Horrible jokes

[Wils]

What's the smelliest thing in the world?


An anchovy's fanny.

[Max Kon]

Three nuns were at confession

The first said 'I must confess, i kissed a man on the lips last week.'
The priest replied: 'Drink one glass of holy water and your sins shall be forgiven.'
She went off and did this.

The second said 'I must confess, i kissed a man's penis last week.'
The priest replied: 'Drink ten glass of holy water and your sins shall be forgiven.'
She went off and did this

The priest turned to the last nun and said: 'And did you do?'
And she replied: 'I pissed in the holy water'

[Funt Solo]

Substitute Sam for Johnny and Lars for Wulf...

[Mike Carroll]

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court on Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles and told them the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" the judge said to the second boy.

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?"

"Well, I used a similar approach. I also used two circles. I pointed to the small circle and said, 'This is your asshole before prison...' "

[Banners]

The star of Knight Rider and Baywatch goes into a bar and says to the barman, "Hi, get me a beer."

Noticing the barman is a little star-struck and wanting to avoid further attention he continues, "Please, just call me Mr Hoff".
 
And the barman says "Sure thing, David, No Hassle".

M@

[Woolly]

Why do girls wear make-up and perfume?



Because they're ugly and they smell!

[Noisybast]

Q:  Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot his whole life, which created an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from very bad breath. This made him... what?


A:  A super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

[Adrian Bamforth]

Q: How do you give a woman an orgasm?

A: Who cares?

ADE

[Tiplodocus]

I do, ladies, I do.

[Conexus]

'Q: How do you give a woman an orgasm?

A: Who cares?'

But why would Who care? He's completely asexual(with the assistants at least - he might pop  round Gallifrey to visit a Time lady of the night during down time though... ;) )

[Noisybast]

There was a jewish kid on the news the other night that was born without eyelids.
They had to use the leftover skin from his circumcision to make new eyelids.

They say he's OK, just a little cock-eyed...

[Carlsborg Expert]

Q;"Have you got a dictophone?"


A;"No, I use my finger."

[Conexus]

it's Q.Do you use a dictaphone?
     A. No,my fingers

[Conexus]

Or,
Q;"Have you got a dictophone?"

A;"Yes, I'm just about to dump my boyfriend."

[Conexus]

Or,
Q;"Have you got a dictophone?"

A;"Not now we're talking face to face."