Horrible jokes

[Richmond Clements]

A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"

[Bolt-01]

A man wlaks into a chip-shop and asks for a fresh portion of cod.

The assistant replies: It won't be long.

The man answers: Well it better be thick then!

Bolt-01

[Funt Solo]

What's got three legs and goes "woof"?
- Piper Alpha

What's blue and doesn't fit?
- A dead epileptic

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?
- He bought a warehouse

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
- She sold her soul to Santa

Did you hear about the two Spanish firemen?
- Hose A and Hose B

What's red and sits in the corner?
- A naughty bus

[thinky]

what does Speedy Gonzales buy from the carpet shop?

Underlay! Underlay!

thinky

[Wils]

What's blue and fucks old people?

Hypothermia.

[ming]

What's blue and fucks old people?

...or as a friend of mine once had it, "me in me lucky overcoat"

[Carlsborg Expert.]

A man walks into a bar.
OUCH!
It was a metal bar.

[Mike Carroll]

> "What's got four legs and flies?

> A dustbin"

> Surely that should be a Dustbin man?

Er... Surely that should be TWO dustbin men?

Favourite bad joke from when I was a kid:

Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana

-- Mike C

[Tanky]

Q. Wots the difference between a truck load of babies and a truck load of ball bearings?


A. You can't unload the ball bearings with a pitchfork

And there's the one about the lighthouse, but i'm not that bored!
--:)

[Dudley]

A Great White Shark slides into a pub.  The customers flee in terror.  Sensing trouble, the shark says to the barman "It's OK, I'm over 18."

[Wils]

What's grey, sits at the bottom of the bed and takes the piss?


A kidney dialysis machine.

[Richmond Clements]

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says,
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"

[Matt Timson]

Allow me to put you all out of your misery:

What's got four legs and flies?

A dead dog.

[James]

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?

Cliff

What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a swimming pool?

Bob.

What do you call a man who lives under a pile of leaves?

Russel.

What do you call a man who lives in a hole in the grass?

Warren.

[Byron Virgo]

Two strings walk into a bar. The first tries to order something. "I don't serve strings in this bar," the bartender says roughly and throws him out.

The second ruffs himself up, ties his ends together, walks in, and orders. "Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?" the bartender says.

"Yeah," the string says.

"Aren't you a string?" the bartender says.

"I'm a frayed knot," the string replies.