!

[Dandontdare]

Apparently he didn't know that in America 'Strollers' are what we call babies buggies....He thought they meant no walkers, strolling around...

We hosted a young American visitor once whose father was a high school football coach. He was at first shocked, and then found it hilarious, to see the signs at motorway service stations saying "no football coaches*", and insisted on getting photos taken in front of every one he found.

*i.e. a big bus full of footballl fans

[TordelBack]

He was at first shocked, and then found it hilarious, to see the signs at motorway service stations saying "no football coaches*", and insisted on getting photos taken in front of every one he found.

Magnificent.  Reminds me of my father-in-law who can't drive past a 'Heavy Plant Crossing' sign without shouting 'look out, Triffids!'.

[Richmond Clements]

He was at first shocked, and then found it hilarious, to see the signs at motorway service stations saying "no football coaches*", and insisted on getting photos taken in front of every one he found.

Magnificent.  Reminds me of my father-in-law who can't drive past a 'Heavy Plant Crossing' sign without shouting 'look out, Triffids!'.

A man after my own heart..!

[I, Cosh]

Magnificent.  Reminds me of my father-in-law who can't drive past a 'Heavy Plant Crossing' sign without shouting 'look out, Triffids!'.

This was a favourite in my family too. Right up there with complaining at the lack of variety at the zoo as every enclosure was labelled "These animals are dangerous." [Pronounced to rhyme with the boxing marsupial.]

[Hawkmumbler]

He was at first shocked, and then found it hilarious, to see the signs at motorway service stations saying "no football coaches*", and insisted on getting photos taken in front of every one he found.

Magnificent.  Reminds me of my father-in-law who can't drive past a 'Heavy Plant Crossing' sign without shouting 'look out, Triffids!'.

My grandfather was fond of this one. Very amusing to say the least, seeded my love for sci-fi early.

[TordelBack]

"These animals are dangerous." [Pronounced to rhyme with the boxing marsupial.]

Filed away for future use.

[Frank]

Right up there with complaining at the lack of variety at the zoo as every enclosure was labelled "These animals are dangerous." [Pronounced to rhyme with the boxing marsupial.]

My Dad's version of that gag involved the victim of an animal attack reporting he'd been savaged by a dan-ger-oos-kee-pa-wey.  That was almost as good as his joke about the cowboy who keeps wiping his mouth across his horse's arse to combat the effects of the dry desert heat and sand being blown in his face. His buddies ask him if the moisture of the horse shit stops his lips drying and cracking; no, he replies, but it stops me licking the fucking things.

Dad jokes are the best when you're six, but the implicit racism of those gags (the victim of the animal attack was called Paddy and the cowboy with the lips was black) and his rib-tickler about the Mexican who shat himself justify their inclusion in a thread with this title.

[Spikes]

So now that you've teased it, do we get to hear the joke about the Mexican, or what?

[Sideshow Bob]

Not said to me...( heard it on a programme on TV ) BUT....told to Billy Connolly by the late Great Chic Murray...

Chic had consumed a few drinks,  and when walking home along the street,  fell over.......A wee woman came up and asked him......" Ohh, did you fall, son ??"
His reply " No Mrs, I've got a bar of chocolate in my pocket,  and I was trying to break it !!"

[von Boom]

Not said to me...( heard it on a programme on TV ) BUT....told to Billy Connolly by the late Great Chic Murray...

Chic had consumed a few drinks,  and when walking home along the street,  fell over.......A wee woman came up and asked him......" Ohh, did you fall, son ??"
His reply " No Mrs, I've got a bar of chocolate in my pocket,  and I was trying to break it !!"

Tea all over my screen! Priceless.