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Author Topic: Squaxx Telling Jokes  (Read 71321 times)

Mister Pops

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #405 on: 30 June, 2022, 07:12:10 PM »
An errant cigarette caused the ammo shed on a military base to blow up. Fourteen Privates were killed instantly, seven lieutenants died of their injuries in hospital, while two generals and a colonel were severely wounded.

There were no major casualties.
You may quote me on that.

The Legendary Shark

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #406 on: 02 July, 2022, 09:14:05 PM »

William, Francis and Eddie are taking a stroll through the woods when they find a battered old oil lamp in a clump of weeds. They retrieve the lamp and rub it and, of course, a genie appears.

"At last," the Genie says, "my long imprisonment is over! To show my gratitude, I shall grant each of thee three wishes." The genie turns to William and asks, "what is thy first wish?"

William thinks for a moment and says, "I'd like to be the handsomest man in the world, so that everyone will fancy me," and - poof! - he is transformed into the best looking man one could ever imagine.

The genie asks Francis the same question, and Francis says, "I'd like to be the fittest, strongest, fastest, most healthy man on the planet," and - poof! - he takes on the aspect of the most magnificent of Greek gods.

"And thee," the genie says to Eddie, "what is thy first wish?"

Without hesitation, Eddie says, "I'd like you to make my right arm spin around a full 360 degrees, like a windmill, in a clockwise direction," and - poof! - Eddie's arm begins to spin.

The genie turns back to William and asks him what his second wish is.

William thinks and says, "I'd like to be rich enough to not have to work again," and - poof! - a suitcase full of money appears.

The genie looks at Francis. "And thy second wish?"

"Easy," says Francis, "I want to be the richest man in the world," and - poof! - a portfolio of the highest levels of stocks, bonds and shares appear in a briefcase.

Eddie can hardly contain his enthusiasm when the genie asks him for his second wish. "I'd like you to make my left arm spin around 360 degrees, like a windmill, but this time in an anticlockwise direction," and - poof! - Eddie's left arm begins to spin.

"And thy third and final wish?"

William thinks and says, "I wish to remain healthy, disease free, and fit for the rest of my very long life," and - poof! - suddenly all his aches, pains, and sniffles are banished forever.

For his third wish, Francis asks for immortality and - poof! - eternal life is his.

Eddie can hardly contain himself and, almost before the genie has asked the question he says, "I'd like you to make my head nod backwards and forwards in a strictly stable rhythm," and - poof! - his head begins to nod back and forth like a perpetual metronome.

The genie disappears and the three men decide to meet back up in the same spot a year hence to compare notes on how things are going, which they do.

"The last year's been incredible for me," William says, "my good looks got me into the movies and I'm in constant demand, so I can charge millions for appearing in a single film. I have three mansions in Hollywood and am married to Gillian Anderson. My life is perfect!"

"My life is perfect too," enthuses Francis. "I'm the best all-round sportsman in the world; the world heavyweight boxing champion, world's number one tennis player, top golfer, and I have more Olympic medals than I can count. My incredible wealth has allowed me to set up foundations to eliminate starvation, cure cancer, and bring clean water, good food, and education to the darkest corners of the planet. Also, I have a different beautiful woman on my arm every night. I couldn't be happier!"

The two turn to Eddie, with his oppositely spinning arms and metronomically nodding head and ask how his year has been.

"Guys," Eddie says, "to be honest, I think I've made a huge mistake."


~~~^~~~~~~~


Never Forget.

Angry Vince

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #407 on: 03 July, 2022, 09:24:32 PM »
Holy crap, that was way funnier than it should have been!
Angry Vince: One Man Against the World! (So far the world is winning 96:0)

Mister Pops

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #408 on: 04 August, 2022, 09:35:26 PM »
What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

You'll never hear an enzyme.
You may quote me on that.

The Legendary Shark

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Re: Squaxx Telling Jokes
« Reply #409 on: 04 August, 2022, 11:55:09 PM »

...and the difference between roast ham and pea soup?

Anybody can roast ham...
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