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Shock Proposal

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Mr C:
Thanks for the feedback!
The scavenger could wear some kind of helmet with a visor right up to where he looks at the book, then he takes it off to reveal that he's an alien, then he jettisons the book.

OK, I see where you're going with this - the shock or twist needs to be that it's a human space station.

Problem as it stands for me is that that doesn't seem very shocking - you haven't given me enough investment in the ship itself or interest in its presumably dead crew for it to be scary and thrilling that they're from Earth.

Needs an extra element somewhere - maybe the race that built the station has been destroyed?

Mr C:
Ah Ha!
there are two scavengers, as they travel through the hulking wreck, they have a running conversation sort of like this:
"So what is this place?"
"Last relic of a dead race"
"which one?
No one knows what they were called, records are a little hazy going ten thousand years back, they were pretty advanced though, had worm hole tech and advanced hyperturing AI's"
"What happened to them?"
"Heh, we did!"
Or something like that ;)

That would certainly cover it quite well.  The advanced hyper-Turing AI's phrase gets me thinking these guys are human, and the ship is an alien vessel, for sure.

I'd echo some of the comments above.  

I never got a sense of involvment or adventure. I got the idea that it's just talking heads on a space station - not particularly exciting for the reader.  

Also I just didn't plain get why it was meant to be shocking either - possibly just me but I couldn't  see the twist.

There are submission guidelines on this very site with a good word or two from DIG-L about how to make sure you have a hook for the reader and drama in the story.

There's also a section where you can bung up your script for critique.

I think these are all in the CREATOR - SUBMISSIONS section.


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