The Black Dog Thread

[Trooper McFad]

Glad to hear you found an outlet are over this hill. Hopefully future hills don't become mountains.

Stay strong and keep on slapping that dog down.

[Proudhuff]

So glad you done that, keep on keeping on!

[milstar]

Black dog bit me hard today. Walking around like nothing matters. Everyone sleepwalking into a monstrous dark future, lost in lies, half-truths and fear. Fear everywhere, leading the world by the nose. Nobody wants to look, nobody wants to listen. Found myself thinking that if today my heart finally did give out and I moved on, wouldn't be a bad thing. Least I'll miss all the horrors in store. Haven't felt so hopeless, so lost, in nearly a decade. Hard to stay focused. Hard not to brood. Do not want to slip back into that darkness I felt before but it's like a flood. Not sure how much longer I can stay afloat. Talking to a couple of trusted people helped a bit. Not much. Got to hang on, though. Got to beat it. Done it before, can do it again. Can do it again. Have to.

you described my periodical monthly ventures. The worst of all, I know I am doomed to be like that until my heart stops beating.

[Jade Falcon]

I really feel guilty about the way I'm feeling, I mean I've solved my financial issues, but the fact is that I still feel that life isn't worth a damn.  It's nice to be able to go to the supermarket and not have to worry about my shopping, not that I go over the top anyway.

No, the fact is that I've reached 50 years old and life just doesn't seem worth a damn.  I've no significant other, practically no family and every day feels the same as the next, even before Covid happened and turned that up to max.

I tried to get back to Oxfam for a few hours a week and the manager said that I wasn't basically respectful or trustworthy.  I really felt like venting on her, for one thing there was a time she had hauled me into the office accusing me of being rude to a post office staff member and that they had had a complaint, turned out it wasn't me but she never bothered getting her facts right.  I wish there was another charity bookshop, but nope.

I still have extreme fatigue and sleep problems.  I didn't get up till 3pm approximately, and was lying semi awake for a while before that, but just felt there was nothing to get up for.  The house is a mess and any time I try to get some tidying up done I get only a little done and just feel beat mentally and physically.

Really, what is the point in it all, life just stinks, and I am increasingly thinking I'd be better of out of it because there's nothing to look forward to.

[Trooper McFad]

Jade I can't tell you that life doesn't stink. At times it does. I too have reached the 1/2 century & I've asked myself why and what's the point many times over the last decade and I'm fortunate enough to have someone to share these feelings with.
I don't know you or your daily toils but what helps me are the small things that keep me believing it is worth keeping going. For me things like tasting my first ripe strawberry of the season or buttering up the freshly cooked garden tatties or simple things like a good cup of tea in the morning (some mornings I get the timing wrong and it's shite) or when I get a chance to sit on a park bench closing my eyes with the sun on my face. I take these as good things and worth trying to repeat.

The world can be an overwhelming, complicated and shitty place but when looked at simply it can be fantastic. I hope you can find the small things that work for you. Stay strong and you will get through this.

[milstar]

The worst thing about this is when you loose interest in all things you loved and let the apathy swallows you whole. At the top of that are sleeping problems. I figured that perhaps the only way to fix that is to drop all your medics, and change your life severely. Maybe traveling around the globe.

[Tjm86]

I really feel guilty about the way I'm feeling, I mean I've solved my financial issues, but the fact is that I still feel that life isn't worth a damn. 

TBH these are feelings that I can relate to Jade.  I feel a little like I'm in denial with the redundancy at the moment.  Trying to job hunt right now is a major uphill struggle.  I'm losing the fight with self medication.  The SSRI's are playing havoc with sleep and leaving me feeling fatigued all day.  Hyper-vigilance, over-reactivity, hyper-sensitivity, anger, fear, resentment, ...

I wish I could tell you that there is an easy solution, that there is a quick way to turn all this around.  I mean, I get the way the Oxfam manager made you feel (BTW, that wasn't you making comments about customers speaking Welsh in the Hay on Wye store, was it? ... no, didn't think so.  That illustrates nicely some of the issues around Oxfam volunteer management, I think).  I have the same things thrown back at me.  The frustration is that it is actually fear, anxiety and depression but it gets interpreted as being 'rude' or uncooperative.

Perhaps its worth thinking about different volunteering options to the (if I'm completely honest, a little uppity and above themselves) Oxfam?  Given your love of books, perhaps another option might be contacting a local care home and seeing if you can offer a reading service for residents?

I'd also like to say "don't feel guilty ... " but then I'd be a massive hypocrite on that score.  In all honesty that is natural.  It feels at times like we're supposed to feel great and amazing all the time these days.  One of the practices of Dialectic Behaviour Therapy (an extension of CBT designed for people with BPD) is 'radical acceptance' ... trying to simply 'accept' and be in whatever the circumstances are.  It isn't easy but then again it does help a bit.

Thanks for sharing your feelings though and your honesty.  Personally I find it a little helpful when this thread gets an outing.  There's a degree of 'normalising' that helps to make the crap more manageable, if that makes sense?  It also helps to process what is going on and make sense of things (as much as is ever possible).

Take care, my friend.

[The Legendary Shark]

The world can be an overwhelming, complicated and shitty place but when looked at simply it can be fantastic. I hope you can find the small things that work for you. Stay strong and you will get through this.

Exactly this.

If nothing matters then nothing's worth worrying about. One of the perspectives that generally helps me, even though it's a little morbid, is that one day I'll be dead. Maybe that day's today, maybe it's tomorrow or decades from now. But it's not now. Now is all I've got, so I may as well do my best to appreciate and enjoy it. Doesn't always work, sure, but it does so more often than not.

[JayzusB.Christ]

Glad you've found someone to talk things through, Sharky. 

I've just finished an hour of online CBT - it's in the early stages, but it seems to me that I often feel more miserable and hopeless after the sessions than I did when I started, having brought up all the negative thoughts and beliefs that I generally distract myself from.   But as I say, it's early doors, and we haven't even moved on to any actual CBT techniques yet other than pinpointing exactly what the issue is.

Also, your comment about a little piece of Eden reminded me of how much I already have - just this week I got my new paddled down the canal to a little ring-fort (hadn't realised it was that till someone told me; it's just a circle of  trees in the middle of a field) and lit myself a little campfire to cook on and drank a beer.  If I was a multi-billionaire I think I'd still be doing exactly the same things.

[The Legendary Shark]

Sounds great, JBC. It really is the little things, isn't it? Camp fires are incredible - so many people come to the site and sit around them with drinks and mates. That's been going on for tens of thousands of years and it's still wonderful. If mankind had a symbol, I think the campfire would be it. Raise a tinnie to me the next time you do that, for my spirit will be with you!

[Jade Falcon]

The worst thing about this is when you loose interest in all things you loved and let the apathy swallows you whole. At the top of that are sleeping problems. I figured that perhaps the only way to fix that is to drop all your medics, and change your life severely. Maybe traveling around the globe.

I guess you mean drop the meds?

Sure, and I might end up dead because of it because I'm on so much, though the way I'm feeling that might not be such a bad thing.

As to travel, I'm unemployed, even with the lump sum pip gave me health insurance is prohibitive, and I have to tell the DWP if I'm leaving the country for any length of time and not to mention Cocos restrictions.

Sorry if that comes off as a bit sarcastic but it is what it is, and really, traveling on my own holds no appeal.

I've got an appointment with the mental health practitioner at my GP on Monday but I'm really not expecting anything beyond the usual happy pills suggestion.

[milstar]

The worst thing about this is when you loose interest in all things you loved and let the apathy swallows you whole. At the top of that are sleeping problems. I figured that perhaps the only way to fix that is to drop all your medics, and change your life severely. Maybe traveling around the globe.

I guess you mean drop the meds?

Sure, and I might end up dead because of it because I'm on so much, though the way I'm feeling that might not be such a bad thing.

As to travel, I'm unemployed, even with the lump sum pip gave me health insurance is prohibitive, and I have to tell the DWP if I'm leaving the country for any length of time and not to mention Cocos restrictions.

Sorry if that comes off as a bit sarcastic but it is what it is, and really, traveling on my own holds no appeal.

I've got an appointment with the mental health practitioner at my GP on Monday but I'm really not expecting anything beyond the usual happy pills suggestion.

I say, the ideal would be if you spend all your life without medication. No drug influx in your body that seduce your mind. The tough ofcourse is when you are hooked on them, and it's not easy to bring yourself on the cold turkey level. I dunno, change something in your life that at least would take your mind off your problems for a considerable time being. Maybe a new hobby or something. Not necessarily traveling. Though in my experience traveling alleviates my issues a bit.

[Jade Falcon]

I say, the ideal would be if you spend all your life without medication. No drug influx in your body that seduce your mind. The tough ofcourse is when you are hooked on them, and it's not easy to bring yourself on the cold turkey level. I dunno, change something in your life that at least would take your mind off your problems for a considerable time being. Maybe a new hobby or something. Not necessarily traveling. Though in my experience traveling alleviates my issues a bit.

The trouble is that the meds I'm on, most of them are not optional.  I'm on anti-convulsants (Epilim), I'm on blood thinners, Metaformin for diabetes, blood pressure pills and beta blockers to name a few.  I'm also on painkillers for migraines though the strength of those has been lessened as I've been on them for a long time, but a good chunk of them is not really an option.  I've refused anti depressants before as they don't really solve the problem and don't want more pills.

[milstar]

The trouble is that the meds I'm on, most of them are not optional.  I'm on anti-convulsants (Epilim), I'm on blood thinners, Metaformin for diabetes, blood pressure pills and beta blockers to name a few.  I'm also on painkillers for migraines though the strength of those has been lessened as I've been on them for a long time, but a good chunk of them is not really an option.  I've refused anti depressants before as they don't really solve the problem and don't want more pills.

Well, I hope that you'll be well.  Like I said, the ideal life would be without meds, but sometimes it is not meant to be. I had anti-depressants too, but I ditched them as well, as they don't finish the job. As it is, unfortunately, mental issues are the toughest and barely any shrink in existence is a wizard to make  them go away. That is why I said that every man should find something to do, hobby, traveling, creative work, anything that would help 'em ease the pain.

[JayzusB.Christ]

Though everything you mentioned helps, I'd argue that a good CBT therapist is the most effective weapon against depression, or failing that, a good CBT self-help system.  I've said it before, ad nauseum probably, but this book was my introduction to TEAM CBT and I've become somewhat obsessed with the system since. finding it extremely helpful in attacking the underlying beliefs that caused my depression and anxiety.

https://www.amazon.com/Days-Self-Esteem-David-Burns-M-D/dp/0688094554

The therapist I am working with online uses this system - so far it's just been about me pinpointing the exact problems I want to attack and the thoughts / beliefs that have led to them; so I can't really say if the online stuff is effective.  I'll keep you all posted.

Sounds great, JBC. It really is the little things, isn't it? Camp fires are incredible - so many people come to the site and sit around them with drinks and mates. That's been going on for tens of thousands of years and it's still wonderful. If mankind had a symbol, I think the campfire would be it. Raise a tinnie to me the next time you do that, for my spirit will be with you!

I most certainly will.  It was meant to be today, but the Irish weather had other ideas.