2000 AD > Announcements

The Letters Beast - Online!

<< < (41/42) > >>

Buttonman:

--- Quote from: norton canes on 10 September, 2021, 04:01:43 PM ---
How long does one normally have to wait until one's complimentary graphic novel arrives..?

--- End quote ---

Once again this thread delivers! Letter writers arrive at the watering hole with breathy excitement. Welcome Andy, or Norton to give you your non-letter name.

To answer your question- you should have had it by now. When I get one in, the graphic novel normally appears with or before the Prog that publishes the letter. Sometimes I feel it's a bit of a spoiler to see the familiar handwriting on the envelope - 'guess I got one in this week' I say to the long suffering wife.

Well done on your great success!

norton canes:
It arrived! And mercy me, it's Mercy Heights. Which is at least something I haven't read, running as it did during my 27-year prog-lapse.

Buttonman:

--- Quote from: norton canes on 24 September, 2021, 09:29:40 AM ---It arrived! And mercy me, it's Mercy Heights. Which is at least something I haven't read, running as it did during my 27-year prog-lapse.

--- End quote ---

Mercy, Mercy me! At least it's new to you!

Buttonman:

The great letters crisis of 2021 continues unabated. There are reports of people panic writing and stockpiling missives to Tharg. The army have been called in to ensure that letters are delivered and the government has appealed for calm whilst raising the price of stamps.

Here at LETTERSENTERTAINYOU we have basked in the warmth of our many unpublished letters and remember fondly the days when the Magazine printed three pages worth along with Preacher reprints just to fill the thing up.  Don’t worry, we get a mighty injection of SEVEN letters in Prog 2252 with Tharg scraping his barrel and printing any old toot.

First up in the Letter of the Week slot is Marcus Hanford of emailland. Interestingly (term used advisedly) the last letter printed in the last Input page was also from a Marcus;  in that case the Nyahow variety. We’ve not had this many Marcuses since ‘Eldorado’ went two nights a week! This Marcus dressed up as Tharg to run a race and sent in photographic proof. What a rubbish outfit! Our effort including mother’s brooch as a Rosette of Sirius was far more authentic!  Tharg lazily asks if Marcus finished the race. We’ll Google that for you Tharg - Yes he did, in 2.04:15 finishing in 2498th position. We’ll done him, especially as he must have been towing a caravan with that time. Excuse us, just getting another cream bun…

This is Marcus’  4th letter to see print with him previously seen in Prog 2033 following a Letter of the Week debut in 2010’s Prog 1696. He has a rival in his Bristol hometown in the shape of Ella Handford who had a letter  printed in Prog 2033 with a “photo of a little girl”. We’re guessing a relative.

Newbie writer Dave Marsden  of Salisbury next. We went there once and found this lovely perfummmm…. Dave joins Elizabeth of Maidstone in the ‘Marsden 1 letter printed gang’ with Lizzy’s offering appearing in Meg 151 (V3.48). Dave talks about a ‘Sacs Magiques’ which of course is (back to Google) a magic bag. He takes exception to two such receptacles appearing in consecutive thrills. Clearly Dave is a new reader and not used to tropes and themes. Or in other words the cookie cutter can only work so much and so fast Dave!

The Chris Browning version of a good letter next which is sadly a bit of a gusher. Chris likes it all; which is fair enough really. Black and white, cartoony  - spidery - he loves the lot. We do prefer a bit of nit picking or bitching in our letters, but if Chris is happy we all should be too. Even if we can’t always follow stuff or it looks a bit busy. Chris knows the score however, with this being his 18th letter to see print. This effort takes him up to joint 16th on the Beast letters board with erstwhile scribe Kevin Hall, who we last saw in Prog 2034 in 2017 when he had moved from East Lothian to County Antrim never to be seen again - in the letters pages at any rate!

Pipe down in front, it’s time for the debut offering of Steven Pipe of Swindon. He makes it a Pipe party with Carwyn of Gillingham who had her moment in the pipe smoke in Prog 767 in 1992. Steven’s letter reads like a report card with the quality of Tharg’s offering being deemed “Very High” with the droids doing “Sterling work”. He thanks Tharg for his “ Hard Work” and “Expresses Gratitude” for the Damage Report text. Stick that in your Pipe and smoke it!

Colin of Ireland is ‘King ‘ for a day next as he enjoys possibly his first letters outing. We do have a Colin King of Romford gracing Prog 154 but the Irish version will need to claim that one given the distance rules the Beast employs. It’s impressive if it is him as Kings can only move one square at a time! Chess joke there for all the brainiacs out there. There was also a Rodney King who had letters in Progs 1592, 1764 and 2013 but he hasn’t been seen since. No doubt the LAPD caught up with him. Colin likes the podcasts and everything that Tharg sees fit to print, which is good to hear.

Tristan Fitzgerald of Emailland takes the penultimate spot in his second outing following his 2007debut in Prog 1552. At that time he went with ‘Tris’ - wise change there Tristan - don’t be ashamed at being named after the speccy kid in ‘George & Mildred’. Tristan is on the lookout for John Smith whom we met in the bar of the 40th anniversary gathering. He was a bit tired and emotional then but weren’t we all! Oh happy days, no masks and viruses were things that infected our laptops when we tried to watch  a funny cat video, honestly dear. Sadly Tharg says John Smith is away doing something else but you can still buy his wares in the shop.

Finally, we get to the end. Comment ‘ratchet set’ if you are still here! Last up is Jonathan Fisher  of Nord Ireland. We read his letter with an Ian Paisley shouty voice in our heads and for that we apologise. Actually, THERE WILL BE NO APOLOGY! Anyway when we read this we’d planned lots of frog puns but after some detailed research we found that the frog was in fact Jeremy not Jonathan.

Anyway this one was a bit green about the gills and we hope it won’t spawn a sequel. It was really amphibiboring  and it seems like a Frenchman has had the best bits. Sorry but we’re not wasting Grade A material like that. This is Jonathan’s (ribbit) 8th letter to see print with his first, a Letter of the Week no less, appearing in 2008’s Prog 1606. Jonathan goes flat out and  sticks his long tongue over Tharg’s ‘Regened’ issues - he hates them he does! He want’s more killings - well he is from Northern Ireland - and hates this ‘stomm’. Not as tasty as a nice fly is it Jeremy, er, Jonathan?

Overall a good outing here with some saccharine stuff offset with a brickbat at the end. 7 letters is a recent record letter haul and, despite increasing our workload, we do prefer the pithier and the to the point offerings.

Right off to queue for some envelopes and to fight off those who crave our precious letters.

Buttonman:


And we’re back. We took the last letters page off as it was mostly new writers and two people with a measly 3 letters printed. No meat for the grinder there. Amazingly no one noticed or complained - what a patient audience! Prog 2258 saw a decent offering of five letters in the inside back page. In a desperate bid to stay relevant we have jumped on a pop cultural bandwagon once again and present the Letterentertainyou Squid Game. OK this was popular a month ago and has now been done to death, but just be grateful it’s not Cobra Kai. That’s booked for next month.

Our poorly thought out format is to test each letter against a playground game of yester year - who will win the 40 Wan? and who will be the one that stabs himself in the neck at the end?

We kick off with the classic ‘Dog Shit on a Stick’ and trying to avoid getting it on his school bag is Louis Carter of Emailland. We know from his previous six letters that Louis lives in York having originally hailed from Cornwall from where he penned his fist two letters which appeared in Progs 1220 and 1443. He then went to York where his next missive appeared exactly 100 Progs later in 1523. Of his seven letters this is his first to achieve Letter of the Week status.

Louis practices the old bait and switch and starts off by slagging several thrills. He gets quite angry before coming around 180 degrees - its all fine! The rubbish is there for idiots to enjoy whilst he can revel in his more cerebral thrills. He dresses it up so that Tharg buys in and agrees that basically he’ll print what he likes and we can live with it. Fair enough, but that should be no excuse for sub par content. With his messy argument Louis does not avoid the shitty stick and heads home to hose down his Head bag with his head hung low.

Next up and playing ‘Chap door run away’ is Kevin Foakes of that London. There will be some ‘Foakes Singing’ tonight as Kevin celebrates his 10th published letter and gains entrance to the Beast scoreboard with the coveted ¬¬¬ designator. Kevin boasts 7 Prog letters (2 L of W) and 3 Meg hits. He first appeared when living in Reigate in 1988’s Prog 557 giving him an impressive 33 year letter footprint. Prior to this offering he was previously seen  with a Letter of the Week offering in the recent Prog 2216. He enters the Beast all time list in bottom place, 38th=.

Kevin’s letter is a miserable affair - he confirms his letters longevity by saying he’s been reading for 40 years - rest those eyes Kevin! He really hates the Regened Progs but comes across a bit of a curmudgeon stating that as a subber he doesn’t want to pay for these. Bloody kids, bring back ‘Big Dave’ like the good old days! Sadly Kevin’s zimmer topples over as he escapes from the door knocking and gets a quick kick in the arse for his troubles.

Paul Tapner of Poole next taking on the always arduous test of  ‘Kiss, Cuddle or Torture’. The Tap Man  scores his 11th Beast hit with this offering and takes himself up the Leader Board to the heady heights of  32nd =. Paul was last seen in this year’s Prog 2234 and has no Letters of the Week and only one Megazine letter to boast about. It is actually become a boast as Megazine letters are as rare as rocking horse shit these days.

Red Paul is a union rep and keen to keep the brothers united. Better get a leaflet round to the Foakes household then Tap Shoes. He doesn’t really state his feelings on the Regened Progs but he supports the initiative. A worthy sentiment but we draw the line if we get a Paw Patrol crossover and some colouring in. Paul chooses ‘Kiss’ in his Squid game but is sadly eliminated when it’s a Glasgow kiss and he ends up as red as his politics.

Nick Black “chimes” in next from his lair in Newhaven. The Dark One draws the unenviable game of ’Shite Alight’ and we have to worry about his fate. Nick  was last seen in 2019’s Prog 2162 giving him a total of two - but wait! We also have a Nick Black from Edgeware who scored in Prog 225 waaaay back in 1981. The ‘40 year’ rule applies here so Nick will need to lay claim to this one if he wants at ascent to the heady heights of having three confirmed letters published.

Nick makes some valid comments and articulates well his thoughts that new strips suit the Regened Progs better than toned down versions of the originals. We agree, but Tharg isn’t so sure - is it a 2000ad Prog with no Dredd, Rogue or Dog? Speaking of dog, Nick panics and stamps on his own flaming bag of dog turds and gets  mess all over his new pair of Hi-Tech Squash. His Mum will be livid.

Last up is man of three surnames Forrest Dylan Bryant of USA, Stateside. Forrest draws ‘British Bulldogs’ and has the big tub of cash in his sights.  This is Forrest’s first letter and only the second ‘Forrest’ ever to see print following A. Forrest’s outing in Prog 46. We were going to reprint the content of that letter here but couldn’t see it for the trees.

American Forrest writes a garbled note infused with cycles and functions. You do get genuine energy from it as he gasps enthusiastically about all and sundry. Tharg has always liked American things and is grateful to close on a no holds barred love fest. It is nice to see someone “enthralled”, “eager” and “overjoyed” but it’s not the British way and predictably enough Forrest gets trampled in the playground frenzy meaning the Lettersentertainyou Squid Game prize inevitably falls back into their dark coffers.

Tune in again next time where it’ll probably be ‘I’m a Celebrity’ if we can be bothered.

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page

[*] Previous page

Go to full version