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The Black Dog Thread

Started by Grugz, 02 January, 2016, 09:54:32 PM

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Jade Falcon

My situation at the moment is bad, very bad and I feel just getting worse.  I've suffered from ill health starting at the age of 10.  Within a short time I was in a serious car crash and my grandfather died.  After that I was diagnosed with epilepsy which took many years to get under any sort of stable control.

For many years, and indeed to a certain extent still, I have been extremely withdrawn, I found getting a job next to impossible except for a short term call centre position I hated, as it was pressure selling (timeshares), that wasn't what I was told it was going to be, cold calling really can get you down.

Anyway, I've also had health problems with my heart.  Fast forward and five years ago my mother died suddenly and painfully with bowel cancer.  I was on DLA and with the benefit reforms PIP said I had no health problems.  Taking 25-30 pills a day sure doesn't seem like no health problems.  I'm trying to struggle to live on £75 a week and have cut everything to the bone.  Most of the day I don't even have heating on except for hot water.

Depression set in a few years ago and has been steadily getting worse.  I was on Sertraline for a year and felt no positive effects at all.  I feel I have just turned 50 (on January 13th) and I have done nothing with my life, achieved nothing, have nothing worthwhile to live for.  I have had no relationships, no job bar that crappy call centre, I'm living very much hand to mouth and I see no end in sight.  I've already tried suicide twice and find myself contemplating it on a daily basis.  It's silly though, I want to end it, but in a painless way.

I have very little family, a brother I see occasionally, two other brothers I haven't seen in years, one doesn't want to know me for some reason best known to himself, and one was an alcoholic the last time I saw him about six years ago and he only ever appeared when he wanted something.

To try and solve the work issue a few years back I started voluntary work in an Oxfam bookshop as I am an avid reader and have a lot of interest in stuff like graphic novels (obviously), fantasy, sci fi, history both world and local, and various other things.  The management now are to be frank incompetent and keep wanting insane prices.  A prime example was on the Oxfam webshop for instance, one of the phone book editions of Nemesis they wanted £35 for and it had been reduced from over £100, this wasn't a signed edition or anything.  That was from a different shop but is a sign of the sheer greed.  DVD's that used to sell at 4 for £1 they now want £2 each for.  Staff are getting increasingly treated like dirt there, and I feel that our opinions arent even valued.  To be frank its not fun.  Working there was increasing my stress.

Other factors have been lack of proper sleep, or a poor sleep pattern, the sheer cold where I have been wearing four or five layers of clothes and sitting with my duvet in the living room.  I feel I don't have a life and that it barely qualifies as an existence, and its one I want no part of.  I've had people say "Oh its Covid", but I'm saying its not bloody Covid as I was feeling like this before Covid and I admit that's not helping.  I had tried to get help from a counsellor but they were absolutely useless (after six months of waiting) and on the second appointment said "Do you want to continue or give up", encouraging, huh?

I had people say try and join a club, which is difficult at the moment, but even then last year I tried an art club and I couldn't even afford the fee.  Living in such a narrow margin.

This is a bit of an incoherent rant, but I'm just typing it up as I see it.  I just see no reason to go on, nothing to live for and if someone on the street casually says "Things will get better", "Cheer up", or "Buck up", I feel like I will scream.....
When the truth offends, we lie and lie until we can no longer remember it is even there, but it is still there. Every lie we tell incurs a debt to the truth. Sooner or later, that debt is paid. That is how an RBMK reactor core explodes. Lies. - Valery Legasov

Funt Solo

I am still holding a grudge against a complete stranger who told me "Smile! It may never happen!" in 1995.
++ A-Z ++  coma ++

The Legendary Shark


I have been there, Jade. I know that's no consolation and that our experiences are different and I can't truly understand - but the feelings I do.

I somehow, with help where I could get it, found within myself the strength and perspective to turn around. I didn't find that inner strength all at once, like being struck by a divine thunderbolt, but uncovered it bit by bit, like an amateur archaeologist. Everybody has that strength in them, somewhere. The trick for me was not deciding where to look, but whether to look at all.

Look for that strength and you will find it. One of the books that helped me begin to sort myself out (as nobody was going to do it for me), and still provides guidance in trying times, is the Meditations of Marcus Aurelius. Sounds terribly dusty and highbrow, I know, but it ain't.

All my best to you, Jade - never forget that you are a being of infinite value and potential, and that everyone hereabouts thinks you're very cool. xx

[move]~~~^~~~~~~~[/move]




Bolt-01

Quote from: The Legendary Shark on 05 February, 2021, 09:58:00 PM
All my best to you, Jade - never forget that you are a being of infinite value and potential, and that everyone hereabouts thinks you're very cool. xx

What he said. Feel free to rant about anything you need to; you may not get many responses but you will be read.

Tjm86

Jade,

thank you for sharing your feelings and thoughts.  TBH your post came across as reasoned and eloquent.  Not sure why you thought it was an incoherent rant (actually not true, I can fully appreciate that at any single point in time we can feel like nothing we do or say is of value ...)

It strikes me from what you are saying that you are an incredibly resilient person.  This might seem odd to you but consider what you have come through.  The fact that you reach out like this in this space speaks to your strength and ability.  You list a lot of challenging experiences there.  To keep on after all that is, I would politely suggest, no mean feat.

I know exactly what you mean about counselling.  Like you, I've had experiences that simply increased despair.  Good counselling is incredibly hard to find.  At the moment it is bizarre as it is all conducted by phone if you are lucky to get on the list. 

I wish I could offer more than words of encouragement and support.  The only thing I would say is if you do feel like you are contemplating extreme actions please, please, please shout out here.  There are lots of people who are willing to try and find ways of supporting meaningfully.  Possibly as there are so many who can relate / have personal experience of this.

Take care, focus on small victories ... and what Sharkey said!

TordelBack

Thoughts go out to you, Jade. That's an all round rotten situation. You've every reason to be down coping with all that, you're obviously a tough nut to get through at all, and rest assured you're far from the only one to look at 50 this year and think "fuck, I've had my shot and I missed". I wouldn't think we're even in the minority.

It's a trivial aside, but I fancy myself a connoisseur of the charity shop bookshelves and Oxfam are truly unique in their unrealistic pricing: someone somewhere up the chain has a spreadsheet pegged against eBay/Amazon Buy It Nows and can't see past it, and that seems to filter down into most shops. Maybe a change of charity if there are other options down your way, even if it drifts away from a pure bookshop.

I won't be so ignorant as to tell you that things will get automatically better, no-one can say that, but there absolutely will be little things you can find to enjoy again: the days will get brighter and warmer and you'll be there to feel to the sun on your face, dip your feet in a stream, read a book under a tree and laugh at some awful Abnett pun. Like the other lads say, grab onto the smallest victories when they present themselves. That's pretty much all there ever is or was.

JayzusB.Christ

I can only really say I'm really sorry about your situation, Jade, and as an occasional sufferer and full-time antidepressant taker, I can totally understand why you'd feel depressed. 

I worked in telesales before too; selling a crap banking insurance product, and I felt guilty about the rare sale I made - it was absolutely soul-crushing.  I remember once commuting for about 45 minutes, getting to the gates of the call centre and realising I just couldn't go in, and then turning around and going home.  I managed to scrape myself together enough to go in the next day, and nobody noticed I'd been missing.

But that's by the by.  There probably isn't much I can say to help you, but I just hope your situation improves as soon as possible.
"Men will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest"

dweezil2

#517
Quote from: Funt Solo on 05 February, 2021, 09:15:08 PM
I am still holding a grudge against a complete stranger who told me "Smile! It may never happen!" in 1995.

I was told that once and fired back that it already has!!!!  :lol:
Savalas Seed Bandcamp: https://savalasseed1.bandcamp.com/releases

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https://youtu.be/qllbagBOIAo

Jade Falcon

Resilient might be a way of putting it, but I'm increasingly thinking that what is the sense of surviving if life is barely an existence with nothing to look forward to.  I'm now frequently not waking up till the afternoon, my sleep is away to hell.  The flat is an absolute mess and I keep thinking I'll try tidying up but I lack the energy, the will or the motivation to do so.

I had a phone call for a PIP assessment the other day and they didn't even have my information that I had passed on and the useless ATOS individual was very ...arrogant and aggresive saying it wouldn't make a difference, so what did I fill in a 40+ page form for then FFS.  I really think its been decided to fail anyway as ATOS are nothing but a bunch of box tickers.

I've tried phoning Samaritans and Breathing space in the double digit counts and its no use, its just a case of what's the point.  No family, noone close, little money and I am so damned cold.  It's no use going to my doctor because with all the COVID stuff, it's going to be hard enough to get an appointment, and all that will be suggested is pills that don't solve any of the issues.
When the truth offends, we lie and lie until we can no longer remember it is even there, but it is still there. Every lie we tell incurs a debt to the truth. Sooner or later, that debt is paid. That is how an RBMK reactor core explodes. Lies. - Valery Legasov

Funt Solo

I wonder about the medication part - a relative of mine was on what I would describe as coping medication (rather than curative), but was trying to find a way to get off it, because they wanted to come out of the other end. I wasn't sure if that approach was realistic, or was going to help or hinder them. Might there be a sense that, as with something like insulin injections - that there's a lifetime of it ahead and that's just the way the land lies? It's probably different in each case, I imagine.

Sorry - that's probably not helpful. I've been coming to terms with my new knee - and there's this sense that I have to accept that it's just not going to ever get back to the way it was before I wounded it - so I think in those terms now. Coincidentally, my brother smashed his ankle, so he's never going to skateboard again. There are all these different ways of something being life-changing - it's kind of where my mind's at just now.
++ A-Z ++  coma ++

JayzusB.Christ

It's a tricky one.  I've taken anti-depressants pretty much every day for at least 15 years, with a gap of about 6 months when I went travelling and was loving life - when I came back the depression hit me like a train and the dose was upped.

After lots of CBT I halved my dose - didn't say anything to the doctor or anything; breaking my tablets in half also halves the cost.  I found then an online CBT group where we practise the techniques we've learned on each other, and I'm starting to feel, for the first time in years, that I might not need to take happy-pills for the rest of my life.

As you say, different in each case, though.  By the way my introduction to CBT was the Feeling Good podcast hosted by Dr David Burns.  It took me months to either understand the techniques or feel convinced, but it's been very helpful - his last book, Feeling Great, is well worth a read.  I've also had online CBT, which was way, way more valuable than all the talk therapy I had in the past.
"Men will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest"

Jade Falcon

I feel that all the therapy won't solve the loneliness problems which were bad enough pre Covid not to mention the financial side. I've also got to be extra careful with medication that I'm on about eight different sorts of medication for other issues that might cause conflicts.

Feeling worse lately with sleeping problems as well and a lack of focus and no enjoyment in anything. It's hard to describe, but it just doesn't feel like a life, not even an existence.

As to the charity shop side, I only volunteered there because it was a bookshop, I've no real interest in a general one as most have only a few books as a sideline
When the truth offends, we lie and lie until we can no longer remember it is even there, but it is still there. Every lie we tell incurs a debt to the truth. Sooner or later, that debt is paid. That is how an RBMK reactor core explodes. Lies. - Valery Legasov

Funt Solo

That's an interesting coincidence - my relative who suffers from an ongoing mental illness also found some solace in charity shop work, but then had a bit of a low period where customers were triggering some quite extreme negative responses.  Unfortunately, I'm not much help as relatives also trigger similar response.

On a more positive note, they've found comfort in a few things (some of which I know about by stalking their Instragram) - photography, their dog and a long-term gardening project. It's not as if they're "fixed" (whatever on Earth that could even mean) but there are these lights in the darkness.
++ A-Z ++  coma ++

JayzusB.Christ

I do know what it's like to have no enjoyment in anything; and when your life feels utterly empty and hopeless.  The CBT has got me over the worst of it, and I hope the effects continue, but it truly is awful.

I'm not saying this will be the case for anybody else, but my CBT therapist was all about sorting out loneliness - with her help, I'd managed to cram in loads and loads of social activities (mainly through Meetups) and was actually getting a bit exhausted with meeting so many new people.  Of course, 2020 put an abrupt stop to it all, though I have managed to continue a few of the Meetup groups through Zoom.

But this is in no way an attempt to try to give unsolicited advice or anything, as I'm in no position to help anyone with their mental health; just talking about my own experiences. Of course what's worked for other people is not going to work for everyone; and back when I was at my lowest point, I don't think I would have been able for any of that socialising.  All I can say is, my heart goes out to you, FC, and while it's not much, you're always welcome to spill your heart out on this thread.
"Men will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest"

sheridan

Quote from: Jade Falcon on 07 February, 2021, 11:38:18 PM
Resilient might be a way of putting it, but I'm increasingly thinking that what is the sense of surviving if life is barely an existence with nothing to look forward to.  I'm now frequently not waking up till the afternoon, my sleep is away to hell.  The flat is an absolute mess and I keep thinking I'll try tidying up but I lack the energy, the will or the motivation to do so.


I've a few friends with this issue (wanting to tidy up their home but the task is too daunting).  One method that's come up is that every time they go in to another room they take an item with them (an item that belongs in the other room, naturally).  It's not much, but it's more than nothing.


QuoteI had a phone call for a PIP assessment the other day and they didn't even have my information that I had passed on and the useless ATOS individual was very ...arrogant and aggresive saying it wouldn't make a difference, so what did I fill in a 40+ page form for then FFS.  I really think its been decided to fail anyway as ATOS are nothing but a bunch of box tickers.


You're right - they have decided to fail a certain amount of cases.  Try appealing - they count on those who have failed the assessment not having the motivation to go through the appeals process, but once the case gets looked at properly you'll probably get PIP - a massive 76% of appeals succeed, which just highlights how heartless ASOS are in the first place.