Liverpool city centre was brought to a standstill this morning when a suspicious object was seen inside a parked van. The object transpired to be a tax disk.
.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles
What did Arnie say when he was invited to a fancy dress party with a musical theme?
I'll be Bach
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anybody can roast beef...
Why did the baker have smelly hands? He was kneading a poo.
What's green and smells? Tharg's bum.
What's Beethoven's 5th favourite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaa!
What's green and lets you do anything?
Permit the Frog
Two Mallards walk into a Bar, the third one Ducks.
Cheers
Two nuns on a park bench, when a streaker runs past.
One has a stroke, the other can't reach!
Two nuns are riding bikes through the backstreets. "I've never come this way before," says the first nun. "Neither have I," says the second, "it must be the cobbles."
A man walks into a bar...
...ouch
A guy walks into an off license in North Belfast, buys a bottle of wine and heads for the counter. There, is the usual wee bottle blonde lassie of about 17, slouching behind the counter, chewing gum and on the mobile to her mate. The guy stands for a while and eventually the girl deigns to notice him. So with a sigh and roll of the eyes, she puts the mobile down and totes up his bill. "That'll be 10.66 mister" she snaps. The guy is fairly clever and atttempts some drollery: "ah, 10.66" says he "Battle of Hastings". The wee girl looks at him as if he is from Pluto and after a few moments confused pause, retorts: "we don't sell no battles of Hastings in here". Z
Did you hear about the constipated Mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.....
Who is this Rorschach guy and why does he keep drawing pictures of my parents fighting?
What do you give poorly pig?
Oinment.
Will Will Smith smith?
Will Smith will smith.
A guy walks into the doctor's surgery with mashed potatoes in his hair, diced carrots in one ear, corned beef in the other year, a Yorkshire pudding up one nostril, half a dozen chips up the other, pieces of sweetcorn under his eyelids and gravy all over his forehead.
.
"Doctor..." the guy begins, but the Doctor holds up his hand for silence.
.
"No need to explain, I know exactly what's wrong with you," the Doctor says. "You're not eating properly."
'Doctor, I keep thinking I'm Tom Jones!'
'It's not unusual...'
Why has Edward Woodward got 4 Ds in his name?
'Cos otherwise he'd be Ewar Woowar
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eyed deer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no eyed deer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no genitals?
Still no fucking eyed deer.
ok, I'll trot out my old favourite again:
Mouse goes into a music shop, hops on the counter and asks for a mouse organ
"That's odd" says the shopkeeper, "I had a mouse in here this morning asking for a mouse organ"
"Oh yes," replies the mouse, "That'd be our Monica"
A ship sinks in the Mediterranean, and the only survivors are a man, a dog, and a pig. The unlikely trio wash up on the shore of a small desert island and settle in to their new lives as best they can. As days turn into weeks, the man becomes ever more grateful for the company of the two faithful animals - probably all that has prevented him from going insane. As weeks become months, his attachment takes on unhealthy overtones. Loneliness gnaws away at him constantly, and try as he might to resist, the pig begins to look increasingly attractive to him.
Finally he can resist no longer and tries to get romantic - but the dog immediately gets between them, barking, snapping and growling, and the man's frustration goes on. The pattern is the same for weeks - every time the man tries to get intimate with the pig, the jealous dog puts a stop to it. The man is in a constant bad mood, and life on the island becomes tense.
Then one day they see a ship sink some way out to sea. The man dives into the water, swims out and manages to rescue a young woman. By the time she stands dripping on the beach the man is able to get a proper look at her, and is bowled over by her beauty. Her sodden clothes are little better than rags, and cling to every curve and swell of her gorgeous body. The girl is beside herself with gratitude, and begs him, with shining ruby lips, to tell her if there is anything - anything - she can do for the man who saved her life.
As he looks into her adorable doe-like eyes, blinking at him through long dark lashes, the man thinks for just a minute, and says, 'Well... can you take the dog for a walk?'
Why should you not wear Ukrainian made underpants?
Because Chernobyl fallout.
The owner of a doner kebab shop goes to the doctor.
The doctor asks, 'How do you feel?'
The man replies, 'I falafel.'
Back from a long and arduous voyage, the Sailor calls home and a young boy answers the 'phone.
.
"Hello, son," the Sailor says. "Is your Mum in?"
.
"She's in bed with Uncle John," the boy says.
.
"You what?!"
.
"It's true! They always go to bed on a Wednesday afternoon and I have to sit quietly downstairs and watch cartoons."
.
The Sailor fumes. All those months on the high seas, braving storms and mountainous waves, risking his life in the cold and the roaring dark to send money home and she's sleeping with my brother? That's just not on!
.
"Son," the Sailor says, "go into your mother's bedroom and tell her you've just seen your dad coming down the street with his kit-bag and his harpoon."
.
"Okay - hang on a minute!" The boy throws down the 'phone and runs off on his errand. The Sailor waits, and waits, and waits until, finally, the boy picks up the 'phone again, breathless with emotion.
.
"He, he, he, that was funny!" the boy pants. "I did what you said and Uncle John shot out of bed, picked up his clothes and tried to run while he was putting his pants on, tripped over the cat, fell out of the window, landed on the patio on his head and cracked it open so his brain fell out!
.
"Then Mummy screamed and ran down the stairs to the patio but she got tangled up in her own whip and slipped on Uncle John's brain, cracked her head on a gnome and fell into the swimming pool face down and she's not moving and the bubbles have stopped and the water's gone all pink and I don't know what to do..."
.
"Swimming pool?!" the sailor ejaculates. "Swimming pool...? Er, is that Southampton 4131...?"
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
A ship containing red paint has collided with a ship containing blue paint.
.
Both crews have been marooned.
What's brown and sneaks around the house at Christmas?
Mince spies!
It is much less dangerous in Santa's Toy factory this year.
He has introduced new Elf n Safety rules. Z
"My Zombie's got no Nose."
"How does he smell?"
"He doesn't! But somehow his Eyes and Ears still work?!"
Cheers
Two fishes are in a tank. One fish says to the other fish... Do you know how to drive this thing?
Two parrots stood on a perch. One says to the other: "Can you smell fish?"
A man turns up to a fancy dress party wearing a green jumpsuit, with a woman clinging onto his back.
"Who are you supposed to be?" asks the host.
"I'm a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle." the man explains.
"Well, who's this?" asks the host gesturing towards the woman.
The man replies, "It's Michelle."
A Higgs Boson walks into a church and the priest shouts, "Hoy, you! Get out! We don't want your kind in here!"
.
"But why?" asks the Higgs Boson, "You know you can't have mass without me..."
What do you call a leper in a hot tub......
Stew!
What do you call a Judge with no thumbs...
Justice Fingers!!
There's a ship wreck and the only two survivors are Dave and Cindy Crawford.
Over the years, as they struggle to survive on the desert island, the two develop a deep and mutual appreciation of each other that leads to love.
More years pass and one night, as they gaze wistfully at the stars, and think how lucky they are to have survived, to have found each other, and, despite being cast away from their families and friends, how they have found happiness, Cindy asks, "Dave, I'm really happy with our love life but I want to make sure that you are too. Is there anything that you would like me to do?"
Dave thinks a while and says, "If you wouldn't mind, could you please dress as a man this evening?"
Cindy is slightly taken aback but, keen to please the man she loves deeply, agrees.
She returns to the campfire dressed in a pair of Dave's trousers, a shirt and has even fashioned a false moustache from some coconut matting.
Dave smiles appreciatively. "What's your name?", he asks.
"It's... er.... Bob", replies Cindy.
He winks at her.
"Well, Bob. You'll never guess who I've been shagging."
The only survivors of a diplomatic 'plane crash, the three ex-presidents of the United States trudge through the blazing Iraqi desert.
.
"Hey, lookie here, y'all," says President Carter, retrieving a dull brass object from the sand. "Looks like a gen-ewe-whine magic lamp!"
.
"Ooh, rub it, rub it!" says President Clinton lasciviously, stroking his thighs with the palms of his hands.
.
"Ah do believe Ah will," said President Carter and buffed at the old lamp with a stained napkin he'd once managed to steal off Air Force One.
.
CILLITTAH-POOF! A Djinn appears and is so happy to be free at last that he grants each of the three ex-presidents one wish apiece.
.
"That's easy," says President Carter, "Ah wish Ah was back home on ma peanut farm, sippin' a cool one on ma porch with ma best gal on ma knee!"
.
CILLITTAH-BANG! And the ex-president is gone!
.
The Djinn turns to President Clinton who says, with a glint in his eye, "I wanna' be in the showers with the Washington All-Girls Beach Volleyball Team, a keg of German beer, a crate of French wine and Hilary nowhere to be seen!"
.
CILLITTAH-BANG! And the ex-president is gone!
.
The Djinn turns to the last ex-president, who is lost in thought. "Jeez, I just dunno," says George Doubya, "I wish Jimmy and Bill were here, they'd help me decide..."
.
So - myself, Tordelback and Jim_Cameron are all killed in a freak accident when a YouTube video reverses into the forum, causing the Political Thread to collapse while we're all still in it. So, up we all waft to Heaven.
.
Being an idiot, I go up to the Pearly Gates first. "Name?" St Peter asks me. I tell him and he runs his quill down the list of names in his ledger. He turns the page and starts again, then goes back to the first page again before retrieving another, very much fatter, ledger from his desk drawer. He flicks through the pages and finally settles on one. "Hmm," he says.
.
"'Hmm'?" I ask, "what do you mean, 'hmm'? What the fuck is 'hmm'?"
.
"Well," says St Peter sadly, "you're a borderline case - very borderline. In fact, I should really turn you away..."
.
"Now, let's not be hasty," I plead, "I've been bad but I was never properly evil, was I? I cried for days after I poisoned that goat, didn't I?" He checks the ledger and nods and so I continue. "Come on - Pete - there must be a way!"
.
"Well," says St Peter, "there is a way in for you but it entails being chained to the most po-faced, hatchet-nosed, sharp-mouthed, sour-tempered, hideous old crone you can imagine for all Eternity. Either that or... the Other Place."
.
"Deal me in!" I say, and am chained to Magda - who hates, and is hated by, everything - but once through the Pearly Gates, Heaven's wonders before me at last, all seems worth it.
.
I'm wandering through the comic blossoms, trying to ignore Magda's incessant, phleghmy complaining when I see Tordelback wandering the same graphic orchard looking for the Star Wars bushes and chained to Magda's marginally prettier twin sister, Mogda.
.
"Only just get in?" I ask, and Tordelback nods sadly. "Never mind," I say, and we go off looking for the Star Wars bushes and the Strontium Dogweed together. We are just browsing through an unexpectedly interesting Manga Meadow when we spot, way over behind the D.C. Hedgerows, Jim_Cameron - but something's not right.
.
Tordelback and I squint and then we both see it at the same time - tied to Jim's wrist with a length of soft velvet rope is Zoe Saldana! Well, Tordels and I are not having that so we go straight back to St Peter to complain.
.
Being an idiot, I do all the talking. "Now, look here, my good saint, this is not on! Here's us two, Tordels and me, chained to this fetid pair of warty lumps for the rest of forever and - who do we see out there? Jim_bloody_Campbel, that's who! And he's tied - not chained, mind, like us two poor sods - tied with a velvet rope to Zoe Saldana! I mean, what the fuck, man?"
.
"Well, that Zoe," said St Peter, shaking his head sadly, "she only just got in..."
.
*no offence, Tordels and Jim - just a bit of fun!*
.
D.P. Removed.
A Giraffe, a Sausage and a tin of Beans walk into a Bar.
The Guy behind the bar decides there and then that he's never taking Acid again!
Cheers
A horse walks into a bar
The Bar Manager leads it out because it has no place there.
What did Batman say to Robin before he got in the car?
Get in the car.
One of my favourite anti-jokes
Good to see Shark and Tordel are new besties. I'm glad he used Jim Cameron in the joke and not Our own inestimable Jim Campbell.
Anyway....what's the difference between a police car and a hedgehog?
On a hedgehog the pricks are on the outside. Z
Two parrots sitting on a perch, one turns to the other and asks, 'Can you smell fish?'
Englishman, Irishman, and Scotsman walk into a bar, bartender says, 'what's this, some kinda joke?'
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
How do you know who the bride is at a Belfast wedding?
She's the one in the white tracksuit. Z
Why are pirates pirates?
Cause they aaaaaaaaare.
What do you do if you see your girlfriend staggering around the garden?
Reload.
How did they invent copper wire?
Two Scotsmen fighting over a penny.
Three horses were in a bar discussing their last race. One said he was totally knackered half way through and was ready to stop, but he'd felt a sharp sting in his flank and became totally revitalised and won the race by 3 lengths. The other two horses were flabbergasted and didn't know what to make of it all.
At this stage a dog at the other end of the bar butted in and explained that the horse had been darted with a performance enhancing drug and thus won.
The three horses looked at each other askance and one of them proclaimed.
'fucking hell, a talking dog!' Z
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns Christian and Justin, were swimming around in the sea The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted" and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark", came the reply. Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."
Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed."
"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again, Christian!"
A pair of shoes land up to the pearly gates and are (as with Shark, Tordel and Jim C) stopped by St Peter.
St Peter just shakes his head, laughs and dismissively tells the shoes to piss off out of it.
The shoes are somewhat affronted and demand that God be contacted to give the final opinion.
After a bit of a 'discussion ', St Peter picks up the pearly handled phone and rings God.
God says: 'let them on in'. St Peter is incredulous and says 'what....why?'
God says: 'shoes have soles too'. Z
Where do Cows like to go on a date?
To the Moooooo-vies !
What's funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby in a clown suit.
Motorway walks into a bar, says ''Gimme a fucking pint with a whiskey chaser, and hurry up''. Barman reply's, ''Hey, no need to be rude man...'' Motorway cut's him off, saying ''Just gimme the fucking drinks, I'm hard as fuck, don't mess with me!'' ''Okay, okay!'' says the barman, and fixes the drinks.
Dual Carriageway walks in, says ''Hey ugly, gimme a jack and coke, make it a double, quick smart!'' Barman says, ''Hey man, c'mon, manners cost noth...'' Dual Carriageway cuts him off....''Just hurry up asshole, don't piss me off, I'm hard as fuck!!'' The barman, not wanting any trouble, fixes the drinks as asked.
A wee skinny strip of orange tarmac walks into the bar. Immediately, both the Motorway and Dual Carriageway leap over the bar and hide. Barman says, ''Hey, what's going on? I thought you two were hard as fuck, what you hiding for?''
''Hey, we don't wanna mess with him, he's a cycle path!!''
two gentlemen of the road ,mick and jeff are enjoying a pint in a local country pub when a man staggers in wrestling with a large salmon, he puts it on the bar and the landlord gives him £20 and off he trots. Mick and jeff think nothing of this til they next frequent the pub and the same man comes in with a fish bigger than the one he sold previously the landlord gives him £40 and he goes off with a spring in his step.
now,mick and jeff aren't the brightest buttons in the box but they recognise the potential for some beer money and ask the landlord what the deal is.
"well,they are such big fish I can double if not treble me money with all the coach parties coming through here so I'd be mad not to take them" says the landlord (who we will call colin.
"so if we were to catch one would ye buy it from us as well?" asks jeff.
"aye" says colin," I can never have enough ,only poacher john cant get me as many as I'd like"
"hang on" says mick in a fit of enlightenment," we don't have a rod or the cash to buy one"
" not a problem" interjects colin," poacher john uses an old poachers trick ,he just waits on the bridge and when they come along, leans over and hooks them out of the water, smacks them with a stick and done!"
mick and jeff put their coats on and set off...
when they find a bridge that looks suitable mick leans over with jeff hanging on to his legs and wait expectantly...
15 minutes in,nothing
30 minutes later ,still nowt
after an hour jeffs arms are getting tired when suddenly mick starts shouting excitedly "JEFF! PULL ME UP!"
"why? have ye got one?" he asks
"NO" replies mick "THERES A FUCKING TRAIN COMING!!!"
Julian and Sandy go to the fun fair. Julian wants to go on the rollercoaster but Sandy flatly refuses, saying that it doesn't look safe and he wouldn't go on it for all the mince in 'Frisco. So Julian goes on the rollercoaster on his own.
.
Just as Julian's beginning his fourth circuit, the whole structure collapses in a thunder of chaos. Sandy, beside himself, runs over to his friend who is lying, twisted and bloody, in the mangled wreckage.
.
"Julian!" shouts Sandy, "Oh Julian! Are you hurt?"
.
"Hurt?" Julian asks, "Hurt? Of course I'm bloody hurt! Three damned times I went 'round and you never waved once!"
All the superheroes are throwing a birthday party for Superman but the Man of Steel himself is late. Eventually, though, he sweeps in through the window with a cheery grin.
.
"Sorry I'm late, everyone," he said, "I was just off saving the Earth."
.
"I'm sure," growled Batman darkly.
.
"It's true!" Superman said. "Great big asteroid fell out of the Neutral Zone not half an hour ago - I had to smash it up."
.
"And that took you half an hour?" purred Catwoman sceptically.
.
"Well no, not exactly. You see, there were traces of Kryptonite in the asteroid so after I smashed it up I was a bit tired and slipped for a quick forty winks on the moon."
.
"Ha! So you overslept, you primary-coloured goldbricker!" said Nick Fury, who had been invited in error.
.
Superman was indignant at this suggestion. "Certainly not," he said, "I awoke in plenty of time and decided to take the scenic route home through Africa and that's where I saw her."
.
"Saw who?" demanded the Green Lantern, edging away from Superman's yellow S.
.
"Wonder Woman," said Superman dreamily. "In a secluded glade, spread eagled on her back, nothing on except her headband, obviously wrapped up in a steamy daydream. Well, I couldn't resist, could I? Off with the tights and in there, faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than an express..."
.
"Holy inappropriate!" ejaculated Robin excitedly, punching his fist into his palm in a way that was really starting to get on Batman's nerves, "didn't she mind?"
.
"Not a bit of it," the Last Son of Krypton grinned sheepishly, "but the Invisible Man was furious..."
We just had carol singers at the door. Brass band, the works. The music was good but the singers awful. They kept dribbling everywhere.
It was the Salivation Army.
What do you call someone holding Noddy?
Noddy Holder.
Sorry, I just made that up
At the emergency communications centre, the operator receives a breathless call.
.
"Emergency, how can I help you, caller?"
.
"I was out in the woods, hunting with my boss, when all of a sudden he just gasped, clutched his chest and fell to the floor! He's all white and he isn't moving and I don't know what to do!!"
.
"Okay, caller, try to remain calm."
.
"But I don't know what to do!"
.
"Well, the first thing to do is make sure if he's dead."
.
"Okay," says the caller. There is a brief silence over the line broken by the sudden explosion of a gunshot. "Right," continues the caller, "what next?"
.
(you may have heard this before)
A bear and a rabbit were having a poo in the woods.
The bear turned to the rabbit and asked 'Do you have problems with poo sticking to your fur?'
'No' said the rabbit.
So the bear wiped his arse with the rabbit.
Johnny Alpha, Halo Jones and John Probe walk into a respectable bar.
.
"Get out!" shouts the barkeep, "This ain't no strip joint!"
My wife just told me that she wants me to stop doing my impersonation of a flamingo.
I'm going to have to put my foot down.
I just read that there are only eleven types of people in the world; those who understand Roman numerals and those who don't.
There are, in fact, only 10 types of person in the world. Those who understand binary and those who don't.
There are two types of people in the world - those that can extrapolate from incomplete data
2 bits of string walk into a bar.
''2 pints please barman'' says string 1.
''Fuck off, we don't serve bits of string!!' Says the barman.
Dejected, they leave. On the way out, they meet their pal, another piece of string.
''What's up with you two?'' asks string 3
''That bar won't serve us, say's he won't sell bevvy to bits of string.'' Says string 2.
''Oh really?'' says string 3.
He lays down, and contorts his slender form back and around on himself. Once he is pleased with the knotted form he has made, he them began unravelling his own threads at one end, until they were an unruly mass of fibres. With a steely determination in his eye, he heads into the bar.
''Three pints barman'' says string 3.
''Look, I told yer mates, now I'm telling you, I don't serve bits of string!'' Says the barman.
''Aha, but I'm not a bit of string'' says string 3 with confidence.
''Look, I know string when I see it, and you're clearly a bit of string, aren't you??'' questions the barman....
With a grin string 3 replies....''No, I'm a frayed knot''
She said, "you've only got a small organ, haven't you?"
.
I said, "yes - but it's never played in a cathedral before."
The Great Crocco has brought his act to the Village Hall.
.
"Ladies and Gentlemen," the Great Crocco announces, "allow me to introduce Cedric, a 22 foot Nile crocodile - one of the fiercest creatures on Earth, who I have tamed!"
.
To prove his claim, the Great Crocco gets his penis out, lays it in the crocodile's mouth and gently closes its jaws so that its cruel teeth rest on his todger. Then he produces a large mallet and thwacks Cedric on the head with all his might. He then opens Cedric's jaws again and displays his undamaged willy to the astounded audience.
.
"Now," the Great Crocco says, "does anyone else want to try that?"
.
There is a long pause and then a little old woman at the back tentatively raises her hand. "I'll have a go," she says, "so long as you don't hit me on the head so hard..."
A horse walks into a restaurant and says 'Hay, waiter.'
Quote from: JayzusB.Christ on 18 December, 2014, 06:19:26 PM
A horse walks into a restaurant and says 'Hay, waiter.'
and the waiter says "Why the long face?"
A termite walks into a bar and asks "Is the bar tender here?"
A baby seal walks into a club.
A guy walks into a bar with a duck under one arm and a biscuit tin under the other. The barman is about to throw him out when the guy sets the biscuit tin on the bar and places the duck on top of it. To everyone's amazement, the duck begins to dance.
.
"That's brilliant," the barman says. "If I had that dancing duck, people would flock from miles around to see it - I could make a fortune. You want to sell it?"
.
The guy thinks about this for a moment before saying, reluctantly, "Well, I'd be loathe to see him go but I am skint. Still, I couldn't possibly let him go for less than £500."
.
"It's a deal!" the barman says and pays the guy out of the till. The transaction completed, the guy says a tearful goodbye to the dancing duck and goes home.
.
Just after midnight, the guy receives a 'phone call from the now frustrated barman. "This dancing duck is great," he says, "but the damned thing won't stop dancing and it's driving me nuts! Please - tell me how to make it stop!"
.
"That's easy," says the guy. "Just take the lid off the biscuit tin and blow the candles out."
Kitty and Daisy, devout and elderly spinster sisters of the Parish, are out for a stroll along the High Street, enjoying the Christmas bustle, when Kitty suddenly points to a man with a beard.
.
"I recognise him from somewhere," says Kitty. "Oh now, where on Earth have I seen him before?"
.
"He looks like the Bishop of Durham," says Daisy, "on his day off."
.
"No," says Kitty, "it can't be - can it?"
.
"Well, just go over and ask him," says Daisy.
.
And so Kitty does just that. She walks up to the man with the beard and says, very politely, "Excuse me, Sir. Please forgive the intrusion but my sister and I were wondering if you might be the Bishop of Durham?"
.
The man scowls down at Kitty and barks, "f*ck off!"
.
"Well?" Daisy asks as Kitty returns, "Did you ask him?"
.
"Yes," says Kitty. "He told me to f*ck off."
.
"That's a shame," says Daisy, "now we'll Never know."
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
.
Tinselitis.
My wife once informed me that she thought sex was always better when you're on holiday. That must've been the worst postcard I ever received.
Dear Marjorie Proops, when I was 17 and I woke up in the morning my willy was hard and I couldn't bend it. Now I am 87 and when I wake up in the morning my willy is still hard but I can bend it. Am I getting stronger?
One of my all time favourites.
What's brown and lies steaming under a piano stool?
Beethoven's last movement.
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
because 7 8 9
A three-legged dog slouches into the saloon and says, 'I'm lookin' fer th' man who shot ma paw.'
.
Why dd the ploughman crack an egg?
He needed a yoke.
This just in:
A man widely believed to be the world's greatest receiver of stolen goods was found dead today.
It is believed that he fell off the back of a lorry.
What do you get when you combine a turtle and a flu jab?
A slow poke.
Two bankers, Ben and George, are walking down the street when they spot a gang of skinheads rocking towards them.
.
"Gee," says Ben, "looks like we're going to get mugged here."
.
"I think you're right," says George, "here's that fifty quid I owe you."
Quote from: The Legendary Shark on 29 January, 2015, 04:06:27 PM
Two bankers, Ben and George, are walking down the street when they spot a gang of skinheads rocking towards them.
.
"Gee," says Ben, "looks like we're going to get mugged here."
.
"I think you're right," says George, "here's that fifty quid I owe you."
I thought that was going to go another way:
Two bankers are walking down the street when they spot a gang of skinheads rocking towards them.
.
"Gee," says Ben, "looks like we're going to get mugged here."
.
"I think you're right," says the other skinhead
Quote from: Dandontdare on 29 January, 2015, 04:14:37 PM
Quote from: The Legendary Shark on 29 January, 2015, 04:06:27 PM
Two bankers, Ben and George, are walking down the street when they spot a gang of skinheads rocking towards them.
.
"Gee," says Ben, "looks like we're going to get mugged here."
.
"I think you're right," says George, "here's that fifty quid I owe you."
I thought that was going to go another way:
Two bankers are walking down the street when they spot a gang of skinheads rocking towards them.
.
"Gee," says Ben, "looks like we're going to get mugged here."
.
"I think you're right," says the other skinhead
:D
Quote from: JayzusB.Christ on 02 February, 2015, 08:43:47 PM
Quote from: Dandontdare on 29 January, 2015, 04:14:37 PM
Quote from: The Legendary Shark on 29 January, 2015, 04:06:27 PM
Two bankers, Ben and George, are walking down the street when they spot a gang of skinheads rocking towards them.
.
"Gee," says Ben, "looks like we're going to get mugged here."
.
"I think you're right," says George, "here's that fifty quid I owe you."
I thought that was going to go another way:
Two bankers are walking down the street when they spot a gang of skinheads rocking towards them.
.
"Gee," says Ben, "looks like we're going to get mugged here."
.
"I think you're right," says the other skinhead
:D
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
I like both, but the second is particularly effective.
Yes - the second one is a lot better.
I went to court the other day over a parking ticket. (You know me, right?) When it came my turn to take the stand, I filled the court with torrents of eloquent reason, witty logic and antiquated vocabulary, all delivered in Mosesesque tones from the moral high ground.
.
The judge was unimpressed. "Mr Falcon," he said, "you have admitted, several times, to parking in Shitebridge Lane. Why don't you just be quiet and pay up? I mean, didn't you read the sign?"
.
"Of course I did," I blustered, "it said 'fine for parking.'"
A wee yank is taking his girlfriend to prom.
"What do you want to do for prom?" Says he.
"Y'all have to wearing a tux!" Says she, "I want tibby picked up in a limo,and yuh hafta bring me flowers!"
She leans in and whispers, "I wanna get drunk too!"
So the guy goes to the tailors. There's a lot of fellas getting suits, so he has no choice but to join the tuxline.
Next he goes to rent a limo. There's a lot of fellas getting limos, so he has no choice but but to join the limoline.
His patience stretched, he goes to get some flowers. Wouldn't ye know it, there's a lotta fellas getting flowers, so he joins the flowerline.
He thinks to himself, 'I've got the suit, the car, and the flowers, now I just need some vodka!'
So he goes to the liquor store. There's a lotta fellas gettin' vodka, so he has no choice but to join the vodkaline.
Eventually, he and his date arrive.
"Y'all look so smart" says she, "dressed in yer tux, bringin' me flowers and makin' sure I arrive in style!"
She's clearly impressed.
"Now take that bottle of vodka a spike the punch" she boldly whispers.
So he goes to spike the punch. There is no punchline.
Quote from: Doctor Pops on 10 June, 2015, 12:25:18 AM
A wee yank is taking his girlfriend to prom.
"What do you want to do for prom?" Says he.
"Y'all have to wearing a tux!" Says she, "I want tibby picked up in a limo,and yuh hafta bring me flowers!"
She leans in and whispers, "I wanna get drunk too!"
So the guy goes to the tailors. There's a lot of fellas getting suits, so he has no choice but to join the tuxline.
Next he goes to rent a limo. There's a lot of fellas getting limos, so he has no choice but but to join the limoline.
His patience stretched, he goes to get some flowers. Wouldn't ye know it, there's a lotta fellas getting flowers, so he joins the flowerline.
He thinks to himself, 'I've got the suit, the car, and the flowers, now I just need some vodka!'
So he goes to the liquor store. There's a lotta fellas gettin' vodka, so he has no choice but to join the vodkaline.
Eventually, he and his date arrive.
"Y'all look so smart" says she, "dressed in yer tux, bringin' me flowers and makin' sure I arrive in style!"
She's clearly impressed.
"Now take that bottle of vodka a spike the punch" she boldly whispers.
So he goes to spike the punch. There is no punchline.
Who the f*ck is tibby?
Quote from: Doctor Pops on 10 June, 2015, 12:25:18 AM
A wee yank is taking his girlfriend to prom.
"What do you want to do for prom?" Says he.
"Y'all have to wearing a tux!" Says she, "I want tibby picked up in a limo,and yuh hafta bring me flowers!"
She leans in and whispers, "I wanna get drunk too!"
So the guy goes to the tailors. There's a lot of fellas getting suits, so he has no choice but to join the tuxline.
Next he goes to rent a limo. There's a lot of fellas getting limos, so he has no choice but but to join the limoline.
His patience stretched, he goes to get some flowers. Wouldn't ye know it, there's a lotta fellas getting flowers, so he joins the flowerline.
He thinks to himself, 'I've got the suit, the car, and the flowers, now I just need some vodka!'
So he goes to the liquor store. There's a lotta fellas gettin' vodka, so he has no choice but to join the vodkaline.
Eventually, he and his date arrive.
"Y'all look so smart" says she, "dressed in yer tux, bringin' me flowers and makin' sure I arrive in style!"
She's clearly impressed.
"Now take that bottle of vodka a spike the punch" she boldly whispers.
So he goes to spike the punch. There is no punchline.
I'm so glad this thread is back. Though my wife is looking at little concerned about the snorting laughing noise I've just been making. GOLD sir Gold I says.
Why does Barbie never get pregnant?
Because Ken always comes in a different box.
What's the difference between a penis and a bonus
Your wife will always blow your bonus.
A vampire walks into a bar and asks the barman for a cup of hot water.
"Hot water?" the barman says in surprise, "i thought you vamps preferred blood..?"
"We do," says the vampire, producing a used tampon from inside his coat, "I'm having tea..."
I believe you may have bypassed your good taste chip...
he could've taken it to the Antiques Roadshow to find out what period it comes from...
(Sorry, I'm channeling my inner 12 year old!)
Why do Morris Dancers wear bells?
So they can annoy the blind as well
What singer never spills food down his shirt?
Napkin Cole
I was given a toilet brush for Christmas but it's not doing the job for me. Looks like I'm going to have to throw it away and go back to tissue.
Thinnest books in the world: Scottish investment guide,Albanian phonebook,Italian heroic stories and Belgian military history.
I've got a new dog that can do magic tricks.
It's a labracadabrador.
A Brummy goes to a tailors to get himself a new suit for an interview.
"What are you after?" the tailor asks him.
"Well, I need a jacket, trousers, shirt and tie," the Brummy replies.
"Kipper tie?" the tailor asks.
"No thanks, I prefer coffee."
Yay, the joke thread's back
man goes to the doctor with a chip up one nostril, a carrot up the other, gravy in his hair and peas behind his ear. The doc takes one look and says "I know your problem - you're not eating properly"
When we were going around Tesco this morning my girlfriend came right out and accused me of being lazy. I was so upset I nearly fell out of the trolley.
My friend invited me 'round to meet his new Thai bride last night and she's absolutely gorgeous. I couldn't keep my eyes off her and kept thinking to myself, "don't get an erection, don't get an erection, don't get an erection..."
But, unfortunately, she did.
Why can't dinosaurs clap their hands?
[spoiler]Because they're all fucking dead.[/spoiler]
Nigel Farage.
An Irish man walks out of a bar.
What's brown and rhymes with snoop?
[spoiler]Dr Dre[/spoiler]
When I was working in A&E I saw a chap who said he had been cleaning his house in the nude (as you do) and had slipped and a vibrator had gone up his arse (as they do).
I examined him and said:
"The bad news is I can't get it out, the good news is I've managed to put new batteries in for you."
Which rock group has four members that can't sing at all?
[spoiler]Mount Rushmore[/spoiler]
I'm so embarrassed, I just got a letter from Screwfix. Apparently they're not a dating agency...
A lord comes home early and hears some weird noises from the bedroom,so he call the butler.
-James,fetch me my sword.
He walks in,you hear a swoosh and a scream and he walks out.
-James,get a bandage for the gentleman and a corkscrew for the lady.
That took me a while, but i got there in the end. Sweet Jesus 😨
Quote from: JayzusB.Christ on 27 March, 2017, 11:30:53 AM
That took me a while, but i got there in the end. Sweet Jesus 😨
(https://media0.giphy.com/media/FyYsbRWjQqpva/200_s.gif)
Quote from: Hawkmumbler on 25 March, 2017, 06:03:51 PM
An Irish man walks out of a bar.
Oh come on. At least make it believable!
I had a friend who used to fantasise about getting run over by a steam train.
When it finally happened he was chuffed to bits.
Not a joke, but a story that amused me.
A few years ago, a friend of mine went to the cinema. When he attempted to get some popcorn, he was told that they'd sold out. When he expressed incredulity that a cinema would run out of such a basic commodity, the woman behind the counter responded with a completely straight face: "Yeah. We're running short. There was a fire at the popcorn factory."*
*I googled it. There was!
How do you know if a politician is lying?
His lips are moving.
Whats the difference between virgin olive oil, and regular olive oil?
[spoiler]Popeye's cock.[/spoiler]
What do you call a thousand lawyers at the bottom of the English Channel?
[spoiler]A poor start.[/spoiler]
and ...
How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
[spoiler]A fish.[/spoiler]
What dae ye call a guy wae paper troosers?
[spoiler]Russel.[/spoiler]
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
[spoiler] No idea[/spoiler]
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
[spoiler]Still no idea[/spoiler]
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no genitals?
[spoiler]Still no fucking idea[/spoiler]
A guy with a salmon under his arm walks into a fishmonger's shop and asks, "Do you make fishcakes?"
"Of course," says the fishmonger.
"Excellent," says the guy, "it's his birthday!"
Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.One of them said, "I'm the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."
One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's President of the United States!"
What a weekend I had! I broke my record for continuous sex; 1 hour and 2 minutes.
Then I realised the clocks had gone forward.
I was at the baths today and decided to have a sneaky pee in the deep end.
The life-guard must have noticed though - he blew his whistle so loud I nearly fell in.
Definition from BBC Radio 4's brilliant I'm Sorry, I Haven't a Clue:
Countryside - the murder of Piers Morgan.
Quote from: The Legendary Shark on 16 April, 2017, 12:55:59 PM
Definition from BBC Radio 4's brilliant I'm Sorry, I Haven't a Clue:
Countryside - the murder of Piers Morgan.
Do like that show at the best of times but that is particularly funny!
'Twas delivered by Stephen Fry to wild applause, the audience still reeling from his cryogenic - being photographed and coming out looking like Barry.
I do so love that programme - the loss of Humph was hard to bear. Jack does a good job but HL is still the king.
Why can't you get a pint in North Korea?
They only serve the supreme litre
I don't like to use Latin or Greek in speech or writing. I find it a bit narcissistic.
Back in the day,a priest working over some pagan:
-You know,you could come to the church,just to see whats it about...
-Sorry,on Sundays I pay my respect to my ancestors.
-Couldn't you do that in a church?
-I could,but I don't have any ancestors from Israel.
At Ely folk festival yesterday wearing my ABC Warriors t-shirt and a chap at a stall said
"I've always thought that ABC Warriors sounds like a support band for DEF Leopard."
Took me a moment or two.
;)
Why does noddy wear a hat with bells on it?
'coz he's a c@nt
Just as the duck was about to cross the road the chicken shouted, "Stop - or you'll never hear the end of it!"
Quote from: The Legendary Shark on 10 July, 2017, 06:38:10 PM
Just as the duck was about to cross the road the chicken shouted, "Stop - or you'll never hear the end of it!"
HaHa!
Don't give up the day job...whatever that is...
My girlfriend lets me lick anything off her and I love it. Butter, jam, cheese, you name it she lets me lick it off her.............She's a cracker!
(https://scontent-ams3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/fr/cp0/e15/q65/20046605_850098915139015_4364171867083810266_n.jpg?efg=eyJpIjoiYiJ9&oh=e5531a2c0dc16df647176e041a55ac70&oe=5A0F7C0E)
A husband goes on a vacation ahead of his wife,and sends her an email to tell her hes arrived safely and all all that.But he messes up the address and the message arrives to a recent widow.
Her kids find her passed out in front of the computer.On the screen there is a message:
I got here a few hours ago.See you tomorrow.Its hot like hell here.
Your husband.
My new aftershave smells like breadcrumbs.
The birds love it.
A female weightlifter goes to the doctors:
"I've been taking steroids & now I've grown a penis!"
"Anabolic" says the Doctor.
"No just a penis"
filippo
A man goes to the doctor and says, "I fart when I walk."
The doctor raises an eyebrow and asks the man to demonstrate, so he walks from one side of the surgery to the other and goes pfft, frrt, thrrt, pfft, frrt, thrrt, pfft, frrt, thrrt.
"Good Lord," says the doctor, that's extraordinary. I want to get my colleague in here to see this as well." He calls his practice partner on the intercom and he enters the room. "Watch this," says the doctor and asks the man to walk around again, which he does - pfft, frrt, thrrt, pfft, frrt, thrrt, pfft, frrt, thrrt.
The two doctors call in the practice nurse as well - pfft, frrt, thrrt, pfft, frrt, thrrt, pfft, frrt, thrrt.
The first doctor leaves the room for a moment and returns holding a long wooden pole with a hook on the end. The farting patient's eyes widen and he asks, nervously, "What the Hell are you going to do with that!?"
The doctor frowns and says, "Open a f*cking window."
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to
go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night,
and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of
planets."
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke:
"Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our
tent!"
I walked in to a pub toilet earlier, the guy next to me said, "I'm so drunk I'm pissing tequila."
That's the last time I'm falling for that one.
What did the barman say to Watson at closing time?
"Have you no Holmes to go to?!"
I'm going to have to take the batteries out of this carbon monoxide alarm; all that beeping's giving me a headache.
I just met an old friend who moved away decades ago. Over a coffee he came out to me as a cross-dresser, saying that he now has a Wigan address.
From a fairly recent novel:
the punchline is
"The parrot whispered in the vicar's ear, 'If i might just ask, sir, what did the chicken do?' "
Want the rest?
Quote from: The Legendary Shark on 15 September, 2017, 09:06:01 AM
I just met an old friend who moved away decades ago. Over a coffee he came out to me as a cross-dresser, saying that he now has a Wigan address.
#DadJokes
Quote from: Eamonn Clarke on 15 September, 2017, 04:16:36 PM
From a fairly recent novel:
the punchline is
"The parrot whispered in the vicar's ear, 'If i might just ask, sir, what did the chicken do?' "
Want the rest?
YES!
Two retired colonels in a gentleman's club. One says "it's Woom - W-O-O-M". The other says "Nonsense, it's WHUME". The waitress serving them says "sorry to butt in gentlemen, but it's womb W-O-M-B". The first chap sniffs and says "and have you ever HEARD an elephant fart madam?"
You shouldn't generalise about people: Hitler was a vegetarian, but that doesn't mean all Nazis are cunts.
A vicar was left a parrot by one of his parishioners but was embarrassed to find that all the parrot did was swear, loudly and frequently. He tried covering the cage with a cloth but the swearing got even louder.
In desperation he placed the cage in the cupboard and closed the door, but the parrot just grew louder and the words it used even more offensive.
Eventually, at the end of his tether with the foul fowl he took the bird from its cage and in desperation opened his freezer door, thrust the parrot inside and closed the door. Listening at the door of his fridge freezer he heard the parrot pour forth every obscenity the vicar had ever encountered and several he hadn't. But after a minute the bird went quiet.
Tentatively the vicar opened the freezer door and the parrot hopped out, ran up the vicar's arm and whispered in his ear:
"I'm terribly sorry, sir. I promise you will never hear another offensive word from me."
The parrot paused and then added:
"But if I might just ask, sir. What exactly did the chicken do?"
What do you call Batman when he skips church?
Christian Bale.
Quote from: Smith on 18 September, 2017, 06:02:28 AM
What do you call Batman when he skips church?
Christian Bale.
#DadJokes :p
Very much so.
We used to have Johnny Cash,Bob Hope and Steve Jobs.No we have no cah,no jobs and no hope.
I remember that one as Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Stevie Wonder (no Cash, no Hope and no bloody Wonder).
Well,we lost Jobs in the meantime.
Quote from: Smith on 18 September, 2017, 04:14:05 PM
Well,we lost Jobs in the meantime.
Not to mention that Stevie Wonder is still, y'know, alive?
They were all still alive when I first heard this joke.
How do you milk a sheep?
Sell the new iphone for a grand
Quote from: The Legendary Shark on 18 September, 2017, 09:02:32 PM
They were all still alive when I first heard this joke.
Not sure I see how that joke works if they're all alive - the punchline is 'no hope', etc. (yes, I know, explaining jokes never works!)
As Barry Cryer said, "analysing comedy is like dissecting a frog; nobody laughs and the frog dies."
What singer never gets gravy down his shirt?
Napkin Cole
(He's dead as well)
Termite walks into a bar and asks " Is the bar tender, here?"
A man walks into a bar with a crocodile on a leash and asks "do you serve humans?"
The bartender instinctively says "Of course." and the man nods toward the crocodile and says "I'll have a pint, and he'll have a human."
The bartender suddenly realises he's in a bad joke and tries to back out "Actually, I just remembered, we don't have any humans today. I've not even a pygmy back here."
"Just as well." Says the man "I daren't let him start out on the shorts or he'd fucking wreck this place."
Why does Rogue like Magneto?
He's attractive.
A snail was mugged by a tortoise. When the police asked the snail if he could describe his assailant the snail replied, 'No, it happened too fast.'
What do superheroes put in their drinks?
Just ice.
How many Irish men does it take to plant an Acorn?
Tree.
[spoiler]'Zac's not being let into the Emerald isle anytime soon'[/spoiler]
Quote from: Hawkmumbler on 20 September, 2017, 08:50:01 PM
How many Irish men does it take to plant an Acorn?
Tree.
Ah, but how many does it take to cut down the oak that results?
[spoiler]The same: tree fellers.[/spoiler]
I just got one of those anti-bullying wristbands - stole it off a fat kid.
How do you drown a hipster?
In the mainstream.
Q: If the Queen, Theresa May, Jeremy Corbyn, Nigel Dodds, Vince Cable and Mark Carney are on a ship in the middle of an Atlantic storm and the ship sinks, who is saved?
A: Britain.
People used to laugh at me when I said I wanted to be a comedian.But nobody's laughing now.
Quote from: Smith on 27 September, 2017, 09:16:34 AM
People used to laugh at me when I said I wanted to be a comedian.But nobody's laughing now.
Bob Monkhouse - a comic artist in his youth.
I shouldnt have eaten all that seafood.Im feeling a little eel now.
Quote from: Smith on 27 September, 2017, 01:23:12 PMI shouldnt have eaten all that seafood.Im feeling a little eel now.
Sushi shame. That'll teach you to shell out on the good stuff and share instead of being so shellfish. I'll get me roach...
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.She looked surprised.
Urge to sing "The lion sleeps tonight" is always just a whim away.A whim away.A whim away.
They say invisible ink's making a comeback but I can't see it.
I've decided to join Stockholm Syndrome club.
I'm told I'll grow to love it.
Why are junkies stealing comic books?
They heard they contain strong heroines.
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish person?
[spoiler]None[/spoiler]
3 conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.
Don't try to tell me that's just a coincidence
Democracy is a system where two idiots outvote one smart person.
How do you confuse a Daily Mail reader?
Tell him the natural food of asylum seekers is paedophiles.
How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one,they are efficent and not very funny.
Poor old Theresa May. As a child she was somebody else's imaginary friend.
The fact there is highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about the expected traffic.
An old Russian proverb:
Everything they told us about communism was a lie,but everything they told us about capitalism turned out to be true.
That one's not a joke.
Quote from: Tjm86 on 09 November, 2017, 11:16:40 AM
That one's not a joke.
Its a super-realistic humor. :|
How many men does it take to defend France?
Nobody knows,they never tried.
A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost.
He reduced altitude to try to figure out where he was when he spotted a woman below. He descended further and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I appear to be a little off course. I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
Amazed by what she said, the balloonist stated "You must be in Information Technology!"
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is that I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."
The woman below smiled and responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
Quote from: Bolt-01 on 16 November, 2017, 03:45:33 PM
A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost.
(snip)
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
Always a classic - also told about Engineering Corps and Officers.
My script for Toy Story 4 focuses on Andy's mum's toys, which are also called Woody and Buzz.
So where does Mr Potato head fit in?
That's Granny's toy.
Amazon really are useless. I ordered four Kindles and they sent me a Two Ronnies dvd.
Quote from: The Legendary Shark on 24 November, 2017, 07:38:36 PM
Amazon really are useless. I ordered four Kindles and they sent me a Two Ronnies dvd.
:lol: Now
that's a good 'un.
Quote from: The Legendary Shark on 24 November, 2017, 07:38:36 PM
Amazon really are useless. I ordered four Kindles and they sent me a Two Ronnies dvd.
Bloody hell, took me a minute, but damn that
is funny!
You have to be really careful here too, reading it on the 'recent post' thread. If you miss which thread it really is on then brain takes a bit of time to engage.
Hats off sir, that is a cracker! :lol:
Overheard this today at my daughters 'performing art' show this afternoon.
What does The Doctor (Who) have for starters when he goes pizza?
Dalek bread.
There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old's life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.
I love that game where you ring someone's doorbell and then run off. It's called "ParcelForce."
Quote from: The Legendary Shark on 27 December, 2017, 01:47:18 PM
I love that game where you ring someone's doorbell and then run off. It's called "ParcelForce."
Ah yes, the tantric sex of delivery firms - you stay in for hours and nobody comes
So what are Yodel then?
Quote from: Tjm86 on 30 December, 2017, 09:33:40 AM
So what are Yodel then?
The Oral Sex of delivery firms. It happens suddenly, you get a mouth full and finally landed with an extortionate bill.
At the risk of asking; Hermes?
Quote from: Tjm86 on 30 December, 2017, 10:24:00 AM
Hermes?
Change the 'm' to a 'p' and you'll get your answer.
"Can you tell me where the library's at?"
*snort* "At Oxford, we do not end sentences with prepositions."
"Sorry. Can you tell me where the library's at, Asshole?"
Ran into my ex in the metro today.What a great day to be a train driver.
My 8 yr. old asked me what it was like to be a married man, so I ignored him for a week and then yelled at him for something he did when he was 3.
Why didn't you just tell him to get back in the kitchen?
Do you know how you can tell if a redneck is married?
There's spit stains on both sides of the truck.
My girlfriend said that sex is always better when you're on holiday.
I've never received a more depressing postcard.
What does a cannibal consider a phone book?
A menu.
If Batmans parents were killed by pollution,would he end up becoming Captain Planet?
Q- How does Batman's Mum call him in for his dinner?
A- Dinnerdinnerdinnerdin-
Q- HIS MUM'S DEAD YOU BASTARD THATS WHY HE'S BATMAN
Why do all wedding dresses come in white?
[spoiler]Because that's the color all new major appliances come in.[/spoiler]
K2
What do you call a bird of prey that lives in your kitchen?
A Tea Towl.
Without doubt my favourite Robin Williams movie is Mrs Fire.
That's a face palmer , that is!
:lol:
Quote from: The Legendary Shark on 11 March, 2018, 12:39:18 PM
Without doubt my favourite Robin Williams movie is Mrs Fire.
:lol:
What a beautiful day for putting on a fez, running into a funeral home and shouting, "Just like that!"
R.I.P. Ken.
Quote from: The Legendary Shark on 12 March, 2018, 06:36:30 AM
What a beautiful day for putting on a fez, running into a funeral home and shouting, "Just like that!"
R.I.P. Ken.
I thought that was Tommy Cooper?
Did he ?
It's what he would've wanted.
I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law in 18 years.
[spoiler]I didn't want to interrupt her.[/spoiler]
What a beautiful day for sticking a cucumber through the Vicar's letterbox and shouting, "the Martians are coming!"
A blind man walks into a pub.
I just found out they aren't making yardsticks any longer.
I was recently asked to take part in an instructional video for a group of dolphins, demonstrating how to get rid of the pesky seals which had invaded their island.
They told me that my cull will be recorded for training porpoises.
Donald Trump goes on a fact-finding visit to
Israel. While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he
suffers a heart attack and dies. The undertaker
tells the American diplomats accompanying
him, 'You can have him shipped home for $
50,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy
Land for just $100.'
The American diplomats go into a corner to
discuss for a few minutes. They return with
their answer to the undertaker and tell him
they want Donald Trump shipped home. The
undertaker is puzzled and asks, 'Why would you
spend $50,000 to ship him home, when it
would be wonderful to be buried here and you
would spend only $100?
The American diplomats reply, 'Long ago a man
died here, was buried here, and three days
later he rose from the dead. We just can't take
the risk.'
"Why is my sister called Teresa?"
"Because your Mother loves Easter, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter."
"Cool, thanks, Dad."
"No problem, Alan."
Took me a while but I got there...
Quote from: Colin YNWA on 31 March, 2018, 06:19:14 PM
Took me a while but I got there...
Bit of lube speeds things up.
... mind you, it took me a while to work it out too. :o
Quote from: Tjm86 on 03 April, 2018, 12:50:00 PM
... mind you, it took me a while to work it out too. :o
Bit of lube would have ensured it slid out more easily...
Version I knew was
-Mom,why is my cousin named Rose?
-Because your aunt likes flowers
-What do you like,mom?
-Oh shut up,Richard
Now that is Tricky!
I was watching the Women's Beach Volleyball
Championship last night and within minutes there was a horrific wrist injury. I should be all right in a few days though.
A catholic priest begins his day at the confessional.
A voice waivers through from the other booth, "Forgive me father for I have sinned".
"It's alright my child, god will forgive you, just tell me what you have done."
"I have beaten children, father, prayed on them and abused them."
Oh, thought the priest, this could be serious. "Go on.." he implored.
"I once thrashed a child till his back flowed with blood, broke the wrist of another, and and disfigured a young girl..."
"Good grief!" said the priest, sliding the confessional panel open to reveal a Nun.
"Oh thank goodness it's you sister! I thought there was a psychopath in the church!"
Got an email from a bored housewife, 32, looking for some action.
I sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy
I fell off me bike yesterday. Spent ages looking for a thread called "Life is a series of Minor ImPEDALments."
Quote from: paddykafka on 29 June, 2018, 02:04:16 PM
I fell off me bike yesterday. Spent ages looking for a thread called "Life is a series of Minor ImPEDALments."
On the off-chance that isn't just an excuse for a pun - hope you (and bike) are both doing well!
Ah, thanks Sheridan! Very kind of you. But yes, it was just a purely invented excuse for a pun. The bike is fine, even if it's owner is in the midst of middle-aged decrepitude. :lol:Appreciate the thought though. (I'm now feeling a bit like Bart Simpson in the episode where he pretends that he's trapped down a well, lol.)
Cheers!
Contrary to popular belief,we have summer in the UK.Its the best day of the year.
Quote from: Smith on 09 July, 2018, 08:57:35 PM
Contrary to popular belief,we have summer in the UK.Its the best day of the year.
Maybe by the Heatwave Deniers!? :|
Fake Forecast!!!!!!
I just found out that cock-fighting is done with cockerels. That's thirteen months of training for nothing.
Was that in the Bantamweight category?
Fly :(
t's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.
There are two goldfish in a tank. One turns to the other and says, 'Do you know how to drive this thing?'
Quote from: von Boom on 14 July, 2018, 04:30:50 PM
t's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.
Gah! How slow am I? Took me three reads to get it.
<facepalm> :crazy:
Quote from: Tjm86 on 15 July, 2018, 08:11:22 AM
Quote from: von Boom on 14 July, 2018, 04:30:50 PM
t's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.
Gah! How slow am I? Took me three reads to get it.
<facepalm> :crazy:
Maybe I'm just thick, but I don't get it.
Quote from: Magnetica on 16 July, 2018, 01:30:35 PM
Quote from: Tjm86 on 15 July, 2018, 08:11:22 AM
Quote from: von Boom on 14 July, 2018, 04:30:50 PM
t's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.
Gah! How slow am I? Took me three reads to get it.
<facepalm> :crazy:
Maybe I'm just thick, but I don't get it.
Meeting expenses usually means managing to pay expenses.
Meeting people means to make the acquaintance of people (through friends, in pubs, clubs, down the supermarket, etc).
In this instance, meeting expenses is making the acquaintance of more expenses, rather than managing to pay off the ones already accrued...
Went to the zoo, it was rubbish. Only had one animal, a dog. It was a shih tzu.
I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
The Procrastination Society's Christmas party has been rescheduled for August 24th - venue to be decided.
.... in a follow up announcement it was decided that it might be held in September or October.
I'm just around the corner from being on the verge of beginning to think about whether I need to contemplate discussing my possible attendance at the planning stage of this proposed event.
Well, I was considering wether to look at planning for my attendance but I figured that since the date and venue had not been set yet I'd leave it for now. I'll come back later once I've finished rearranging my shelves and see if there is anything firmer. Well, maybe.
A dog walks into a butcher's shop and the butcher
asks him"what do you want?"
The dog points to
steak in a glass case.
"How many pounds?"
The dog barks twice.
"Anything else?"
The dog points to some pork chops and barks
four times so the butcher wraps up a two
pound steak and four pork chops and places the
bag in the dog's mouth.
He then takes money from a purse tied around
the dog's neck and sees him out.
A customer who has been watching in
amazement follows the dog to a house several
streets away where it rings the bell to be let in.
As the owner appears at the door the customer
says, "What a remarkable dog!"
"Remarkable?" says the owner "That's the third
time this week he's forgotten his keys."
How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change the bulb and one to hold the penis ladder.
So Bob is drinking in his local pub when his old friend, Bill - who has been studying Psychology in America for a few years - shows up out of the blue. Bill tries to explain to Bob how the Freudian Slip works.
"I was getting on a bus going to Pittsburgh. The driver taking the fares was a lady with large breasts and I mistakenly asked her for a ticket to Tittsburgh. Well that is an example of the Freudian Slip."
"Ah, Jaysus," says Bob. "Now I get what you mean. Why only last week, meself and the wife were having breakfast, and I meant to say 'Darling, could you pass the salt, please?' but instead I said: 'Ya feckin' bitch! You've ruined me life!' "
How many pedants does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, because the lightbulb is not changed, it is replaced.
Quote from: The Legendary Shark on 09 August, 2018, 12:46:07 PM
How many pedants does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, because the lightbulb is not changed, it is replaced.
Nope. Not having that.
Absolutely. It is not 'replaced' at all. More accurately, an operational lightbulb is substituted for a defunct lightbulb.
The lightbulb has already changed, from an operational state to a non-operational state - in the case of defunction. Therefore, in this case, it is only after the lightbulb has changed from one state to another that it is replaced. Similarly, unchanged lightbulbs can also be replaced with other unchanged lightbulbs, in the case of replacing a clear one with a pearl or coloured one or a bulb of one wattage for a different wattage. In neither case is the lightbulb changed, in colour or wattage, but replaced. In both cases, however, the ambience provided by the replaced lightbulb can change significantly, which can lead to a better chance of getting one's leg over. In my case, however, I have found that the optimal chance of a legover comes from the complete absence of any form of lighting whatsoever, heavy blackout curtains and access to liberal quantities of strong drink...
How many Feminists does it take to change a Lightbulb?
"THAT'S NOT FUNNY!!!"
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
It's a hardware issue.
How many judges does it take to change a lightbulb?
You lookin' for a fat lip, Creep?
How many muties does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they glow in the dark.
It's not the lightbulb that needs to change, it's society.
This is of course predicated on the assumption that these are in fact 'light bulbs'. This is a common fallacy. They are actually 'dark suckers', hoovering up any dark in the vicinity of the said devices. Higher rated dark suckers are able to more rapidly remove any dark from a given location which is why areas seem brighter. Obviously they have a limited capacity and once they become full are no longer able to suck dark. This is clearly indicated by the big dark patch that appears to indicate the need for a new dark sucker.
A Priest was walking past a pet shop one day when he noticed a sign in the window: "Christian Horse for Sale."
Being that the Priest owned a large farm, he was immediately interested, and went into the shop. The owner took the Priest out to the back, where he saw a beautiful Arabian stallion.
He agreed to allow the Priest to take a "test run."
The Priest grabbed the reins. "Giddyap!"
The horse ignored him.
"No, no," counseled the owner. This is a Christian horse. If you want him to move, you must say, "Praise the Lord!"
The Priest did as he was told, and the horse started off on a leisurely walk. However, he soon found that the horse would not stop.
"He won't answer to 'Whoa', said the owner. It's "Amen."
The Priest decided that he liked the horse, so he bought him and took him home to his farm in the country. He saddled the horse up again, said, "Praise the Lord," and went riding into the countryside.
Suddenly, the horse saw a snake crossing the path. Frightened, he reared and bolted straight for a cliff. The Priest cried "whoa!" but the horse only ran faster. In vain, he tried one word after another. Finally, he remembered the correct command and screamed "AMEN!!!!!" just as the horse approached the edge of the cliff.
The Priest was so thrilled that his life had been saved that he raised his hands to the sky and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD!"
Q: What did the piece of cheese say when it saw itself in the mirror?
A: "Haloumi"
King Canute took his new laptop back to PC World for a refund. Apparently, he couldn't get Ctrl+C to work.
Quote from: The Legendary Shark on 09 September, 2018, 04:22:25 PM
King Canute took his new laptop back to PC World for a refund. Apparently, he couldn't get Ctrl+C to work.
Finally the penny drops!
What do we want?
Low flying aeroplane noises!
When do we want them?
Neeeooow!
My girlfriend just admitted she used to be a Christian, so I broke up with her.
It might seem judgemental, but I have only known her since she was Christine.
I took my dog to the park to play frisbee. It was rubbish. I need a flatter dog.
I got chatting to this guy at the bus stop. He opened his wallet and showed me a picture of his wife and said, "Isn't she gorgeous?"
"If you think she's gorgeous," I said, "you should see my girlfriend."
"Why? Is she a stunner?"
"No," I said, "she's an optician."
Drokk you Sharky, I just spluttered coffee all over me book.
What's red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.
The wife suggested that we play Doctors and Nurses.
So I put her on a trolley for 48 hours and ignored her.
Did you hear about that blind man who fell down that well?
He couldn't see that well.
Quote from: paddykafka on 26 November, 2018, 12:26:24 PM
The wife suggested that we play Doctors and Nurses.
So I put her on a trolley for 48 hours and ignored her.
What the hell kind of hospital have you been in where the nurses were able to lie around for 48 hours?
You're obviously not a member of Bupa.
My friend asked me how I sneak snacks into the cinema. I just winked and said, "Oh, I have a few Twix up my sleeve."
Quote from: The Legendary Shark on 07 December, 2018, 08:02:58 PM
My friend asked me how I sneak snacks into the cinema. I just winked and said, "Oh, I have a few Twix up my sleeve."
ooo, good one - that's got to be a Tim Vine, a comedian I love, but feel sorry for: he spends months crafting a show with hundreds of one-liners, embarks on a 30 day tour and gig #1 is a triumph. By gig #2, all his best lines have been retweeted and gone viral, and by gig #30, the audience are sitting there thinking "I've heard that.And this is the man responsible for:
Exit signs? They're on the way out!
Black Beauty? Now there's a dark horse!
Velcro? What a rip-off!
Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
Eric Bristow asked me why I put superglue on one of his darts. I said you just can't let it go can you?
I saw this advert in a window that said: "Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full." I thought, "I can't turn that down."
I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again
Conjunctivitis.com – that's a site for sore eyes
So I said to a Scottsman 'did you have terrible spots as a kid?' He said 'ac ne'
Do you ever get that when you're half way through eating a horse and you think to yourself, 'I'm not as hungry as I thought I was' .
Ha, brilliant!
Where does a snowman keep his money?
In a snowbank.
Me,15 years ago: I Will never be like my dad.
Me,today: What,you think Im made of money?
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two, but I have no idea how they get in there.
What's Bethovens fifth favourite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaa
My girlfriend wanted to dump me because of my love of the Transformers.
I said 'No, please don't, I can change!'
What's the difference between a smartly dressed person on a bike, and a scruffy person on a trike?
A tire.
'Orion's Belt is a waist of space.'
Poor joke - only three stars.
What's the rudest kind of elf?
[spoiler]The gofuckyers elf[/spoiler]
Chap goes to the doctor complaining of being deaf.
Doc asks, "What are the symptoms?"
Chap replies, "Well Homer is bald and fat, Marge has blue hair and they have three kids."
Donald Trump is president of the US and Theresa May is prime minister of the UK.
One of my 1980s Ska CDs has got stuck in my stereo and I can't switch it off.
When will this Madness end?
I got a limited edition bottle of Tippex for Christmas. It's a correctors' item.
Did you hear about the blind circumcisor?
He got the sack.
Gnnnn! :o
What's hard and hairy on the outside, wet and soft on the inside, starts with a C and end in a T, and has a U and N in it?
[spoiler]A coconut.[/spoiler]
A double meaning walks into a bar and kills ten people. Pun in, ten dead.
A Roman walked into a bar, held up two fingers and said, "Five beers please."
You laugh, but I remember my first day in Beijing when a shopkeeper held up crossed fingers expectantly. I learned later that the Chinese symbol for 10 looks like an X
Quote from: JayzusB.Christ on 08 March, 2019, 05:32:33 PM
You laugh, but I remember my first day in Beijing when a shopkeeper held up crossed fingers expectantly. I learned later that the Chinese symbol for 10 looks like an X
Never knew that:
(https://i.pinimg.com/originals/9b/79/61/9b79615dcef5868025a99cabf8be53c1.jpg)
Quote from: JayzusB.Christ on 08 March, 2019, 05:32:33 PM
You laugh, but I remember my first day in Beijing when a shopkeeper held up crossed fingers expectantly. I learned later that the Chinese symbol for 10 looks like an X
I was a teaching assistant in a French school during my degree, and often used the "OK" sign to signal approval, but the class seemed perturbed - turns out, that circular gesture means 'nul' (zero) in France - Instead of being encouraging at their English efforts, I was gesturing *you're rubbish"
Quote from: JayzusB.Christ on 07 March, 2019, 07:04:51 PM
A double meaning walks into a bar and kills ten people. Pun in, ten dead.
Anyone I meet for the next few months is getting that! :lol:
What do you get when you cross Harrison Ford with a Dwarf?
Han So-Low.
Quote from: paddykafka on 13 March, 2019, 08:28:44 PM
What do you get when you cross Harrison Ford with a Dwarf?
Han So-Low.
Sorry, sizest jokes are not allowed ...
A woman is sitting at her deceased husband's funeral. A man leans in and says "do you mind if I say a word?"
The woman says "No, go right ahead".
He stands up, clears his throat and says "Plethora", then sits back down.
"Thank you," says the widow, "that means a lot."
I mixed up the words "Yakuza" and Jacuzzi".
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
A Norse walks into a Cockney pub and the landlord says, "Why the long boat?"
Nope, don't get it.
Quote from: Tjm86 on 28 May, 2019, 09:43:53 PM
Nope, don't get it.
The traditional joke is "A horse walks into a bar, the barkeep says 'why the long face?'" (coz horses have long faces, innit?)
Cockney rhyming slang for face is boat, as in boatrace.
Norsemen or vikings travelled around in longboats.
Thanks to this thread, Sheridan is reading them out aloud to me and doing his best Tim vine or Milton Jones impersonation.
Please make him stop! ::) :lol:
Quote from: sheridan on 29 May, 2019, 01:28:42 AM
Quote from: Tjm86 on 28 May, 2019, 09:43:53 PM
Nope, don't get it.
The traditional joke is "A horse walks into a bar, the barkeep says 'why the long face?'" (coz horses have long faces, innit?)
Cockney rhyming slang for face is boat, as in boatrace.
Norsemen or vikings travelled around in longboats.
Ah, thank you. Knowing the horse joke of old, the 'longboat' bit lost me.
Shows how far my family have fallen from their days in the East end that this went straight over my head. :-[
Kudos then, a well constructed if incredibly subtle pun.
Police recruiters have again lowered the i.q. requirement.
The plod thickens...
I brought a lovely lesbian couple back home with me last night.
This morning they bought me a Rolex.
I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
Three professors (a physicist, a chemist, and a statistician) are called in to see their dean. Just as they arrive the dean is called out of his office, leaving the three professors there. The professors see with alarm that there is a fire in the wastebasket.
The physicist says, "I know what to do! We must cool down the materials until their temperature is lower than the ignition temperature and then the fire will go out."
The chemist says, "No! No! I know what to do! We must cut off the supply of oxygen so that the fire will go out due to lack of one of the reactants."
While the physicist and chemist debate what course to take, they both are alarmed to see the statistician running around the room starting other fires. They both scream, "What are you doing?"
To which the statistician replies, "Trying to get an adequate sample size."
What do you get when you cross a TV Cop show with wireless internet connection?
Ha Wi-Fi o.
Before my surgery, the anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe?
Rubber-toe.
Quote from: JayzusB.Christ on 12 June, 2019, 03:38:43 PM
What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe?
Rubber-toe.
What do you call a Frenchman in sandals?
Phillipe Fillop
What do you call a man with 20 rabbits up his bum?
Warren
What do you call a man masturbating with 20 rabbits up his bum?
Warren Beatty.
What do you call a man with 20 rabbits eating salad and cocktail sausages up his bum? Warren Buffet.
Sorry, couldn't resist
Quote from: The Legendary Shark on 14 June, 2019, 10:43:41 AMWhat do you call a man masturbating with 20 rabbits up his bum?
If it's 1990, Richard Gere.
I've just won my first cage fight! Dumb ass budgie never knew what hit it!
What do you get when you cross the Law with a sliced pan?
Judge Bread.
Quote from: paddykafka on 14 July, 2019, 02:38:50 PM
What do you get when you cross the Law with a sliced pan?
Judge Bread.
See my thing is, I don't think Dredd would ever knead the dough ...
And I thought that I was on a roll.
Quote from: paddykafka on 15 July, 2019, 08:45:23 PM
And I thought that I was on a roll.
You'll come up with some more - just use your loaf!
Bredd and Butter.*
(https://ctl.s6img.com/society6/img/0cWmzTqi2yiDFNgU_Rbxe2trw9A/w_700/prints/~artwork/s6-original-art-uploads/society6/uploads/misc/b4ec8c238a574b22a51d59667a09a519/~~/judge-bread40562-prints.jpg)
(https://vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/judgedredd/images/8/84/727820-mean_machine_angel_3_.jpg/revision/latest/scale-to-width-down/340?cb=20130219215905)
*joke stolen from an old Megazine competition entry
Quote from: sheridan on 15 July, 2019, 09:36:34 PM
Quote from: paddykafka on 15 July, 2019, 08:45:23 PM
And I thought that I was on a roll.
You'll come up with some more - just use your loaf!
I do have a fondness for using Floury language.
Quote from: paddykafka on 16 July, 2019, 10:21:33 AM
Quote from: sheridan on 15 July, 2019, 09:36:34 PM
Quote from: paddykafka on 15 July, 2019, 08:45:23 PM
And I thought that I was on a roll.
You'll come up with some more - just use your loaf!
I do have a fondness for using Floury language.
Are you taking the rise?
Let's be fair, that's the yeast of our problems here ...
This is getting a bit stale.
Quote from: The Legendary Shark on 16 July, 2019, 08:32:10 PM
This is getting a bit stale.
You've just got a crusty attitude. Hopefully a few ideas will have been seeded.
No need to get a cob on...
At ease Soldiers.
this is getting barmy
There's the crumb of a good idea in these posts, but if we don't get some jokes soon then this thread is toast.
As Homer Simpson would say: "Dough!"
Archeologists have discovered a new tomb in Egypt. There's a mummy that's been covered in chocolate and wrapped in gold foil.
Pharoah Rocher.
Boris Johnson is elected Prime Minister.
that one's not funny :(
Quote from: Tjm86 on 24 July, 2019, 07:57:57 PM
Boris Johnson is elected Prime Minister.
Too soon.
I couldn't help but think of the following scene...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KPs5TAO8Hj4
I was in the chemist buying some condoms....
Cashier: "Do you need a bag?"
Me: "Nah, she ain't that ugly."
There was a fire at a circus - it was in tents.
Quote from: von Boom on 31 July, 2019, 01:13:33 PM
I was in the chemist buying some condoms....
Cashier: "Do you need a bag?"
Me: "Nah, she ain't that ugly."
how about a beer?
What do you get when you cross a Gladiator with a plant that grows in the desert?
Spartacactus.
To the fecker that stole my trainers and Hi-Viz jacket - you can run but you can't hide.
"I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have florets" (https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-scotland-edinburgh-east-fife-49389208)
I like some of his older ones:
"I wasn't close to my dad when he died ... just as well since he stood on a land mine."
I ran into an old friend the other day. The doctor said, he'll be fine in a few days.
How does the man in the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it
Aldrin(k) to that!
A colleague of mine shared an interesting piece of news with us today: Accordion to researchers in London, 9 out of 10 adults can't spot a musical instrument in a sentence.
Guitar toff town, really!?
Should be drummed out of town for that one!
I'd say string 'em up, but violins is never the answer.
Did I tell you I used to play triangle in a reggae band? I just used to stand at the back an' ting.
Far be it for me to try and interpret cymbals but what I've read so far chimes with many of the fiddles that your average lyre might try to attempt.
I'm not blowing my own trumpet or looking for gongs.
But the repercussions of this latest rattle will, I fear, leave me stranded in the Bermuda Triangle, with only Tom-Tom and his Zither for company.
A man is at the funeral of an old friend. He tentatively approaches the deceased's wife and asks whether he can say a word. The widow nods. The man clears his throat and says, "Plethora." The widow smiles appreciatively. "Thank you," she says. "That means a lot."
Another man comes up and says: "Mind if I say a word too?" She says: "Please do." The man clears his throat and says: "Bargain." The widow replies: "Thanks, that means a great deal."
Another man comes up and asks for the same privilege. The widow thanks him, saying that would be very nice. The man clears his throat and says: "Earth." The widow replies, "Thank you, that means the world."
Another man comes up and asks if he could say a couple words. The widow thanks him, saying that would be very nice. The man clears his throat and says: "Being alive." The widow replies, "Thank you, he would have liked that."
Another man comes up and asks if he could say a word. The widow thanks him, saying that would be very nice. The man clears his throat and says: "Infinity" . The widow replies, "Thank you, that means more than you could possibly imagine."
Another man comes up and asks if he could say a word. The widow thanks him, saying that would be very nice. The man clears his throat and says: "Fhqwhgads". The widow replies: "Thanks, you don't know what that means."
Another man comes up and says: "Mind if I say a few words too?" She says: "Please do." The man clears his throat and says: "The Mariana Trench." The widow replies: "Thanks, that's really deep."
Another man comes up and says: "Mind if I say a few words too?" She says: "Please do." The man clears his throat and says: "water pit". The widow replies: "Thanks, I know you mean well."
Another man approaches the widow and says: "I'm truly sorry for your loss, he was a great man." The widow replies: "I'm not sure you understand what's happening here."
Quote from: Dandontdare on 28 May, 2019, 08:32:52 PM
A woman is sitting at her deceased husband's funeral. A man leans in and says "do you mind if I say a word?"
The woman says "No, go right ahead".
He stands up, clears his throat and says "Plethora", then sits back down.
"Thank you," says the widow, "that means a lot."
somebody has overthought that joke since it did the rounds last year!
I do like a good riff on a theme though. Fhqwhgads is my fave
Haha! Those are great.
Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows?
They're making headlines everywhere.
Did you know that a piranha can devour a child down to the bone in less than 45 seconds?
Anyway, I lost my job at the aquarium today
I used to work as the manager of a hotel. One day, I threw out an entire Chess club, as I could not stand the sound of Chess Nuts boasting in the open foyer.
Here's one from the 1990 Winter Special, by Jim McCarthy:
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Kylie.
Kylie who?
That's show business.
Apologies if this joke has been told somewhere before....
A nasty little child deliberately killed a butterfly ... the father spots this and yells. "You horrible child! Just for that... no butter for two weeks. Learn to respect nature!"
A few weeks latter, the same child goes out of it's way to deliberately kills a honeybee... the father spots this and yells. "You horrible child! Just for that... No honey for two weeks. Learn to respect nature!"
Later that day the family is gathered in the kitchen when the wife yells "EWW!" and squashes a cockroach.
The child turns to their father and asks "Are you going to tell her... or shall I?"
A priest, an iman and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The rabbit says "I think I might be a type O"
Took a couple of seconds there but bravo!
Two blondes walk into a bar. Even though there was a massive sign saying "Danger, Low Bar!"
A Brunette, a Redhead and a Blonde are at a job interview.
The Brunette is called in first and asked all the usual questions to determine if she was was suitable for the job. She gives an excellent account of herself and answers all questions correctly. The last question that the prospective boss asks her is: "How many Dee's are there in Indiana Jones?"
The Brunette correctly replies "One", at which point the boss thanks her and assures her that the company will be in touch soon to let her know if she has gotten the job.
Next in is the redhead. The interview goes precisely as the first one did, and once again she correctly answers to the last question that there is just one Dee in "Indiana Jones". The boss also thanks her and lets her know that the company will be in touch in due course.
Last in is the blonde. She makes an absolute hames of the interview and gives the wrong answers to virtually every question. But for whatever reason, the boss still asks her at the end of the interview: "How many Dee's are there in Indiana Jones?"
"Sixteen," replies the blonde, fairly brimming with confidence.
Somewhat taken aback, the boss asks the blonde how she comes to that conclusion.
The blonde replies in a sing-song voice: "Dee Dee Dee Dee, Dee Dee Dee, Dee Dee Dee Dee, Dee Dee Dee Dee Dee..."
I went to the doctor with a hearing problem. He said "can you describe the symptoms"? I said ,"Homer's a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair."
Quote from: von Boom on 14 August, 2020, 05:05:20 PM
I went to the doctor with a hearing problem. He said "can you describe the symptoms"? I said ,"Homer's a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair."
As someone who has to routinely ask that question, I've had that response twice in recent months!
:D :lol:
1st astronaut: "I can't find any milk for my coffee"
2nd astronaut: "In space, no-one can. Here - use cream"
Oh dairy dairy me.
Quote from: Dandontdare on 02 September, 2020, 03:48:07 PM
1st astronaut: "I can't find any milk for my coffee"
2nd astronaut: "In space, no-one can. Here - use cream"
Aaaaand now I'm contractually obliged to hunt you down and kill you.
Quote from: TordelBack on 02 September, 2020, 07:07:26 PM
Oh dairy dairy me.
There's space on this list, you know...
I know, I know. I read it and just had to share the pain :lol:
Gold!
Shouldn't that be gold top?
Quote from: Jim_Campbell on 02 September, 2020, 07:31:53 PM
Quote from: Dandontdare on 02 September, 2020, 03:48:07 PM
1st astronaut: "I can't find any milk for my coffee"
2nd astronaut: "In space, no-one can. Here - use cream"
Aaaaand now I'm contractually obliged to hunt you down and kill you.
Nuke him from orbit - it's the only way to be sure.
Quote from: Dandontdare on 02 September, 2020, 03:48:07 PM
1st astronaut: "I can't find any milk for my coffee"
2nd astronaut: "In space, no-one can. Here - use cream"
Outstanding and Bravo, sir!
Quote from: paddykafka on 03 September, 2020, 12:31:38 PM
Quote from: Dandontdare on 02 September, 2020, 03:48:07 PM
1st astronaut: "I can't find any milk for my coffee"
2nd astronaut: "In space, no-one can. Here - use cream"
Outstanding and Bravo, sir!
Duly sent on to 2 WhatsApp groups (though I've replaced the astronauts with Ellen Ripley and an alien).
Youngest daughter just got up, asked to have a shower as she had a knot in her hair.
I said to her "no there's not ..."
"Dad, it's too early for Dad jokes!"
Well, that's me told (or not ...)
THE ASTLEY PARADOX
If you ask Rick Astley for his copy of the movie Up, he cannot give it to you as he will never give you Up.
However, in doing so, he lets you down - thus creating the Astley Paradox.
Apparently the Maths world is up in arms today. 0 has come out as non-binary.
Past, Present, and Future walked into a bar. It was tense.
~~~^~~~
Last December, having no money, my brother and I decided to steal a tree from the local forest. So, armed with axes and a saw, we wandered around the forest for four and a half hours until my brother said, "I'm sick of this. I'm going to cut down the next Christmas tree we see, whether there's lights on it or not."
An errant cigarette caused the ammo shed on a military base to blow up. Fourteen Privates were killed instantly, seven lieutenants died of their injuries in hospital, while two generals and a colonel were severely wounded.
There were no major casualties.
William, Francis and Eddie are taking a stroll through the woods when they find a battered old oil lamp in a clump of weeds. They retrieve the lamp and rub it and, of course, a genie appears.
"At last," the Genie says, "my long imprisonment is over! To show my gratitude, I shall grant each of thee three wishes." The genie turns to William and asks, "what is thy first wish?"
William thinks for a moment and says, "I'd like to be the handsomest man in the world, so that everyone will fancy me," and - poof! - he is transformed into the best looking man one could ever imagine.
The genie asks Francis the same question, and Francis says, "I'd like to be the fittest, strongest, fastest, most healthy man on the planet," and - poof! - he takes on the aspect of the most magnificent of Greek gods.
"And thee," the genie says to Eddie, "what is thy first wish?"
Without hesitation, Eddie says, "I'd like you to make my right arm spin around a full 360 degrees, like a windmill, in a clockwise direction," and - poof! - Eddie's arm begins to spin.
The genie turns back to William and asks him what his second wish is.
William thinks and says, "I'd like to be rich enough to not have to work again," and - poof! - a suitcase full of money appears.
The genie looks at Francis. "And thy second wish?"
"Easy," says Francis, "I want to be the richest man in the world," and - poof! - a portfolio of the highest levels of stocks, bonds and shares appear in a briefcase.
Eddie can hardly contain his enthusiasm when the genie asks him for his second wish. "I'd like you to make my left arm spin around 360 degrees, like a windmill, but this time in an anticlockwise direction," and - poof! - Eddie's left arm begins to spin.
"And thy third and final wish?"
William thinks and says, "I wish to remain healthy, disease free, and fit for the rest of my very long life," and - poof! - suddenly all his aches, pains, and sniffles are banished forever.
For his third wish, Francis asks for immortality and - poof! - eternal life is his.
Eddie can hardly contain himself and, almost before the genie has asked the question he says, "I'd like you to make my head nod backwards and forwards in a strictly stable rhythm," and - poof! - his head begins to nod back and forth like a perpetual metronome.
The genie disappears and the three men decide to meet back up in the same spot a year hence to compare notes on how things are going, which they do.
"The last year's been incredible for me," William says, "my good looks got me into the movies and I'm in constant demand, so I can charge millions for appearing in a single film. I have three mansions in Hollywood and am married to Gillian Anderson. My life is perfect!"
"My life is perfect too," enthuses Francis. "I'm the best all-round sportsman in the world; the world heavyweight boxing champion, world's number one tennis player, top golfer, and I have more Olympic medals than I can count. My incredible wealth has allowed me to set up foundations to eliminate starvation, cure cancer, and bring clean water, good food, and education to the darkest corners of the planet. Also, I have a different beautiful woman on my arm every night. I couldn't be happier!"
The two turn to Eddie, with his oppositely spinning arms and metronomically nodding head and ask how his year has been.
"Guys," Eddie says, "to be honest, I think I've made a huge mistake."
Holy crap, that was way funnier than it should have been!
What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?
You'll never hear an enzyme.
...and the difference between roast ham and pea soup?
Anybody can roast ham...
How do gender neutral ninjas defeat their opponents?
They slash them
I sneezed so hard, I thought I might break my neck. But there was just tissue damage.
What do you call a pig that knows karate? A pork chop!
BREAKING NEWS!
Boy George has been attacked by a lizard on "I'm a Celebrity". They should've got a calmer chameleon.
Nah, I think the producers really wanted to hurt him...
Why don't you ever here about the goings on at pastry-chef's stag-dos ?
what does on torte stays on torte!
(The credit for this one goes to Larry Smith on today's Journal.
)
Men of 25 play football; men of 40 play tennis; men of 60 play golf. Have you noticed, that the older you get, your balls get smaller?
Not only that, they also seem to go through three stages: pressurized, hairy, and dimpled.
Quote from: The Legendary Shark on 10 December, 2022, 11:51:42 AM
Not only that, they also seem to go through three stages: pressurized, hairy, and dimpled.
:lol: :lol: :lol: